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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this has been done on purpose to copy and annoy me?

114 replies

ariane5 · 02/06/2013 15:44

I got married last year. We have 4 dcs and very little money so had a cheap registry office wedding, no reception just some food/drink at our house afterwards.

Cake was cheapest m+s one, dcs bridesmaid/pageboy outfits were cheapest we could get from next, we had no honeymoon and rings were from argos (cheap ones for both of us). Bouquet was made from tescos cream roses and forget me nots from the garden.

A few months before we had booked our wedding for a church we had chosen near where we live (where dcs were baptised and I used to go a lot), had met with the vicar etc and planned a lot of it but we had to postpone/cancel due to my health problems, unexpected pregnancy and lack of money. I was really really sad but we just couldn't have afforded it.
My family all knew about our plans, dsis actually said she was pleased as she does not believe in God and doesn't like churches/would never go to church herself. This has always been her view.

Fast forward to now and dsis will be getting married in the church we had wanted because even though she has admitted "I don't believe in all that but its such a lovely posh church" I am so hurt. She even said that she "probably won't have to worry about the cost" as she thinks if she starts going regularly she will be able to "get the vicar on side and get it for free" as she is disabled (she has epilepsy).

She doesn't believe in God so why a church? Her dp is catholic (church she chose is c of e) and he would have preferred 'his' church he attends but dsis doesn't "like the area" its in.

I really don't think I will be able to go.I will be too upset as my wedding was tbh a bit crap. I love dh but we had NOTHING as couldn't afford it and I'd have loved to have had a bit 'more'.

I'm probably just being jealous but she does a lot to copy me in other aspects of life too and always has and the whole wedding thing is just a bit too much.

AIBU to feel put out like this ?

OP posts:
anonacfr · 02/06/2013 16:24

YANBU. I'd be annoyed too.
Btw I'm a bit surprised he's allowed to get married in a C of E church. I'd always heard that Catholics had to get married in their own churches.

anonacfr · 02/06/2013 16:26

Squeaky it migh be the sincerest form of flattery but it is also the most annoying. Grin

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:28

No I do not care for her anymore-I couldn't after all the 'incidents' and it was too much for me.

I had distanced myself for a while then tried to rebuild the relationship which was going well but the whole copying things has got a bit much.
I was ok with a lot of it, it was mildly irritating but now thw wedding is all a bit much.

Maybe I am being jealous but that's how I've felt my whole life as dm treats her so differently. I don't know how to get past it.

OP posts:
SixPackWellies · 02/06/2013 16:28

on the subject of her getting the vicar to waive the fees, that would be fairly unusual, as the church still has to pay the Diocese the appropriate wedding fees, so the church would be out of pocket. That would mean the agreement of a whole bunch of people such as the PCC, and unless there are extenuating and pretty persuasive circumstances, then I cannot see that happening on what would amount to an ad hoc basis.

Don't know the story behind this, but you sound hurt and as if there is alot going on behind the scenes.

SixPackWellies · 02/06/2013 16:30

Alsom the church has to pay fees to the organist, the vergers, the women who do the flowers and the choir, if these all happen, plus heating and electiciry bills, so it would be a stretch to think that might happen 'just because'.

Just saying, to put your mind at rest on this issue at least.

ilovesooty · 02/06/2013 16:31

It's not really about the wedding is it? You seemingly have some deep seated issues with your sister that weill continue to make you unhappy unless you take some steps to address them.

Bananapickle · 02/06/2013 16:31

A church won't 'swallow' all the fees as there will be a part that has to be paid to the diocese. If a church chooses to charge extra for things like a person to open, close and generally be available or electricity etc then they may waive these but I can't see that happening even for a person who goes regularly.
We got married in the church where my DH works and we had to pay the legal stuff but as a gift to us they didn't charge us anything else, but that really was exceptional circumstances.
YABU as it's her choice, although I don't understand why people want to make promises to a God they don't believe in, and it sounds like you had a lovely day and ultimately the wedding isn't the main point, the marriage is.
Also as a side it doesn't matter that he's catholic getting married in a c of e, it would matter if it was the other way round.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 16:32

Well, I did as you said and searched, but it's crowded out with the threads where you're fed up with your DH and your MIL and your SIL's wedding and your DH's family, and, and ...

Honestly, I get that something is bugging you but give your poor sister a break.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:34

I am hurt. I know I sound bitter but I have always been made to feel second best.

I want desperately to have a proper relationship with her, she is my sister but every time we make progress something happens and I wonder if its worth bothering with her.she can be lovely, kind and nice to dcs and then at other times she is the most vile, vindictive person and unkind to me and dcs. I can't work her out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:38

Ok there are a lot of threads so I will put it here (its upsetting to go over it)

Dsis got me and 2 young dcs thrown out of our home (I lived with her and dm) in the middle of the night after she had caused a huge row by being foully rude about my dcs disabilities.
I had to recently care for her due to her epilepsy and was run ragged by her and a lot of the episodes were not genuine.

She has caused so many problems and will even be getting dm house and money left solely to her one day and she gloats.

She has been absolutely horrible 99% of the time and treated me like rubbish.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 16:39

Ok, I get it. I'm sorry you're hurt.

But look - there is some truth in that trite saying that no-one can make you feel second best. You're dwelling on this stuff. To most of us, it doesn't sound particularly awful. No doubt that is partly because we're not you, and we don't see the whole story.

But wouldn't it be better response to go to the wedding, remember what was lovely about your own, and think about the fact you don't feel the need to copy someone? Just feel quietly pleased with yourself and don't give her the satisfaction of feeling she's gone one better - from what you say, she really hasn't.

GailTheGoldfish · 02/06/2013 16:41

On a denominational note, do they realise that the Catholic Church will not recognise their marriage if it is in anywhere other than a Catholic Church? I think it may be possible to get a dispensation ( anyone know?) but if her DP is really serious about his faith then they can't just get married wherever they fancy. They might not care, but just a thought.

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 16:42

As I said it all seems rather petty to me, I had a quick look through yourpast threads.

Yes it seems like youve got a lot on and maybe that contributes to making you a bit sensitive. You seem very hung up on your wedding.

You've said you want a good relationship with her but things keep coming up. Bt this particular issue is only being made an issue by you. Your wedding was what it was try and move on.

I think most of us with siblings have had past or current issues that at some point we have to move on from. I'm one of eight siblings, I know what it's like to be overshadowed or be bettered or feel that things are so unfair but if you want a good relationship with them you have to let stuff pass.

hermioneweasley · 02/06/2013 16:44

OP, from your last post she sounds awful. Why do you have her in your life?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 02/06/2013 16:45

Why on earyh do you want to maintain a relationship with these people ??!!!!

ProphetOfDoom · 02/06/2013 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suckmabigtoe · 02/06/2013 16:45

YABR

hermioneweasley · 02/06/2013 16:45

By the way, I think your wedding sounds lovely. Personal and low key. I love forget-me-nots.

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:47

I am so hurt and so jealous and so unhappy.

Things that I have/have done she gets or does but wants to go one better every time. It was always a competition growing up through her making not mine.

I just want a sister, a friend.somebody I can share things with. I try so hard with her I ust want things to be simple but she complicates everything with her games. I don't hate her but she's a hard person to like.
She destroys anybody who crosses her. I want to get past all this but I have had years of hurt from her/because of her and it has been hard to find myself. With her copying so much/causing problems I can just feel myself getting lost.

I'm rambling. I'm crying. I shouldn't have started this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:50

I just felt like there was no choice at all for our wedding.

It was just the cheapest of everything. Worst bit is dm has given dsis a ring worth thousands for her engagement ring that was our grandmothers. My eng/wedding rings were from argos.

I feel like I mean nothing to them

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 02/06/2013 16:52

At the end of the day, you are just as married as she will be, church wedding or not.

I think you need to come to terms with the wedding you had really. It sounds lovely. It really does. You decided to do that, rather than struggle to save for year for the dream wedding. You obviously love your husband and your children. You are happier with your life (hard though it is) than your sister will ever be with hers.

Feel sorry for her!

Let her have her wedding and maybe even go to it with all I have said in mind.

LIZS · 02/06/2013 16:53

Pity her lack of imagination and individuality. Is this the same dsis who you care for but doesn't really help herself ?

Brices · 02/06/2013 16:54

I'm sorry your feeling upset. But, if it was my sister I'd be pleased for her.
Hadn't considered before but maybe sometimes a live vicariously through my sisters?!
Is the new husband a good guy? To be brutal this was my concern on my sisters wedding day, are these grooms good enough... Daft really can't live people's lives for them

Original poster
ariane5 · 02/06/2013 16:58

Yes I only have the one sister.

The saddest thing about our grandmothers jewellery was dsis earmarking ot all-the ring for her engagement and the rest for when she has dds.

I have 2 dds but apparently that jewellery is "hers". It has sentimental value to me but she has had it all valued already.dm just goes along with what dsis says and looks downtrodden.

OP posts:
EarlyInTheMorning · 02/06/2013 16:58

I think you're far too focused on your Dsis, which puzzles me a bit as with 4 DC you must have your hands full. It really is very sad that you have described your wedding as 'horrible'. Presumably you have a DH whom you love and loves you back. How much money you were able to spend on the actual day is not important. Count your blessings and distance yourself emotionally from your Dsis. Attend her wedding in good grace and show you're a bigger person than she is. She sounds like someone you should pity, not envy.