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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texts to DP from young barmaid!

161 replies

Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:04

AIBU to be angry that my DP of 3 years regularly gets texts from a young barmaid at his local? He says Im crazy if I complain about it. I've given him ultimatums and we've even split up over it, but he wont tell her to stop texting him. Seem to enjoy the attention.
Advice and opinions needed Mumsnetters......

OP posts:
CookieLady · 25/08/2013 10:59

You know that he is going to find out that you deleted it. Why are you putting up with him? Don't you think you deserve better?

liquidstate · 25/08/2013 11:01

I would have deleted it too. Don't care if I was being unreasonable or not!

Its unacceptable for him to spend so long down the pub. My father was like that and it was hell for my mum. Things would have to change substantially for me to remain in a relationship like that.

SoleSource · 25/08/2013 14:03

Dump him.....we'll help support you.

HollaAtMeBaby · 25/08/2013 15:37

Not unreasonable to delete but this won't really solve your problem. Bin him.

AnneUulmelmahay · 25/08/2013 16:02

You k

AnneUulmelmahay · 25/08/2013 16:05

Fat thumbs!

Try agin.

You kinda have missed an opportunity to have it out with your boyf one last time. What to do? Dunno. If he won't accept the friendship makes you uncomfortable then what, accept it and ignore? Not sure I could, hmmmmm.

BeauNatt · 25/08/2013 16:14

He's gaslighting you, OP. You are not crazy, it's not reasonable of him to reciprocate the attention. LTB.

Backtobedlam · 25/08/2013 16:38

OP-none of this is your fault and you're not going mad. Whether the barmaid is just a friend/acquaintance or not he should be putting your feelings and concerns above hers. It's not you being controlling...if the situation was reversed and he asked you to stop texting some random you'd met in the pub, would you even have to think about whether to stop or not? I'm sure you would stop contact without a second thought, as most of us would.

ShelleyGal · 25/08/2013 17:18

Hi, I had to post here because I strongly feel that you need to find your strength and deal with the issue once and for all.. My ex was the same, manipulative and controlling.. Making out like I was the crazy one and trying to get the world to agree with him! He was messaging a girl on Facebook, the messages were more explicit than yours but he still denied it even after I had read them! It's taken me a year and a half to get over all the mind games and feel myself again, I still don't trust men. The texts don't worry me, him putting you down worries me much more. Trust your instincts normally they are right! All the best x

RenterNomad · 25/08/2013 20:27

Do you think that, by deleting the message, you are trying to provoke him into a relationship-finishing row? Not a bad idea...

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 27/08/2013 00:36

Thanks for your support everyone. So far he's not realised I deleted it. Think he will when the said barmaid asks if he got the text. When we were on hols the signal was bad so he may think it didnt get through. Im getting stronger so am more able to deal with things, so maybe his days are numbered. We do seem to row such a lot, but now I don't cave in so much. Think he's very manipulative and at the moment think he believes he has the upper hand.....he will get a shock sometime in the near future!

OP posts:
Mixxy · 27/08/2013 06:09

I would jave texted her back "don't contact me again". Then deleted the number.

Then delete him.

Nonickname321 · 03/09/2013 08:15

You're right when he says he will get a shock sometime in the future. You will probably get to a point where you can't tolerate the situation anymore and finish it one way or another. However only you can get to that point yourself - no matter how many of us say dump him or leave him - its something you have to feel ready for in your own head. And when you do you'll wonder why on earth you didn't do it sooner.

I remember giving my first husband chances like you have. Despite obvious signs I chose to put up with his behavior - even when he was violent. and friends would say leave him and were probably very frustrated by me.

However -and this is the point -I got to a tipping point, something inside me finally clicked that I couldn't live like this anymore and just felt I had to get a grip and move on. At some point you WILL say enough is enough and get on with the next chapter of your life. It wont have him in it (and you will miss any good bits in your relationship for a while) but your life will be good in other ways. I'm sure you'll get there.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 03/09/2013 09:49

When I was a 24-year old barmaid ( at 'barmaid' Grin), 54-year old punters were something to be endured, not encouraged.

Odd.

OctopusPete8 · 03/09/2013 10:59

Hmmm It would make me uncomfortable, if you've split up over it and he won't stop why are you back together?

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 03/09/2013 11:14

I once received an irate phonecall from the wife of a punter when I was 22. I'd been tricked into handing over my number and would get texts from him randomly. He was nice enough but I never replied in a sexy manner. He'd also told me he was "on a break" from his wife. It was clear he was after something. I was pleasant to him but made it clear I wasn't the least bit interested in him. Didn't stop him texting me at least once a day. She was obviously suspicious. When she rang me all the blame was laid firmly at my feet. Which was nice.Hmm Strange how some wives after being suspicious enough to snoop on their husbands phone end up believing their husbands ridiculously pathetic excuses and are willing to believe the barmaid did all the running. Yep ok... :o

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 29/09/2013 21:33

Well, finally had the guts to do it. Finished it this evening, ironically the tipping point was nothing to do with aforementioned barmaid! The final straw was the lack of support when I was choking back tears after saying goodbye to my son when he left for uni. This coincided with a family occasion which took place today, my son left with his dad in the middle of it. I looked at him for support and he was oblivious, standing at the bar, chuckling away at some "man joke" or other. Saw red!

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 29/09/2013 22:25

Well done

You deserve better

jacks365 · 29/09/2013 22:27

Good luck for the future it can only get better.

Lora1982 · 29/09/2013 22:34

Well done. You must be feeling the relief starting already

HarryTheHungryHippo · 30/09/2013 14:25

Well done op, stay strong

fluffyraggies · 30/09/2013 14:43

How are you today cornish?

Read your thread when it was new and thought it sounded as if you deserved better.

The only way is up now! Well done you! GrinFlowers

RenterNomad · 30/09/2013 15:01

Hurray!

Rachel778 · 30/09/2013 15:44

YANBU

And if he goes out 5 times a week to the pub I can see why that would peeve you too .. Id do what others have suggested , just turn up one night and even (and I know this sounds bit odd lol) in disguise ? My Mum and her friend years ago done similar (with wigs on mainly) and did find my Mums friends hubby was cheating .

I feel for you seeing as you have already been cheated on . Id not stand for it personally .

Good Luck

Rachel778 · 30/09/2013 15:45

Just seen your post , ,, re finishing it . . Good on you and don't let him talk you round this time . . Good Luck in finding a decent Man ,,

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