To think my husband is being selfish and doesn't appreciate my sacrifices?

[MangoJuiceAddict]

Hi, i'm new (this is my first thread!) but I look forward to becoming an active member :). This is probably going to turn into a rant as i have nobody else I can share my feelings with.

A few weeks ago I asked my husband (is DH the acronym?) if he would join DD and me in going to visit my grandparents in Scotland for 3 weeks, he laughed and said 'I can't be around your family for that long!'.

I was shocked by this: we've lived with his parents ever since we were 17 (I fell pregnant with DD at 17) so that he could study medicine and fulfill his dream of being a GP, although his parents have helped me A LOT I do sometimes find them overbearing and wish we didn't live with them.
DH then used work as a reason he couldn't come with me and DD (he's just qualified as a GP, and i'm starting to think he cares more about his career than DD and me ). Today I mentioned that i'd like to do a open uni course as I sacrificed going to uni to raise DD and DH laughed and said 'What would be the point?'. Am I being unreasonable or is he being selfish? I'm worried about his attitude affecting DD (she's 11). Apart from that DH is a great dad and is usually very supportive of me, but lately he has become so arrogant and will only so something if it will benefit either his career or his family.

Sorry for the rant, all opinions are welcome :)!

You won't have the same entry requirements if you are going in as a mature student. My dad was accepted to a Russell Group uni to do a degree with one "a" level when he retired.

Depending on the Uni you will not be seen as "old". I'm 29 and one of the youngest amongst my group of friends at Uni - us mature students all seem to stick together!

Both our kids have an Indian name and a Western name for the same reasons. It does help with acceptance.

There's an open day at Birmingham City Uni on june 15th (next week!), I think i'll go to it and have a look. I can't continue to waste my days literally doing nothing nor his parents continuing to pay for me (they are happy to do so as they adore DH so much, but it's still embarasing and pathetic).

I was going to post the same as Chaz: as you will be applying as a mature student the entry requirements won't be the same. Universities recognise that life experience is another valuable predictor of success. Ime (university lecturer) mature students are not that much of a minority these days and they often do very well in their studies: not least women who have been raising children; it develops all sorts of valuable coping skills.

It sounds as if you do need something to boost your confidence and give you wider social contacts.

I would do something about the Punjabi too, though. As the foreign parent in our household, I have to admit I would feel paranoid and insecure if dh hadn't valued something that is as essential a part of me as my language enough to want to learn it. And I speak English well enough to teach it at degree level. Also, it is half of your dd's heritage: the day may come when she finds it strange that you aren't interested in half of her.

Op you are saying an awful lot of personal stuff that could 'out' you in real life, your dds name and l

Location. Be very careful here if you want to stay anonymous.

Eek, op perhaps ask MN to remove DD name from post. You are easily identifiable by what you have put.

Sorry! How to I ask mumsnet to remove her name?

Yes, eldest son. I don't think he is worshipped though. There is an expectation that he will care for them in their elderly years which ,of course, I agree with. However, he did leave home at 23.

use the report function to report your own post which mentions it and ask them to remove it

I made a similar mistake once; they were very quick

Lovely name by the way :)

Just don't want one of your MILs friends reading and recognising you from the details and then reporting back.

Yes, the elderly years thing does make sense: DH's grandmother moved from India to the UK so DH's parents could look after her in here old age (this was at the same time as DD was a toddler... the house was chaos!). Thank you, I think i'm just desperate so didn't consider how much info I was sharing .

No wonder he isn't keen on you getting a degree and working! He may have the cultural expectation to care for his parents, but I'd bet good money that it is YOU who will be expected to provide it, while he swans around playing the big doctor

You're no longer a child - DD is just 6 years (I think) younger than you were when you got pregnant with her. Its well past time to move out and also well past time for you to take the steps you want to in order to get yourself a career if that's what you wish. Moving out doesnt mean your DH and DD wont see the inlaws - I rather doubt your DH would let you move particularly far away from them - but the talking in a language you cant understand in front of you, the mocking your decisions/dreams, is not acceptable in any shape manner or form and shows they still think of you as that 17 year old in some way. I'm indian, my husband is english - my parents, sister and I can speak bengali but we choose to speak English as a language all the family can understand. There is absolutely no way I would be having a second child with this man in your current circumstances.

You didn't need to miss uni because you had a child - there were 2 single mothers of young children in my degree (Law) and another student gave birth during the summer holidays, returned, passed and is now a solicitor.

You need to take more control of your life and perhaps you are only wakening up to this now. If you were happy not to work or study (excuse me if you did) and live with your inlaws for twelve years its not surprising you're getting fed up now.

I don't actually think your DH is that unreasonable in not wanting to spend 3 weeks staying with his inlaws in Scotland. It wouldn't be most people's ideal holiday. Does it not occur to you to go on holiday together at all, away from all the inlaws? And it quite likely that he can't get 3 weeks together off for those particular weeks if he is a new GP.

OK, a few points spring out from your OP:

You say will only so something if it will benefit either his career or his family. His family is you and dd. If he regards his parents as more of a priority than you, that is a massive problem and he needs to recognise that.

You let the PIL name your daughter and arrange your wedding - I'm afraid if you didn't want this to happen you needed to resist at the time. Agreeing then complaining that you didn't really mean it doesn't work. I understand that you compromised for good reason but you can't un-compromise now. If you keep looking to the past regretfully and complaining passively after the event, you will get stuck in a cycle of compromise and regret, continue to be walked over and become bitter.

If you want the future to be different, you have to let go of the past a bit and say 'that's how things were then, circumstances are different now, I am different now and things are going to be different in future'.

His attitude to your education is shocking. But again, you don't have to justify doing a degree on the grounds that you sacrificed your chance to support him doing his. You don't have to justify it at all. You're interested in studying - do it because you want to.

The OU is fab, I'm studying with them at the moment (must get back to exam revision!). It's such a flexible way of studying, as all you're doing is the study, fitting it into your life, in your home (plus tutorials, which are really helpful for meeting the tutors especially), not the social and 'growing up and moving away from home' aspects of a degree that take up so much time when you're 18. Do look at other options too (and factor in travel time etc) but you do have a great option in the OU.

Oh yes, I was pregnant when I started with the OU and took an exam when dd was 12 weeks old. Not ideal but fine and, apart from that exam, the timing worked brilliantly - got all last year's course work out the way before she was born, then had the rest of the summer off and started this year's course when she was six-months old. Very doable.

What's the difference between God and a Doctor?
God doesn't think he's a Doctor.

Time for you all to move out OP- visiting your parents is a red herring; 3 weeks is a long to stay with anyone, but perhaps use it as a hook to have the 'what the fuck are we doing still living with your parents?' conversation.

It's long overdue.

To be perfectly honest, it doesn't sound like you have been a particularly motivated individual for the past 12 years. Something has changed and woken you up to the fact that you want more out of life than to drift into having another child or two, and then into becoming his parents full time carer in later years. That's a good thing but to be fair to your DH and his family, you've coasted along for 12 yrs and therefore set some expectations along the way. He may be an arrogant git but he may not take your aspirations very seriously if given the level of support you have, you haven't gotten out of your own way for this length of time. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Med training is difficult and requires a lot of bloody hard work. I disagree strongly with posters who are a) automatically assuming he is now loaded and b) wishes to exploit you as some sort of barefoot and pregnant housewife.

You don't need a degree to get a job right now. It would be perfectly possible for you to do a degree, and work part time with an 11 yr old with the support you describe. Or do a full time intensive course and graduate early. What do you actually plan to do with an English Lit degree? Your DH's respect for non-science based training is likely to be stronger if there is an actual planned outcome - teaching, writing, marketing etc. You could go and do some computer training etc now and make yourself employable. You'll need basic IT skills just to submit an essay in any case.

What did you plan to be at 17 before life got in the way ?

I think yabu about the 3 weeks in Scotland. If your DH sees them once a fortnight that's a pretty decent level of contact unless they have specific needs. A long weekend is about my DH's limit with my family. I think it is unreasonable to use your living arrangements as the reason he should use most of his annual leave entitlement visiting the inlaws who can't be that far away if you manage weekly visits

My advice would be to book a proper holiday - away from all family and show him what life might be like with just the three of you.

Wow: i've never thought about the fact that DD is just six years younger than I was when I got pregnant with her, that's scary! I have to do something for her sake, I can't believe I have literally done NOTHING since I was 17... i'm defintely going to look at the OU prospectus and attend a few uni open days . We do go on holiday together but after 3 days DH will always say 'Looking after DD is so difficult! At least we don't have to do this all the time!' (meaning thank god we still live with my parents!). At easter we went for a weekend away as a couple and left DD with in laws and he was nicer to talk to and be around. He sees his parents as his family and me and DD as second to them, he has admitted this to me in the past (he tried to soften the blow by saying 'I love you two with all my heart but its just different with my parents'). How long does an OU degree take to complete? aha I like the doctor joke, very true! I'm hoping that in three weeks he'll miss DD and me and agree to compromise more (he still won't come with us).

When I was 17 I wanted to do a degree in English Lit and didn't actually know what career, but I had offers from top uni's so thought i'd have a relatively successful career. With my current circumstances I would love to work as a teacher, but I know DH would greet me with the 'But what is the point?!' response. He doesn't seem to understand that i'd like job satisfaction. I am going to do the degree though, and see what happens afterwards depending on my confidence. Plus, will employers not think it is ridiculous that I have literally done nothing?! There's a hue gap in my CV....

Are you treated well by the in-laws? If you have not worked and been looked after all these years then they can't be that bad.

Remember, it would have caused them terrible shame for their son to have got someone pregnant and to 'have to get married' at such a young age. For them to accept you totally in these circumstances shows a lot. Obviously your DH is equally at fault but if he had denied responsibilty what would you have done?

Culturally, he will be expected to live & look after his parents. If the house is big, you won't have the excuse of space to move out! I'm sorry I don't think that will happen. Although you might need more space if you had more children....

I think you should do a degree, but not OU, go to a proper uni. A degree with a career path would also be a good idea, not just for your future, but would probably be more acceptable by your DH.

I'm sure you must have picked up some punjabi words by now. If not, you can learn even on the internet, you tube etc. You don't need to learn the letters, you just want to be able to understand it.

Is the first time you will be going to stay with your grandparents? It does seem a long time. I think a week is more than enough tbh

I am british asian so can understand the issues you are going through. Your DH probably doesn't think it necessary for you to study & work esp now that he earns well. BTW what are the family's expectations for your DD? Do they expect her to go to uni etc?

I am treated very well by my in-laws: they treat me like they do their biological daughters and have always supported me. Sometimes just me and my father in law will go for lunch together as we get on so well and I do a lot of things with my mother in law. I love them to pieces, it's my DH who seems to cause the problems. I understand it was hard for them, and if DH had denied responsibility I would have had an abortion. My parents would in no way support me or allow a bab to live with them, let alone continue to financially back me even when the child is 11 years old. I don't think we'll be able to move out, the house is very big and there are 3 more spare bedrooms so more children isn't even a reason to move! I'll mention my plan to teach to DH and see if he's more supportive . I don't know a word of punjabi but i'm going to ask my mother in-law to teach me some, I would like to know it so I help DD to appreciate her Indian heritage even more. Yes, we've never stayed with my grandparents before. I'm going to ask DH to come for a week and me and DD will stay for the full three weeks, although DD will probably miss DH's parents in that time! This is the problem: he just doesn't see it as necessary. He can't understand that I have my own dreams and ambitions. They expect DD to go to uni and do medicine or dentistry and to be married to an asian professional before she's 30, but they don't actually care if she ever has a career or not. INeedSomeSun- do you live with your in-laws?