Texts to DP from young barmaid!

[Cornishpasty2]

AIBU to be angry that my DP of 3 years regularly gets texts from a young barmaid at his local? He says Im crazy if I complain about it. I've given him ultimatums and we've even split up over it, but he wont tell her to stop texting him. Seem to enjoy the attention.
Advice and opinions needed Mumsnetters......

I think there sound like there are a lot of other issues begging for attention here.

I decided several years ago that life is too short to surround yourself with people who don't add something positive to your life, whether that be friendships or relationships. If someone is causing you more pain than joy, you should happily cut that fucker free.

Your husband is acting like an arse. He knows what caused your last marriage to fail. He knows this makes you uncomfortable.

I don't think there is an affair, but that's besides the point.

Chuck him. A man in his mid 50s is fun to flirt with when he's married. When they become available and want more, its not so much fun.

Tbh, I'm more concerned about the fact he called you a jealous cow! Nice. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard, they really aren't. Too many people seem to think it's acceptable or normal to deal with this shit but it isn't meant to be like that.

If it doesn't feel right chances are then that something isn't right. Especially if she doesn't talk to you and only has eyes for your Dh.
I'd probably announce loudly in the pub "Hey barmaid name, quit texting my Dh all the time, you are causing trouble, he's old enough to be your grandad you silly child" Then I'd be really embarrassed and blame it on the gin.

For those posters who are saying that the OP is being controlling over who her DH can see/text, it's clear to me the OP doesn't have any issues in general over who her DH sees, just this one.

It's no different to the other thread about the music teacher and the mum of a pupil, is it? In each case it's a friendship that's developing inappropriately.

"Your husband is acting like an arse. He knows what caused your last marriage to fail. He knows this makes you uncomfortable."

That's her issue, not his.

If there's nothing sexual/romantic going on, he's free to text who he pleases. You are equally free to dump him if you don't want it to happen.

Sorry I would not be happy with this. I was a barmaid from 18 and the only men I would have texted (also mainly older men) were ones I was interested in.

If I found out DH was getting texts from a barmaid and she was asking when he was going in etc and he was replying I would be very unhappy about that, we have no trust issues but that is beyond what I would consider normal behaviour. I really don't think it is petty and I would be hugely suspicious.

If you are in a relationship surely it should be about compromise, if one partner is unhappy about something then surely between you something can be worked out. I think it is inconsiderate to just do as you please knowing it upsets the other person.

A young woman texting a 54 YO man she only knows from the bar she works in is not normal IMO.

there's no such thing as a husband-stealer, only a husband who doesn't want to stay.

tell me..why do you have sex with a man who calls you a jealous cow?

She could be genuinely interested - DW had a couple of 'boyfriends' in their 50s when she was in her early 20s, she just liked older men, that's all. I'm 8 years older than her and she jokes that it's the smallest age gap of any relationship she's had. In other words - you're right to be concerned and should nip it on the bud.

Or even in the bud.

Maybe she's been offered some sort of incentive if she can up beer sales, and texting customers is her way to increase pub attendance?

I'd quite like to believe that 21-year-old girls fancy 54-year-old men though.

OP... if you say that "she only has eyes for him... and they're looking at each other when they think you're not watching", then yes, you should speak to your partner about this.

It's not unheard of that a young girl would like an older man; I always have, even as a young teen. So don't let their age differences lull you into a false sense of security.

It's the fact that you don't like it; what is your DP's response to that? If his self-esteem is on the low side, the attentions of a much younger girl could be intoxicating for him. You don't have to put up with this though. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel - sometimes it is exactly what it looks like.

Thanks again everyone for your comments, it really helps to get other points of view. I think DP does have a low self-esteem and is flattered as the last comment says. I'm reluctant to throw away the relationship over this as apart from this it's good. Just to update everyone, I'm currently quietly observing the situation, and if I get any concrete proof that somethings going on I will leave. I'm reluctant to have it out with him as it always ends in a row, as he can't (or won't) seem to see my point. LondonMan, that's an interesting point, but don't think she texts everyone, just him.

Yanbu, it's disrespectful to you to continue texting this girl. As your partner, he should be trying to make you happy, not hurt you. sounds to me, he cares more about the girls feelings than yours.

And going the pub 5 nights a week? that would NOT sit well with me, at all.

I'm going to quote you a couple of time here Cornish -

"Im sure he loves the attention, and he does seem to stir things up when I get settled and happy. It's as if he has a self-destruct button that he likes to press when Im happy. Maybe he just finds life boring and likes the drama? He tried to drag me into a card shop to buy her a birthday card once! He is certainly a huge flirt. Maybe Im just not enough for him?"

" I'm reluctant to throw away the relationship over this as apart from this it's good."

Now, to me, these don't match. Because your relationship cannot be good if he presses the self-destruct button every time you are happy. And that's without mentioning that he pisses your finances into the pub's till, and does so FIVE nights a week. Even in my twenties and at the centre of the social whirl I enjoyed for some of those years (ah, the eighties! ) I would only very rarely be out that often. But by the sound of it, this is pretty much every week. When you can't afford it.

As for his little affair-by-text - no, I would not be happy with it at all. I would view it as one of these three possibilities -

1. They are having an affair
2. They are on the cusp of having an affair
3. He is being taken for a ride by a young woman who finds it amusing how easy it is to have an old man drooling over her.

The first is a dealbreaker for me. The second would have me kicking him out until he came to his senses and offered up a grovelling apology (as opposed to saying "its normal and Im just a jealous cow"). The third would have me lose respect for him, and the marriage is probably doomed from then on anyway.

Cornish, he convinced you to come back to him on the grounds that you were being unreasonable. YOU WERE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. He got you back on false pretenses. He's not a keeper.

Yes you have a right to be upset. How many men do you text to ask them where they are etc? .
And I know some people will say "if people are just friends and there's nothing going on, its fine - its the texters other half that has the problem in not trusting them". However the bottom line is that if a person feels the need to text someone not his wife/partner then he is beginning to form an emotional bond with that person and if he can't stop - why can't he?
Even if he is not texting her as much as she is him - he should tell her to stop the messages. He could even change his number and not be "tricked" (yeah, right!) into giving her his new one. He has to work out who is more important to him.
My soon to be ex son in law worked out who was most important to him - for a long while he was texting/facebooking other women and he knew it upset his wife but wouldn't give it up , while protesting it was all innocent and nothing going on and why couldnt she trust him! It turned out that he's been having an affair (second time - she forgave him in exactly the same circumstances 3 years ago) and now because of his actions and the total breakdown in trust,she has chosen to divorce him and begin a life on her own with their 2 small children. What I'm trying to say is (and I know there are many people who disagree) is that facebooking/txting is often the beginning of relationship breakdowns because of the emotional attachments formed with others. Just because the barmaid is texting him and not actually knocking on his front door and asking him if he's coming out to play doesn't make it acceptable.

I've grown up with my parents running pubs and to me this is not normal.

In fact I don't think we've ever had a situation as you describe it.

I don't believe he was tricked into giving her his number but even if that is true, that's a good enough reason in itself for him to insist she deletes it and to not reply to her messages.

Of my experience, I've had two friends whose partners have been texting someone else and insisting it was all innocent and friendly and then been caught out in an affair with the person they were texting.

I'm not saying that means everyone is, or that your husband and this young woman are, but the bells rang for me when he started to call you names and said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Both of my friends partners said the same things to them and put their 'friend's' feelings above their partners feelings.

They both acted like the injured party before they were caught out.

All I can say to you is to trust your instincts. If this particular situation has you concerned them don't write yourself off as paranoid or jealous or controlling. In a good relationship you should be able to discuss something like this without resorting to ultimatums or being called a jealous cow by the man who is supposed to love you. You should be secure enough to not be concerned by an innocent friendship, if that's what it is, and he should value you enough to reassure you rather than call you names.

You have a point "Where you left it", see, my heads all over the place..... my instincts are screaming at me that somethings not right. I have to learn to listen to them I suppose. As for the barmaid, she's not the brightest of young ladies - he says he feels sorry for her cause she's from a broken home, say she looks on him as a father figure. I said she can look for a father elsewhere!
He plays mind games with me I think!

"He plays mind games with me I think."

^ This, in spades.

Others have reflected back to you examples you've given of things he's said and done that he knows are hurtful, but either doesn't care or perhaps is doing deliberately. Maybe he does have low self-esteem, but he appears to be trying to bolster his own by putting you down at every turn. These are not indicators of a loving, caring, considerate partner - a narcissist perhaps, but not a keeper.

I don't think your reaction, including the self-doubt and the, "am I losing my marbles?" feelings are at all unreasonable in the circumstances. I'm getting a sense that that is exactly what he WANTS you to do. He is manipulating you for his own ends.

Whatever the situation, this isn't one that's making you happy. You can do better than this.

Another barmaid in an 'old man pub' chipping in that I wouldn't be texting regulars unless I was passing info on, sorting out a day trip, they were going to help fix my computer etc etc. I can't think of a time I'd ever be texting on a regular basis like that, nor would anyone I work with. It's not usual behaviour- work is work.

I know you are right Kritiq, I'm getting stronger by the day. I know one day he will go too far and I'll snap, but my revenge will be in the element of surprise! He thinks he's fooling me, but he isn't as clever as he thinks - hell hath no fury and all that!

Cornish, you've mentioned your ex. What is your DP's relationship history? Has he been married/long-term relationship in the past? How did it/they end?

if a twenty one year old barmaid was texting your hubbys/partners how would you feel?
id be extremely pissed off myself!

cornish, it doesn't matter whether it is objectively innocent or not, what matters is that it makes you deeply uncomfortable and he is doing nothing about that. In fact, he is flaunting it in front of you.

I have male friends and am relaxed about male/female communication and friendships. But, DH is my priority and if I ever thought that it was making him uncomfortable I would absolutely change my behaviour. Especially if he told me it made him uncomfortable and especially if I knew of past hurts and insecurities related to it.

It sounds like your DP is on a bit of a power trip, likes the ego boost texting a young girl gives him and also enjoys the power it gives him over your emotions. There's no excuse for him deliberately prioritising his relationship with her when he knows it hurts you.

I am a 25 Year old waitress in a small folksy country pub. I have a couple of regulars on my facebook, but none of their numbers, I would not consider asking for them except if they as hamwidge said, wanted specific information. I don't really talk to them on facebook either, they occasionally comment on pictures of my son who they have met a few times, and I on theirs (one is a rather good photographer of local wildlife, another posts pictures from gigs in the pub, one does nice crafts, etc).

Since they are in the pub nearly every day, I don't need to ask when I will see them. Why would I need to talk to them inbetween... unless I was angling for something more

I did also at the age of about 21 working in a city pub wile at uni, have a relationship with a regular who was 34 and we were both single, there was very little texting there either he asked me out at the bar and we went on actual dates (the only man who ever took me on proper dates) and spoke in the pub as if nothing was going on. Just for another angle.

Can you just have a quiet word with her and ask her to leave it out? Without sounding like a jealous nutter? Honestly even if he has no interest, it does sound like she fancies him a bit. Doesn't she have friends to text for random conversation?