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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I let my DDs grandparents take her on holiday but not my DS?

106 replies

Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 16:11

Hi all
First a bit of background...I don't really have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. We don't see them very often even though we live in an small town. This is mainly because a few years ago we pulled out of a holiday that we were supposed to go on with them when my DS was a baby. Ever since then things have been a little strained. My MIL does pick my DD (5) up from school one night a week and takes her to her house for tea but she rarely spends any time with my DS (2.5). She offers to have DD over to stay the night at the weekend (as she did this regularly before DS was born). I do let her go occasionally as she adores her nana and enjoys a sleepover. However I do feel its a bit unfair on my DS and he does get upset. I understand why she offers to have my DD more than my DS as he is a bit of a handful.
Anyway yesterday when my MIL dropped my DD at home my DD came running in excitedly shouting 'I'm going on holiday with nana'. So obviously myself and my DH asked what she was talking about and the MIL quickly said 'oh I've told her she can come on holiday with us at the end of the 6 weeks holidays. It's a lovely cottage on a farm with a pool. She'll love it.' I was a bit taken aback and didn't really say yes or no.
So I gave it some thought over night and text her today asking where it was and who was going. She replied that there was a gang of them going. I can only assume that its my DHs parents, sister and partner and possibly aunty and uncle. So now I'm in two minds whether to let her go. I can't help thinking its a big family holiday that we have been excluded from. And also feel sorry for my DS as he wasn't invited either.
So the question is would you let grandparents take one of your children?
Abi
x

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 06/06/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueberryHill · 06/06/2013 13:12

I think that the posts saying let your DD go, your DS's turn will come way off mark. The MIL isn't even attempting to have a relationship with him, if it continues as it does his turn will never come.

It isn't a case that she finds a 2, nearly 3 yo hard work, she doesn't spend time playing with him at the OP's house when there is other support there, she doesn't bring him a present back when from holiday when she brings DD three. She doesn't care about him.

What message does that send to him?

Hissy · 06/06/2013 13:15

Why are you being so passive about this?

FGS, stand up for your DC, and bugger the inlaws if they won't treat your children with the equality the deserve.

Your H has clearly suffered by their hands, and you're trying to apply normal functional relationship logic to a situation that ISN'T.

Make the arrangements for your dad to collect, then make arrangements for CM in future, then your life is under your control and not at the behest of others/being done as a favour.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 13:18

Rather than stopping the trips to the park, why not have an honest conversation with her?

Tell her that ds is so old now that he is very upset that his sister gets granma time, and he doesnt, and that he cries when his sister comes home with presents. Tell her that you cannot tolerate her differentiating so much, so unless she wants to also include ds, you will have to limit her time with dd to make it more fair in this way.

Dhs aunt was terrible with giving ds1 presents and leaving ds2 out. In the end we ended up having a stock pile of little presents, so when she came to visit and had gifts for ds1, we would bring out some other presents for ds2 and say "And here are your gifts" and giving auntie a sideline "He gets upset at your treating them so differently, so we have prepared a pile of gifts for the times when you bring him nothing". She was soon shamed into thinking about them both. Instead of the Thunder of appreciation and thanks she was hoping for, she got embarrassment instead. She is fine now. They are 11 and 8.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 06/06/2013 13:21

Your poor DS. Sad Your MIL sounds like a real treasure Hmm

It's obvious from your posts that this is about far more than a holiday away, so I can't understand those saying 'why should DD miss out on a holiday.' DD has to miss out on this occasion because DS has missed out so many times on absolutely everything to do with his Gran. Your DD will get over missing a holiday - your DS may not get over the clear exclusion by his own Grandma, in favour of his sister.

What sort of person brings 3 presents back for one child and none for the other. What a bitch. She will ruin your DD and DS sibling relationship it is allowed to continued. I'm glad to see from your later posts that you are putting a stop to this.

Reading this thread has made me feel really Sad for your DS

cherhorowitz · 06/06/2013 13:23

Never. I'd hate to be excluded (I'm in the same boat with my IL's) and taking one and not the other is not on.

LaRegina · 06/06/2013 13:28

No, definitely not.

If my in-laws had a good relationship with me & the DC then I may let them take all of them - but then it would be more likely that we would all go anyway.

Taking one GC and not the other is really mean and unfair on the other GC I think.

worsestershiresauce · 06/06/2013 13:29

I'd let her go. My DM would be more than happy to look after my 5 year old niece, but wouldn't want a 2.5 year old. Younger children are full on and hard work. I don't think it is about favouring one child over the other, I think it's about age. Did she take your DD on holiday without you when she was the age of your DS?

Original poster
Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 13:37

worsestershiresauce my MIL has never taken my DD on holiday. Just sleepovers at her house. To be brutally honest from now on if my MIL wants to spend time with her granchildren it will always be with all four of us. If she doens't want to spend time with her son and daughter in law and grandson then she doesn't get to spend time with her grandaughter. It's her loss!

Hissy thanks for the comments! To be honest I have had enough of the whole thing now and will be following your advice! I'm too old and life is too short to play games with people and deal with hidden agendas. I have a fantastic family and am so close to my dad, step mum, brother and sister in law, nieces and nephews, and step brothers and sisters and nieces! My kids get all the 'family' time they need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 13:41

Should've probably mentioned this earlier by hubby feels he suffer the same 'inequality' with his sister! The MIL goes to her daughters house twice a day to let her dog out while she is at work but doesn't have time to visit us! A huge issue with my hubby!

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 06/06/2013 13:45

I haven't read all of the thread but I have the same kind of age gaps - DD is 5.5 and DS is 2. I also have a dsis who's 5.

My mum regularly takes my DD away with her and leaves my DS behind, mainly because he's hard bloody work. I struggle to look after the 3 of them for days in half term so can fully understand why.

That said, she will take DS out on his own when she's off work and the girls are in school so he does get 1-2-1 time with her.

She did take them all away recently and it was fine, if hard work.

I wouldn't hesitate to let my mum take DD away on a family holiday with us and DS. She did last year when the whole family went abroad and we had no cash for a second abroad holiday and I didn't think it was fair for her to miss out on time with the extended family.

There's obviously more issues at play with you but I think having a conversation with your mil is the way forward.

jellybeans · 06/06/2013 13:51

No I wouldn't. Especially with ILs. Overnight sleepovers but not holidays.

Original poster
Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 13:53

DragonMamma definitely more issues! I work part time and never see or hear anything from her on the days that I'm at home with DS and DD is at school! Wondering whether she just doesn't like me???

OP posts:
Original poster
Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 14:08

Thanks again for all the comments! We are sorted for now. MIL has been told and we will await reaction if she ever decides to contact us again! The ball is officially in her court!

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/06/2013 14:34

Well done you! :D

I agree, enough faffing about around bad people. You focus on those that ADD yo your life, not detract from it!

Take the cues from your H, he really has the inside track on this.

Has someone suggested Toxic Parents/ toxic Inlaws books to you? They can really help!

All the best to you all.

Mixxy · 06/06/2013 14:37

Can't help but feel that it is a little pointed of your PIL to sort of organize a family holiday while excluding you and your DS. Sort of like she is saying, "If he was too young to go on that holiday, he'll still be too young to enjoy it now". Seems sort of passive aggressive.

I'd let DD go (why didn't MIL ask you first though?)

Original poster
Churmy123 · 06/06/2013 15:02

I had a chat with DD this morning. And she told me that her nana said 'you can come on holiday with us if your mummy and daddy will allow it'. So I suppose we were always going to be the bad guys!

OP posts:
Mixxy · 06/06/2013 15:43

Ugh! I have a MIL like that! She hasn't had the chance to do it to my DS yet, but my nieces were once told that they could "pick out a kitten and take it home if your mother doesn't mind". The kitten was picked out BEFORE my SIL was called! Good luck taking a kitten away from a smitten 7 year old. Thanks MIL!

Hissy · 06/06/2013 17:28

Of course you are missing a trick...

You could call her up and thank her for the invite, that you'll ALL be delighted to come...

cupcake78 · 06/06/2013 17:34

Simply no! You don't treat children differently. What you can't do for one you don't do for another.

Original poster
Churmy123 · 11/06/2013 11:23

Well it's a week on and haven't heard anything from the MIL. My hubby is refusing to make the first move! Both as stubborn as each other!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/06/2013 11:40

Churmy, I have to agree with your husband on this. Why should he make the first move? You MIL (and SIL?) are in the wrong, and if your husband were to approach them they would take that as confirmation that their behaviour was totally OK and see no need to change.

It's better to have no relationship at all than to have one that is damaging, as this is/will be for your children.

MissLurkalot · 11/06/2013 11:44

All sounds too familiar! Thank god though my in laws are the ones who treat then all equally. It's my mother who plays games!
I think you've done the right thing. It's obviously going to be a repeat if two years ago, communication made then nothing is said of it again.
I do agree that as lovely as their relationship is and how helpful it is to have her help, it's on 'her' terms.. One, not the other..
It's a hard one, but I think you've done the right thing to pull back. As she seems rather toxic. And I would want to protect my children from people like that, family or not.

pigletmania · 11/06/2013 12:03

No would be my answer, not for another couple of years, than you can take ds too.

pigletmania · 11/06/2013 12:11

Don't keep making excuses, she can still spend time with your ds, walk, park or at home reading pr playing with him. If this divide is allowed to,continue it can get worse

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