Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

370 replies

Ginshizz · 04/06/2013 13:51

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

Thanks
OP posts:
LayMizzRarb · 05/06/2013 13:33

I have been in a similar situation, and know how hard it is to take that first step to walk away. Over the next few months you may even look back and be tempted to linger. Keep walking. The further away from this dreadful life you get the more you will see how you did the right thing. And you will be showing DD how she can be the person she wants to be, how she can grow up to be a happy and strong person.

You should be very proud of yourself that you have done right by yourself and your daughter xx

Smudging · 05/06/2013 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asheth · 05/06/2013 13:47

Late to this thread - but just wanted to say well done for not listening to all the 'family' and 'friends' who were telling you it's not so bad. So what if he didn't break a rib? He could have done and if you had stayed with him another time perhaps he would or worse.

Good luck! I think now your and your DDs lives are going to be much better. You have done the nest thing for both of you.

k2togm1 · 05/06/2013 13:52

Adding my cheering to your thread. You are wonderful, well done. Thanks

aldiwhore · 05/06/2013 14:53

Gin, well done, I can only echo everyone else.

I read your title and wasn't sure what my stance would be, I CAN imagine some circumstances, which would revolve mostly around an otherwise fantastic marriage, where if it were my DH I'd drop charges, and attempt to rebuild. I still can imagine those circumstances.

But they are not yours. I am sorry you've been through this, not just the incident, but the unhappiness, the effort of salvaging something that could go either way, the 'crunch' coming and it being such a negative 'no coming back from' outcome. I applaid your bravery.

Sometimes the answers present themselves very clearly, I'm sure you must have been through months (pre-incident) of wondering if the marriage was worth the effort, wondering what future to choose, sometimes the answers will present themselves and you heed them. You have, I salute you!

It's very sad that he's done this to himself, never feel guilty, he did this himself and you don't have to hate him, just remain confident that you have done the right thing for you and your family. Hopefully you can even forgive him one day, pity him even, but that doesn't mean you have to 'love' him again, for give him another chance. He blew it. It may sound strange, but I forgive my ex and pity him, and if we had children and contact I think I wouldn't hate him, but there would never be any going back.

I sincerely wish you a brighter future, you have my respect.

Itchywoolyjumper · 05/06/2013 14:59

I'm an other one cheering you on. You are amazing Flowers

Inertia · 05/06/2013 16:29

You are awesome - you have done absolutely the right thing and should never allow others to make you doubt yourself. And your comment about the opposite of divorce is absolutely spot on.

Original poster
Ginshizz · 05/06/2013 21:13

Hi all and thank you once again for your support.

I am sorry I haven't posted so far today - it has been crazy. I was up working at four, went to a music group with DD and, here are the bits that made me proud:

  • worked out how to put up a sun tent in the garden so DD and I could play outside this afternoon
  • sorted emergency childcare for next week for the days I have to go into the office
  • found and arranged a visit to a nursery right by my new client's office so DD will only be 10 mins away when I'm working (if I like the place, obvs)
  • realised that STBXH's whining about how hard it was to put out the bins is utter shit. Do you know what I did? I took the full bin bags out to the wheelie bin, and then I put fresh bin bags in the bin. It wasn't that challenging
  • got a recommendation about a good divorce lawyer
  • made sure DD, DDog and Dcat all had lots of cuddles
  • cleaned the kitchen while I was cooking dinner
  • finished one of three presentations I am writing

I also had yet another great comment from a mutual friend (he was asking if he could help around the house rather than calling specifically to talk about the case). He said he was surprised that the CPS had gone ahead with the prosecution because "it was only an argument over drinking which is a really silly thing to argue about; and when I punched my ex wife in the shoulder, the police didn't even charge me"

First: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? How many wife beaters do I know without realising it? Seriously I am so sad that it appears this kind of violence is so common. Also, this dude is a Buddhist!

Second: how is he missing the point that it's not the relative importance of what caused arguments that determines who is prosecuted, but how they deal with the argument? So is it ok to knife someone as long as it was over who should empty the dishwasher but not if it was about high brow literature????

I am so surprised by some people's reactions.

I just want to say again how much I appreciate all your posts. I haven't seen anyone today other than the mums in the music group so it's been so reassuring and fabulous to read all your posts, I can't thank you enough xxx

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 05/06/2013 21:21

Wow OP, you are amazing. Good on ya!

Tonnes of positive vibes and good luck heading your way.

WilsonFrickett · 05/06/2013 21:49

Erm, you're not going to let that mutual friend help you out, are you?

Apart from that, sounds like you have had a really productive day. Keep moving forward amazinggin! (I have renamed you in my head Grin)

MrsOakenshield · 05/06/2013 21:53

You are amazing. Just. Amazing.

YoniBottsBumgina · 05/06/2013 22:08

OP you are fucking fantastic!

SirBoobAlot · 05/06/2013 22:10

OP you are utterly amazing. Well done you. And tell 'friend' to go to fuckery.

IKnowWhat · 05/06/2013 22:18

OP you sound like an amazing woman. I am sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

Hawkmoon269 · 05/06/2013 22:23

Op, you are awesome. And you have the best name too! Smile

Phoebe47 · 05/06/2013 22:48

Well done you. And get rid of your other friend as he sounds a right t*t. Wishing you well for the future and a great life with dd.

5madthings · 05/06/2013 22:50

You sound amazing, well done op.

I assume your 'friend' will not be a friend any longer?!

Moxiegirl · 05/06/2013 22:50

All the best for your future Smile

Molly333 · 05/06/2013 22:59

Well I can answer that only too well, my ex husband of 12 yrs came in as drunk as that , pretty much did the same - the result being a massive assault where u had so much damage I lost my eyesight for three weeks ( punched in head) . My daughter woke up at the time !!! It only takes once and u cd be dead

McNewPants2013 · 05/06/2013 23:03

you are one amazing women.

It time like this you know who your real friends are

Ilovemyself · 05/06/2013 23:11

And from a male perspective - I hope he gets sent down. They don't like woman beaters inside.

Good on you to stand up to him. I would also say the same in the unusual event of a man being battered by his wife. There is never any reason for violence - especially to the one you supposedly love.

And for those that say drop the charges ignore them.

I hope other people are inspired by your story.

BrienneOfTarth · 05/06/2013 23:18

You are amazing OP! I'm so glad you are doing so well, so quickly, at cutting this git out of your life. You are SO doing the right thing, and don't let anyone else tell you different. Anyone who says you should have put up with his violence is not your friend.

QuintessentialOldDear · 05/06/2013 23:22

You ROCK!

RoomForASmallOne · 05/06/2013 23:28

OP...you sound great Grin

People like you change attitudes.
It is shit what happened to you but the more of us who refuse to accept such treatment and follow through with charges, not accepting violence will become the 'norm'.

LizzieVereker · 05/06/2013 23:58

Y Thanks A Thanks N Thanks B Thanks U Thanks

I'm sorry that you had to go through this to learn what an amazing woman you are, and I hope you are OK.

You are amazing x