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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Plans get changed at drop of hat for DPs son

111 replies

Morag80 · 06/06/2013 21:27

Name changer and am aware of mumsnet loyalty to step kids so I've namechanged in preperation for the backlash.

Basically DP and I had a conversation earlier about the weekend in which I said could we spend saturday afternoon together doing something nice before he leaves to pick his kids up as he is working Saturday morning and once he's picked the kids up I won't see him until late sunday. He agreed. So plan was he'd get home from work at 11.30 and we'd spend the afternoon together. Then half an hour ago he got a text off his son saying "can you pick me up from my girlfriends house at 1pm saturday". DP immediately replies "yes of course." I say "wasn't we meant to be going out saturday afternoon?" and he gets all defensive and says "yes but he's my son and he's asking for a favour, he comes first." We don't get to spend any time together on a weekend as it is and it just bugs me that as soon as he's asked, he drops all plans with me instantly.

So yet again I'm going to be on my own again all weekend. Yes I know I could go out and entertain myself but funnily enough, all of my mates spend their weekends with their partners! And of course I know he has kids and he has them on weekends and that will restrict our time - but when we've already made plans just to change them on the whim of a 17 year old?

So be honest, am I being unreasonable?

Should also add (so not to drip feed) only a few nights ago DP had a go at me about a club I wanted to join as it would mean me being occupied on weekends which he says should be family time - family time for who because I never seem to be considered when it comes to making plans on a weekend!

What if we'd properly arranged something for Saturday afternoon, would we have had to cancel because his son decided he needed picking up 4 hours early?

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/06/2013 22:17

Please don't move in with him.

This situation is totally out of balance. He wants your life at his beck and call, and actually will drop you at a whim.

Delay the move.

It's your only point of negotiation!

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:19

Cosy the ds is 17 nearly an adult, how long do you think that he should be at his sons beck and call, when he's 21, 31, 41! I sure will not be at my childs beck and call, tey have to learn to be independent. It does not mean disrespecting your partner!

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:20

I would not move in, you have to,think long and hard about this relationship

StealthPolarBear · 06/06/2013 22:28

Ah if you're at the moving in stage then he needs to accept you get involved with these plans. What's he going to do then - ask you to be out of the house all day?

Cosydressinggown · 06/06/2013 22:35

pigletmania 17 is still pretty young really. Young enough to want their dad - whom they are supposed to be spending time with at the weekend as they don't see him all week - to be able to pick them up, and to want to spend a few extra hours with them, as opposed to saying 'no, I'll see you later, I want alone time with my gf'.

She's getting involved with someone who is a weekend dad and then moaning about not seeing him at the weekends. I can't see this getting any better unless she either a) integrates with his family or b) learns to live with it.

Honestly, if I was with a man who told his 17 year old son he didn't want to see him till a few hours later because he wanted 'alone time' with his girlfriend (i.e. me) I would have so little respect for him. He's a dad first and foremost, you don't get to opt in and out of that just because you're not their mother's husband any more.

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:58

Not really cosy, in a years time he will technically be an adult! It does not mean that he has to therefore disrespect op and treat her badly like what he is doing. He does not even want to involve op in plans with his ds, ok d wants to spend time with dad, but op, dp and ds can go on some outings together sometimes. Teir are plenty of blended families who manage just fine

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 22:59

At 17 ds is od enough to realise tat life does not revolve around him, he is 17, not 7!

Cosydressinggown · 06/06/2013 23:07

There's a difference between 'life revolving around you' and 'asking your dad - who you spend your weekends with - to pick you up'. I don't think the son is being unreasonable, and we all know that technically being an adult at 18 is a long way from actually being an adult.

I say, good on this dad for being a dad and putting his kids first.

If OP doesn't like that, she shouldn't be with a dad.

I do agree, though, that before moving in with OP he should be working harder on blending her with his family, and I really think it's odd that as his serious partner she rarely spends time with his children. She actually seems a little hostile to them in the offhand way she refers to them, and I can't really blame her if she's never been given a chance to build a relationship with them, or to see them as anything other than the things that take away time with her DP.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2013 23:09

Don't move in with him! Look how disrespectful he is - do you think that will change when he's living with you? Tell him you need some more time and see whether he improves.

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 23:14

I agree cosy. My brother and his dw are one big blended happy family, his Chidren from his ex wife, and her youngest ll living together (they are all grown uo now). If h s serious about op heh old involve her more in these plans instead f treating them as separate entities. He can pt his ds frost without disrespecting hs dp

pigletmania · 06/06/2013 23:14

Omg silly I pad

Dannilion · 06/06/2013 23:19

Some men can't win can they.

I can imagine this from the exW perspective. "DS asks exH to spend a couple more hours with him on the weekend and exH refused so he could spend more time with his DP! He's had all week to see her, AIBU to think he's a selfish bastard".

Mumsnet chorus: YANBU!

rootypig · 06/06/2013 23:21

YANBU - stepkid or not, any 17 year old can get themselves around. If he's old enough for a girlfriend, he's old enough for the bus or a bike!

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/06/2013 23:25

Have none of you ever made arrangements in the knowledge that your children were going to be elsewhere?

Kiwiinkits · 07/06/2013 00:02

I am sitting on the fence (YABU vs YANBU) and my final decision comes down to this: Did he apologize to you and acknowledge that this last minute change put you out? Did he offer to make it up to you some other time? Did he offer for you to come along and do something nice, the three of you?

If not, YANBU and I don't think he's a keeper. Not husband material. If he can't acknowledge the effect of his behaviour on you then he will continue to put you last throughout your relationship.
If yes, YABU and you need to be more flexible and accommodating of his relationship with his dad.

Kiwiinkits · 07/06/2013 00:06

OP, I take it you don't have kids of your own? Without meaning to sound patronising, it's a very unique relationship. You tend to put them first, somehow. It's subconscious. In a relationship with mum-dad-kids in the one household, it's sort of taken for granted that the parents will put kids needs before their own. I dont' begrudge the things my DH does for our kids: I certainly don't see it as competition for time with me. It just is.

Kiwiinkits · 07/06/2013 00:08

DH does need to have a conversation with his son that reminds him that if he wants picking up/looking after he needs to give a bit more notice. Not that teenagers anywhere have EVER heeded that advice...

olgaga · 07/06/2013 00:18

Leaving the whole DSS issue aside, you must be nuts to be moving in with someone who thinks they should have a say about what interests you want to pursue in your own time.

He will always put his children first - he has a relationship with them which you cannot match. You will never come first, but he expects you to hang around and be available when he is.

You need to think again, before it's too hard to extricate yourself.

Or put up with it. It's your choice.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 07/06/2013 00:20

Don't move in with him!

He will take you for granted and feel like he can change your joint plans on a whim even more than he already does! Definitely join your club (you deserve time to yourself and it strikes me as quite controlling that he doesn't want you to do it) and maybe cool things off with your DP a little bit. I understand that his son needs him and it's great that he's being a reliable dad, but he doesn't seem to be reliable partner material at the moment. And the boat race thing and not taking you when you'd already planned to go - what's that about?

MidniteScribbler · 07/06/2013 05:13

Do you expect him to say 'No, I can't do XYZ for you because I'm spending time with my girlfriend' to his son?

I expect that a 17 who sends his father a text asking to be picked up on a whim is certainly old enough to get the response "I'm out at lunch, will pick you up on the way home." or even "get a bus."

YouKnowOfTheCrunch · 07/06/2013 06:37

There would have been nothing wrong with your DP replying "no problem, OP and I are going to lunch at 1.30, it'd be great for you to join us"

Op, you've said a few times that you would like to be involved more. Yes teens change their plans, so the obvious answer is that whenever plans are changed and you have plans already, dss can join in.

There's no reason for anyone to be left out in this scenario. Your dp can plan time alone with dss too, and you can plan your own time alone and go to your club. Yanbu

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 07/06/2013 06:47

YANBU

The conversation should have gone:

DSS: Dad, can you pick me up early today?
DP: Sure. OP will be with me as we'd planned to do X and Y this afternoon. Do you want to come too, or should I drop you at home?

DSS and OP are not in the wrong. The DP can be a good dad AND a good partner, but is choosing not to.

GoblinGranny · 07/06/2013 07:02

I agree that the father is struggling with the balance, he can be a good parent without excluding his new partner all the time. The Boat race was ridiculous, why couldn't they all have gone together?
Likewise collecting the son, fair enough but why not do what Phat suggested?
The partner's children should come first, but raising children isn't about teaching them to be selfish and egocentric, it's about them learning that there is always a place for them, and that you can love more than one person. But you should respect everyone you are involved with.
Have you been together long, OP, or less than a year?
Either he needs support to understand that a balance is possible, or you lead separate but equal lives and stay a girlfriend, or you find someone else.
As a first step, I would join that club. You need to remember that you are a person and an individual who is entitled to a life of your own, not a subsidiary to someone else's plans.

Original poster
Morag80 · 07/06/2013 07:58

Thanks guys. This is exactly what I'm getting at.

No way did I expect him to reply "no, piss off - I've made plans!" but why exclude me completely AGAIN??

I mean surely, if you've made plans you try and work the new arrangements around those plans as much as possible, surely? Like others have said, why couldn't he have said "shit sorry Morag but DS needs me to pick him up, do you mind if he comes with us for lunch?" rather than "oh well, I'm doing that now so I'll see you Sunday."

There has been NO apology, NO "I'll make it up to you" - nothing. Just a simple "that's not happening now as DS wants me to pick him up." end of.

It's just so rude and disrespectful.

I don't want him to put me before his kids but why can't he just INVOLVE me like a NORMAL person would? I don't blame the kids at all, they're great with me when we do meet. Only a few weeks ago we spent a saturday in Manchester together where I paid for the youngest's birthday meal - so it's not as if I'm not bloody trying with them. It's so frustrating.

And the latest is - "oh, I'll try and get back early on Sunday so we can do something then." by this he means he'll get back here about 1.30 and expect me to sit around all morning whilst it's glorious sunshine outside until he decides to turn up. Well fuck that, I'm off out with my kids.

Yes I do feel resentful. Not at the kids, but at the shit way I get treated by HIM.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 07/06/2013 08:07

You really don't need this man in your life. Please don't move in with him.