To think this has been done on purpose to copy and annoy me?

[ariane5]

I got married last year. We have 4 dcs and very little money so had a cheap registry office wedding, no reception just some food/drink at our house afterwards.

Cake was cheapest m+s one, dcs bridesmaid/pageboy outfits were cheapest we could get from next, we had no honeymoon and rings were from argos (cheap ones for both of us). Bouquet was made from tescos cream roses and forget me nots from the garden.

A few months before we had booked our wedding for a church we had chosen near where we live (where dcs were baptised and I used to go a lot), had met with the vicar etc and planned a lot of it but we had to postpone/cancel due to my health problems, unexpected pregnancy and lack of money. I was really really sad but we just couldn't have afforded it.
My family all knew about our plans, dsis actually said she was pleased as she does not believe in God and doesn't like churches/would never go to church herself. This has always been her view.

Fast forward to now and dsis will be getting married in the church we had wanted because even though she has admitted "I don't believe in all that but its such a lovely posh church" I am so hurt. She even said that she "probably won't have to worry about the cost" as she thinks if she starts going regularly she will be able to "get the vicar on side and get it for free" as she is disabled (she has epilepsy).

She doesn't believe in God so why a church? Her dp is catholic (church she chose is c of e) and he would have preferred 'his' church he attends but dsis doesn't "like the area" its in.

I really don't think I will be able to go.I will be too upset as my wedding was tbh a bit crap. I love dh but we had NOTHING as couldn't afford it and I'd have loved to have had a bit 'more'.

I'm probably just being jealous but she does a lot to copy me in other aspects of life too and always has and the whole wedding thing is just a bit too much.

AIBU to feel put out like this ?

We had an inexpensive wedding and couldn't afford a honeymoon. But we are still happily married nearly 32 years later. Please don't dwell on your wedding day. It is only one day of your life.

You don't sound like an idiot, OP. You sound sad, and confused, and frustrated.

I believe that the sister blatantly uses her epilepsy to manipulate people around her to get what she wants. Eg, the jewellery, the house all being left to her. And the OP's mother is enabling her by constantly giving in. (I've read the other threads.)

OP has 4 DCs, some or all have some form of disability needing constant care. Yet the OP is expected to also help "look after" the sister. Worse, in one thread it was clear the sister wants a baby and expects the OP to be available on tap to help with the baby also.

OP, TBH I'd serious think whether you actually need these people in your life. I'd guess your sister would finally have to help herself if you're not around to do things.

Yes, I think growing up I was a 'non person' I am one of 3. Our parents detested each other for years before their divorce. DB was my dads, dsis was my mums. I was sort of left out as never wanted to take sides but db and dsis did and benefitted from it greatly it was almost a competition between our parents.

Db would get comments like "don't worry son your mother hates you because you're a boy" and would be given money/sweets all the time and dsis would be with my mum 24/7 even sleeping in bed with her.

I used to just keep out of the way.

I do need to get past all this. Hate it that all these years later it upsets me so much.

Db moved away. I can see why he did. He says he loves dsis as she's his little sister but he doesn't like her. His wife can't stand her as she says she looks down on her so I know I'm not alone but its so hard and such a suffocating and toxic way to live.

Really really need to just not care about it.its so hard.

Do you really need/want them in your life at all? I can see it's hard to let go if the wounds are repeatedly being reopened because you have to deal with them all the time.

You did not have the support you needed growing up - it's not your fault.

Perhaps some counselling may help?

Thankyou mrsdevere you are right.

I really need to get past all this. I'm not enjoying life as feel so downtrodden and wrapped up in jealousy/bitterness and living in the past.

For dcs sake I need to cheer up and stop dwelling on it.they have enough problems and don't need a miserable mother as well.

Also, being continuously exposed to the dysfunction that appears to be rife in your family is not helping you at all.

I agree with the other posters who have said you need to take a step back. Your wellbeing and your family are more important things to consider here.

I re

I just don't want dcs to grow up with a mother who is constantly unhappy/preoccupied/crying/arguing with family members.

They have a hard time as it is, I want them to be happy and to grow up in a happy home.

I don't know where to begin with my life. I want things to be uncomplicated.

Distance yourself from them . You have a family unit and that can be self contained . You cannot make them become what they are not.

MrsDevere has it spot on - don't take responsibility for someone else's crap - it is such a soul destroying and draining thing to do and you'll never be thanked for it.

Stop berating yourself, get some understanding on what's been happening so you can make sense of it if you're of that mind-set (I need to understand things to be able to let go of them)

You're doing better than you think you are.

Aaaargh, I get angry and frustrated on your behalf reading your threads. You sound lovely and one of life's carers, you must not spread yourself too thinly there is only one of you to go round, and all of you should be going to your immediate family.
It sounds like your sister has enough people to care for her, what with her fiance and your mother, and you could distance yourself without feeling guilt.
Please try to untangle yourself from this toxic mess before your health suffers any more than it has already. Strength.

Try again...

I remember some of your other threads. Honestly, I think the best thing you could do for your DC is to get as FAQ away from your mum and sister as possible, in physical and emotional terms. At some point people have to earn family relationships.

I agree with those saying distance yourself from them.

You blame your sister, but it seems as if your mum is as bad for pandering to her tbh.

Re the wedding-is it a local church?

If so, why shouldn't she use it?

And it's not her fault that you had to cancel the church because you couldn't afford it.

I would like to echo the words of others... distance yourself and your family now! As someone who has cut off a grandmother who I considered toxic and a brother who is extremely self absorbed - I'd like to tell you it is possible and you will be happier when you have done it.

You don't need her, its not as if you could ever rely on her if you needed help anyway. So what have you got to lose? She sounds so terrible I would consider moving if I were you just to keep your children away from her. Refusing to go to the wedding would probably make her disown you anyway.

If you do decide to go, I would check her expectations of wedding wear. It sounds like you could foot an amazingly large bill if she wants you to pay for clothes for the wedding party without a say in it. I would get in the condition before it is too late that you get some say in it. My 2yo DD and 22yo DSis were my bridesmaids and both of their outfits cost approximately £90 each. So 5 of them, that's one hell of a wedding present!

Yes, its local but the one she always 'hated' and never ever wanted to set foot in especially when I was getting dcs baptised as she didn't believe in "any of that"

Her choice though I suppose. Perhaps she does believe now in one way or another.

Well there is one person she won't be able to get her own way with and that's the vicar

I'm aware of your family situations from other threads and your family are awful, thoroughly toxic and they are pulling you down with them. I understand that you want to maintain a relationship but the problem is here you are dealing with your sister as you would like her to be (kind, friendly, loving) and not how she is (a poisonous spoilt brat...and that's me being kind). No-one would blame you if you cut them out of your lives

If you don't feel able to do that then you need to put someboundaries in place to minimise their influence on you and your family. Think of all energy you waste on them and how much they you. wouldn't it be great not having that to deal with? And knowing your family circs you need to keep those reserves topped up!

You may feel conflicted and guilty for a time but soon you will realise how great it is not having to deal with with all that poison and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

NB by your family in then first para I mean the family you were bought up in and not your family unit now - apologies for any confusion.

Please open your eyes and see the unbalanced dynamic going on around you.

Walk away from them, your Mum AND her Golden Child.

Yeah, it's hard, but better in the long run. You will never have the mother or sister you wish you had. Neither will I.

It hurts like nothing else on earth doesn't it. But THEY did it.

You can be my sister if you like? :)