Do I let my DDs grandparents take her on holiday but not my DS?

[Churmy123]

Hi all
First a bit of background...I don't really have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. We don't see them very often even though we live in an small town. This is mainly because a few years ago we pulled out of a holiday that we were supposed to go on with them when my DS was a baby. Ever since then things have been a little strained. My MIL does pick my DD (5) up from school one night a week and takes her to her house for tea but she rarely spends any time with my DS (2.5). She offers to have DD over to stay the night at the weekend (as she did this regularly before DS was born). I do let her go occasionally as she adores her nana and enjoys a sleepover. However I do feel its a bit unfair on my DS and he does get upset. I understand why she offers to have my DD more than my DS as he is a bit of a handful.
Anyway yesterday when my MIL dropped my DD at home my DD came running in excitedly shouting 'I'm going on holiday with nana'. So obviously myself and my DH asked what she was talking about and the MIL quickly said 'oh I've told her she can come on holiday with us at the end of the 6 weeks holidays. It's a lovely cottage on a farm with a pool. She'll love it.' I was a bit taken aback and didn't really say yes or no.
So I gave it some thought over night and text her today asking where it was and who was going. She replied that there was a gang of them going. I can only assume that its my DHs parents, sister and partner and possibly aunty and uncle. So now I'm in two minds whether to let her go. I can't help thinking its a big family holiday that we have been excluded from. And also feel sorry for my DS as he wasn't invited either.
So the question is would you let grandparents take one of your children?
Abi
x

No.

We used to go in pairs, there were 4 of us and altogether would of been too much. Without reading too much into it maybe she is worried about a pool and a 2.5 year old, at least with a 5 year old when you tell them not to go near the pool they won't.

Another no.

I think your husband needs to have a word with his parents regarding treating your DC equally. I can understand that it is Probalby easier to have your daughter for longer if she is less of a handful than your son, but they need to give him a little more GP time.

He also needs to give her a rocket for mentioning the holiday to your daughter before discussing with you. Now if you say no (which would be perfectly reasonable) you get to look like the baddies in the situation :(

I'm guessing you weren't invited on the holiday as you dropped out of the previous one. perhaps you all need to sit down and discuss why that happened, and that it was a one off, and that you would like to be asked again in future (if indeed you would like to do this, it might give your DS chance to spend more time with GPs).

And no, I don't think I would let them. A whole week is a lot of child care when you have only been doing a few hours after school once a week and the odd night here and there.

No. We had the same, they either have both or none. Seems very unfair.
Could you not all go together?

Would you have the same reservations if it were your own family. If not than I think YABU. If you would be equally doubtful about it then YANBU, if you think it's unfair on your DS.

However I don't think it's remotely unreasonable for your ILs to offer to take one without the other, not least because there is (or can be ) a HUGE difference in dependence levels between 5 year old and 2 year olds. If it were me I'd be grabbing the opportunity with both hands provided you and your DP (you haven't said what he thinks) are happy for your ILs to take responsibility for DD.

FWIW from what you say it doesn't sound like MiL has handled this terribly well: she really should have spoken to you and your DP first, but it does sound like there is some kind of back story for which you are equally responsible. e.g if you pulled out of a planned holiday with them, they might be forgiven for thinking that you're just not that keen.

I agree it hasn't been handled very well but I think it is perfectly reasonable for the grandparents to just take one child, perhaps they will take your DS on his own when he is older? Looking back I often used to go away with my grandparents, without my brothers, never even thought that it might have been an issue . As Antisecco says, there is big difference between a 5 year old and 2 year old, and even between taking one child and two.

Sounds like there is really a bit more to this than just the holiday ....

they either have both or none.

Oh well, your kids, your rules I guess, but this seems ridiculous. It's lovely for the little ones to have (age appropriate) one on one time with GPs

I don't think it is unreasonable of grandparents to take a child at a time, but that only works when there aren't doubts that a child is being favoured over the other.

Your dh needs to talk to his parents.

I don't think its U to just take one (elder) GC on holiday if that's all they can cope with, but I do think it's U in the context of pretty much ignoring one GC in favour of the other. For eg, I think it's perfectly fine to say 'we'll take DGD away this year and DGS next year.' But clearly this isn't happening here so I think YANBU at all.

And what monty said, first rule of grandparenting surely is you don't promise a massive treat without checking with the parents first?

I think the wider issue of them not spending as much time generally with DS should be addressed, however I think that a holiday with a 2.5 year old is a big ask for grandparents and she is a much easier age. It is a bit strange that DS is getting upset at 2.5 about this as it shouldn't really be registering with him at that age. Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings on him?

She was out of order telling your DD before mentioning it to you, but I don't think there is anything wrong with their only taking one child. A 2 yo can be difficult, while a 5 yo is easier to handle. I often went away with my GPs without my little brother, and my eldest went away with my parents on her own. Even siblings can be treated as individuals.

There's a lot of difference between a 2.5 year old and a 5 year old, as has been said. A 2.5 year old is a bit like looking after a baby and perhaps they feel better able to cope with an older child, like your DD.

I don't think your son is yet quite old enough to know he is being excluded, nor what he is being excluded from. I'd let her go and make sure that MIL does not, under any circumstances, tell your DD anything like this again before she has discussed it with you.

You say your DS is a 'bit of a handful' - perhaps he is more of a 'handful' than you actually realise and other people can't, or won't, cope with him??

I think what I would find most unreasonable about this situation is the fact she told your DD without having spoken to you first. Now if you say no, you're the bad one in DD's eyes! I would have an issue with this as if they were arranging a family group holiday with your DD in mind they could easily have invited you and your DH and DS along with a view to doing day trips with DD if they find her much easier than him. I would explain that you don't want to start a precedent of your DD going away without her brother and suggest they do more things with you all as a family to get to know him a bit better.

I would never expect them to take both on holiday. My DS is a bit of a handful and it wouldn't be much of a holiday for the in laws! He is non stop from the minute he wakes until he goes to bed. He's not potty trained yet and has fairly limited speech. You need eyes in the back of your head! So I fully understand her not wanting to take him.
With regards to the history. We were at fault for cancelling the holiday that we had planned a few years ago. We booked it before my son was born. He was an unsettled and very demanding baby and I just panicked about being away from home with him! But it was two years ago and think its time we moved on from this. But obviously she hasn't. I did try and build some bridges a few weeks ago. We are going on a haven holiday in August for 7 nights and I asked if they wanted to come and spend the day or night with us. She was very uninterested in the offer.

I'm in the same position, although my younger ones are twins and my ILs don't favour my older DS over the twins in affection. My MIL mentioned taking DS with his cousin away for the weekend, she mentioned it to us in front of him but luckily he didn't hear. I have issues with it as I think they will find it very tiring, they are older grandparents and having two 6 yos will take it out of them. My BIL thinks a great idea unfortunately. I also feel that at times they see the older cousins as a unit and forget about the younger ones and they are nearly at the age when they will notice and perceive a difference in how they are treated. They cannot take all four and I don't expect them to. We are going to say no, but we are ducking the issue, we are going to let it lie and time for booking anything will run out, plus I don't think that there would be any dates that all can make. However in the future I will say no outright on the basis that my other children would feel left out and be old enough to understand that.

I would be very angry in your position, she has no business in mentioning it to your daughter first. From your posts it seems as though she is favoured above your DS so I would say no for that reason. Although she may find your DS more tricky for sleepovers, she could find something else to do with him for a couple of hours, a park, a farm but it doesn't sound as though she does or try to build a relationship with him. If this continues it will become a problem for your children with your DS feeling left out and unloved. You need to discuss if with your DH, what does he think about the way his mother treats you all?

Sorry about the essay, I think you should say no, but I am interested to see if anyone has a different view on this.

KellyElly I didn't say he was upset about the holiday! He gets upset when my MIL comes and takes my DD to the park or out for tea or for a sleepover!

I would never expect them to take both on holiday. My DS is a bit of a handful and it wouldn't be much of a holiday for the in laws!

Well said Churmy...but this being the case, wouldn't it conversely be a bit unfair on DD not to go just because her little brother is a pest??

As others (inc me!) have said, the unreasonable bit is that MiL didn't consult you first! And clearly she still thinks that the reason that you pulled out 2 years ago was about her and not you. Some serious air clearing needed here (perhaps better coming from DP!)

DB has three boys and my parents would take them one at a time. Easier for them as GP and some special time for each child.

I think your MIL was wrong to tell your DD before asking you. However your DS is young and would you want him to go for a week anyway? I owuld be wanting to make it clear that when he is 4/5 he should be offered the same but not now.

My MIL has a fantastic relationship with my DD but no relationship with my DS. She offers every weekend to take DD to the park, or out for tea or a sleepover. And picks her up from school one night a week. She sees my DS for a few minutes every week when she drops my DD off at home. Even last night when she dropped her off my DD had got 3 presents that my in laws had given her from their weekend away in Paris but nothing for my DS. My husband is as stubborn as my MIL! He wouldn't be bothered if he never saw him mum or sister again. But I make the effort becasue I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents.