To think my husband is being selfish and doesn't appreciate my sacrifices?

[MangoJuiceAddict]

Hi, i'm new (this is my first thread!) but I look forward to becoming an active member :). This is probably going to turn into a rant as i have nobody else I can share my feelings with.

A few weeks ago I asked my husband (is DH the acronym?) if he would join DD and me in going to visit my grandparents in Scotland for 3 weeks, he laughed and said 'I can't be around your family for that long!'.

I was shocked by this: we've lived with his parents ever since we were 17 (I fell pregnant with DD at 17) so that he could study medicine and fulfill his dream of being a GP, although his parents have helped me A LOT I do sometimes find them overbearing and wish we didn't live with them.
DH then used work as a reason he couldn't come with me and DD (he's just qualified as a GP, and i'm starting to think he cares more about his career than DD and me ). Today I mentioned that i'd like to do a open uni course as I sacrificed going to uni to raise DD and DH laughed and said 'What would be the point?'. Am I being unreasonable or is he being selfish? I'm worried about his attitude affecting DD (she's 11). Apart from that DH is a great dad and is usually very supportive of me, but lately he has become so arrogant and will only so something if it will benefit either his career or his family.

Sorry for the rant, all opinions are welcome :)!

Mango, I understand the cultural pressures on him to stay at home. It's not that he needs to 'grow a pair' or that he wants to br mollycoddled. Obviously to go out and get his medical degree, he's not some layabout. DH and I have contributed to building a larger house for my in-laws in India and I think it's pretty much expected we will move in to help care for them at some point. I like a lot about that system of family organisation (after seeing elderly relatives shoved into nursing homes where they die soon after) so I am completely okay with this expectation. I do think you can be more independent and live with your in-laws too. I can't speak my husband's regional language either beyond a few words but I did do a Hindi course/ CD's etc and can understand/speak a fair bit of that. You can get by with Hindi too because most people will speak that a bit.

I too wish you all the best op. I think you did that your parents basically rejected you when you were pregnant at 17, and that your PIL in contrast did not. It sounds like you have been stuck at that stage for a long time - scared to rock the boat and disturb the way things are. I don't come from your cultural background and I would not for a minute judge your actions by what is normal for me. I am really glad there have been a number of posters who share your culture and can show you where and how to seek some independence within that context.

I'm really pleased that you are beginning to make positive stepping towards doing something "for you". Unlike many posters I think your situation is actually good - your in-laws sound very kind and your husband sounds like he will start to make some changes too - well done on starting to get the ball rolling . One sugestion is to offer your services as a volunteer parent helper at a local school (your daughter's maybe?) This can often be a good way of getting experience and will help in your uni applications. Good luck!

Your daughter is at school all day and I imagine then has after school activities/playing with friends- why don't you get a job and study part time in the evenings ? Would be the best of both worlds ?

Good luck OP. I detect a strong person in there who will get to where she wants to be.

What do your PIL think of you wanting to study? Would they be at all supportive?

Am I right in assuming you are not Indian? If so, I get that there are cultural factors from their side but surely there must be some understanding of your own cultural norms/pressures/factors (ie that it's normal to want to achieve something as a woman and a mother that's outside of the home)? I suspect the fact that you've "complied" with their set-up for such a long time and the situation around your uoung pregnancy etc means an unspoken acceptance that you've forgone any right to a different normal.

Sounds like a hard nut to crack but you clearly understand the dynamics of the family, you just have to find a way to best use this all to your advantage.

The volunteer parent helper is a great idea! I'll enquire at the school on Monday aswell as applying for actual classrom assistant jobs. My PIL are supportive of me wanting to study, but again are confused by why I would actually want to work afterwards. But i'm definitely going to do it!I'm quite excited for it alll! I'm not Indian, i'm white British and my parents did reject me when I was pregnant. They didn't want to see DD until she was 6 weeks old. And it's still just me and DD going to Scotland for 3 weeks, DH is going to come for one weekend.