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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texts to DP from young barmaid!

161 replies

Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:04

AIBU to be angry that my DP of 3 years regularly gets texts from a young barmaid at his local? He says Im crazy if I complain about it. I've given him ultimatums and we've even split up over it, but he wont tell her to stop texting him. Seem to enjoy the attention.
Advice and opinions needed Mumsnetters......

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 04/06/2013 23:57

I've found the red flag I was thinking of.

"he says I'm crazy if I complain about it"

^^THIS.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 04/06/2013 23:59

I do try to chat to her but she's only got eyes for him. She watches him a lot and I see them looking at each other when they think Im not looking. Sometimes I think Im going mad! Maybe I am.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 00:00

in that case, I would be making a few unannouced trips to the pub..

kitnkaboodle · 05/06/2013 00:01

YANBU. Ignore this at your peril. If your DP is being secretive at all about his communication with another woman, then it is a red flag. Especially if he's being defensive when questioned about it and trying to turn the guilt on to you. It's called projection! They may not be having an affair but they are each getting some sort of buzz from the communication and that is damaging to your relationship. If he won't stop it then I would query whether you want that sort of disrespect from a partner.

pictish · 05/06/2013 00:01

I'm not saying it isn't dodgy..it might be. But at the same time it might not. My dad gets nonsense texts off his niece's friends in their early 20s. They're all a bit daft, and my dad...the stupid old goat, loves the attention and texts crap back at them. He shows me.
It's pathetic and I cringe at him...but it's not sinister. These lassies drink in shit pubs with sad old gits like my dad.

Another pov...when I was in my teens we ended up at some great parties in older people's houses. Older hippies with tons of musical friends of all ages. The part of Scotland I come from is very folksy. Everyone drank with and socialised with everyone else. Age was not a factor. It still isn't for me. I had male friends in their 50s in my teens, never mind my early 20s. So did we all. I never slept with any of them btw. I didn't fancy them...they were old ffs!
People knew how to have a good time, and the like minded people all ended up at the same places. Like the same pub. That's how it was.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 05/06/2013 00:01

RhondaJean, so do you mean you think they are having a laugh at my expense? Am I being made a fool of? That's what scares me the most.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 05/06/2013 00:03

*But...I think the issue here is, you have told him you are uncomfortable with the way they are communicating, you don't seem to have come on heavy and said stay away from that pub or anything, and rather than show respect and saying to her, this isn't appropriate because it upsets my wife, hs kept going but become secretive about it.

Isn't that a red flag???*

Yes its a bloody huge red flag, for the person receiving the texts who is a grown adult who has not had any thing other than small talk with a member of the oppersit sex and is perfectly entitled to talk to who ever he wants.

If someone told me not to talk to someone else because they didn't want me to talk to men they would be told in no uncertain terms that I'm perfectly capable of managing my own conduct making sure my conversations are not inappropriate and attempting to manipulate me into not conversing with people is isolating and abusive.

Not doing something that upsets your partner if it would be perfectly reasonable to expect you to not do it is being a decent partner if its a unreasonable request because you have done nothing wrong nor do you intend to then its pandering and the person making the request is behaving badly.

pictish · 05/06/2013 00:03

If you've seen her giving him coy eyes, then that is different.

BriansBrain · 05/06/2013 00:04

My DH is 47 and goes to a local pub twice a week.

I would be very Hmm if the 21 year old barmaid started texting him.

There is no reason for it.

cafecito · 05/06/2013 00:04

Not normal. Not acceptable. I'm not jealous type at all, quite the opposite, but my EX was in his 50s and yes me in my 20s, and I am all things wonderful, but he would still form inappropriate relationships left right and centre including with a number of barmaids. I can think of 4, no - more actually, thinking way back, that this kind of thing happened with. He was always at the pub with them, texting, emailing, 'helping them out' etc. He also had an alcohol problem. I realise now he was doing it because he loved the attention, his ego loved being stroked by all these pretty young things, and he enjoyed belittling me in the process and deliberately making me unsettled. I was with him for years. He did the same with other young people. he hasn't changed, but I finally left him 18, 20 months or so ago. lucky escape.

cafecito · 05/06/2013 00:07

I am perfectly accommodating of someone having female friends etc etc etc. But this became much more important to my ex than me or DC. he'd be in the pub by 8.30 am Shock

different circs though, obviously, but ringing alarm bells for same types of behaviour. I don't advocate controlling someone and would never do that as have been controlled and it's horrendous. Just that he should have enough respect for you to want to make you feel secure.

pictish · 05/06/2013 00:11

And yes...calling you crazy for complaining isn't good. Even if it is all perfectly innocent, he doesn't seem much interested in reassuring you. He is rude.

RhondaJean · 05/06/2013 00:11

No I don't think they are having a laugh at your expense.

I suggest Reposting in relationships and seeing what types of responses you get there. I'm really struggling with this one - something doesn't feel right to me.

Maryz · 05/06/2013 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 05/06/2013 00:12

Im sure he loves the attention, and he does seem to stir things up when I get settled and happy. It's as if he has a self-destruct button that he likes to press when Im happy. Maybe he just finds life boring and likes the drama? He tried to drag me into a card shop to buy her a birthday card once! He is certainly a huge flirt. Maybe Im just not enough for him?

OP posts:
Hamwidge · 05/06/2013 00:15

I do have some of my customers phone numbers and I'm friends with some on FB. Mainly women but some of the men too. I have a lot of pub friends but they are just that.

If I speak to one of them outside of work its because they are joiner/plumber/whatever and I've got some work or I once text an older man some gig details he'd asked for. End of.

The only time I would take contact further is if I fancied someone. Then I would text chatty stuff more often etc etc. So based on my experience of every pub I've ever worked in, something is going on, one sided or not.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 05/06/2013 00:16

Maryz, we go out to to other pubs sometimes, but only maybe once a week. He prefers to go there. Do wonder why they text each other as he's there so often anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 05/06/2013 00:18

RhondaJean, youve hit the nail on the head, something doesnt feel right to me either. Wish I had the strength to leave him.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 05/06/2013 00:19

I'd be thinking it's odd, because I've worked in pubs before and I sure as hell didn't text any customers, not even regulars. God, I couldn't think of anything worse! Buuut, this was in a city, and it didn't have that folksy community feel Pictish is mentioning. So I guess it depends on the kind of pub.

I wouldn't be happy about 5 nights a week in the pub though, or him belittling my feelings over it either. I agree it sounds like he enjoys the attention of the younger woman, at the expense of your happiness. So while demanding he stops contacting her is controlling on your behalf, putting her feelings ahead of yours is shitty on his part.

squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 00:21

What sort of life did he have before you met him? You have only been together 3 years. If you are unhappy, (and it does sound like there is a lot more to this than just a text issue), then leave or tell him to leave.

Life is too short to be pissed about by someone.

Original poster
Cornishpasty2 · 05/06/2013 00:26

I get your point StuntGirl, on the fence or not, it's a balanced view, thanks. Im not happy about 5 nights in the pub, we never have much money. He puts it over the bar. Before anyone says it, I know Im a fool to stay with him. Thanks everyone, for your opinions. It really helps to have the views of others. Off to bed now, night MN's.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 00:27

Until recently worked in a pub and I wouldnt text a customer daily unless they were a proper friend (ie, one my partner at least knew about and hopefully was friends with too) and tbh I cant think why I would text them daily even then. I have been known to text customers about stuff like the PP above, jobs that are going, events on etc but nothing like this. I think her age is a red herring for what is clearly inappropriate behaviour.

Best case scenario? She doesnt get boundaries and he likes the attention but there is nothing in it. Worst case scenario is that they are having an affair. Most likely scenario, she has a massive crush on him and he is leading her on as he enjoys the flirtation, and it may well become physical at some point.

Asking him to pack it in is NBU at all, and the fact that he would rather upset you than her speaks volumes. In fact I would ask him why he would happily see you upset than ask her to stop texting.

I will probably get flamed for this but I would tell him that I was going to meet friends and wont be back to 11pm one night you know he will be in the pub. Wait an hour and then go in, saying your friend cancelled. Their reaction will be very telling, better still if you can do it without being seen straight away so you can see how they behave when you are not around.

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2013 00:28

You've fed a lot more into this thread now about your situation.

Had you added a bit more to your OP or even your 2nd/3rd posts, responses might have been different.

3 years isn't a long time and yet your relationship sounds pretty dead in the water.

Why does he go out so often?

squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 00:29

I would also go in on a night when he is there and she isnt working, and see what goes on.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 00:31

So he spends all your spare (and not so spare) cash in the pub, is playing flirtatious text tennis with the bar maid and questions your mental health when you object?

He better be fucking amazing in bed because he has sod all else going for him. Why are you putting up with this loser?

Would you be the one balancing the budget and stressing about money by any chance?