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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I let my DDs grandparents take her on holiday but not my DS?

106 replies

Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 16:11

Hi all
First a bit of background...I don't really have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. We don't see them very often even though we live in an small town. This is mainly because a few years ago we pulled out of a holiday that we were supposed to go on with them when my DS was a baby. Ever since then things have been a little strained. My MIL does pick my DD (5) up from school one night a week and takes her to her house for tea but she rarely spends any time with my DS (2.5). She offers to have DD over to stay the night at the weekend (as she did this regularly before DS was born). I do let her go occasionally as she adores her nana and enjoys a sleepover. However I do feel its a bit unfair on my DS and he does get upset. I understand why she offers to have my DD more than my DS as he is a bit of a handful.
Anyway yesterday when my MIL dropped my DD at home my DD came running in excitedly shouting 'I'm going on holiday with nana'. So obviously myself and my DH asked what she was talking about and the MIL quickly said 'oh I've told her she can come on holiday with us at the end of the 6 weeks holidays. It's a lovely cottage on a farm with a pool. She'll love it.' I was a bit taken aback and didn't really say yes or no.
So I gave it some thought over night and text her today asking where it was and who was going. She replied that there was a gang of them going. I can only assume that its my DHs parents, sister and partner and possibly aunty and uncle. So now I'm in two minds whether to let her go. I can't help thinking its a big family holiday that we have been excluded from. And also feel sorry for my DS as he wasn't invited either.
So the question is would you let grandparents take one of your children?
Abi
x

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueberryHill · 05/06/2013 16:48

But I make the effort becasue I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

But it isn't working, your DD has a great relationship, your DS has none and it will harm them both and their relationship with each other if it continues. The answer to this and other trips / sleepovers etc should be no until both children are treated equally, by that your DS spends some individual time with your PIL that is age appropriate. Does your DH not like his mother and sister?

Branleuse · 05/06/2013 16:49

my mum is taking my 12 year old on holiday this summer but not my 6 and 5 year old. She'll take them when theyre older and dont need as much supervision. I dont have a problem with it.

I think its a bit much expectng them to take a 2 year old on holiday even if theyll take the 5 year old. Im assuming theyll take him when hes older? Worth finding that out

SybilRamkin · 05/06/2013 16:59

Hmm, I'm in two minds about this. Clearly favouring one GC over their sibling is VU, but is this what MIL is doing?

A 2-year-old can be tricky - as other posters have said, you need eyes in the back of your head! And if your DS is still in nappies or not completely potty-trained, that means going everywhere with a giant bag and change of clothes, not to mention the hassle/embarrassment if he has an accident whilst out for tea.

Perhaps your MIL just isn't confident with a 2-year-old, and is waiting for him to get older before she feels comfortable caring for him alone? How was she when your DD was that age - did she ever have her alone/take her out to tea?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/06/2013 17:07

" We don't see them very often even though we live in an small town. This is mainly because a few years ago we pulled out of a holiday that we were supposed to go on with them when my DS was a baby. Ever since then things have been a little strained. "

" I can't help thinking its a big family holiday that we have been excluded from."

So this situation has essentially been festering for two years? Sorry OP, but I really think this should have been dealt with some time ago. Yes, you pulled out of the holiday, but you had a new baby and felt you couldn't handle it, and your PIL are supposedly adults who should not still be in a huff! Now, having said that this should have been dealt with some time ago, I do not mean by you. This is a job for this woman's son to deal with, not her daughter-in-law. Something along the lines of grow the fuck up mum "why, after two years, are you still behaving like this?". It really is well past time for him to settle this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/06/2013 17:13

Oops, cross-posted! Blush

"My husband is as stubborn as my MIL! He wouldn't be bothered if he never saw him mum or sister again. But I make the effort becasue I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents."

Your children do not have a relationship with their grandparents, only your DD does. And your DS is becoming upset at his exclusion, and will become more so as he gets older. In your shoes I would stop making the effort. Indeed, I would make it clear to this woman that you have given her the benefit of the doubt for two years now, and she continues to play favourites (Three presents for one child but nothing for the other? No way!) and you will not have this wedge driven between your children. No, your DD will not be going on holiday with her, and she can kiss the rest of the contact goodbye too.

landofsoapandglory · 05/06/2013 17:21

I'd be putting a stop to the trips to the park, the teas out and the sleepovers until she could treat the both the same TBH.

My parents treat my DC and their cousins, so slightly differently, very differently. They have tried to hide it from us because we live a fair distance away, but my nephew let slip about the holidays he has been on with my parents. Then my mother announced she was taking my sister's kids and DN's DGS on a villa holiday to the Algarve the same week as I was having major surgery. I was really, really annoyed and called my parents on it, as a result they've not seen me or my DC for almost 2 years. It's sad but at least we know where we stand.

trackies · 05/06/2013 17:37

I think that she should have asked you first before mentioning it to your DD.

If it was just your MIL and FIL going on hols and you were totally ok with it then maybe. But i odd think it's odd that there are a gang and that if it is family, that only your DD goes and you, DH and DS are not invited.

Personally, i would let my Mum take just DD on hol if i thought she could hack it for a week, but i'm not confident that she can. She'd be ok for overnight but not for a week or for a few days. Would i worry about DS getting jealous ? no, cos he gets alot of attention from us, and therefore my mum compensates by giving DD alot of attention. DH doesn't like this but i'm ok with it.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heronsfly · 05/06/2013 18:03

From a MIL point of view,I would never tell a child about any sort of treat without checking with the parents first.
But, I am taking my eldest GS(5) on a camping weekend in august, and I must admit it didn't occur to me to extend the offer to his sister 2.6,in fact my DDIL has said she is looking forward to spending some quality time with the little one Grin.
I do tend to take the oldest DG on more outings than the younger ones,but he will be at school soon and then his sister will get her turn ( I promise)

Newdaynewdawn · 05/06/2013 18:09

We don't see them very often...My MIL does pick my DD (5) up from school one night a week

How often is often?

My kids see their grandparents - in laws once a fortnight, my parents once every 3 months. I don't feel like they have a bad relationship or need to see them more frequently.

Why with seeing your MIL once a week do you feel you don't see them very often?

Original poster
Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 18:18

Well we, as in me, my husband and my son, see them for a few minutes every week when my MIL drops my daughter off. That is not often to me!
My dad and step mum see the children nearly every day and if they miss a day we will speak on the phone!

OP posts:
Newdaynewdawn · 05/06/2013 18:23

I think communication maybe key here then, as I and probably your MIL would think that was perfectly acceptable.

But you obviously don't - which is fine, as long as you've said that to your MIL something along the lines of 'it's such a shame that we only see you for flying visits, would you like to come for dinner on Sunday?'

Original poster
Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 18:32

Mmmm obviously people have different expectations! If I end up with grandchildren and am lucky enough to live within a few minutes from them I would want to see them for more than 5 minutes every week! Less during the school holidays! My husband is refusing to budge on this one. So the ball is in her court. I've text her and told her that we don't want our daughter to go. If she has a problem with this then its unfortunate but that's how it is.

OP posts:
Newdaynewdawn · 05/06/2013 18:36

By your own admission you acknowledge your ds is not the easiest of children. I think it's a real shame for your dd to miss out because of your ds' behaviour.

congresstart · 05/06/2013 18:40

I would say no...it's not just about the holiday in this case.

A grown woman still holding a pathetic grudge 2 years later, she needs to be told to get a fucking grip. And taking it out on her own grandchild is just low, personally I would cut contact. I could not sit by and allow any of my kids to be treated like that.

congresstart · 05/06/2013 18:42

So the Ds should be ignored by his grandma because he is active? the OP has not said he has behavioral problems...it's about treating the kids fairly and equally not 'missing out' on holidays.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 18:43

Newdaynewdawn I did say earlier that I wouldn't expect her to take both children. The ideal solution would've been for all of us to go.

OP posts:
congresstart · 05/06/2013 18:45

I agree with you needaholiday, some people have the wrong idea about the overall situation in this case.
She didn't even buy him a gift but the DD got 3...poor little lad, shame on her.

Original poster
Churmy123 · 05/06/2013 18:45

Thanks needaholidaynow that's it in a nutshell! :-)

OP posts:
FarBetterNow · 05/06/2013 18:47

I love my two grandchildren very, very much and equally.

I have taken them both away together which is always lovely but exhausting and I've taken them away one at at time which is also lovely but not exhausting.

They can be treated equally, but it doesn't have to be at the same time or even the same year.
They each love having all my attention and not having to compete with a sibling.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherylTrole · 05/06/2013 19:04

I bloody hate favouritsm. Please dont play into your in laws hands any more. Their behaviour is ludicrous. Remember this, favouritism is not just for Christmas, its for life. Seriously the effects of favouritism are with you for life.

galwaygirl · 05/06/2013 19:14

This is clearly not just about a holiday, your MIL is continuing to punish you, your DH and your son for cancelling the holiday two years ago. She should have cut you some slack at the time and not taken it so badly, to still be in a huff about it two years on is quite frankly pathetic.
How can she be so horrible to an innocent child? I agree with previous posters who say your DD shouldn't have contact while DS is being ignored.

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