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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... To be cross that my mother mispronounces DS's name?

116 replies

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 11:40

This is a combination AIBU and WWYD on something that is fairly trivial on the face of it, but makes me a bit cross and sad. (Though actually I can't see what can be done.)

My DS is almost 15 months old. We live in a different country to my parents, but visit frequently and talk most days on Skype, so they can see DS, who is their only grandchild. All involved have English as a first language. They have just been visiting us, and it was generally lovely. BUT I realised that, 15 months on, my mother still continually mispronounces DS's name. I knew she mispronounced it right at the beginning, when he was born, but DH and I told her (gently!) how to say it, and I thought it was resolved months back.

But now I realise it was only masked by the fact she usually calls him by a short form of his name most of the time. Which is fine, obviously, though everyone else calls him his full name, but when she talks to other people about him and uses his full name, she says it completely wrong. To the point where people don't recognise it.

It's not just a single error, but THREE, for heaven's sake. Difficult to explain without saying the name, but she pronounces a 'th' as 't', switches one vowel sound for another, and puts the emphasis on the wrong syllable. I only realised it was still going on when two people I know slightly from the park and who had met my parents out with DS while they were visiting, mentioned it yesterday, and were clearly worrying they had been calling DS the wrong name all along. (We are newly moved here so they were worried they had picked up the wrong name.)

I won't say the name here, but it's Biblical, perfectly ordinary, phonetically pronounced and though not used much in this country, is very common in other parts of the English-speaking world. No variants, no alternative spellings.

I gently corrected her near the end of the visit, making a joke of it, but she's still doing it, and i realised on the phone to some relatives in our home country that extended family we don't see regularly are saying it wrong, because of how my mother pronounces it in their company! I don't know myself at this point what the problem is. No one else, from close family to people we meet on the street, has ever had a problem saying it. Some kind of mental block? The fact I don't think she liked the name when we originally announced it?

AIBU to be frustrated that my mother can't/won't pronounce her only grandchild's name correctly? I think it would have upset and confused me as a child to have my grandmother calling me by the wrong name. I would never have called him by his lovely name if I'd known this would be an issue, but it's far too late for that now! Any thoughts?

OP posts:
moremintsliceplease · 05/06/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moominsarehippos · 05/06/2013 11:47

My dad used to get muddled with one of my sister's kid's name. In his defence... it was a slightly bashed Americanised version of a Scottish name (two letters transposed) and they lived the other side of the world, so he didn't get to call her it very much to her face. We very nearly put his 'wrong' name in his obit, as it would have amused.

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 11:47

Not Nathaniel, but as an example of how mangled her version is, imagine someone saying 'NATE-an-Yule' for Nathaniel.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 05/06/2013 11:49

My nan pronounces Mathew incorrectly - she says it more like Mat-chew. I don't know what you can do, you have already told your mum how to say it, perhaps she just can't.

tiktok · 05/06/2013 11:56

Yes it matters a lot! More to the point why are you unable to ask very directly and firmly that she says it correctly? We had this in our family with my neice. My mother put the emphasis on wrong syllable , which is just a variant but one my brother and his wife liked less than their way (as an example think of LOO - sya instead of Lou-SEEA for lucia). My bro just said clearly every time she said it 'not like that mum please' and she stopped.

What does it say about her power that you can't do this?

girlywhirly · 05/06/2013 11:58

No I don't think YABU. It is causing confusion and embarrassment to lots of people who have been told the name wrongly and obviously don't want to cause upset to you or your child. I think you should make this very clear to your mum, because I doubt it has crossed her mind. You could point out that people will think she is a bit dim not being able to say the name correctly.

It isn't up to her what you choose to name your child. I think when he becomes old enough to notice her lack of courtesy, he will loudly correct her himself!

thebody · 05/06/2013 11:58

She's your mum. Does it really matter.

Wait till he goes to school and he will probably have a nick name or short version.

You can't control that so you call him the full correct version and then relax.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 05/06/2013 11:59

My 'd'h cant say Matthew..he pronounces it Mafoo and it drives me crazy.
Some people just can't say certain words!
he also says Adsa instead of Asda..daft sod

MikeLitoris · 05/06/2013 12:00

My mum calls my dd Elijah. Her name is Eliza.

Very annoying but mum just cant seem to get it right.

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 12:01

Oh, I do, and I have, Tiktok. As I said, after correcting her when DS was newborn, she settled into calling him a short form of his name, which I don't mind, though no one else uses it. DH and I thought it was all sorted, only for it to come up again on this visit, and to discover she has clearly been mispronouncing it all along, but we didn't know. We corrected her again, and I said I thought it wasn't too much to ask to be able to say her grandson's name, and she agreed, but all that seems to mean is that she sticks to the short form in our hearing.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 12:01

"Any thoughts?"

Yes, dont let it get to you. It honestly is not a huge issue. It doesnt mean she loves him any less does it? Or loves you any less?

She isnt doing it to be malicious or vindictive.

UniqueAndAmazing · 05/06/2013 12:01

tell her straight and outright - not gentle, not hinting.

"mum, his name is Nathaniel. if you can't get it right, then don't speak to him"

(my friend did this to her latest son's grandad, and he started pronouncing it correctly straightaway (albeit with a few grumbles))

thepig · 05/06/2013 12:02

Thadeus?

vitaminC · 05/06/2013 12:06

I'm guessing it's Matthias and she's pronouncing it matty-ass ?

I would just tell her straight out, as calmly as possible that you don't appreciate her not making the effort to pronounce his name properly.

If she continues, I would politely correct her, then end the call right then, every single time. even if you'd only just started... I'm sure she'll get the message soon enough. if not, reduce contact until she does!

LemonBreeland · 05/06/2013 12:11

You need to tell her again, and tell her every time she says it.

Lifeasafish · 05/06/2013 12:13

Different perspective:

My granny mispronounced my name all my life it never bothered me, but afer she died it became more poigniant as she wuld never call me that way again ( i am in tears writing this actually).

Luckily a work mate mispronounces my name in the same way and I loe it as every time I hear it, it reminds me of gran.

Also, even though she is mother english speaker - does she have an accent or anything? My granny was an english mother tongue, but had an accent hat we didn't share all her life.

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 12:13

No, neither of those names. I am going to bring it up next time we talk, but I am beginning to think she genuinely has developed a mental block about it, partly, of course, because she's been mispronouncing it for well over a year, unbeknownst to us!

Sometimes I think it's trivial, but at others I don't. If someone continually mispronounced my name despite repeated correction, I wouldn't think they thought a great deal of me, tbh.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 05/06/2013 12:15

Ds's grandad calls him the feminine version of his full name, he usually uses the short version. I couldn't give a flying fuck tbh and ds just laughs about it.

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 12:16

I'm sorry you lost your granny, Lifeasafish. No, my mother has the same accent that I do, though I probably sound a bit more English these days from living here so long.

OP posts:
xylem8 · 05/06/2013 12:16

How old are they.My FIL is in his 80s and after 10 years still thinks charlotte is pronounced Shallot

Lifeasafish · 05/06/2013 12:16

Sorry for the typos. I really need to learn how to get on with touch screen.
Or at least review my damn post.

UndineSpragg · 05/06/2013 12:17

Mum is 68.

OP posts:
GladbagsGold · 05/06/2013 12:18

What Lifeasafish said - I had a friend who called me not-my-name, there were three people in the world who called me that. Sadly she died and now there are only two. It is really quite a special thing.

There is a culture where everyone in the family picks their own name to call a child and I always thought that would be ace.

Lifeasafish · 05/06/2013 12:18

No need to apologise for my loss, she was very old, had an ace life and I spent a hell of a lot of time with her all my life ( i was late 20s when she passed).

I was just indicating how it felt from a 'child's' perspective.

ArcticRoll · 05/06/2013 12:22

I just think you'll have to grin and bare it tbh rahter than let it potentially ruin your relationship with your mother