To think my husband is being selfish and doesn't appreciate my sacrifices?

[MangoJuiceAddict]

Hi, i'm new (this is my first thread!) but I look forward to becoming an active member :). This is probably going to turn into a rant as i have nobody else I can share my feelings with.

A few weeks ago I asked my husband (is DH the acronym?) if he would join DD and me in going to visit my grandparents in Scotland for 3 weeks, he laughed and said 'I can't be around your family for that long!'.

I was shocked by this: we've lived with his parents ever since we were 17 (I fell pregnant with DD at 17) so that he could study medicine and fulfill his dream of being a GP, although his parents have helped me A LOT I do sometimes find them overbearing and wish we didn't live with them.
DH then used work as a reason he couldn't come with me and DD (he's just qualified as a GP, and i'm starting to think he cares more about his career than DD and me ). Today I mentioned that i'd like to do a open uni course as I sacrificed going to uni to raise DD and DH laughed and said 'What would be the point?'. Am I being unreasonable or is he being selfish? I'm worried about his attitude affecting DD (she's 11). Apart from that DH is a great dad and is usually very supportive of me, but lately he has become so arrogant and will only so something if it will benefit either his career or his family.

Sorry for the rant, all opinions are welcome :)!

DH also fails to appareciate the fact I allowed his parents to name our daughter and plan my wedding.

Tempted to say that he just sounds like a doctor to me .

Seriously, my dad is a big powerful law person and I saw him get more arrogant as the years went on (lots of kow-towing to him at work etc). My mum, sister and I worked hard to keep his feet on the ground by making fun of his more pompous statements. He would have liked adoring females but he would have been insufferable without us bringing him down. He's a bit dismissive about my mum's degree (from a less prestigious uni, but a higher level than his!), but supports her activities.

IMO,you have a duty to yourself and DD to not let him out you down like this, and to value your contribution. I would not let my husband speak to me like that without explaining why it is wrong. For example, to point out to him that if you ever divorced (because of unreasonable behaviour, perhaps), you might want a degree so you could support yourself and DD better. This is also a serious point, as I believe in the value of SAHM but I also think women are at a huge disadvantage relying on partners financially and you have to be pragmatic (same if he died).

Hope that all makes sense! Good luck!

You have been living with your inlaws for 12 years??????????

Please tell me this is a joke??

You have lived with his parents for 12 years and he wont visit yours for 3 weeks?

You let his parents name your child?

He thinks it's a waste of time for you (in your 20's) to further your education?

Come on - really? You are having a laugh surely?

If you aren't - then it is vital you further your education and don't end up depending on this twat for the rest of your life.

Why do you still live with your in laws? Does he need bitty?

Move out.

That makes perfect sense! My Dh's father is also a doctor and my mother in law panders to him constantly- the whole family bow down to him! Did your parents' relationship suffer because of the long hours? I will try to out him more, its just hard to do so because I try to make things 'nice' for DD but I know the current environment will have a negative impact on her. My in laws have been teaching DD punjabi since she was very young but now DH speaks to her in Punjabi in front of me- knowing I can't understand it.

Ok I had to choose tonight not to drink!! Not for real here. Nite nite all.

Seriously, I moved in with them when I was 17 and still with them at 29. In laws were horrified I was pregnant so young and unmarried but agreed that if the baby was going to be born they wanted to take a big role in its life. DH then started to study medicine and inlaws agreed me and DD could live with them (they live in the same city as DH's uni), we lived with them throughout his training and he's just qualified :). They planned my wedding because they insisted upon a tradition Sikh wedding and said if the baby was going to be accepted it must have an appropriate name (apparently Heera was appropriate but Charlotte wasn't).

I know i'm capable of a degree but it's just that I would have liked DH's support as i've supported him so much.

That's very difficult with the language. I don't allow my students to speak in their first language in my classes as I explain it is rude when I don't understand it (and also I know they're having a bit of a natter about me!), but might be different if you're raising a child as bilingual; I think it would depend on the intent behind the talking (to improve her language or to exclude you?). I would be inclined to say DD gets enough Punjabi from in laws and DH on her own and that she should be spoken to in a mutually intelligible language when you are there. I appreciate living with the in laws makes it all very delicate, and getting out of there might help but if they're Punjabi speakers it is cultural rather than just for money-saving, I assume?

But he owes your family time spent with them too, absolutely.

Time for your Dh to grow up and have a home for his immediate family, ie, you him and your child.
Maybe "Do you mean to sound so arrogant" should become your mantra.

You supported him through his degree (by providing childcare for DD) and now it's his turn, as far as I would be concerned. Open University wouldn't even cause any inconvenience to him. As you say, it would be nice to have his support but you don't need it, just go for it!

I really don't know what the intent behind the talking is- i'm tempted to ask DD what daddy talks to her about but she's a quiet child and I don't want to send her further into her shell! I think it is probably to exclude me, because i've overheard him talking to her in English when i'm in a different room. But this has only started in recent months, it used to just be chit chat with Mother in law and extended family, but always English around me. It is cultural, although DH's siblings have moved out but came back for the first 12 weeks of their babies' lives. It helped to save money when DH was a student but now it is just for cultural reasons. I really hope we move out soon! I will definitely start outing him on his arrogance, its not acceptable and is probably the reason why DD is so quiet!

WRT the language thing- I have heard that if a child is being raised bilingual then the parent that speaks language A should only speak language A to them and the parent who speaks language B should only speak language B so i dont think it's wrong of him to speak punjabi to her even when you are there.

i would find his attitude to your furthering yourself unacceptable though. you have fully supported his career for 12 years, i think it's time you did something for your self. your DD will be at secondary school soon (if not already) so there isn't any reason why you cant be at college or working.

ah crossposting- in that case then yes i woul wonder why he is suddenly talking in punjabi infront of you when he doesn't at other times.

How many years has it taken your dh to qualify as a doctor??? If he was the same age as you when you became pregnant, he must have either worked before studying (in which case I would think you could have lived apart from his parents) or he has been studying for 10+ years. Any which way, he can now afford to support his family in your own home.

Just came back to read replies and realised I didn't see your question about my day's long hours and effect on his and my mum's relationship - no, not a bad effect, she has loads of hobbies and actually doesn't want him to retire as thinks he will be a lot to deal with all day long - though overall they have a good relationship (honestly)! Within reason, I think long hours aren't too bad (especially if its not both partners, as that puts more pressure on finding the same hours) as long as the time you have together is enjoyable, so I think making the relationship more equal would be the best thing (JMO).

We were in our last year of A-Levels when DD was born, his medicine degree was 5 years long then a 2 year foundation programme and 3 years speciality traing :). I know DH wants another baby but i'm thinking of putting it to him that 'I won't have another baby until I have my degree and we've moved out'. I'll probably be divorced. But the moving out is going to be tough because DH's parents are so attached to DD and DH is so close to his parents, tbh if DH was more respectful towards me I could probably cope with the in laws situation. The talking in punjabi infront of me makes me feel paranoid, insecure and unwanted.

As in "What would be the point? You've married a doctor!!" type of attitude?

I think that's his attitude: like 'we don't need the money and I want you to have another baby'. I don't think it helps that his mum has never worked and his sister worked very briefly as a receptionist but married the dentist she worked for and it seems like she's had a baby every year since! I think i'm going to have to have a long talk with him in the morning .

Having another baby would not stop you from doing an OU degree. Staying with him probably would though.

Unless you really fight your own corner on this.

Why don't you learn punjabi OP? Might help if you at least understood what he was talking about.

Three weeks is a long time and he may well struggle to get time off work for that length of time, it doesn't necessarily mean he's selfish. Also, I think many men would balk at the idea of 3 weeks with their in-laws, but his comment was rude and uncalled for, and outrageous in light of the fact that you have been living with your PIL for 12 years! He probably takes that for granted though, and just sees it as the natural order of things.

The bit that worries me most is that he laughed when you said you wanted to do an OU degree. How dare he dismiss your dreams and ambitions as "pointless"? Why on earth shouldn't you have a chance to pursue your own goals after all the sacrifices that you have made. He sounds quite dismissive and disrespectful, and I think you really need to challenge him on this.

He thinks you're there to hatch out his children for him while he lives a proper person life. Wrong! I think you need to speak to him and make perfectly clear (and stick to it) a) that you are not going to be having another baby until you live in your own home without his family and b) that you will be on the way to a degree level qualification by the time you are thirty. He clearly needs reminding that you have an independent life and capabilities outside being a walking incubator.

If (a horrible if I know) he left you, you would have no home, no qualifications and no job. You need to make yourself more resilient to change.

Good luck!

Tell him it's a bit embarrassing for you when you go to his family functions and a lot of Indian females your age have or are getting good degrees but you don't. Apply a bit of that community pressure to win him around. Also, perhaps he really can't take three weeks off to visit your family, but could he take a week off or come on weekends? When we go to India to visit DH's family, I will often take the kids with me 2-3 weeks before DH comes and then stay another 1 or 2 after he leaves. He usually only stays ten days to a fortnight because he has limited time off.

Seems a bit surprising that you have been living with Punjabi speakers for 11 years, and have a bilingual dd but have not learned to speak / understand it - are dh's family all fluent English speakers? I do know what you mean about it being difficult being around other people all speaking another language that you don't understand, but hasn't that been the case for many years with your dh and his parents?

Anyway, I'm sorry that your husband isn't being supportive and that you haven't managed to escape from his parents house to a home of your own. Why didn't you move out once he started specialist training? GP registrars get a fairly decent salary.