... To be cross that my mother mispronounces DS's name?

[UndineSpragg]

This is a combination AIBU and WWYD on something that is fairly trivial on the face of it, but makes me a bit cross and sad. (Though actually I can't see what can be done.)

My DS is almost 15 months old. We live in a different country to my parents, but visit frequently and talk most days on Skype, so they can see DS, who is their only grandchild. All involved have English as a first language. They have just been visiting us, and it was generally lovely. BUT I realised that, 15 months on, my mother still continually mispronounces DS's name. I knew she mispronounced it right at the beginning, when he was born, but DH and I told her (gently!) how to say it, and I thought it was resolved months back.

But now I realise it was only masked by the fact she usually calls him by a short form of his name most of the time. Which is fine, obviously, though everyone else calls him his full name, but when she talks to other people about him and uses his full name, she says it completely wrong. To the point where people don't recognise it.

It's not just a single error, but THREE, for heaven's sake. Difficult to explain without saying the name, but she pronounces a 'th' as 't', switches one vowel sound for another, and puts the emphasis on the wrong syllable. I only realised it was still going on when two people I know slightly from the park and who had met my parents out with DS while they were visiting, mentioned it yesterday, and were clearly worrying they had been calling DS the wrong name all along. (We are newly moved here so they were worried they had picked up the wrong name.)

I won't say the name here, but it's Biblical, perfectly ordinary, phonetically pronounced and though not used much in this country, is very common in other parts of the English-speaking world. No variants, no alternative spellings.

I gently corrected her near the end of the visit, making a joke of it, but she's still doing it, and i realised on the phone to some relatives in our home country that extended family we don't see regularly are saying it wrong, because of how my mother pronounces it in their company! I don't know myself at this point what the problem is. No one else, from close family to people we meet on the street, has ever had a problem saying it. Some kind of mental block? The fact I don't think she liked the name when we originally announced it?

AIBU to be frustrated that my mother can't/won't pronounce her only grandchild's name correctly? I think it would have upset and confused me as a child to have my grandmother calling me by the wrong name. I would never have called him by his lovely name if I'd known this would be an issue, but it's far too late for that now! Any thoughts?

I don't think you should grin and bear it

It's your son's name. And this is your mother we're talking about - not your mother-in-law (which could be more complicated!)

If you can't tell your own mother she's being rude, what hope is there?!

You need to be more direct!

Chaos's own mum says her name wrong

I remember a case like this from when I was a child. We never knew how to pronounce my cousin's name (who we very rarely saw as she lived 100s of miles away) as my gran pronounced it differently from how we were first told. We weren't sure whether my gran was being nuts or whether the family had changed their mind about how to pronounce it. It all ended up in a big muddle. At one point my gran was using her middle name.

I still don't know how to pronounce her name :)

So those of you saying it's no big deal wouldn't care about someone saying your name wrong all the time, even after you'd told them how it was pronounced?

You're more laid back than I am because it would drive me nuts!

I would probably make sure I told those relatives what the actual pronunciation was and that my mum was having a spot of bother getting her tongue round it, and I'd correct her when she said it wrong.

Gently correcting in a joking way clearly didn't get through.There's nothing wrong with saying mum, I noticed that you always say X instead of Y. His name is Y, not X. Please stop saying X.

It looks from this thread that there are people who don't care if their name is mispronounced, but it sounds like it bothers you that your son's is and that's an equally valid feeling. So there's nothing wrong with talking to her about it.

You could always go the immature route and pronounce her name wrong, so call her mooomy instead of mummy, or if you can call her by her first name eg Catherine, call her Cooterin instead etc.

But to me, it wouldnt be a big deal, itd be kinda cute.

Liewe, that scenario haunts me as an idea, as we live so far from family, and I hate the idea of DS being in any way further cut off from his cousins.

I've considered the idea that its DM's possibly unconscious way of disapproving of DS's name. It's not a name to raise an eyebrow on Mn, but in my parents' very small world, it looks exotic and I suspect my mother in particular was embarrassed by it. (Her naming philosophy has been to choose the most common possible name with the idea that there's safety in numbers... She has always been terrified of looking as if she's 'above herself'.) But I now think it's a genuine mental block, wherever that block originally came from.

No, I don't think YABU. When I was pregnant with DD1 I told my mum I liked the nam Erin. She pronounced it without the i, so Ern. I knew it would drive me nuts so shelved it.

I think there comes a point where mispronunciation is disrespectful. My name is very unusual and a lot of people get it wrong at first, but then say it correctly when I tell them how to. I find it rude when close friends or relatives continue to, effectively, call me by the wrong name.

I sometimes respond (childishly) by addressing those people by entirely the wrong name. "Since we're making names up, I think I'll call you [insert random name here])".

Hairy, I think the difference in my case is that, possibly as its not a top ten name, people don't realise my mother is mangling a name, they think its a name they have never heard of, because what she says just isn't recognisable as the actual name!

My parents do the same with DSs name which is Joseph. I hate the way they say it, which is different to the way I say it. When I mentioned it they made fun of it and deliberately over emphasised what I didn't like. But anyway whilst I remember (and still don't like it), I'm pretty sure they've totally forgotten about that conversation and are saying it the way that comes naturally to them.

Personally I'd correct her every single time she says it.
And I'd do a cheesy xmas round robin to distant relatives saying that "this year DS has had to put up with increasing numbers of people mispronouncing his name - how hard is it to pronounce Nathaniel? I bet Nathaniel doesn't have this problem" :)

Wait till DS can talk himself and get him to do the correcting. No Nanna, my name is "correct pronunciation". Surely she will listen to her own grandchild?

My PILs call DD by her full name, all the time! I think the reason for this is that we gave her DH's sister's name as a middle name. Just to be nice (her only aunt) and because it's a very small name, whereas DD's name is quite long - think Francesca Ann Thomson. Rather a long title for someone who's only 10 months old!
Undine I agree with other comments here. You need to sit your mum down and have a serious, direct talk about this. Unless she has a speech impediment, I'd suspect that this is a cheeky comment about her dislike of the name.

tiktok

Now, see, I would pronounce Lucia as "Lew-chia". Its very difficult if you know someone by a name and then someone else has a different way of saying it...there is a girl at our school and it is pronounced "Lewsha". Its difficult to remember sometimes.

My DD2 is 2.4 and my DM and FIL still don't pronounce her name properly, despite me correcting them and me repeating her name the right way 500 a few times each time we visit them She's called Sophia, which I pronounce So-fee-a and they pronounce Sophie-ya. I've tried not to let it annoy me, but I can't help wincing every time I hear it! No real advice for you, just wanted to let you know it's not just you!

Oh, and HairyPoppins, your MIL sounds like she's bonkers, ha ha! Only yesterday I was posting somewhere about MY bonkers MIL and her phone call to me (I'm also Scottish, she's Irish) specifically to suggest that I call my unborn child Genevieve! Yes, DMIL, Aberdonian playgrounds are full of little girls with elaborately French names. WTF?

I agree with LackaDAISYcal - ds will soon put nanny right himself when he's old enough :)

"The Real Mummy" instead of Grandma (or variant thereof)?

Utterly weird...

Undine I am dying for you to just tell us your DS's name and how your DM says it! Go on, go on, go on.

yanbu - you need to put your foot down now or it will get worse. When my baby brother was born my step-granny (step dad's mum, but parents married when I was grown up so don't see her as a granny really) came in before his christening party started and ATE the middle cupcake from his cupcake christening cake as she didn't like the middle name.

parents MET and married when I was grown up