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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Queazy · 02/06/2013 12:15

Lastly...debretts smebretts. Etiquette is clearly socially constructed and evolves too quickly for such antiquated guides. They didn't read Debretts before writing their invitations, I hope, and I would be inclined to just suck it up, toss away your own copy, and get on with it. Life is too short, and this day is about them not you.

soverylucky · 02/06/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkybix · 02/06/2013 12:19

Honesty OP, you are starting to sound really mean now about this wedding, and that your nose is out if joint simply because you've not been invited to the meal.

Can you accept that it's unlikely this couple expects you to attend the ceremony? And that 20 cousins on DH side only is a large proportion of a guest list?

Also, you've not said why you can't simply ensure that another relative can look after mil.

It's not even your side of the family!!!

flowery · 02/06/2013 12:20

"shrouded in the pretence of having a "Society" wedding"

I have actually no idea what that means, but you sound as though you already really don't like the bride or think she is 'jumped up' or something, therefore probably should not go at all.

flowery · 02/06/2013 12:21

And comments like that are not going to improve the response you get on here I'm afraid!

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 12:21

OP are you going to go to the evening do?

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:22

Is the wedding breakfast at Claridges or something? Grin

WafflyVersatile · 02/06/2013 12:22

Sounds like they want a grand status wedding but don't want/can't pay for one so inconveniencing the guests is their compromise.

I'd go to the evening do. Church wedding bit will probably be dull anyway. MIL is not your concern.

[goes to read other 8 pages and see that there is massive backstory and this is now irrelevant]

tiggytape · 02/06/2013 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 02/06/2013 12:22

A 'society wedding ' sounds truly dire.
I imagine you may be the envy of all the other cousins as you've got a get out of jail free card !

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 12:26

Waffly has hit it on the head and Getorf isn't far orf.

OP posts:
Shitsinger · 02/06/2013 12:28

Well I had a peak at Debretts and its unacceptable to invite someone to the wedding and not to the reception.
It is acceptable to invite someone to the evening reception only.

I would just go to the evening do.

trixymalixy · 02/06/2013 12:28

Oh for the love of God, just don't go. I'm sure they won't miss guests who do nothing but sneer.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:29

I love the fact that you have invoked Debretts. Grin

flipchart · 02/06/2013 12:29

Can't see the problem myself.
Either go or don't.

I don't think it is unbelievably rude at all.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 12:30

Did the decorator invite all his cousins and their partners and their children and all the bride's cousins, partners, children and all their aunts and uncles and elderly relatives and make sure there was someone to facilitate getting to and from everywhere?

If not, this is no different.

You are just suffering from inverse snobbery.

Loa · 02/06/2013 12:30

If this is the accepted way of things I find it a bit odd that it's the first time in 53 years I have ever received an invitation like it.

We are only mid 30s so only been going to weddings last 10 years or so and it does seem common way of doing things.

Could be worse we once had a couple invite but DH was inviting to everything while I wasn't - it was pre DC so no real reason.

Do think plus one on MIL invite would have been more diplomatic but you can still decline or just let your DH go and sort MIL out.

janey68 · 02/06/2013 12:32

Surely a church wedding ceremony is open to the public anyway, so doesn't require an invite?
(Throwing another spanner in the works here Grin )

TheSecondComing · 02/06/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:34

Grin Debretts is a load of bollocks.

I do feel sorry for the poor MIL, though, who presumably would like to go to the wedding and who is now going to feel a bit like the spare part, isn't she?

I do think it is a bit sad not to make it easy for people to see the church bit. Especially when you think that for an elderly lady, probably the non-sit-down bit of the reception is the bit she'd be most likely to struggle with and give a miss.

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2013 12:34

Thank you for that. I've never heard that before. Out here, it's usually just ceremony and reception. Everyday is a school day.

In that respect, I do thunk it's rude. But you aren't going to make them change, and if you spend your life expecting everyone else to adhere to the same rules as you, theN you'll just spend your life with twisted knickers.

I still stand by my original comments though.

daftdame · 02/06/2013 12:36

Why don't you hire a 'ladies maid' and driver (complete with uniforms) to accompany MIL? That'd show them!

(snigger, just all this talk of Debretts) Grin

clam · 02/06/2013 12:36

I hope think the OP's mention of Debrett's was tongue-in-cheek.

Still don't see why you're so determined to take offence at an idea you happen to have about wedding etiquette that is wrong! Nowhere is it written that you "ought to" attend the breakfast if you've been to the church. You haven't been specifically "invited" to the church, just told where it is in case you're one of those odd people who like to spend their time at strangers' weddings.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:36

I can understand the MIL worrying about going on her own, getting arou d London etc if she is not used to it. It's a shame she hasn't got a plus 1.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:37

Yes.