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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
daftdame · 02/06/2013 11:45

OP I don't think you should think about it in terms of etiquette (which changes as social customs do) because offence gets you nowhere.

Solve the issue in practical terms.

Anyway the polite thing to do, in cases of bad etiquette, is help to smooth things over (suck it up) and possibly feel sorry for the non cultured person.

Loa · 02/06/2013 11:45

It is an increasingly common way of doing things IME.

I don't usually go to the weddings - just send DH as we have no childcare - which some have taken offense at Hmm - but DH had this a fair bit usually this group go down the pub till next bit of wedding especially if they have traveled some distance ie not worth turning up for just evening do.

Problem there is some locations are very isolated and sometime there is no pub.

TheSecondComing · 02/06/2013 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 11:46

It's the explicit request that she really hopes we will be able to make it for the church too

This is not a formal invitation. This is just telling you the time and place of the public marriage ceremony in case you would like to attend. Completely up to you whether or not you go.

I always thought if you were specifically invited to the church you also attended the formal reception

You were not 'specifically invited' - The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do

Can you really not understand the difference?

I think you should not attend any of it. You obviously don't like them anyway and the MIL complication is a hassle.

Tell dh to go on his own if he wants and let him make whatever arrangements he thinks appropriate.

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 11:48

If this is the accepted way of things I find it a bit odd that it's the first time in 53 years I have ever received an invitation like it.

OP posts:
TiredyCustards · 02/06/2013 11:48

Why are they having breakfast in the afternoon?

Moominsarehippos · 02/06/2013 11:50

What is a wedding breakfast? Before the ceremony? So there's a gap of about three hours between wedding and reception? Weird.

rockerrock · 02/06/2013 11:52

Surely the ceremony is the important part? You know, the bit where they actually get married, rather than the bit where everyone gets drunk...??

janey68 · 02/06/2013 11:52

Seems that the real gripe is that your MIL is 'desperate' to go, but is expecting your DH to totally facilitate that . If she's desperate to go, she'll find a way. It's London not some remote pacific island. There are all forms of public transport, plus other wedding guests she'll know who can lend a hand. Or she can decide to just attend the ceremony, which after all is the most important part.

If it were me, I'd go to the service, take a change of clothes and have a great day in London afterwards. I'd give the evening do a miss . Or give the entire thing a miss, if I didn't actually like the person getting married!

You seem determined to take offence and place yourself in the central position here. Honestly -it's a cousin fgs; Many people wouldn't think twice whether they were invited to all, some or none of it

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 02/06/2013 11:52

I don't mind evening only invitations, however the ceremony is the important part of the day, so I would be pleased to be asked to share the ceremony too, I know the logistics can be tricky though.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 11:52

Some people have been spiteful and personal.

But I suppose it's AIBU so any excuse for some sad twats to give you a shoeing Grin

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 11:57

Eh? That was supposed to a be a Hmm

I don't know TSC, I think I can see the OP's point because I haven't had a wedding invitation worded like that either. I wouldn't go to a church in the day if I was only invited to the evening do, couldn't be bothered to get all dressed up for a daytime event and then ponce about for a few hours until the evening.

I don't know why I care, I think most weddings are as boring as hell anyway Grin

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/06/2013 11:58

I think it would have been nice to offer a plus one for your MIL then she could have been accompanied by your DH (or someone else of her choosing) and you could have turned up for the evening. Weddings are bloody difficult to get right without offending people though.

FarBetterNow · 02/06/2013 12:00

Op: I agree with you.
One of my nieces got married in Church, on a Saturday, then a reception in a pub that serves food.
It was lovely as she invited all her cousins and there were quite a lot of them

Another niece got married in Church, on a BH Monday, reception some where grand and the cousins were invited only in the evening.
Some lived 200 miles away so didn't bother as it would have meant losing a day's work on the Tuesday (self employed).
However, she did manage to fit lots of work colleagues into the main reception.

The first wedding was by far the best.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 12:00

Marriedinwhite- have you had evening only invites in the past? If they were getting married in a church (rather than having a civil cermony) the polite thing for those people to have done would have been to inform you of when and where the wedding ceremony was taking place and make it clear it's a public event if you wanted to go. It's not that this couple are being rude, it's that the evening only invites you've had in the past (assuming church wedding) were being rude. HTH.

FarBetterNow · 02/06/2013 12:02

OP: I do think posters who are telling your MIL can get there herself as it's only London are MENTAL.

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2013 12:03

Ok, now I'm seriously confused. Is the wedding 'breakfast' AFTER the actual ceremony? So it's actually dinner? Then they're having another party after the dinner which the OP is only invited to?

Breakfasts are eaten in the morning where I live (unless you hd a big night the nightbefore, then it's acceptable to eat bacon and eggs whenever you roll out of bed)

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 12:04

Also, you said you got married 23 years ago and invited this cousin to it. How many times in the interveening 23 years have you seen that cousin when it wasn't a) a wedding, b) a christening c) a funeral d) an event thrown in honour of another family member (so a significant birthday party or anniversary)? How many times would you think your MIL has been in contact with her directly, not via her parents?

soverylucky · 02/06/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 02/06/2013 12:06

I don't think the OP is getting an unreasonable pasting

Bottom line is: a wedding is supposed to be a lovely event where two people commit. If you don't like the people involved, or you have some ideological objection to the institution of marriage, or of you find weddings as boring as hell, then just dont go. It's not rocket science. It just seems way out of proportion to get so wound up and feel 'obliged' to attend a cousins wedding and hang around doing bugger all for the whole day waiting for an evening do which will no doubt be a disappointment to the OP as every other aspect of the wedding sure doesn't meet with her approval...

Like I said: I'd probably go along to the service and then have a great day out in London, but if that's too much effort OP, then I'd stay home

Oh and the concept of the bride and groom being responsible for everyone expenses and travel is bizarre.
I've paid hundreds on flying to weddings of people I really care about- and equally felt completely comfortable declining invites from remote family members who I hardly know.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 12:06

(Midnitescribbler - the "wedding breakfast" is the first meal after the ceremony regardless of the time of day it is served, it is not a breakfast meal, it's just called the wedding breakfast to signify it's the first meal the bride and groom will eat as a married couple, not that it's the first meal of the day they have eaten)

Queazy · 02/06/2013 12:10

I'm normally a bit taken aback by some posts on mumsnet, which can sound a bit judgmental. I'm inclined to agree with the posters on this thread though marriedinwhiteagain. They have gone for their dream wedding instead of something that everyone could attend BUT it's their choice. This means they can't in turn be offended should you not show up to all the bits you've been invited to. Go to the bits you can/want to, as you've planned, and try not to worry about it. Things are very different with weddings now, and though I can appreciate its a bit galling to be on the B list as all cousins have always been invited, this is socially acceptable now. I don't think there's 'vitriol' on this thread - you're probably just asking for reassurance from a bunch of people who've either taken this line with their own wedding invitees or received such an invitation in the past. Put it behind you and DH, go to their grand (potentially overly lavish) wedding, drink lots and dance until you drop Smilex

charitygirl · 02/06/2013 12:11

Oh dear - I actually agree that they should have put themselves out a bit for your MIL and I hate two tier wedding. But mentioning Debrett's has made you look awful...

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:12

I thought weddings were events where everyone was invited to judge the hell out of the bride, groom and all their arrangements. Grin

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 12:12

I have had evening only invitations from work colleagues. We were earlier this year invited to a wedding ceremony locally and then to the evening reception. The groom was our decorator, the meal after the wedding was family only with friends to the evening do. And we we're delighted to go because the manner of the invite was thoughtful. Also both events were v local. Not wedding in Central london and evening do in East London shrouded in the pretence of having a "Society" wedding.

OP posts: