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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 02/06/2013 11:14

OP I agree with you. It won't be an easy day. But if mil is desperate to go then you will just have to suck it up won't you? It's not ideal, but you have to make the best of it you can.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2013 11:17

Seems to me that you are using the MIL as an way to back track after being told YABU!

Frankly you sound demanding and unpleasant, the way you talk about their wedding is very mean. I wonder if they are hoping you will be so offended that you dont go!

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 11:18

Let your DH deal with his mother and his cousin however he feels fit. I still don't understand why you had a row with him over this.Confused

MadonnaKebab · 02/06/2013 11:18

Also, the older you are when you marry, the more people you have or have had in your life
For example the 13 DH's cousins at your wedding 20 odd years ago were probably almost all single then, but they now add up to 26 guests with their spouses, or approx 52 with their kids.
We also acquire more old friends, and more of them are married with kids
Imagine you & your DH were marrying now, do the sums, how many would you feel should be invited?

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/06/2013 11:19

Do you see these cousins much though? I suspect the bride has chosen to have people she sees the most at the reception.

And if mil is tricksy which you seem to intimate, well that's not up to the bride to resolve.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 11:22

But OP - that's 14 cousins, total of 20 guests from your MIL's side, the bride's father's side. How many cousins does the bride have from her mum's side? Same again? What about the Groom? does he have a similar number of cousins? Can you see that if they invited all cousins, they could easily add an extra 50 - 60 people, that's a lot when you've budgeted for 100 guests, throw in Aunts and Uncles, grandparents, godparents, and you could hit nearly 80 guests, leaving on what should be a large wedding, only a few spaces for friends who are people the bride and groom spend the bulk of their time with.

Rather than start saying "well, I get on better with the cousins from Aunty X and Uncle Y, than from Aunty and Uncle Z, so I'll invite them." it is fairer to say all cousins are evening only, but as it's a public wedding, the polite thing to do is inform the evening guests of the ceremony if they want to go.

greenfolder · 02/06/2013 11:24

talk about glass half empty. and how high maintenance

if this was a remote scottish island you have a point. as it is, go to ceremony, which will be lovely, take mil to reception, go to nice local restaurant and treat yourselves,pick up mil and go to evening do with all the family.

or contact any other member of the family going and ask if they can help with MIL.

get a grip

clam · 02/06/2013 11:25

Frankly, I'm surprised you've been invited to any of it.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 11:26

Oh and if your MIL is hard work about how she's getting there and back, she should speak to the brides parents, her brother and SIL, it could be that with other of MIL's siblings going (assuming these 14 cousins are the DCs from more than 2 siblings) her other siblings might be able to take MIL along with them.

You say she's "the most senior" family member on that side, does she think she's the most senior, not just the oldest? (As in, does she think she's now the most important family member and isn't liking not being treated more like what she is, just one of the bride's distant relatives she doesn't see all that much and is only inviting because it's the done thing, not because the Aunt is a big part of her day to day life...)

ExcuseTypos · 02/06/2013 11:27

Is your MIL also the mother of the bride's father? (I think that makes senseConfused

In which case surely he will make sure she is looked after?

greenfolder · 02/06/2013 11:28

and in my circle, this arrangement is really common. have been to many where we all go to the ceremony, entertain ourselves for the afternoon (in the pub) and then go to the evening do. it saves the bride a fortune and friends get to do the really fun bits. loosen up

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 11:28

But if we had just been invited to the evening do I wouldn't have been offended. It's the explicit request that she really hopes we will be able to make it for the church too.

I always thought if you were specifically invited to the church you also attended the formal reception.

Anyway I am clearly unreasonable according to the mnet jury. I will pull look up debretts later.

OP posts:
Mia4 · 02/06/2013 11:29

marriedinwhiteagain I think YABU to be offended about the invite, remember the groom will also have family plus mutual friends and you and your DH (aside from blood relation) don't seem that close to them. I think close friend whose probably been supportive and loving trumps blood relation with whom there's no real interaction save family stuff.

And 24 cousins on her side, plus their parents and other relatives, and then her friends then his family and his friends and then their mutual friends plus any children...it can become very expensive and you draw then line to those you want at the ceremony, those you are closest to- sometimes blood isn't all that thick. But quite a few people, especially with church weddings, enquire about seeing the ceremony despite being invited to the evening do so it saves time to include details for anyone who is interested.

The MIL thing, why are you taking this all on like this and getting more annoyed? Why not ring up and speak to the MIL siblings and ask if they've thought of arrangements for her possibly they haven't or haven't yet but they've got it in their minds to sort out close to the time? That way you and your DH can just go to the evening do, and MIL gets looked after by others? Honestly if you haven't even tried to talk to her siblings about it, then you are taking it on your own back. If you have spoken to them and they've washed their hands of it then i understand your frustration and annoyance,.

francesdrake · 02/06/2013 11:29

Is this really not about the wedding at all, but about some longstanding resentment about your MIL guilt-tripping your DH - and how much responsibility your DH feels obliged to take for her, compared with the rest of the family?

TidyDancer · 02/06/2013 11:30

You really need to clarify the arrangements with MIL. If they aren't inviting you to the meal, I don't think you should be expected to facilitate her attendance. This is for them to sort out.

I can see why you're upset about this, but they technically have done nothing wrong.

MrsDeVere · 02/06/2013 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 02/06/2013 11:31

OP you sound like the sort of person who would interfere with the guest list in your children's wedding....

clam · 02/06/2013 11:31

Oh ffs, you HAVE "just" been invited to the evening do!
All they've done is remind you that you might want to pop in to the church as well if you fancy it as, in fact, a church wedding is open to any passer-by.
Why are you so determined to be offended?

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 11:32

Marriedinwhite - you are just confused about the church thing - it would have been rude for them not to tell about about the ceremony. There's no expectation you'll actually go to it.

flowery · 02/06/2013 11:36

If you would have been fine with an evening only invitation what on earth is so awful about them saying it would be lovely if you were able to also come to the church? I'm genuinely confused.

Nothing else you are saying is consistent with your claim that you would have been fine with an evening-only invitation tbh.

TheSecondComing · 02/06/2013 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 02/06/2013 11:39

If Debretts says you should be invited to the whole thing what will you do? Tell the bride? What on earth difference does it make what Debretts says?!

Nagoo · 02/06/2013 11:42

MIL may well be expecting you to make all her arrangements but why would the bride presume that? mil will have other relations there that can help her, just because she would prefer your DH to do things for her doesn't mean that is how is has to be.

really you are wound up by MIL's presumptions more than the brides?

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 11:43

YANBU. I think it's a cheek to expect you to turn up to the church, then hang around dressed up in wedding gear (or go home) and then turn up again for the evening do.

It does smack of someone wanting to have the appearance of a grand, well attended wedding without forking out to feed everyone.

I wouldn't bother going either.

soverylucky · 02/06/2013 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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