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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

370 replies

Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 13:51

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

Thanks
OP posts:
BrienneOfTarth · 07/06/2013 22:27

You are doing so brilliantly. Have a great weekend with your DD and best wishes for seeing the sol on Monday.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/06/2013 23:59

You don't even need to think about his contact at the moment and you certainly don't have to make any moves at all towards him having any.

Wait until his solisiter writes and asks you. He's not allowed to contact you so he can't approach you about it so he has to have a legal representative but until he gets one don't put the idea in his head.

The longer he leaves it the harder he will find it,but that is his doing not yours. I would be quite cautious kicking like he did as a very first assault is generally more snappy and out of control than the average slow less calculated controlled turn from emotion abuse to physical violence.

I would not want to do anything at all to encourage him to take any steps towards contact because that sort of impulse attack is quite indicative of someone who is more likely to be a risk to a child in the short term and whilst under stress. I would wait until I couldn't wait iykwim? That ball is probably best left in his court.

Sunnywithshowers · 08/06/2013 00:15

OP you are awesome. That is all :)

lisianthus · 08/06/2013 05:27

Another fan here, OP. Am Shock at all the massive twunts DV apologists who think you should put up with it. Your DD is so lucky to have you as a mother.

ZillionChocolate · 08/06/2013 09:52

You are doing a great job. If you refuse to co-operate, you will be summoned to court, if you don't turn up you'll be arrested and taken there. If you refuse to tell the truth you're at risk of serious criminal charges yourself. You didn't invite this, he holds all the responsibility for his actions.

Witness intimidation is also a serious offence. Maybe the police would give your mum a warning?

You need to try and get a harassment order through the criminal court. Whilst you can get one from the county court, it'll cost you more time and probably money given that you're working.

You need to start thinking about contact between dd and her dad. I don't think this incident, serious though it is, would prevent them from having contact. You could wait for him to ask, but is it in DD's best interests to have a very long gap without seeing her dad? I'd do some googling about local contact centre (where supervised contact can take place) and programmes for men who are violent (eg NSPCC's caring dads).

Stay strong!

GingerBlondecat · 08/06/2013 11:03

((((((((((((((warm Hugs)))))))))))))

pointythings · 08/06/2013 15:32

I am in utter awe of you, OP.

rockybalboa · 08/06/2013 15:43

YANBU. You poor thing. Hope you find a way through this.

Original poster
Ginshizz · 08/06/2013 16:13

Hello all and once again a big thank you.

I am naughtily logging on while I am meant to be working ...!

Today, I have found out that

  1. My parents told FIL that they felt I have overreacted and they are hoping my DB will talk me out of going ahead with the case (DB is not going to try to talk me out of it; as a barrister, he knows I can't get it dropped and, as someone who doesn't think it is entirely OK to kick me, he thinks STBXH deserves a criminal record because he committed A CRIME)
  2. They want to invite STBXH to stay with them. TO STAY WITH THEM.
  3. STBXH is going to apply to change his bail conditions so that he can see DD before the hearing

So I just wanted to come on here and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH before trying to get back to work despite my fury.

I will, needless to say, be trying to block STBXH from seeing DD until I feel I am ready to help support her through seeing him and then having him disappear again.

Right, if anyone sees me on here again before I have finished my work, please tell me off...

xxxxx

OP posts:
garlicgrump · 08/06/2013 16:45

Your parents want to pat your husband on the back, and feed him home-cooked food, for kicking you. That sounds like a reward :( Angry

Thank goodness you and your brother have more sense! AAARGH indeed!

EagleRiderDirk · 08/06/2013 16:51

Wow - you had a guy who drop kicked you arrested and you are over-reacting? Of all the toxic like parents on these threads I think they win some kind of award. I think you may need to sort a solicitor really quickly re DD.

Montybojangles · 08/06/2013 17:02

Wow, when I left my nasty (becoming violent) XH my parents were virtually skipping with joy. They certainly never invited him round for tea, never mind to stay. What on earth are your parents thinking??

Keep strong op, you're a legend. Thank god your DB is considerably more supportive. We are all behind you, so keep posting as and when you need support/encouragement/hugs :)

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/06/2013 17:03

Do you think, for your own sanity, that you should limit contact with your mum for a while?.

It's not a relationship that's going to enhance your life is it?

Original poster
Ginshizz · 08/06/2013 17:06
OP posts:
MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 17:13

Sounds like you need to bin your parents as well as your STBXH.

You DB on the other hand sounds like a gem! Keep him! Grin

You are doing amazingly well. You are such a strong person and because of your actions now, your DD will not put herself in the hands of a violent man. This would have been what you risked by staying with her Dad. She would have seen you being beaten, maybe been beaten herself by him and thought that was normal, so would have accepted violence in her relationships in the future. She will not now!

Ministrone · 08/06/2013 17:13

You're having a laugh now aren't you?

MammaTJ · 08/06/2013 17:14

Oh OP, that sounds like a great deal to me!! Go for it!!

EagleRiderDirk · 08/06/2013 17:17

gin sounds perfectly fair to me Wink

Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 17:24

OP i knew your mum might do something like this. I fucking knew it. As i said upthread mine is very victim blamey too.
When you have time and arent busy take a look at this site. It was set up as a campaign to change the victim blaming culture. It was only launched a few weeks ago and they have had lots of submissions already.
If i was in your situation i would be cutting my mum out of my life and DDs

God your post about your mums plans has made me Angry

everydayvictimblaming.com/view-most-recent-submissions/

Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 17:25

And i still think a visit from a police officer to talk to her about witness intimidation would do her the world of good.

Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 17:26

Your mum that is.

WireCat · 08/06/2013 17:26

Ginshizz, well done you xx

You are one strong lady.

Flowers
Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 17:27

Shock that your DB is a barrister who knows all ins and outs of the law and your bloody mother STILL wont be told.

Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 17:30

Gin i am in awe of you for your strength in this situation Thanks

hermioneweasley · 08/06/2013 17:36

Gin, you are fantastic. I am in awe of your strengths your determination to keep your DD safe, and your balanced perspective given all that is going on.

I'm another vote for stopping seeing your parents - they are not helping or contributing at all.

Well done - you are an inspiration!