Plans get changed at drop of hat for DPs son

[Morag80]

Name changer and am aware of mumsnet loyalty to step kids so I've namechanged in preperation for the backlash.

Basically DP and I had a conversation earlier about the weekend in which I said could we spend saturday afternoon together doing something nice before he leaves to pick his kids up as he is working Saturday morning and once he's picked the kids up I won't see him until late sunday. He agreed. So plan was he'd get home from work at 11.30 and we'd spend the afternoon together. Then half an hour ago he got a text off his son saying "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house at 1pm saturday". DP immediately replies "yes of course." I say "wasn't we meant to be going out saturday afternoon?" and he gets all defensive and says "yes but he's my son and he's asking for a favour, he comes first." We don't get to spend any time together on a weekend as it is and it just bugs me that as soon as he's asked, he drops all plans with me instantly.

So yet again I'm going to be on my own again all weekend. Yes I know I could go out and entertain myself but funnily enough, all of my mates spend their weekends with their partners! And of course I know he has kids and he has them on weekends and that will restrict our time - but when we've already made plans just to change them on the whim of a 17 year old?

So be honest, am I being unreasonable?

Should also add (so not to drip feed) only a few nights ago DP had a go at me about a club I wanted to join as it would mean me being occupied on weekends which he says should be family time - family time for who because I never seem to be considered when it comes to making plans on a weekend!

What if we'd properly arranged something for Saturday afternoon, would we have had to cancel because his son decided he needed picking up 4 hours early?

For gods sake, end this now! While angry so you have a reason, momwntum and he'll buy it.

If you do,kt you may never get the same chance to get out of what really IS a DV relationship, but one that you're not aware of.

ALL the signs are there, ALL of them.

Get out, gewt out now, save yourself and your kids.

We'll help you pick up the pieces, we really will.

He however will only destroy you, and potentially your DC too.

Morag01 - a deed of trust is not worth much I am afraid. I had one with my ex DP, same thing, about a mortgage, and when we separated, the solicitor I went to see said that a deed of trust was not worth the stamp on it (5 pounds at the time). Apparently, good lawyers deconstruct them.

No sure if he was a crap solicitor...

At any rate, the domestic violence and control is a deal breaker. D to move in. You will be very vulnerable then to physical, emotional or financial abuse.

Basically what everyone else is saying

You don't even live with him yet, so are therefore still in the 'honeymoon period' yet by your own admission he is:

Possessive
Controlling
Aggressive and has a drink problem
Rude
Dismissive
Shows little empathy or compassion for your needs or feelings

And you seem to think his ex is reasonable on all counts except for the one thing that you really don't want to be true - the reference to DV. I would stake my life on it being true given all that you have told us.

I am really sorry OP because for you it clearly is the honeymoon period - excited about moving in/going out of your way to bond with your step-family but the best advice I can give you is this

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM

At the very least, you have the advantage of your own home at the moment and are presumably financially able to stay that way for the time being. Delaying (at the very least) your moving in together sends a clear message that you are not going to accept being treated this way. Personally, I would run a mile, but please PLEASE at the very least, postpone and be clear about why. If nothing else he will realise that you are not a push over.

Good luck

Anything less than a total BIN, and he'll just modify tactics.

Do NOT think you can 'handle' this.

I started thinking you were being U but now I don't think you are.

I know that if my children's father had plans with his wife and my children then asked for a favour he wouldn't just drop his plans with his wife, he would try to include her or tell the children that he would have loved to do it but he had already made plans. Of course if it was an emergency it's different, but I don't agree that someone should just drop all their plans because their child has changed theirs.

So it seems to me that he wants to keep you both separate and not be a proper family. I agree with those who say do not move in with him. Not yet at least.

Oh ok, just read your last few posts.

Do not move in with him at all.

YANBU, your DP is! He should respect his prior engagements to you and he should expect his DC to respect his/your prior engagements too. At it really isn't reasonable for your DP to spend all weekend with his DC without you.

Good post slightly I agree. To be fair you dont have a problem with him spending time with his children its that he's been rude to you. Thats the issue. Please join the club.

LTB

Join karate.

How are you op?

Oh come on. Read what you have written, OP. Why are you even thinking of moving in with him?

Is he just looking for a housekeeper? Because you cannot, however far you stretch the definition, call this a relationship.

Get out while you still can.