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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I let my DDs grandparents take her on holiday but not my DS?

106 replies

Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 16:11

Hi all
First a bit of background...I don't really have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. We don't see them very often even though we live in an small town. This is mainly because a few years ago we pulled out of a holiday that we were supposed to go on with them when my DS was a baby. Ever since then things have been a little strained. My MIL does pick my DD (5) up from school one night a week and takes her to her house for tea but she rarely spends any time with my DS (2.5). She offers to have DD over to stay the night at the weekend (as she did this regularly before DS was born). I do let her go occasionally as she adores her nana and enjoys a sleepover. However I do feel its a bit unfair on my DS and he does get upset. I understand why she offers to have my DD more than my DS as he is a bit of a handful.
Anyway yesterday when my MIL dropped my DD at home my DD came running in excitedly shouting 'I'm going on holiday with nana'. So obviously myself and my DH asked what she was talking about and the MIL quickly said 'oh I've told her she can come on holiday with us at the end of the 6 weeks holidays. It's a lovely cottage on a farm with a pool. She'll love it.' I was a bit taken aback and didn't really say yes or no.
So I gave it some thought over night and text her today asking where it was and who was going. She replied that there was a gang of them going. I can only assume that its my DHs parents, sister and partner and possibly aunty and uncle. So now I'm in two minds whether to let her go. I can't help thinking its a big family holiday that we have been excluded from. And also feel sorry for my DS as he wasn't invited either.
So the question is would you let grandparents take one of your children?
Abi
x

OP posts:

Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:31

My DS was 2 once.

He wasn't potty trained until after three. Because I had lots of international trips planned.

Your MIL is being unfair to your family, and she's harming your children's self esteem. The pair of them!

Say no to the holiday, and take a leaf from your H's book, stand back and don't sponsor this dysfunctional dynamic anymore.

Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:33

If you don't nip this 'my son's a pain' nonsense in your head, and in the view of your family, the poor boy will grow up thinking he's a nuisance.

Stand up for him! Stand up for your DD and stop this golden-childing!

foreverondiet · 05/06/2013 19:33

Would say no if your DS was older say age 5 & 8. But your DS is still small so unlikely to be excluded and also much harder work - so at 2 & 5 think ok for just her to go.

WinkyWinkola · 05/06/2013 19:46

It makes me when gps ask the dcs first about going away with them instead of talking to the mum and dad about it. Manipulative move that one.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 05/06/2013 19:48

She came back from holiday with 3 presents for dd and none for ds?
She's been having dd for sleepovers since she was younger than ds is now, but never had ds?
She takes dd out every week and doesn't stop to play with ds?
She's organised a family holiday and wants your dd but not your ds, or you, or dh?

"No" is a complete sentence.

You won't be doing your dd any favours at all by letting this go on. And what happens to dd if a cousin appears on the scene, who MIL prefers?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/06/2013 19:50

What berthathebogcleaner said.

I would stop her having DD for the holiday and would stop the one night a week from school too.

Original poster

Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 19:59

Thanks everyone! My daughter hasn't mentioned it today so hopefully she's forgotten all about it for now! I asked my hubby to ring her but he refused! So just going to let the dust settle!

OP posts:

Louise1956 · 05/06/2013 20:26

She may think your son is a bit young to be away from you, but your daughter is old enough. i don't see any harm in letting your daughter go, if she wants to. but she should have asked you first, but maybe it didn't occur to her that you would mind?

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/06/2013 20:30

My in-laws have each of my children to stay but separately and didn't have them till they were potty-trained and sleeping through the night - which is fair enough really.

The children love that 1:1 time with the grandparents. But the key is there's no favouritism.

Do you think your mil would do the same with your DS when he's older?

DeWe · 05/06/2013 21:03

Yes.
There's a heck of a difference in taking a 5yo and taking a 2.5yo on holiday with you.
And my dc rotate who stays with grandparents, because they love their time on their own, and it allows me to focus on the other two and do stuff especially for them too.

If you want to, say something along the lines of "I hope you'll take ds when he's old enough too, so he can have a special holiday with his grandparents and allow me to have special time with my daughter".

If you insist they both go, it may well end up being neither.

Original poster

Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 21:10

I would never insist they both go. I did say earlier that the decision has been made and my daughter isn't going. I've told my MIL (by text) but have not had a response. So leaving it at that for now. If my daughter mentions it and just going to say that's its not fair that she gets to go but her brother doesn't and we will go and do something fun as a family :-)

OP posts:

Cosydressinggown · 05/06/2013 21:12

Absolutely not.

Firstly, nobody who ignores one of my children would be allowed to continue doing this.

Secondly, she should have asked you first. She's disrespected you right from the start on this, so I could not feel confident that she was either doing it for the right reasons or going to respect your parenting whilst they are away.

Thirdly, depends on your inlaws, but there's no way I'd let mine supervise my young child around a pool, cos they wouldn't do it properly. Your inlaws don't exactly sound that child friendly if they can't cope with changing nappies.

No. Just no.

Original poster

Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 09:55

Well she has been told that my DD will not be going with them. I have asked my hubby to talk to her and explain why we were a bit upset about the whole thing but he won't. He's quite happy to leave things as they are and just wait and see if she contacts us. Which probably won't be until next Tuesday when she would normally pick DD up from school. If she doensn't get in touch then we will know she has really fell out with us. I'm so glad I don't have this with my dad and step mum. It's so easy and there are no hidden agendas. x

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 06/06/2013 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gotthemoononastick · 06/06/2013 10:56

I would rather pull out my eye and feed it to a bulldog than supervise and look after someone else's two year old around a pool for an hour,never mind an extended holiday!Sad that older little sister will be losing out though.

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2013 11:00

So the question is would you let grandparents take one of your children?

Yes, if it was a question of 1 at a time (both together being too much of a handful).

Your ds is very young to go away without you, so if their relationship with him is otherwise good then it wouldn't bother me.

If you think this is part of a pattern of favouritism, then no.

Do you think you have not been invited to join them because they are worried you may bail out?

JennyWren · 06/06/2013 11:22

I think that FarBetterNow has hit the nail on the head - it isn't about treating your children the same, it is about treating them equally. It isn't appropriate to treat all children the same - they're not identical, with identical needs and feelings and wishes. But they should be treated equally - with equivalent time and love (which doesn't necessarily equal the same money, IMHO), to do things that are appropriate for each child. Next weekend we are taking DD to London for the day, as a treat, to see a show. DS (younger) is going to his grandparents for the weekend. DS would be bored in the theatre as he wouldn't sit still long enough, and he wouldn't enjoy it. But he will adore his time with his grandparents, especially as he has them all to himself without having to share with big sis! His trip is, essentially, free and DD's is expensive. But it is the right treat for each of them. Another time, DD can have 1:1 time with their grandparents and we will do something different with DS. Not necessarily the same, but equal.

My PIL are getting older as our DC are, and don't necessarily have the energy to do with DS what they perhaps used to with DD. I hope that your MIL will eventually be open to a chat - maybe she is scared that a younger DC will be too much for her? Might she be badly handling that - if she can't do the same for my GS, she isn't thinking about different things she could do. Has she got into a rut of doing things with your DD and maybe hasn't realised that DS isn't a baby any more? Maybe she needs it spelling out to her, gently, that it is OK to do different things, as long as she does something? I hope for your DC's sake that you can sort something out - it does sound as though she could be a lovely GP to all of the GC, if she could find her way over this.

Original poster

Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 12:08

gotthemoononastick my DS would be nearly three at the time of the holiday. And its a tiny pool that is gated and I can't imagine they will use it that much - this is england after all. But my earlier post did say I wouldn't expect her to take both. But to not even extend the offer to all of us? Or maybe just my DS? She didn't even say 'why don't you all come over and spend the day with us? I honestly do believe she still holds a grudge about the holiday that didn't happen two years ago. My DD isn't losing out as such. We are away the week before anyway on our summer holiday with some friends and their kids. To be honest JennyWren I don't think we will ever sort the problems out. Its festered for tow years now and will continue. If I'm brutally honest it will probably end up with us not seeing them at all. We haven't seen hubbys sister yet this year!

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 06/06/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CSIJanner · 06/06/2013 12:13

Se needs to pull her granny pants up and start to take DS and take him to pick up his sister, then they can all spend the afternoon and have supper together. its about building relationships with all of your grandchildren, instead of just one. Favouritism can have a life long affect on children.

My DF had a favourite saying when I was young - "I have my favourite girl. It's your mother."

needaholidaynow · 06/06/2013 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 12:15

To be honest, you let your ds be upset about lack of grandparent contact once a week. He grows up with disappointment once a week!

And you are just sitting there letting it continue because it is easy and convenient for you that mil picks up dd from school once a week?

I would stop that arrangement now!

dufflefluffle · 06/06/2013 12:15

I would. Your DD is older and easier than your DS (his turn will come) Your MIL and your DD obviously have a great relationship from which your DD can only benefit. My DM was the same (fab relationship with DD but only just begining to establish one with DS - and he's 4.5) but I understand that it comes with age. I don't think unfairness comes into it, My mum and my DD chat and have similar interests and I am thrilled that they do. Hopefully one day DS will establish something similar with his GM but if not then maybe with his GF. In your position I would encourage the relationship between your MIl and DD. My DS hardly notices the difference because he is younger and anyway, when DD is with my DM he gets one on one time with me.

CSIJanner · 06/06/2013 12:18

Meant to type there

*My DF had a favourite saying when I was young and us girls started squabbling - "I have my favourite girl. Is your mother"

Original poster

Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 12:27

To be honest QuintessentialOldDear it is about ease and convenience! I would love to not have to rely on my MIL to pick DD up from school. I will be exploring the option of a childminder for one pick up a week or possibly reducing my hours by 2 so I can pick her up. But this will take a few weeks to sort! If it comes to it that she doesn't pick DD up my dad would happily do it for a while (he already does 1 drop off and 2 pick ups for us). If MIL does contact us my hubby is going to tell her that all sleepovers and visits to the park will stop.
dufflefluffle my dad and step mum have managed to have fantastic relationships with both DD and DS so don't think its that hard to achieve.

OP posts:

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