To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

gin you are a wonder. You are taking this in too humour too which is phenomenal in itself.

I love the Buddhist punching the wife in the shoulder. I think you can get a real measure of that bloke in just those 2 sentances

Gin, I've just read your update and am bloody dumbstruck by your competence. You did more in ONE day than I manage in six months! (OK, I have me excuses but ... fuck me, you're really something.)

About your buddhist wife-beating "friend". Back in the days when the 'emotional abuse' long-running thread was the NPD long-running thread, we made many startling collective discoveries. One of them was that birds of a feather flock together ... original, huh?! But, really, we never had noticed before that loads of the men we knew were fuckwits of similar hue to our fuckwit exes. When you think about it, makes sense.

So do not fear It's not that three-quarters of men hit their women, it's that three-quarters of the men you know do! Soon as you're outta there and organised, you'll be putting a whole new life together. It'll feature people with significantly healthier values than the old lot. I'd find yourself a new mum, too, while you're at it.

Good woman.

Sadly though you'll now start to realise how many fuckwits both male and female there are out there.

And how common it is and how many people minimize it, it was pnly a slap, it was only a playful punch, I'd had a drink, she'd had a drink, she made me. . . . . . . .

Just remember that while you might find it more than you realised that its not normal, you're the norma (and very brave)one

Hello everyone,

Thank you again for all your thoughts and support, I can't say enough how much this is helping me get through all the crappiness.

First: no the "friend" who thought it's essentially fine to hit your wife depending on whether you were arguing about something silly or not will not be helping me!

I just wanted to stop in with a quick update on how we are doing (sorry -it's all about me AGAIN)!

I met our potential emergency cover nanny today who was amazing and I am now very confident that DD will be well looked after over the next few weeks while I am sorting out something less expensive more permanent. They got on like a house on fire and the nanny really got onto DD's wavelength and they both had a lovely giggle together. Obviously I am still feeling terrible about leaving her but I know that for now she will be with a committed and bubbly, well qualified lady in our own home.

Today's great comment came from my terrible mother. I was telling DF how I am looking at a nursery near to where I'll be working so DD will only be 10 mins or so away from me (which means I could see her for lunch, take her home early if I finish early and obviously I can get there fast if they need me to). I was feeling quite proud of myself for having located such a place and for having set up a visit. TM (terrible mother) overheard and said: "oh that will be too long a day for the little girl, she would be much better off with her father."

WTAF? My lovely, gentle, kindhearted, beautiful, trusting, wonderful DD would be better off with a violent drunk than in a stimulating, fun, well staffed nursery ten minutes away from me?

Oh, and she was also banging on in the background about dropping charges AGAIN.

It struck me as she was saying this that of all the people who have been kind enough to share their experiences of domestic violence with me, nobody has said "and I decided to give it another go with my husband / partner, and I'm so glad I did because we're now in a really happy, loving and respectful relationship that brings joy to my life on a daily basis and is a great role model for my DC."

And she wonders why I haven't asked them to come up and babysit...

Anyway, I am so sorry to waffle on about me again and then run but I have to go and start work.

Thank you all so much, I am so sorry I can't reply to you all individually, but you have all made a real difference and helped me stay strong,

xxxx

Well done for today, you really should be proud of yourself, for everything.

Your family sound like a horrible complication to an already terrible situation.

You're doing the right thing for your daughter. Thinking of you.xx

Great, positive, strong steps you're taking Gin

You're doing the right things, your mother isn't worth listening to- as you've figured out. Well done

So pleased you got a CM sorted Gin. Sorry about your mother though, she sounds a bit of an arse.

Oh, and she was also banging on in the background about dropping charges AGAIN
tell her to update her legal knowledge then, it is not up to you anymore.

Gin, you're fantastic!

Please please don't go back to him or leave your beautiful DD with him. My parents both had cousins who after a long history of DV were murdered by their husbands.

That might be something for your mother to consider.

well done Gin you are fantastic

it is surprising how much you can get done when you know you have to and you know

good luck and keep us updated and hopefully you shall move on from those that do not support you, your mother well some of us have crap parents its sad (my mum is similar told me that my ex was really harmed too this was after I had been concussed) i just do not look to her for support or advice

Well done for staying strong.

Y A N B U

I really hope my sister takes a leaf out of your book.

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

People hate change, they are also lazy and hate having to refile you, as you no longer fit in the box they put you in,

Lazy people don't bother to think, so when faced with a time consuming stressful ongoing situation, their first thought is what would make this all go away and I can get back to my nice beige life?

The first thing solution they reach, is Ginshizz should just drop it, then we can all get back to normal,

They are unwilling to put the effort into any type of empathy for you as that would make the inconvenient reasons that it is not possible for you to just drop the charges very apparent.

Your Husband is a very lucky man, He is lucky he didn't wake up and discover he had killed his wife,

He is lucky you are ending it as if he did kill you (in a drunken rage), his child, your child would have one dead parent and one in prison, he's lucky one person in the relationship is a grown up, and can make judgement calls.

If you have any doubts, imagine your DD phoning you and saying "Mum my husband just drop kicked me, what shall I do?"

You are setting an example to her, never let anyone treat you badly in anyway.

Good luck, I hope he grows up and stays away.

You deserve someone who adores you, he doesn't.

Oh and he is lucky he didn't wake up naked afloat in a boat, without oars.

You are allowed to "waffle on" about yourself on your own thread, you know

Well done on the fabulous nanny and the nearby nursery. Things really are slotting into place, aren't they? Long may that continue!

My terrible mother - she's not a terrible person, but deeply misguided as a mother - and I have had many long, difficult talks during the course of my therapy. One of the most ground-shifting realisations she's made is that she was wrong to urge my sister to stay with her H, who verbally and physically abused their kids from babyhood to leaving home (which they both have done now.) I'm not convinced sis would have left him, had Mum seen the light earlier - throughout the 20 years, I made sure sis had a key to my place and knew she'd be welcome with DC at any time. But sister was playing out the family script (as did I, only without DC to be abused) and, of course, our mother only knew the one script.

Just told the story by way of confirming that, no matter how much our mothers love us and how well-meaning they are, they can't see outside the emotional 'house' they've lived in all their lives and it's too much to ask as a rule. They cannot bear the implications of admitting they were wrong. (Mine was in bits.)

You have broken the pattern. Thanks to you, her amazing mother, your DD will never have to know what it's like to be trapped in a repeating cycle of violence. This is massive. Well done, you!

Your mother is an abuse apologist. if it were me i would now be having a word with the police and telling them she is trying to tamper with a witness/pervert the cause of justice.

So glad you've got the nanny and nursery sorted. Your daughter will be absolutely fine there. I have used both a nursery and a nanny and have two well adjusted and happy boys.

Your mum comes from a generation where women were expected to just take abuse, most had little power either financially or legally and so put up with a lot of crap and thus normalised it. YOU don't have to put up with it. YOU are a strong independent woman who does not want to be beaten in her own home nor have her daughter grow up in that environment. Good on you for taking action.

Keep strong and don't let people bring you down or make you doubt your own sanity - there are a lot of them out there!

I think you need to tell your Mum straight a few home truths:-

1. Ask her straight is she asking you to choose a violent drunk over an innocent baby? That's how it would be seen in the eyes of the law.

1. The authorities would not approve of you leaving the baby in your husband's unsupervised care at present and a life in foster care is not what YOU consider to be an acceptable future for your only child.

1. That she's talking to the wrong person about dropping the charges, as it's now totally out of your hands. If she's that determined to have the charges dropped she should toodle along to the police station and ask the to explain the law of the land to her in words of one syllable.

1. Tell her that at a time like this she should be busting a gut to support her grandchild's well being and that harassing you for stuff you can't help isn't the way to go about it. The baby's welfare comes top, left and centre in everyone else's eyes except hers and that's very upsetting for you.

1. Tell her you love her (& then be "busy" for a month while she mulls over what you've said).

One day at a time if that's what it takes and remember there are a lot of us here who will do our best to support you if you have a wibble.

The first one minute 22 seconds of this are what I listened to when DS was a babe & single parenthood/others people attitudes were in danger of dragging us down. I'd put it on my headphones as a pep talk if I felt I needed (You don't have to be religious to appreciate the message, not when you are holding a wonderful new life in your arms, my son is my little light).

definitely pusue charging him and keep up the good work - certainly dont listen to your mother.

accept tehy wont get it.
stand firm in your deicsions.
it is crucial you pursue the charges for when you do get onto discussions about contact. you need that police report etc. to ensure supervised access.

I am getting so angry on your behalf at these people.

I wish I could step into your body for an hour, ring them all up and ask them what level of violence they consider to be too much. Kicking you round the kitchen? Pulling you by the hair round the garden? Knocking your teeth out? Since clearly they feel that kicking you in the chest is something a loving wife accepts with gratitude. And furthermore, since a kick to the chest is no big deal, you will be coming round to give them all one and there's no need to thank you, you'll do it for love

I admire your strength. Never for a second doubt yourself.

You seriously need to kick some people out of your life though.

Well done on being so proactive with finding solutions for childcare.

One thing I will caution you about is be very very careful about leaving your dd unsupervised with your mum and any other family members who you know hold the same views,on thing I come across lots and lots ( weirdly especially from clients own mothers) are situations caused by someone who is baby sitting deciding that they know better than you and actively inviting the violent parent round for a visit whilst the child is in there care.

They excuse it by saying stuff like "he's her father" " your being unfair" "your over reacting" "he wouldn't do a thing to harm her" are all ones I've had repeated to me, so be mindful of this, people who excuse abuse a d violence are not trust worthy when it comes to sticking to your wishes.

Hi all,

Thank you again for all your posts - your support and advice is really helping me through this grim time.

sockpixie that is very interesting. My mother keeps saying how I shouldn't pay money for a nanny when she could look after DD but my instincts have pushed me away from that and I think you have just clarified why. I would really expect to come home to find STBXH and M having a nice little chat about what a bitch I am and DD to have been left to her own devices with only the dog looking after her. You are spot on about her thinking she knows best etc etc.

We had a nice day today; I took DD to a play group where she was by far the littlest but lots of the older ones came up and played with her on and off which she liked. I had a hard time not crying while we were there but I managed not to although at one point I did have to make a LOT of noise about how I had hayfever.

DD was also quite happy to play while I sat with her when we got home so i managed to work. I am therefore giving myself the evening off and a larg pizza!

I also made an appt to see a solicitor first thing on Monday morning. I need advice on what my options re things like asking for the exclusion order preventing STBXH from coming into the house to be extended beyond the hearing date. The solicitor said on the phone this is normally easy to do in cases of DV and that the court might impose an exclusion order anyway as part of the sentence.

I still have to think about access. All I know is that I don't want him to see DD alone. In the ideal world, I don't want him anywhere near her but I know that's not practical.

And the house ... I want it but I suspect I will have to accept that we are going to have to sell it and split the profits.

Anyway, I think that I am getting ahead of myself. I should probably concentrate on going away this weekend to stay with DB!

Right. A quick bit of housework and then I might even have a nice bath and an early night.

Thank you all again, you are all so very kind and making a big difference to me. I am sure I wouldn't be so together on day six of being a single working mum without you all

Xxxxxx

haven't read the whole thread yet but just wanted to say well done and stay strong.

I can't remember all the details but look up the matrimonial homes act

I agree with Sock I was going to post the same thing.

have a wonderful weekend with your DB - you are an amazing woman and a fantastic mother!