Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this has been done on purpose to copy and annoy me?

114 replies

ariane5 · 02/06/2013 15:44

I got married last year. We have 4 dcs and very little money so had a cheap registry office wedding, no reception just some food/drink at our house afterwards.

Cake was cheapest m+s one, dcs bridesmaid/pageboy outfits were cheapest we could get from next, we had no honeymoon and rings were from argos (cheap ones for both of us). Bouquet was made from tescos cream roses and forget me nots from the garden.

A few months before we had booked our wedding for a church we had chosen near where we live (where dcs were baptised and I used to go a lot), had met with the vicar etc and planned a lot of it but we had to postpone/cancel due to my health problems, unexpected pregnancy and lack of money. I was really really sad but we just couldn't have afforded it.
My family all knew about our plans, dsis actually said she was pleased as she does not believe in God and doesn't like churches/would never go to church herself. This has always been her view.

Fast forward to now and dsis will be getting married in the church we had wanted because even though she has admitted "I don't believe in all that but its such a lovely posh church" I am so hurt. She even said that she "probably won't have to worry about the cost" as she thinks if she starts going regularly she will be able to "get the vicar on side and get it for free" as she is disabled (she has epilepsy).

She doesn't believe in God so why a church? Her dp is catholic (church she chose is c of e) and he would have preferred 'his' church he attends but dsis doesn't "like the area" its in.

I really don't think I will be able to go.I will be too upset as my wedding was tbh a bit crap. I love dh but we had NOTHING as couldn't afford it and I'd have loved to have had a bit 'more'.

I'm probably just being jealous but she does a lot to copy me in other aspects of life too and always has and the whole wedding thing is just a bit too much.

AIBU to feel put out like this ?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 15:49

I can think of various reasons why I might be a bit judgy of someone getting married in church while simultaneously mouthing off about not believing 'all that', but I can't see how it's possibly been done to spite you.

It is sad you feel you had a tough wedding but I think you're reading into it a bit much - and I think she's highly unlikely to get the vicar wound around her finger for any reason. IME vicars tend to care more about whether you're taking the piss out of their religious beliefs than anything else.

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 15:50

I think yabu, probably understandably as it must have been very disappointing, but the first thing I thought when reading halfway through is that I bet its a lovely church.

Plus maybe I'm naive or too much of an optimist, but I just can't see why she would specifically organise that quite large aspect of her wedding just to annoy you.

I think she could justifiably be accused of being insensitive or tactless but doing this just to annoy you sounds a bit paranoid. She's your sister can't you just put it aside and be happy for her.

ruledbyheart · 02/06/2013 15:50

Yabu its her wedding she can have what she wants very much doubt she has even considered your wedding in comparison.

You could have waited and saved for your wedding instead of having a wedding which was "a bit crap" At the end of the day a wedding should be about the marriage not the whole big look at how much money I have to splash out.

Jengnr · 02/06/2013 15:50

No you're not but you should go.

Are you in a better financial situation now? Could you have a blessing to give you the wedding you wanted?

VinegarDrinker · 02/06/2013 15:50

I am surprised the Church was the expensive bit that you had to cancel, most Vicars ask for a suggested donation only IME especially if you are a churchgoer. Presumably you both live in the parish? Otherwise how has she persuaded the vicar to marry them?

If you really think she would start going to Church every Sunday just to get married in "your" Church to annoy you, then there must be a lot more back story to this.

I think getting married in Church when you don't believe in it is ridiculous but I think you would be BU to refuse to go.

louschmoo · 02/06/2013 15:51

No, I would probably be a bit put out too. Your sister sounds rather self-absorbed. But i doubt she's done it to hurt you - more likely that she just isn't very good at thinking of original ideas.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 15:53

vinegar, fees table in this link suggests they might charge rather a lot!

www.churchofengland.org/weddings-baptisms-funerals/fees.aspx

My vicar waived the fee for us, but they're not obliged to and he generally doesn't (only did for us because someone messed up and it wasn't our fault).

Upwards of 300 quid is a lot.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 15:55

She has copied so much that I just feel she has done it to annoy me...

I met dh when he worked in a shop, we went on our first date on 6 june to a pub.

Last year dsis asked her dp out-she met him working in the same row of shops and she arranged their first date in the same pub. I can't help it thinking that she is copying and I don't know why Sad

I had been getting on so much better with her lately but it just seems like another weird thing she has done that I have to deal with.

OP posts:
AndHarry · 02/06/2013 15:56

I can see why you're upset and TBH I'm so often left open-mouthed at the depths people will sink to that I'm not going to say it's impossible that she is 'copying' your idea. I think though that the more likely scenario is that she knew your plans, really liked them, thought the church was lovely and has persuaded herself that you won't mind.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 15:57

Forgot to add that their first date was also 6 june Sad

OP posts:
VinegarDrinker · 02/06/2013 15:57

Eek yes that is steep, my Mum's church definitely don't charge that (she's a vicar). Tbh though I don't really understand why you'd want to get married in Church if you don't attend it anyway but that's a whole other thread!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 15:57
Confused

Sorry, but come on - meeting her DP in the same set of shops as you? You cannot possibly seriously believe that is 'copying' you. It's a coincidence.

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 15:59

But you've had your wedding, it was what it was, I'm sure you enjoyed the day.

How is being annoyed that your sister is having the wedding you wanted or a nicer wedding than yours going to help anyone? Surely its just unnecessary bad feeling about what should be lovely celebration for the family.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 15:59

vinegar - rather to my surprise, when I googled, I did come across a site calling it a 'required legal fee'. www.yourchurchwedding.org/your-wedding/the-cost-of-church-weddings.aspx

I don't know if that means that the church itself has to swallow the cost if they waive the fee, or what? Feeling a bit guilty now as DH and I made a donation to my church that we thought was reasonably generous, but possibly wasn't.

Anyway, I think it's very unlikely the vicar won't notice it, if her attitude really is like the OP says - I imagine they have plenty of experience of people who are putting down the Church in public while also wanting to get married in one.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:02

And then arranging their first date on the same day in the same pub? Its not a coincidence.

Last week she came to my house-asked what shade paint my kitchen was as she wants the same and asked where my plates/bowls/cups were from as she wants to buy the same.

I am struggling with it. I want a better relationship with her but it really seems like she's copying everything.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 16:05

Really?

I can't see the issue with it. It's a pub. People go there.

I'm stunned you can remember something as unimportant as where your sister went for her first date, TBH.

Likewise, asking someone about paint colours/crockery is typically something flattering that people do. It's nice. It might irritate you a little bit but what possible harm can it do?

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 16:11

I'm sorry but this all sounds insignificant and petty.

One of my sisters one dated my BIL, what would you make of that, she was trying to copy my marriage?

I buy lots of things my siblings and ILs have, go to lots of the same places, its like a trusted recommendation, and sometimes they just have nice stuff, it doesn't mean anything.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:13

Its not just the odd thing here or there, it used to happen a fair bit when we were growing up but lately it has been constant.

I only remember the date thing as its their 1 year anniv next week and she's making such a fuss about it I just want to tell her to shut up.

I remember the first time when I was a teenager and had got a new pair of denim shorts and a vest, got ready and as we were about to leave dsis had a meltdown as wanted the same outfit. Dm cut her jeans for her and she put on a vest. I was mortified at dressing the same as my little sister so got changed. She screamed, dm forced me to change back. It has just been recently she's been copying so much.

I don't know what to say to her. I do want to get on with her but she's making things awkward. I know for certain I won't be able to go to her wedding though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:16

It might sound insignificant and petty to some but I grew up in her shadow and have tried to have my own interests/style/life but she insists on imitating so much of what I have/what I do.

She was always adamant she would get married in a 'venue'-never a church.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 16:17

You're seriously considering not going to your sister's wedding because she is 'making things awkward'? And you're still sore because when you were teenagers she copied your clothes and had a tantrum?

Dear lord, isn't that what teenagers do? They're annoying and copy-cattish and siblings fight.

I'm sorry, but you do sound absurdly hung up and I feel a bit sorry for your poor sister - either she is copying you, in which case it sounds as if she is clumsily looking up to you, even if it is annoying for you - or she is not copying you, it's all in your head, and she'll be utterly bemused why you'd miss something this important.

MrsBungle · 02/06/2013 16:18

Tbh you sound a bit jealous but I can understand your disappointment. You can't not go to the wedding, you'll look silly if you don't go because you think she's copying you.

By the way your bouquet of white roses and forget-me-knots sounds beautiful.

squeakytoy · 02/06/2013 16:19

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"

would you rather she said everything you did was crap and she could do so much better??

Bitterness, jealousy and pettyness is not going to get you anywhere.

lollilou · 02/06/2013 16:20

Suggested donations really, I had to pay £450 for mine Sad

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:21

There's a lot to it, it is most certainly not in my head unfortunately Sad it is all her.

It is all quite upsetting but I suggest if you really need the background then do an advanced search and read my other threads about my family. It hasn't been a good few yearsSad

OP posts:
Bobyan · 02/06/2013 16:21

Thinking back to your other threads I think you know you need to take a step back from your relationship with her.
Is she still having the "fits" you weren't sure about? Are still caring for her as well?
Regardless of whether she is copying you or not you need to get to the point where you don't care...

Swipe left for the next trending thread