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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Plans get changed at drop of hat for DPs son

111 replies

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:27

Name changer and am aware of mumsnet loyalty to step kids so I've namechanged in preperation for the backlash.

Basically DP and I had a conversation earlier about the weekend in which I said could we spend saturday afternoon together doing something nice before he leaves to pick his kids up as he is working Saturday morning and once he's picked the kids up I won't see him until late sunday. He agreed. So plan was he'd get home from work at 11.30 and we'd spend the afternoon together. Then half an hour ago he got a text off his son saying "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house at 1pm saturday". DP immediately replies "yes of course." I say "wasn't we meant to be going out saturday afternoon?" and he gets all defensive and says "yes but he's my son and he's asking for a favour, he comes first." We don't get to spend any time together on a weekend as it is and it just bugs me that as soon as he's asked, he drops all plans with me instantly.

So yet again I'm going to be on my own again all weekend. Yes I know I could go out and entertain myself but funnily enough, all of my mates spend their weekends with their partners! And of course I know he has kids and he has them on weekends and that will restrict our time - but when we've already made plans just to change them on the whim of a 17 year old?

So be honest, am I being unreasonable?

Should also add (so not to drip feed) only a few nights ago DP had a go at me about a club I wanted to join as it would mean me being occupied on weekends which he says should be family time - family time for who because I never seem to be considered when it comes to making plans on a weekend!

What if we'd properly arranged something for Saturday afternoon, would we have had to cancel because his son decided he needed picking up 4 hours early?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 06/06/2013 21:31

Yanbu. You're his partner and should be respected as such.

Original poster

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:48

It's happened a few times, we arrange to do something and then his son sends a text and I just get forgotten. Last week he asked me if I wanted to go and see a boat race with him at the weekend - I said I'd love to. I assumed he meant we'd go with his kids too as I know he has them every Saturday and that was cool ... So he leaves to pick them up. The night goes on and I barely hear from him. I think "we'll at least we've got tomorrow together". Sunday lunch time I get a picture text off him... From the ffing boat race!!!! He'd decided to take the kids instead without even bothering to let me know as his son said he wanted to go last minute. Don't get me wrong ... It's the kids weekend with their dad and I don't begrudge them that but it's so fucking disrespectful of dp to just drop me like that surely? Even if he is his son?

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 06/06/2013 21:52

Join your club. You can't depend on him to be available. I don't think you're being unreasonable, anyone would be disappointed to have their weekend plans casually cancelled in that way, but I think you really have to make plans for yourself.

FreudiansSlipper · 06/06/2013 21:52

his child comes first and at this point in time he does not think enough of you to worry about letting you down

i expect the ex to put ds first he has all week to do as he wants and he does

but him telling you what you should and should not do is far more telling about your relationship

StealthPolarBear · 06/06/2013 21:55

Why aren't you involved in the plans with his son?
That said I do think yabu. He presumably gets all week to se you but not his son (aologies if this assumption is wrong). Too right he should take any opportunity to extend his time with him

Original poster

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:55

Well he whined that this club would eat into our time during the week. I argued that it would only be 2 hours a week (which would otherwise be spend being bored in front if the tv!) so he argued that the club would likely eat into our weekend time too ... What, is this on the very, very rare occasion that he actually wants me around on a weekend?

OP posts:

Corygal · 06/06/2013 21:57

Well, I'd join the club you like the look of for a start. Ludicrous to suggest that you should hang around all weekend in case DP gets stood up by his DC - that's just rude.

Kids coming first is one thing - being dismissive and disrespectful of others isn't the same.

I don't want to be gloomy, but is this treatment just related to the kids? Or is there a message he's sending you that you're having trouble hearing? Sounds like it.

Nanny0gg · 06/06/2013 21:57

How long have you been together, how old are his children and have you met them yet?

StealthPolarBear · 06/06/2013 21:58

I think you'd certainly be justified in signing up.
Actually I will amend my previous answer - yanbu but neither is he. You just want different things (though he was wrong about the club)

Original poster

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 22:00

Polarbear, I'd live to be involved with his kids more than I currently am but unfortunately, Dp is shit scarred that his kids will stop wanting weekend contact if I'm always there (I've never asked to be always present btw, just now and again would be nice as opposed to once every 3 months of so

OP posts:

34DD · 06/06/2013 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jammiedonut · 06/06/2013 22:02

Yabu, I wish my dad had made those sorts of choices for me when it came to visits. As it stood, he was forever putting his partner first, resulting in a very fractious relationship between all of us now. Is there a reason you can't be involved in any time with his kids or is it too early for an introduction? I know it's difficult, but honestly try not to compete for time with his children, it rarely ends well

Original poster

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 22:05

I don't want to compete, is just rather he didn't make plans with me at all rather than just ditch me last minute like that, it's so disrespectful. I have met the kids and we get on well

OP posts:

jammiedonut · 06/06/2013 22:05

Btw, I think you should join your club, as others have said, his reaction to that is more of a concern than him not wanting to give up time with his children

CloudsAndTrees · 06/06/2013 22:06

Ok, he's massively in the wrong over the boat race thing, but you have connected that to this weekend, and on your original AIBU, YABU!

He is a parent of a teenager. He is going to need to be flexible at weekends, especially if he doesn't live with his dc.

But he shouldn't just disregard you completely. If he's picking his son up early, can't you all just go for lunch together and have this family time he's on about?

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/06/2013 22:07

Yanbu,

Big difference between putting children first and totally dismissing everyone else.

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:08

Yanbu at all? He does not sound like he respects you or values you enough. The ds is17 not 7 nearly an adult, how long will he keep putting him above you! He can get public transport fgs, I was getting at a younger age to go places! Of course ds is his son, bu you are his partner and you are entitled to be respected too. You go join your club, he cannt be relied upon to keep weekends free for both of you

CloudsAndTrees · 06/06/2013 22:08

Do you live with him Morag?

ApocalypseThen · 06/06/2013 22:09

See, I just don't think he has to treat you badly to treat his kid well, OP. if he can't find a way to be respectful, well, you may have to start thinking.

Original poster

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 22:10

We're moving in together in two weeks time which is when I presume he wants me fully available on the weekends

OP posts:

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:12

Jamie that des not mean he has to tread over his partner, a bit of compromise. Him not wanting you to be involved with his children is funny an would be a deal breaker. It does not sound as though h respects or vales you, it seems you are there if he s not doing anything with his ds and that is wrong

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:13

I personally would not move in with him unless he bucks up his ideas and starts to respect and value you more. Being available at weekends, fuck that for a game of soldiers

Cosydressinggown · 06/06/2013 22:15

YABU - he's a father, and that's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, whenever his kids need him, whether he lives with them or not. That's what you've signed up for.

Do you expect him to say 'No, I can't do XYZ for you because I'm spending time with my girlfriend' to his son? This is even more the case if he doesn't live with the kids - it's important for the kids to feel like he isn't only there for them part time just because they only see him part time. You can't pick and choose your hours as a parent, and I really respect him for not doing that.

jammiedonut · 06/06/2013 22:16

My apologies op, I understand what you mean now! It's completely wrong for him to disrespect you like that, and you need to put a stop to it as soon as you can. That being said, I wouldn't go in all guns blazing about how unreasonable he's being. It may be very difficult for him as a father to get the balance right between his kids and partner, for fear of losing contact etc. Perhaps suggest things you can all do together, but also make it clear that if he refuses to involve you you will commit to other plans and you, unlike him, will not change them at the drop of a hat.

Euclase · 06/06/2013 22:16

I don't think YABU at all. His son is 17 ! Hardly a child.

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