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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Plans get changed at drop of hat for DPs son

111 replies

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:27

Name changer and am aware of mumsnet loyalty to step kids so I've namechanged in preperation for the backlash.

Basically DP and I had a conversation earlier about the weekend in which I said could we spend saturday afternoon together doing something nice before he leaves to pick his kids up as he is working Saturday morning and once he's picked the kids up I won't see him until late sunday. He agreed. So plan was he'd get home from work at 11.30 and we'd spend the afternoon together. Then half an hour ago he got a text off his son saying "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house at 1pm saturday". DP immediately replies "yes of course." I say "wasn't we meant to be going out saturday afternoon?" and he gets all defensive and says "yes but he's my son and he's asking for a favour, he comes first." We don't get to spend any time together on a weekend as it is and it just bugs me that as soon as he's asked, he drops all plans with me instantly.

So yet again I'm going to be on my own again all weekend. Yes I know I could go out and entertain myself but funnily enough, all of my mates spend their weekends with their partners! And of course I know he has kids and he has them on weekends and that will restrict our time - but when we've already made plans just to change them on the whim of a 17 year old?

So be honest, am I being unreasonable?

Should also add (so not to drip feed) only a few nights ago DP had a go at me about a club I wanted to join as it would mean me being occupied on weekends which he says should be family time - family time for who because I never seem to be considered when it comes to making plans on a weekend!

What if we'd properly arranged something for Saturday afternoon, would we have had to cancel because his son decided he needed picking up 4 hours early?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2013 09:52

Right! Not write! It's early!

HoppinMad · 07/06/2013 09:59

Yanbu

I understand your dp wants to put his kids first but ffs it seems he doesn't give a toss about anything else, including you. You are just there for his convenience. He wants to do all he can to please his kids, incase they refuse to see him. But its not right how he is treating you, and excluding you until it suits him.

I personally could not be in such an unbalanced, selfish relationship, and you would seriously be very naive to move in with him. I can feel your frustration from your posts, its not nice to be treated like crap by anyone, esp someone who professes to love you and care for you.

Join the club you are interested in. Put your own kids first, (I am sure you are doing, but plan things with them excluding him, cancelling any plans you both made, and see how he feels).

rootypig · 07/06/2013 10:01

That is crap OP and you absolutely have something to be pissed off about. YAdefNBU.

Based on my own parents' separation and (younger) siblings' dynamic with new partners, it sounds to me as though he might be feeling guilty about the separation from the DCs' mother and embarrassed about having a gf? after all, a new relationship / having a gf is ostensibly sexual, especially if the DC are old enough to think that way, whereas the marriage between parents isn't generally perceived as such! (am I making sense? suspect not ). My brother, in all other ways a reasonable human being, is still uncomfortable with my parents' partners for this reason.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is, it sounds as though DP doesn't have the confidence as a parent atm to say, bugger off and get yourself home, without feeling like he's being a crap dad. Do you think that could be part of it? And the DCs are quite possibly taking the piss.

Can you initiate a conversation with DP that will help him to see that he doesn't have to bend over backwards for them and shelve everything and everyone for them to be a good dad and to make them feel secure? as ever, though it's irritating, these conversations probably best started with a constructive suggestion eg shall we have a fun night with the DC - maybe making favourite food and movie night at home, something relaxed. If he isn't open to that, then you can try to talk to him about why. If he is, then it is easier to talk to him about letting DC sort themselves out sometimes if you're supporting him in the positive side of parenting too.

Sorry, total wiffle, hope some of it is comprehensible. Off to get some coffee!

rootypig · 07/06/2013 10:03

Oh I have just read the second half of the thread

Ignore me OP, I'm sorry, you clearly appreciate everything that I've said.

Sorry to say but I agree with others that this really doesn't sound right, and I'd be off, if I were you.

DogCatDogCatDog · 07/06/2013 10:22

I would end things with him, OP.

I don't mean this harshly, and I hope I don't upset you, but he sounds like he isn't respecting you, he isn't treating you like you deserve to be treated, and it is almost as though he is using you when he has nothing better to do.

ThingummyBob · 07/06/2013 10:23

I agree that the problem is your partner.

Does he often 'double book' and drop plans at the last minute? My ex did/does this and its because he's a self-centred twat, not because he's a father iyswim.

I'd have a serious conversation with him before making the jump to moving in tbh.

Thisisaeuphemism · 07/06/2013 10:31

He is not putting his kids first - he is putting himself first.

That boat race situation was awful - he just dumped you and didn't even acknowledge it.

I wouldn't move in with him.

Flobbadobs · 07/06/2013 10:36

It sounds like your 'D'P's children like you more than he does...
Join your club and at least try and put off moving in with him for a while if you can't back out completely.
He sounds very controlling, was it an issue with his Ex Wife? Do you know why they divorced?
Just out of interest what would happen if you contacted his Son directly or through his Mother and said something like 'if your Dad's picking you up on Sunday why don't you come to us for a BBQ or join us for lunch?' Bypass him altogether...

ephemeralfairy · 07/06/2013 10:37

Good grief, the boy is 17 and just wanted a taxi service, it's not like he's 7 and was crying because he missed his dad. At the age of 17, I was fully aware that my mum was an individual who had her own life and I would've got short shrift if I'd expected her to drop everything and be at my beck and call all day.
I think the OP is being more than reasonable, she's not asking him to put her before his kids, she's just asking him to treat her with a smidgeon of respect and not make tenuous plans, leave her hanging for hours and then ditch her with no explanation or even apology...!

gotthemoononastick · 07/06/2013 11:17

Run little Morag...run away fast...before it is too late.

Original poster

Morag80 · 07/06/2013 11:29

Thanks guys. I'm becoming more and more wound up about this as the day goes on. I was pissed off - I'm now livid. It's just so fucking rude of him and I'm going to tell him so when I see him. He knows I'm pissed off that the plans were changed anyway but what he doesn't get is that all he had to do was incorporate me into the new plans rather than theoretically saying "you can fuck off now, got something better to do."

The ex wife is a mystery. I have had the same old chestnut about how she's a psycho and not to be approached as she just goes mental. Funny then how when she found out about me she told him she was pleased for him and wished him all the best and not once (as far as I know) has she had any issues about me having contact with her sons so she can't be that unreasonable can she!!

According to the divorce pertition or whatever it's called (never been married so don't know the legalities of everything) she accused him of being controlling (we're seeing evidence of that now, I know) not letting her do anything or go anywhere or have friends (Very recently he's started asking who I'm going with when I go out and questioning me oh so subtly, just like he's interested but I'm not stupid). She accused him of having a drink problem (he's shows signs of this, getting drunk and then turning verbally aggressive) and she accused him of turning their lives solitary 'even turning against his own family'. (I've kind of seen evidence of this, when I suggested we invite his own mother down for sunday dinner (as up until we move in together she's fed DP and his kids sunday dinners and will probably miss it) he dismissed it and got a bit defensive saying he didn't want his mother around all the time

She also accused him of domestic violence. No signs of this with me.

He does of course insist that she's crazy and it's all lies but he went along with it to get the divorce over and done with.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 07/06/2013 11:31

YANBU!

Don't move in with him, please. It's not like his kids are small and need their dad - he's 17 and just wants a lift home! If I text my mum that at 17 and she had plans, she'd tell me (quite rightly at 1pm!) to find my own way home or to wait a few hours and that she'd pick me up later.

He obviously thinks he can just drop you as/when something better comes up. There are sacrifices involved when your DP has children (mine does, so I know!), especially at weekends, but those sacrifices should not involve just dropping you with no apology or explanation or attempt to make it up to you.

He's being selfish and inconsiderate and you're being perfectly understanding. Your DP needs to stop taking you for granted and grow up a bit!

Flobbadobs · 07/06/2013 11:35

Having just read your last post can I just say...

What gothemoononastick said..

He's got a pattern and seems to be following it with you, fair enough there is no sign of DV but all the other (huge) red flags seem to be there...
Cut and run my love, no good can come of this.

Original poster

Morag80 · 07/06/2013 11:36

See that's another thing. I DO have kids and my eldest is 14. He's an independant lad, earns his own dosh, gets himself from a to b ...... but on the rare occasion that he takes the piss and texts "can you pick me up from Josh's house at 1pm?" .... if I've made plans already he's told "no sorry, I've made plans".

Has it done him any harm? course not - it's just taught him to keep bus fare money on him just incase! and he's only 14.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 07/06/2013 11:42

That's the thing. If the kid was 7 I would say, well, they probably can't get home any other way and it is their weekend with their dad, but at 17, you should be getting yourself around without your parents help 99% of the time.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2013 11:55

The more you post about this man the more of an arsehole he seems.

You haven't experienced domestic violence from him - yet. I bet his ex didn't for the first few yrs either or until they lived together. Unless she's making it up his But why would she do that?

Oh and the 'my ex is a psycho' line; the oldest one in the book and a major red flag.

dogrosie · 07/06/2013 11:59

Are you and your children planning to move in together with this man? If so, you are choosing to recruit this man to be the daily role model for your 14-year-old son. Please think very carefully. Emotional abuse and controlling behaviour can be even more dangerous than physical violence because it is subtle and undermines your confidence in your own ability and intuition. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking "well, I must be nicer / better/ smarter than the ex because he's not violent with me" What's his take on the previous violence?

Crinkle77 · 07/06/2013 11:59

I was going to say that you were being a little unreasonable but after reading your other comments I think your partner is thoughtless and rude. You need to have a discussion about it before you move in together.

Original poster

Morag80 · 07/06/2013 12:02

He outright denies the violence saying it was her who was always violent to him.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2013 12:07

If she's violent why is he happy for his DC to live with her?

dreamingbohemian · 07/06/2013 12:17

WHY ARE YOU MOVING IN WITH HIM???

Seriously. WHY?

Open your eyes, please, this will not end well. You can save yourself a huge amount of grief right now.

rootypig · 07/06/2013 12:35

OP so many red flags. So so many. I suspect if you could sit down with his ex wife you would hear a completely different side of the story. No decent man I know would accept an allegation of DV 'just to get a divorce over with'.

Please please please consider, if not leaving, taking a step back in the relationship - definitely putting plans to move in together on hold. That may well give you a good sense of what kind of bloke he really is.

pigletmania · 07/06/2013 13:22

Op just reading that now, major red flags, please do not move in with this arsehole, he will control you and run you into te ground. Th exW sounds lovely, use her as an example of what he is going to to to you. He s making out that she is not all there as this is wat abuses do, he probably told her that, and made her believe that she was going insane as part of his abuse. Run for the hills op run. You dont have to move in with him you can pull out

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 13:55

Would any normal man sign something saying he'd been violent to his wife when he hadn't? When if he said he was, he could be prevented from seeing his childreN? Would he bollocks.

I wonder whether the police were called - would it do any good to phone the non-emergency police number to ask whether he's ever been so much as cautioned?

In any case, you sound lovely and your son sounds lovely - why on earth would you want to destroy both of your lives by living with him?

QuintessentialOldDear · 07/06/2013 14:02

Blimey,
Not sure I have managed to count all the red flags!

I think you have posted about him before, under a different name. Not sure why you are moving in with him.

You have seen no sign of domestic violence because you dont live with him yet. And you dont appear to object much to the way he treats you. He does not have to "beat sense into you" you comply anyway.

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