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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Plans get changed at drop of hat for DPs son

111 replies

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:27

Name changer and am aware of mumsnet loyalty to step kids so I've namechanged in preperation for the backlash.

Basically DP and I had a conversation earlier about the weekend in which I said could we spend saturday afternoon together doing something nice before he leaves to pick his kids up as he is working Saturday morning and once he's picked the kids up I won't see him until late sunday. He agreed. So plan was he'd get home from work at 11.30 and we'd spend the afternoon together. Then half an hour ago he got a text off his son saying "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house at 1pm saturday". DP immediately replies "yes of course." I say "wasn't we meant to be going out saturday afternoon?" and he gets all defensive and says "yes but he's my son and he's asking for a favour, he comes first." We don't get to spend any time together on a weekend as it is and it just bugs me that as soon as he's asked, he drops all plans with me instantly.

So yet again I'm going to be on my own again all weekend. Yes I know I could go out and entertain myself but funnily enough, all of my mates spend their weekends with their partners! And of course I know he has kids and he has them on weekends and that will restrict our time - but when we've already made plans just to change them on the whim of a 17 year old?

So be honest, am I being unreasonable?

Should also add (so not to drip feed) only a few nights ago DP had a go at me about a club I wanted to join as it would mean me being occupied on weekends which he says should be family time - family time for who because I never seem to be considered when it comes to making plans on a weekend!

What if we'd properly arranged something for Saturday afternoon, would we have had to cancel because his son decided he needed picking up 4 hours early?

OP posts:
Original poster
Morag80 · 07/06/2013 08:08

Another thing - I really do want to point out here that I have done EVERYTHING in my power to be a good person regarding his kids. I said about them having the biggest bedroom in our new house, went out of my way to make sure they have it decorated to their own taste (in response I just get "yeah we'll see" from DP, why do I bother?) I have arranged to pay for DP and his kids only to go to a festival for a week, I have gone out of my way to think of nice things we can all do together OCCASIONALLY so that I'm not forcing myself onto them but all I get is resistance - not from the kids but from DP.

Here is another one for you. He was raving on about that new Will Smith movie to me and said "oh I can't wait to take the boys to see that on Saturday night!". I replied "yes, sounds good". He looked at me and then reluctantly said "you could come, I suppose .... "

err yeah, I'll give it a miss thanks. It's one thing to be invited somewhere, it's another to actually be wanted somewhere.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 07/06/2013 08:12

He's compartmentalising too much, you need to have a sit down serious talk about the future.
You also need to hold back on all the facilitating behaviour or you will become nothing more than a game piece instead of an individual.
Have you bought a house with him?

ScarletLady02 · 07/06/2013 08:15

YANBU...it's one thing for his kids to come first and him to drop everything if they need him - any parent would do that. BUt it's quite another for him to be so rude and disrespectful and show seemingly NO regard for how you feel at all.

It wouldn't have taken him much to call you and say "DS needs picking up early, sorry I know we had plans, I'll make it up to you" and then actually follow through on that. It's the lack of consideration I'd find upsetting. It sounds to me like you're trying your best to be a good step-parent (or at least setting the ground work for a future relationship) but he is trying his best to completely push you out. If he loved you, why would he do that?

Sokmonsta · 07/06/2013 08:15

I'd join your club. In a few years/months time his son will want to be out drinking with his mates. In the meantime let him have his time with his son that he so desperately wants, if he's changing plans. Join your club and enjoy your weekends too.

ChaoticTranquility · 07/06/2013 08:20

Then don't put up with it. Dump him and find someone else who will treat you with respect because I suspect if you stay he'll continue to do this when his kids are in their twenties, thirties and beyond.

For now don't move in with him and join your club. His behaviour says he has no respect for you, that you're there simply to keep him company when he doesn't have a better offer. When he does then you get dumped.

pigletmania · 07/06/2013 08:21

Op you really need to think long and hard about this relationship, it looks like he does not value or respect you,don't move in with this man. It would be a deal breaker if this happened to me, and dp thought I was not worthy to be involved in his children's lives. lTB!

Original poster
Morag80 · 07/06/2013 08:24

Before this happened I thought he had a point about the club, yeah we both work full time, why take away more time that we might actually get to spend together but since this happened I'm becomming more and more angry about it. Why should it just be ME that goes out of my way to maximise time spent together?

Not sure if I mentioned this but he also volunteered to work Saturday morning. So he didn't have to. He chose to. Now yeah, I know work is important as are the kids but then if he is off busy doing these other things, why can't I join the ffing club??? He said to me "and what am I meant to do whilst you're there? sit on my own bored to death?" ---- what, like I am every weekend you mean???

OP posts:
dogrosie · 07/06/2013 08:26

It sounds like he thinks of you as his girlfriend rather than step-parent to his children. I would be concerned that he is not taking you/your relationship seriously. Is your new mortgage/tenancy in joint names? Are you about equal financially? It's just that he seems to be preventing you from forming a relationship with his children and that would ring big alarm bells with me at the 'moving in together' stage. Sorry.

Original poster
Morag80 · 07/06/2013 08:27

He is a much higher earner than me and although the mortgage will be in his name, we have set up a deed of trust to give me legal backing when if it all goes tits up.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 07/06/2013 08:28

I agree chaotic your jst there if he hasent got anyone else, you are not an equal partner and it does not sound like he loves you much either. You are executed to drop your plans on his beck and call, wtf SD that for a game of soldiers

sarine1 · 07/06/2013 08:39

It sounds as if he's either not worked out how you fit in to the relationship with his children or is anxious that perhaps you're not going to be welcome? Were you involved perhaps in the original break up? Might his ex see you as hostile, or even his kids? He's just blanking your suggestions - why? Is it you? Is it his kids? What is making him anxious about you all spending time together?
Or maybe he's struggling with being a weekend parent and just doesn't want another person there upsetting the dynamics. Parenting teenagers can be like handling explosive devices (with the safety catch off)!

Original poster
Morag80 · 07/06/2013 08:41

No they were divorced years before we met. The kids seem fine with me. DP's mother told me that the kids have told HER that they like me. I don't think it's them. It's him.

(off to work, will check back later, thanks x)

OP posts:
pigletmania · 07/06/2013 08:42

Look op you really should not move in with someone who show you little respect or little value, he wants his cake and to eat it. He sounds quite controlling.
really op. you need to be more assertive with this man and don't be walked over

AnnieLobeseder · 07/06/2013 08:48

It's wonderful that he's so involved with his children and spends as much time with them.

BUT: no matter what the reason, he shouldn't make plans with you and just cancel them (or not even bother to cancel but just not turn up) without letting you know and apologising.

As others have said, he seems to want you at his beck and call but drops you like a hot potato without even a "sorry".

If you already have a mortgage etc it may to too late to put moving in together on hold, but you need to have a serious discussion with him before you move. He needs to know how disrespectful it is to you to just change plans at the last minute and expect you to fit in with him.

Absolutely join you club. Everyone needs their own activities and interests. He spends a lot of your together time with his kids (and quite rightly so) or at work. Which is fine, but you shouldn't then be expected to not have any interests of your own to maximise "together time" out of the time he has left over. It sounds like you're the one making all the sacrifices and being expected to do all the compromising.

olgaga · 07/06/2013 08:58

Morag seriously, read your own posts. What advice would you give a friend who was saying this to you?

He expects you to devote yourself to being with him through the week, and either twiddle your thumbs or find something to occupy yourself at the weekend, like he does.

You sound more like a part-time girlfriend, about to become his housekeeper for the sake of convenience. His behaviour has given you plenty of warning that he going to be a terrible drag on you and your kids.

You should join the club and pursue your own interests in your own time, as he intends to. I would also recommend that you revise your decision to move in with him. At the very least, you should postpone it.

sweetestcup · 07/06/2013 09:02

Moving in with him sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, are you going to have to hide away when his kids come to visit then? Or just sit in when he goes out with them? Seriously have a good think.

Xales · 07/06/2013 09:04

Don't move in with him . Especially as you have children of your own.

He could have sent you a text straight off saying change of plans am going to boat race without you so that you didn't wait around. Simple answer is that he didn't give you this basic courtesy. That is a symptom of your relationship.

Do not inflict this on your self or your kids until it is resolved.

olgaga · 07/06/2013 09:04

He is a much higher earner than me and although the mortgage will be in his name, we have set up a deed of trust to give me legal backing when if it all goes tits up.

Morag the more I read, the more it sounds like for him, this relationship is about convenience rather than love and commitment.

pigletmania · 07/06/2013 09:12

Yes Morag you really should stop making excuses for him and start being assertive, and ave a voice, or this will carry on when they are well into adulthood. Yes it's fine to put his kids first and all tat, but not treat op like rubbish and second class partner. Op join that club and dame well be assertive and don't let him treat you like this. He does it because he can get away with it

pigletmania · 07/06/2013 09:14

I would seriously not move in with this man mortgage or not, I am sure you can pull out. You are for his convenience only and not someone he loves or eespects

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2013 09:34

"why can't I join the ffing club??? He said to me "and what am I meant to do whilst you're there? sit on my own bored to death?" ---- what, like I am every weekend you mean???"
And there is your relationship, in a nutshell Sad. So sorry Morag, but he does not appear to respect you. You are to be at his convenience, and when you are not with him you are to be in your box waiting to be with him. Not much of a relationship for you, is it?

You don't live with him yet. I would seriously think about NOT moving in with him. I think living this way could destroy your self-esteem pretty quickly. It might be better to step back from this relationship for a bit, and have a rethink.

GoblinGranny · 07/06/2013 09:38

Xales, I must have missed it, but where does the OP say she has children of her own?

'We're moving in together in two weeks time which is when I presume he wants me fully available on the weekends'

Morag, you are not a sex toy.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 09:40

Why should his children have the biggest bedroom? It's one thing to be good to his kids and I'm glad you all are, but another to go out of your way to be a doormat.

Personally, I wouldn't move in with him. He's selfish and surely that's the last quality you need in someone you live with.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 09:42

Morag, she says: Well fuck that, I'm off out with my kids.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2013 09:51

Sorry but everyone is write.
I remember your previous posts and it's not good.
Do NOT move in with him.
Tell him you've had a rethink and want to delay it for a while until your head is clear on what you want from this relationship.
F*CK HIM!! Join the club. If anyone told me I 'couldn't' do something I wanted to - they'd be kicked the curb in a matter of seconds.
Stop letting him walk all over you.
You are your own person.
Don't get yourself tied to this man any further.
Good luck.