To think my husband is being selfish and doesn't appreciate my sacrifices?

[MangoJuiceAddict]

Hi, i'm new (this is my first thread!) but I look forward to becoming an active member :). This is probably going to turn into a rant as i have nobody else I can share my feelings with.

A few weeks ago I asked my husband (is DH the acronym?) if he would join DD and me in going to visit my grandparents in Scotland for 3 weeks, he laughed and said 'I can't be around your family for that long!'.

I was shocked by this: we've lived with his parents ever since we were 17 (I fell pregnant with DD at 17) so that he could study medicine and fulfill his dream of being a GP, although his parents have helped me A LOT I do sometimes find them overbearing and wish we didn't live with them.
DH then used work as a reason he couldn't come with me and DD (he's just qualified as a GP, and i'm starting to think he cares more about his career than DD and me ). Today I mentioned that i'd like to do a open uni course as I sacrificed going to uni to raise DD and DH laughed and said 'What would be the point?'. Am I being unreasonable or is he being selfish? I'm worried about his attitude affecting DD (she's 11). Apart from that DH is a great dad and is usually very supportive of me, but lately he has become so arrogant and will only so something if it will benefit either his career or his family.

Sorry for the rant, all opinions are welcome :)!

What did you say to the "what would be the point" question?

Seriously? 12 years you've been with his parents and you've made no effort to learn their language? I would have done, if only to find out what mil was saying about me!

I wouldn't ask dh to spend 3 weeks of his holiday with my family. He loves them, gets on with them but our holiday time is limited and time for us as immediate family - me, dh and our dc.

Pointing out what you've given up will breed resentment. Clearly I'm not saying you haven't given stuff up for him/dd, but it looks like there was at least an element of your choice here. Has it seriously just occurred to you to do a degree of your own? Why didn't you gain some independence for yourself by getting a job, at least once dd started school? Are you still being looked after by his family, or are you paying your own way?

To be fair, it's probably quite a bit harder to learn a regional Indian language than Hindi though.

What have you been doing for 12 years? Have you had a job?

Mimishimi, why do you think that?

I know you want him to come, but 3 weeks away from him with your family might do you some good! It might make it easier to focus on what you want and how you're going to make it happen.

If it was me, then I would be using the 3 weeks to talk to my family and plan about not going back. Take any relevant documents with you as well. Seriously, this is not a healthy relationship.

He's qualified. He's working. He can afford to support his family in thier own home.

You need to tell him, very clearly, that it's time to move out of his parents home and set up on your own. What did you say when he asked what would be the point? Did you tell him the same point as him doing his degree?

Having lived with a surgeon through his specialist training and now career I realised very quickly that though he loved me totally, his job is not just a job, it is sometimes all consuming. You do have to accept that if you want to get on as a doctors wife. I can't imagine ever going anywhere for 3 weeks together. That doesn't mean that you are not important. OH would be if he ever thought I was feeling at all the way you do, and would never laugh at my desires for life. We are a team. (can I also say he already had his own flat with mortgage when we met and he was still in training).

Family is also important, but you need to tell him that you and DD are his primary family now, and he isnt currently fulfilling his role as a good husband (or father, if he disregards you and your needs this way, what message does he send your daughter regarding women?).

On a separate note, 3 weeks staying with family does sound a bit too long, I appreciate you have been living with his DPs for the last 12 years, but even so that was a choice made out of necessity. Why not visit them for a week and then spend a week as a family staying in a nice cottage or apartment nearby as a holiday, you can always pop in and visit them once or twice that week too if you like?

Your DH sounds very arrogant and self centred right now, you need to start standing up for yourself. or it will just stay this way, or get even worse.

The issue of living with the in-laws is a long term one which will take careful handling. Your in-laws and to some extent your husband will see this as the norm . If you want at some point to do a degree surely having in-laws and extended family on hand to help with your children would be a real bonus .
With regards to the holiday - my parents until recently lived 250 miles away. A sugestion of a 3 week stay would have illicited a similar response from my husband. I wouldn't want him to "waste" annual leaVe on a family visit. So frequently I took our sons on my own - with him joining us for a few days. We all enjoyed the time apart and looked forward to our other holidays when we went away somewhere together.
This will also show your daughter that you are an jndependant person which is

Sorry posted early! Showing your daughter independance is very important particularly as she is growing up in a household where the men are the wage earners and women stay at home.

I did consider learning punjabi but i'm quite embaraased by the fact I don't speak it already! Anyway, we had 'the chat' this morning and he refuses to move out: apparentaly DD is 'too attached' to her grandparents and the inlaws wouldn't know what to do without her (wrong, father in law is always busy with work and mother in law seems to constantly be busy with friends and relatives!). I applied some of the community pressure and he agreed that it would be a good influence on DD if I also had a degree, but it's still pointless. I've sent off for the OU prospectus and i'm thinking of doing English lit . We agreed that another baby isn't on the cards until i've done my degree (he doesn't seem keen on me working, but i'm hoping the degree will boost my confidence so i'll tell him to sod off by then!). He is ok with my family- they're a bit too liberal for him and he seems to think that they don't deserve his full respect as they haven't helped with DD as much as his parents have. I visit my family twice a week but he only joins me in that once every two weeks. I feel like we ge on so much better on the rare times we're alone. Around DD he seems to take on such a dominating role and around his family he goes back to being a child!

And my response to his 'what would be the pint?' comment was to remind him how I was predicted AAA at A-Level but only got BCC as I gave brith to our daughter 6 weeks before my exams and didn't go to uni because of it! He just shrugged and said 'DD is worth it'. YES, she is but it didn't stop him from continuing to go to uni!

There are far less resources for learning regional languages beyond the ubiquitous "Learn xyz in 30 days through English/Hindi" titles. There are almost as many Indian languages as there are states in India. Then within those languages there are sub-dialects again ( as in English). Even though Hindi is the national language, these others will be spoken by at least 50 million people each and will be their primary language in daily life.

He's a GP not fecking god. Of course he's bu.

You let the parents plan ur wedding and name ur kids? My flabber is totally gasted on that. Look, I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but they do have an actual doormat yes? Or do they all just use you all the time?

Please. This is all wrong.

Tsk. I Should've read more thread! Sorry.

Do the open university course, get a lfie of your own.

Do not become utterly dependent and financially beholden to this man

Was he pooh- poohing the idea of a degree or of your subject choice? My perception is that degrees in "non-practical" subjects like literature are usually not very highly regarded in most Indian communities unless they relate to Indian culture specifically (I guess because they can relate to that). Even then, they're sort of regarded as the domain of the idle rich, respected but not something the ordinary person would choose to undertake. He does see your family fortnightly, so it's not as though he is avoiding them completely.

Is there a reason why you want to get an OU degree rather than actually go to a bricks and mortar university? In your shoes with a secondary school age child I'd go to a "real" university where you can meet new friends and start building up a life outside your DH's family. It will also boost your confidence in a way that you might not get so easily on the OU. I would also say it is definitely time to get a place just the 3 of you.

I agree with Ghoul if you have a university nearby then go there rather than trying to study in isolation in an environment that might not be entirely supportive. You can study part time or full time in most universities.

Would you move out without him if he won't leave his parents home?

I'm sorry but I'm with headless on this one.
He sounds like an arrogant bully and no way could I live like that.
He won't even consider moving out!!?????
That would be it for me right there!
You are grown ups with a DD and need space away from ILs.
I'd be making my exit plan right away.
Don't have another child with this manchild!

Is the uni your DH studied at a possibility? You say that is near your in laws home and therefore presumably reasonably close to DD's school and DH's work?

Is he the eldest son, OP? I think that would explain it more than the belief he's a man- child....

We're in birmingham, DH attended the uni of Birmingham but the entry requirements are too high for me to go there- i'll have a look at Birmingham City Uni. His family all speak english fluently and speak english to me and to eachother when i'm around, it's just DH with DD who hold conversations in Punjabi. I wsh I had learnt punjabi but as the family speak english so well I've been lazy and just gone along with only speaking in english! Punjabi does seem hard and I don't think i'd ever be able to learn the alphabet! Part of it is he and his family only 'respect' degrees in medicine, law and dentistry (ridiculous IMO). His parents planned the wedding because I was young and knew I had to have a Sikh wedding but didn't understand my options- so just went along with everything they said. They named the baby so it would be 'accepted'. Hmm I don't think i'd move out without him, I do love him and hope that we can overcome our problems. I can't imagine looking after DD alone either! I haven't worked, my inlaws have paid for me and continue to do so (I know it sounds pathetic). I think i'm quite lonely and frustrated, have been since DD started school many years ago. I can't even argue that we would have more space in our own place because his parents house is big . Will I be seen as 'old' at an actual uni? I imagine myself around 18 year olds drinking alcopops lol.

He is the eldest (and much adored) son. His family literally worship him and everything he does. They were horrified I was pregnant so young and unmarried but overjoyed at the thought of there being a mini version of DH.

Haven't had the time to read the whole thread but few things spring to mind. You have had all those years to learn punjabi and you were leaving in a household where punjabi was the language. Why you didn't take any interest in learning the language? Even having a daughter who comes from that culture? Also you had the support of your inlaws for all those years, why only now you are thinking about furthering your education? You daighter is 11 and at full time school since 5, what have you being doing whith your time? Sounds like you are being enjoying an easy ride for a long time and are jealous of your H now because he is qualified now and have a close relationship with his parents and you don't have it as yours leave far away. Well you made choices, now it is your call to change the situation.