Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Texts to DP from young barmaid!

161 replies

Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:04

AIBU to be angry that my DP of 3 years regularly gets texts from a young barmaid at his local? He says Im crazy if I complain about it. I've given him ultimatums and we've even split up over it, but he wont tell her to stop texting him. Seem to enjoy the attention.
Advice and opinions needed Mumsnetters......

OP posts:

FeralStreep · 11/06/2013 20:09

Sorry, missing point of thread, but 'old man'??

At 54?

Sheesh...

Bogeyface · 11/06/2013 20:12

But at 21, 54 is old

I am 40, I consider the younger side of middle aged :o

Bogeyface · 11/06/2013 20:13

I consider it to be.....

dont know what happened there!

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 13/06/2013 13:17

Whereyouleftit - he was in a long term marriage, she cheated, then a short term relationship which also broke up when she cheated. You would think he would be insecure too, but he knows he can trust me.

mmmerangue - thought of having a quiet word with her but decided it would just make her do it all the more out of devilment. Not much in her life apart from the pub so I've heard, maybe that's why she texts? Trying to make trouble just for fun maybe. Just wish I knew.....

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 13/06/2013 13:33

Even at page one or two of this thread I was seing red flags. My disclaimer is that I live in a "yokelly-locally" place and my dp had an affair that started in a similar way right under my nose. She was young, and nearer to my dp's age than I am (he's younger than me), and I found her to be incredibly persistent (when I uncovered all of it). She probably texted him 100's of times to his one or two texts to her, and it was all incredibly dull stuff.

Anyway, the other major flag is just that he's dismissive of your reaction, to a degree that leaves me thinking he has zero respect for you.

ByTheWishingWell · 13/06/2013 13:39

The texts honestly could be completely innocent, there is no proof that the barmaid is a 'troublemaker'. I worked in a local pub between the ages of 18 and 21, and the regulars became my friends. Not because I was trying to stir up trouble in their relationships, or 'enjoy a bit of attention', but because between working and drinking in there, I spent a lot of time there and socialised with other people there.

My friends have always been a mixture of ages and genders, but because most of the regulars were older men, it so happened that while I worked there a lot of my friends were older men. I texted them and drank with them just as I would with any younger female friends. I would have been mortified if I had known one of their DPs had been upset by this.

Please don't assume that this woman has any idea she is causing problems in your relationship, or is communicating with your DH to cause trouble. The problem seems to entirely be your DH to me- he is aware how much this is upsetting you and refuses to do anything about it. You could talk to the woman, she would possibly be outraged at his behaviour towards you and back off. However, I would be considering if it was worth staying with someone who placed so little value on my feelings.

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow · 13/06/2013 13:54

Just another point of view here - I regularly text male friends multiple times a day. Just everyday stuff about life and the universe, nothing 'untoward' as there is no need for it - we are friends and it so happens they have the opposite set of genitalia to mine.

My DP hates it, we have fallen out over it in the past, and as I know it's innocent and just friends I don't allow him to dictate who I speak to - because I am an adult and can choose my own friends. I am not secretive about it per se but don't mention it unless I am directly asked (I already have a threenager and don't need him having a tantrum too) so unless you have seen a message that is beyond the pale or something then yes, it could all be completely innocent and in your own head

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 13/06/2013 13:55

cornish, I wouldn't be 'having a quiet word with her' personally - it is up to your DP to do that. It does sound like he is using this to mess with your head and YANBU to be pissed off about it. I would be, and I don't even have a history of something similar happening.

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 13/06/2013 23:02

Thanks for your comment SeratoninCET, "the other side of the coin".....
I do see your point, and I do realise that some of it is in my own head, mainly due to my first husband having an affair with a young girl (see earlier threads) but I think the fact that he enjoys the texting so much that he does'nt care if it upsets me is the main issue.

Cakecrumbs, he does have a history of messing with my head, he tends to blow hot and cold, be all over me one minute and ignoring me the next. Im used to it now and try to ignore it but I must admit it drove me mad in the earlier days of our relationship. God I wish I was stronger.....I must sound like a right wet lettuce to you all, lol.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 23:12

if you take the texting of the 21yo out of the equation, he still sounds like an utter tool

morethanpotatoprints · 13/06/2013 23:17

A woman did this to my dh, many years ago. She wanted his company and had a crush on him. Eventually she told him not to ask her to have an affair because she would.
She was a 21 year old Swedish Au Pair, i kid you not
he said no thanks, came home and broke all ties.

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 13/06/2013 23:34

If only he would do the same "more than", that would solve the problem, but he's too busy getting an ego boost. When I get stronger in myself (had a difficult few years with other stuff) I will kick him into touch, but sadly that time will be when I really don't care about the relationship. I know from past experiences that the time will come, as this sort of behavior kills love and respect for someone, I can only take so much and then I just say "you know what, do one!" Hope that time's not too far away.....!

OP posts:

mmmerangue · 14/06/2013 08:30

Maybe you could tell him that, before it all falls to bits. Might make him see what the end result will be if he keeps it up?

and for you.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 14/06/2013 08:34

He's very unfortunate isn't he? All these women who cheat on him......

Do you believe him about that?

tallwivglasses · 14/06/2013 08:50

OP , you're wishing your life away here. Why?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2013 09:04

"He's very unfortunate isn't he? All these women who cheat on him......"
That was my first thought too, Birds. Cornish, do you know of your own knowledge that that was how it was, or is it just what he says?

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 16/06/2013 23:40

Thanks for the good wishes mmmerangue. I struggle to get my point across to him most of the time, but I may give your suggestion a go.

As for his previous partners, no I have no proof, only what he's told me, not met either of them, it's a thought I've had myself......cant think of a way to find out either.

Tallwivglasses, I suppose as Ive had a couple of long term relationships fail, and Im not getting any younger - I feel I should try to make this relationship work out?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/06/2013 00:15

"I suppose as Ive had a couple of long term relationships fail, and Im not getting any younger - I feel I should try to make this relationship work out?"
No, no, no, no, no! If you'd bought shoes that pinched the first time you wore them, but you persevered because you thought you'd 'wear them out' and they'd fit but instead every time you wore them they gave you blisters - would you keep wearing them or would you regretfully decide that they were never going to fit and your feet deserved better, put them aside and go out and look for another pair?

What you are talking about is settling, and not just for second -best but for totally unsuitable. And more to the point you absolutely CANNOT "make this relationship work out". It takes two people to do that, and can you really say that he is going to try? When he prefers to "stir things up when I get settled and happy"?

CityTiliDie · 17/06/2013 07:15

Cornish, you say that apart from this txting problem you have a good relationship!!

REALLY?

he fucks with your mind, spends five nights a week in the pub, gets txts from a female less than half his age and spend lots of money that you need for other things on alcohol...... and you think this is a good relationship?

I'd hate to see your idea of a bad one.

He's taking the piss and you are enabling him.

You deserve much better than this twat.

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 17/06/2013 23:37

Points taken Whereyouleftit and Cititilidie, thank you. This is all about me mulling it over in my head and seeing it all clearer. Sometimes its hard to see "the wood from the trees". I suppose the time he spends in the pub kind of goes over my head, mainly because my dad was the same, and to me, its relatively normal. My step mum and my dad were married for 47 years, so she "hung in there". I know he's taking the p*, but I suppose what Im trying to do is get strong enough to keep him in line - now Im sounding controlling, which really isnt what I am. I suppose respect is what Im looking for......and I admit a part of me thinks "better the devil you know"?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/06/2013 23:58

Oh Cornish, you don't need to be strong enough to keep him in line; you need to be strong enough to kick him out of your life. He will never give you what you need - respect, support, contentment. Instead he offers only alcohol dependency, foolishness (/infidelity?) when given attention by a young woman and a tendency to hit the Cornishself-destruct button whenever you are happy.

You need to give the part of you that is muttering "better the devil you know" in your ear a stern talking to, because it is rubbish. It is settling for a devil, and while you might think you know that devil, devils have a very low boredom threshold. They need to ramp up their devilment to keep themselves entertained. Put up with this, and all you will get in return is to be expected to put up with more. Much more.

You sound so defeated. Have you ever heard the phrase 'learned helplessness'? It might be useful if you looked into it a little, because I am wondering if that is where your head is right now, seeing nothing beyond where you are now.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 18/06/2013 00:20

Not read all the thread but it sounds to me like he's an alcoholic (down the pub every night, spending money on drink) therefore, in my book, not good serious relationship material.

You could almost certainly do better - even being on your own would be an improvement to being in a relationship which is making you insecure and unhappy.

Id imagine the previous wives, if they were unfaithful, decided to find something else to do whilst he was out damaging his liver.

AgathaF · 18/06/2013 08:31

Why do you want to be strong enough to keep him in line? He should be committed enough to want to spend time with you, enjoying your company and not the local flirty barmaids.

As others have said, your relationship sounds lacking in a great deal - real affection from him, respect, support, companionship and planning a future together (he's spending all the money on drink). If you are still there in 5 or 10 years time, will you be happy with all of that?

Original poster

Cornishpasty2 · 25/08/2013 09:37

Sorry to dig up an "old chestnut" but we were on our way back from our hols yesterday and I had to answer a text cause he was driving. I noticed one from barmaid saying Hi its T, this is my new number! I deleted it. AIBU??

OP posts:

Mojavewonderer · 25/08/2013 10:55

So it's not ok to upset the barmaid but ok to upset you? On that alone I would kick the fucker out! Whether or not something untoward is going on is neither here nor there now because he's not respecting you or your wishes. You are not being unreasonable asking your husband to stop texting a silly barmaid who has no place in either of your lives.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7