To think this has been done on purpose to copy and annoy me?

[ariane5]

I got married last year. We have 4 dcs and very little money so had a cheap registry office wedding, no reception just some food/drink at our house afterwards.

Cake was cheapest m+s one, dcs bridesmaid/pageboy outfits were cheapest we could get from next, we had no honeymoon and rings were from argos (cheap ones for both of us). Bouquet was made from tescos cream roses and forget me nots from the garden.

A few months before we had booked our wedding for a church we had chosen near where we live (where dcs were baptised and I used to go a lot), had met with the vicar etc and planned a lot of it but we had to postpone/cancel due to my health problems, unexpected pregnancy and lack of money. I was really really sad but we just couldn't have afforded it.
My family all knew about our plans, dsis actually said she was pleased as she does not believe in God and doesn't like churches/would never go to church herself. This has always been her view.

Fast forward to now and dsis will be getting married in the church we had wanted because even though she has admitted "I don't believe in all that but its such a lovely posh church" I am so hurt. She even said that she "probably won't have to worry about the cost" as she thinks if she starts going regularly she will be able to "get the vicar on side and get it for free" as she is disabled (she has epilepsy).

She doesn't believe in God so why a church? Her dp is catholic (church she chose is c of e) and he would have preferred 'his' church he attends but dsis doesn't "like the area" its in.

I really don't think I will be able to go.I will be too upset as my wedding was tbh a bit crap. I love dh but we had NOTHING as couldn't afford it and I'd have loved to have had a bit 'more'.

I'm probably just being jealous but she does a lot to copy me in other aspects of life too and always has and the whole wedding thing is just a bit too much.

AIBU to feel put out like this ?

It wasn't horrible I don't think I meant it like that it was just the registry office is in the bleakest part of town within the grey concrete civic centre and it was not what I had always imagined but we had no money.

I was nervous and had been in hospital few weeks before and ds2 was just out of NICu so it was a bit stressful.

We just had food etc at home after and it didn't 'feel' like a wedding.

I do love dh and dcs so much. I sound so horrible don't I.

Look if she was REALLY copying everything you do she'd have a "cheap registry office wedding, no reception just some food/drink at our house afterwards . . . Cake was cheapest m+s one, dcs bridesmaid/pageboy outfits were cheapest we could get from next, we had no honeymoon and rings were from argos (cheap ones for both of us). Bouquet was made from tescos cream roses and forget me nots from the garden."

But she isn't. She's having something quite different.

It's a shame about the church but actually churches are usually only a couple of hundred to hire - not sure why you think they are so expensive? If it is massively expensive then I don't think the Vicar will make an exception for her - Vicars are well used to chancers and dare I say it very good at getting money out of people.

FWIW I think your wedding sounds absolutely lovely . . . comfy, down-to-earth, practical, loving, and not lumbering the start of your married life with a shedload of debt.

If I wanted to copy a wedding, it's your one I'd pick.

It was the first booked wedding that she knew I had my heart set on that she seems to want to imitate.

We were told by the vicar it was 600+pounds for the wedding fee, more for flowers/choir etc if we wanted. I thought it was a set fee for c of e??

Has she got children?

I also feel a part of it is that I always used to go to church, I believe and dcs were all baptised. Dsis has been so anti religion and has been vocal about it that I'm annoyed with her for being so fickle and disrespectful as she doesn't believe and just wants a nice posh church thatll look good in photos etc.

In our diocese a marriage costs £381 all in. Just looked it up.

Flowers and choir would be extra though.

No, she has no dcs.

She wants mine to be bridesmaids/pageboys (but we have to pay for outfits as our present to her)

And she wants me to be her m of h. Not sure I can do it. I can't work out if she is trying to build bridges or just rub my nose in it ?

Well, the thing is we all make our own choices. You chose to have 4 DCs before you got married, and therefore like most parents with a young family had very little money spare for a big wedding. She hasn't got DCs yet and so has more money to spend.

She might be desperately jealous of your four lovely DCs.

I agree , I think you are projecting some of your insecurity onto this. How is she going to afford this extravaganza by the way ? You may well find her ideas get scaled back in time. Say not to M of H and bridesmaids/pageboys if it makes you feel better. Go as guests with no obligations.

Your family is toxic and the best you can do is have very little if anything to do with them.

Make the choice to not care, distance yourself, caller id and answer phone just dont give them the power to hurt you and take back control.

Dont tell them about your life, meet in a public place, be vague and use the broken record .I would love to but im busy " "no im busy then, now" "no I cant meet you im (add excuse)" "Im sorry you cant come in we are getting ready to go out. You really need to call first before you come over".

Be asservtive, set and reinforce your boundries and less contact with them. Dont let them draw you back in.

Fake smiles and politness when telling her to go away and you are not intrested.
About the wedding smile.yes its a nice church, there are lots of nice places to get married these days. Im sorry but we cant make that day but im sure you will have a lovly time.

YABU. You are not going to attend your sister's wedding because she chose the church that you wanted to get married in? That sounds very petty and unkind on your part. Dredging up past wrongs from your teenage years also seems as though you are holding all sorts of grudges against her.

It sounds as though you have quite a fraught and volatile relationship. Obviously, I don't know all the complexities of your relationship and there may be much more to it than you have posted in this or other threads. But her choice of venue for her wedding does not sound like something to be upset about. Go to her wedding, enjoy the day, wish her well.

Also talk to your gp about councilling as I think you need to talk about this in a healthy environment and not let it interfer with your life.

Could you find out the date yhen go on holiday/honeymoon?

I don't think church fees are optional and something you can wangle out of (and shame on you if you do!)

We're paying about £500 in total for ours.

I also don't think your sister is doing it on purpose, although you'd be better having an honest conversation with her letting her know that it feels that way. As you say, they could pick another church.

From your later posts she sounds vile, why do you want to be friends with her? Stop comparing yourself to these people and stop letting their mad behaviour get to you. You're just repeatedly dashing yourself against a brick wall and complaining about how much it hurts.

Sorry, missed some of your thread.

Just to add. Your sister sounds like a cow. Pity her! I'm also unimpressed at your mother's blatent favouritism (whether deliberate or not) or your sister (with the whole ring business)

However.

Your wedding sounded lovely. Sincere and honest.

Personally, I would just go as a guest without all the added expenses - how cheeky of her to expect you to pay for the outfits etc.

I would try and distance yourself. Families can make you feel like a 12 yr old at the best of times! Clearly not a good idea when there is toxic vibes coming off them. Concentrate on you and your own family - your DH and your gorgeous kids.

If she is copying you, then I'd feel a bit sorry for her. It's more upsetting to hear that you thought your wedding was a "bit crap." I bet it wasn't. Money doesn't make a good wedding. It really doesn't.

(and now I've actually read the thread, it is possible your sister is doing it on purpose, silly woman - ignore ignore ignore!)

I think you need to think beyond the church wedding. I remember some of your past posts and feel for you, but dwelling on the wedding is rather pointless and destructive and comes across as sour grapes. Just tell your sister you can't affored new outfits for the children and if she wants them as pageboys/bridesmaids she has to accept that they will turn up in their best clothes or she pays for the outfits.

After all a wedding is just one day, a marriage is (hopefully) for life.

I think a lot of this is actually a red herring for what is really going on...and I don't think you've put your finger on it quite yet, which makes it difficult for internet strangers to grasp what is actually going on.

The wedding ring possibly is a good clue - as is you being kicked out of the house by your Dsis, and your DM apparently allowing it.

Did your parents actively take part in pitting you against each other when you were children?

Could Dsis do no wrong, but you could do no good?

Did the world revolve around Dsis and you for the most part became a non-person, forever having to put aside your feelings/wishes/wants/needs?

Were you every allowed to be yourself, or was your person, your authenticity, dependant on what mood your Dsis was in/what was going on with Dsis?

Etc, etc, etc....

No chance of a holiday/honeymoon for us-we had planned to save and go in 5yrs time but dd2 got diagnosed with diabetes in dec and nobody would be prepared to look after dcs now as its "too much responsibility" so we would have to go with all 4 dcs (they are all disabled) so it wouldn't be much of a holiday tbh. That's ok though it isn't the end of the world.

I think I have let things get to me too much. Regret my cooment that my wedding was crap. I meant every word I said that day and it was lovely to have dcs there especially ds2 as weeks before I didn't think he would make it.

I must sound like such an idiot. I am just so muddled up with my emotions and struggle with all the mind games within my family.