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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texts to DP from young barmaid!

161 replies

Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:04

AIBU to be angry that my DP of 3 years regularly gets texts from a young barmaid at his local? He says Im crazy if I complain about it. I've given him ultimatums and we've even split up over it, but he wont tell her to stop texting him. Seem to enjoy the attention.
Advice and opinions needed Mumsnetters......

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/06/2013 23:28

I don't believe the 'lost phone' story. He probably just have her his number because they get on well.

If all she does is ask him if he's coming in and tell him who's there, I really don't see the problem.

If it was a 21yr old barman I'm sure you'd see the texts for what they are...just chat with a friendly person.

pictish · 04/06/2013 23:29

The 'lost phone trick' story is bull though.

waltermittymissus · 04/06/2013 23:29

The sound innocent.

Why is he hiding them from you?

Why do you have a problem with them if they're just chit chat?

RhondaJean · 04/06/2013 23:30

Now I'm confused - thinking about what worra says if it was a male then yes no issue.

But...I think the issue here is, you have told him you are uncomfortable with the way they are communicating, you don't seem to have come on heavy and said stay away from that pub or anything, and rather than show respect and saying to her, this isn't appropriate because it upsets my wife, hs kept going but become secretive about it.

Isn't that a red flag???

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:30

Hamwidge, I suspect it's not normal. I did barwork when I was younger. Before mobiles, lol. He seems to enjoy the attention, sad old man!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/06/2013 23:31

And I have to say that if my DH gave me 'ultimatums' over something so average, we'd split up too.

It's very controlling...maybe that's why he's digging his heels in over this.

If he gives in now, what else will he have to do in the future?

RhondaJean · 04/06/2013 23:32

Mibbe I've been lurking too much on relationships lately worra? Confused

SteamPink · 04/06/2013 23:32

Er, I used to work in bars and I didn't texted old men or regulars. Weird.

SteamPink · 04/06/2013 23:32

*text

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2013 23:33

I don't think it's a red flag.

But controlling who your DH or DW chooses to be friendly with is very much a red flag to me.

If any of those texts were inappropriate I'd think differently...but none of them are. It's just chit chat.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2013 23:34

Maybe RJ but it's good for the OP to get all different POVs Grin

I have no idea why I think it's ok to shorten your name down to initials by they way....I don't do it to anyone else? Blush

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:38

Worra, Ive not seen many of them, Im not the sort who checks her DP's phone. I only know about the ones he shows me, maybe he's only showing me the innocent ones?

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 04/06/2013 23:38

Dunno. Some pubs have a very strong 'community' of regulars who are pub mates. I've known some arrange day trips etc. Does he go there very regularly and know lots of other people there? Does she send them to others?

So far it just sounds like they are pub mates and people of that age text all the time about nothing much. I suppose it is quite flattering to have young female mates when you're 54. I find it pleasing to have a few friends who are a good bit younger than me. I don't necessarily want to have sex with them.

eretrew · 04/06/2013 23:39

She is texting him to try and get him to come to the pub its hardly a big deal is it. I'd be inclined to treat any "ultimatium" over something so trivial with the contempt that it deserves.

BriansBrain · 04/06/2013 23:39

He is 54 and she is 21, I don't understand why she would want to text him and why he would want to reply.

He knows how op feels and I don't understand why the barmaid would want a friendship with a 54 year old regular in the pub she works in Confused

RhondaJean · 04/06/2013 23:39

I'm happy with RJ.

I am reading it slightly differently from you - she's not saying she's told him to stay away from the pub and not speak to the girl. She's saying the level of communication at home between them is upsetting her. I think there's a difference there - I'm a bit crap at this sometimes though!

I've seen a lot of threads on relationships about ea and they seem to start with the general chit chat but regularly.

If I knew the girl conducted her social life that way, and texted loads of people in the same manner, I would probably think differently though.

(sorry op I'm not being much help here I've got splinters in my backside)

WafflyVersatile · 04/06/2013 23:41

Maybe because she's not ageist? They have the pub in common, and in common with a few other regulars too. They will have injokes etc. So it's not like they have nothing in common. Maybe she sees it as customer relations. It's her job and it's good to have regulars you get on with. You might as well enjoy your job.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2013 23:42

is it definitely a 21 year old barmaid though...

RhondaJean · 04/06/2013 23:44

Op do you ever go to this pub?

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:45

Thanks RhondaJean, you seem to get my point. Ive explained to him Im not comfortable with the texts, my first husband had an affair with our babysitter which lead to the breakdown of our marriag, so its a sensitive subject, older man v younger girl. Ive not told him not to go to the pub. He goes there 5 nights a week.
I go with him sometimes.

OP posts:
BriansBrain · 04/06/2013 23:45

I wondered if it is defiantly a 21 year old bar maid.

The rest is rubbish, I've been a bar maid as well as many other customer relations role and never seen the need to gain the mobile numbers of customers.

Dedication to the role doesn't stretch that far!

pictish · 04/06/2013 23:48

Where I grew up, everyone palled about with everyone really. Like in the pub. It was locally yokelley, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you won't get it.
All in together. Honestly.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2013 23:48

I just cannot see what reasons a 21yo would have for texting a man almost old enough to be her grandfather.. I am not buying it at all.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:52

Me neither Squeakytoy, Im not trying to control him or tell him who he can text, just trying to get through to him that it makes me uneasy.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/06/2013 23:54

next time you are in the pub, chat to her.. if she is so innocently friendly with your husband, she will be honest and open with you..

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