wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

Why don't you just go with your DH & spend the few hours inbetween chatting with your DH over a nice glass or two of wine or pot of tea.

It's London - not really that difficult to enjoy yourself for a few hours.

The invitation sounds polite enough to me. I think you have had your nose put out of joint because you weren't invited to the meal. I'm surprised you think they should invite that number of cousins....

YABU

I don't see how they are being rude at all

As for the situation with your mil, then surely they will be expecting adults to make arrangements for themselves (and what in earth has her being the 'most senior member of the family' got to do with it?) and if she can't arrange things herself that doesn't automatically mean you and your DH have to do it. I think you're being a big martyrish about it really. Go or don't go, it doesn't need a lot of drama

I can't read every single post here but I know I am going to be going against the consensus voice. I think they are BU not to think about how MIL is going to cope with the arrangements and being alone at the reception. If you're hosting (the key word here) someone you know well enough to invite to your wedding, you should know and be considerate of whether they have extra needs which mean they need a little help with things.

I don't at all get the attitude of 'guests should suck it up - it's the B&G's super special day that is all about indulging their princessy fantasies'. It's about recognising the joining of families to create a new family. Seems odd to completely disregard the needs of elderly family members in the process of this.

And I think that if you are inviting family at all, you invite them to all parts of the day. This reeks of 'we want to have a smart wedding to impress/keep up with our friends, but our budget means we can't actually afford to invite family to it.'

Why does everyone feel they have to have an all-day all singing all dancing entertainment anyway?

I disagree Fair. Would you prefer an invitation, (not a summons) to join in the celebrations or nothing at all?

Fair, they have invited their ancient aunt to the reception but not the full army of cousins. Sounds normal to me. Aunty (MIL) has assumed her son (DH) will take care of her. DH is happy to do so. The only one with a problem is OP.

Why would you invite someone to an evening do if they are not close enough to make the cut for the rest of the day though? That is what I don't get, the two tier thing. So everything that follows from having a two tier wedding, as in the OP's situation, is fraught with rudeness.

If you actually want the people there, invite them to the whole thing and cut your cloth accordingly.

Haven't read the whole thread but confused about the timing of the wedding breakfast. Are they having breakfast then getting married at 2pm?

stuntgirl ...... seriously, I read your posts and could be listening to my DD discussing her guest list!!
I completely agree with you both. Sadly, it is often the 'Mums' that are left dealing with annoyed relatives. I have one cousin who, I suspect, will never speak to me again. Still, it has ever been the way with weddings; almost a ritual that someone has their nose put out of joint!

snazzy outside London' for a sit down meal - seriously? ...... I know!! first DD to marry, and I was absolutely horrified by costs. I am certainly not wealthy! For a nice venue, price including things like drinks on arrival, wine & champagne for toast etc & nice food but not haute cuisine.... those were average prices when we started looking in 2011. They live in a fairly pricey area, and while they could have done something cheaper, they used the hotel of choice because it is a) beautiful and b) has a well earned reputation for seriously good customer service (so they knew that their guests would be well looked after!) I contributed, as did DSIL's parents, but actually, the B&G paid for well over 50%. It was their choice to spend their money this way...... and they did compromise on several things, in order to squeeze in a few extra guests to the main reception.

The thing that I haven't understood on this thread is why people would think it is not OK for a couple to celebrate exactly as they choose to? 2nd DD is currently planning her wedding ....in a registry office with only witnesses, parents and siblings and lunch at a local pub. That is what they want. It is not a financial issue ..... they simply hate formal occasions, and dislike parties.
Its strokes for folks.

However, guess who is having to find a hardhat to handle the amount of seriously ticked off relatives!!

The thing is if you are going to have a ' society' wedding with all that that entails then, especially in London' there are 'rules' that the type of people go

Sorry phone decided to post ..

There are unwritten rules which you are expected to follow, otherwise people will be offended . It does all seem very old fashioned and somewhat odd but it is the case. However whilst I understand the OPs irritation I do think think that the B a G ( although of course it is the bride's parents doing the inviting) have not been rude but rather thoughtless

People seem to be missing this isn't an invite to two with a gap in the middle. It's an invite to one bit. A church wedding is actually open to anyone and everyone - there's no guest list for it. Therefore it's courteous to let people know on the invite. It was important to me to have as many as possible see me and DH actually get married! It was also the only part of the day that felt like my late father was there (he served on the altar at that church).
And finally, given how much hatred and such is around at the moment - how about being happy about their being some more love in the world

Yabu - this is not new - I remember a wedding in 1994 when some were invited - in London- to the evening do and ceremony but not the meal.

I am sure they won't be offended if you don't go to the ceremony - although given your attitude towards her - calling her a madam etc" they may actually be relieved if you decline altogether

And why would t you take a gift?

I would discuss it with MIL and see how she feels about it- whether she really wants to go and how she would manage without you. She could just contact the couple and say that she would like to go but how could it be arranged? Put the ball in their court.
If it was me I think I would just see it as a day in London- go to the ceremony, see MIL to the reception- go off and have a nice time and then go to the evening do. You can wear something that suits both- probably just change your shoes as you would need something comfortable for walking around London.

outtolunchagain .... I do agree, however I think that (even at 'society' level) the current generation are starting to throw out some of the old conventions. Accepted practices have always evolved over generations, and there seems to be a swing away from obligatory invitation to relatives that are never normally seen (or actually disliked) in favour of inviting lots of friends.

When I married, my mother organised the entire affair including the guest list and we were "allowed" quite a small number of friends while having to smile cheerfully at people neither of us had ever met (more than one distant cousin). These days couples living together, paying for their own weddings, and certainly having far more input into the organisation, are contributing to a sea-change.
Personally, I think this is a positive move.

There are 24 of you?! At my wedding that would be a quarter of the guests. Maybe your cousin's fiancé wasn't willing to have that many people who he wasn't close to. I had discussed with my DH that I didn't want to be introduced to anyone at our wedding; if I didn't know them before then I wasn't particularly keen for them to be at our wedding. Maybe this is their compromise - that cousins can come to evening do as costs per head for reception can be ridiculously high. Your cousin was probably trying to be nice by adding in the additional note - I would appreciate something like that.

englishteacher78 we've not been missing that point. It's been made several times but the OP is ducking it.

Fair, two reasons I can think of off the top of my head are : not enough money to pay for a sit down meal for everyone you know, and family pressure.

FFS, it's an invitation to a party. Go or don't go. At least you have been given the choice. Fair would you prefer not to have the option?

I still don't understand why the DH will be wearing a tail coat if heis only invited to the evening?

Well, she hasn't really given a hint of such behaviour so far saggy, but I suspect it was simply the OP being melodramatic

Really?? I'd never have believed it!

Because at these sorts of wedding morning dress is just what you wear to the church to turn up in anything else would be a massive social faux pas . Everyone not just the bridal party will be in tails .

The thing I'm amazed at is that his appears to be a multi-location wedding. Fancy church, swanky first reception venue and then a scuzzier second reception venue in a different part of a big city for the less important guests. It sounds like madness. Just imagine how much extra organising it would involve.

is that according to Debretts??? lol!

I know plenty of weddings where the main party wore morning dress, and the rest of the guests wore whatever the heck they liked.

I do love the debretts mockery. When I first started MNing, people would always pull out debretts as the last word in etiquette. It always amused me.