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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 02/06/2013 21:39

Oooh wary of posting as havent read it all...But am sympathetic to OP as I have family members with expectations to manage too. I bet this woman is in her 80's and there probably aren't others her age around. She's just thinking what a lovely day for me and NOT what has to happen to make it all possible for her without a helper who is also invited for the day. Probably the bride and groom don't expect her to attend and it's questionable how far their responsibilities go to making it happen. But maybe she's someone it's hard to say no to. I have plenty of relatives from 90 down who are like this. And I can see why OP is panicking.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 02/06/2013 21:43

There are 14 cousins, with spouses and children, and not one person other than the OP and their husband would be willin to help out the elderly lady? Hmm

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 02/06/2013 21:47

I'm bit saying she's being selfish exactly. For example my grandma got invited to a family wedding years ago big neither of my parents were. She was the matriarch and it was a courtesy invitation. She wouldn't have dreamed I'd having my parents run round making it all happen for her which is what would have been required. She was embarrassed they weren't also invited. It is a bud different to ops situation as they are at least invited to part of it. Big we don't do evening only in the US however on the other hand I see why MIL if she's invited wound want to go...tricky.

Whocansay · 02/06/2013 21:48

I suspect you're all invited out of politeness and they haven't given a thought to transportation for your MIL. She's probably only invited for the full do as she's a 'key family member' and they're under pressure to invite her.

This isn't about you. It's about them and their wedding.

That you are choosing to be a martyr to your MIL is not their problem either.

Just go to the evening do, or decline. I'm quite sure the B&G aren't doing all this hand wringing, OP. You're reading slights that aren't there, IMO.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 02/06/2013 21:49

Sorry NOT saying.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/06/2013 22:03

I do understand what you mean OP, but I can't agree that it is "unbelievably rude". I mean, come on, these people are getting married, they have an awful lot of people to consider and you are not their priority and frankly neither is your DH's mother. I'm not saying that to be unkind, I've also a cousin getting married this summer and he is inviting all of us cousins to the evening do.

I would think they are trying to be polite and kind in offering you the opportunity to go to the service, not trying to put you out. If you can't attend then don't. If your MIL wants to do the whole day can't you contact some other family member and see if they can help or just ask her to go to the evening do with you?

No doubt this has all been said in the thread.....sorry!

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/06/2013 22:14

"MIL is desperate to go and expects DH to facilitate all the arrangements for her. BUT DH hasn't actually been invited and this is where I think the bride's father should have stepped in and either made sure we were invited or taken charge of arrangements for MIL. MIL will not make her own arrangements - but that is another thread."
marriedinwhiteagain, have you contacted the bride's father to check? Maybe he HAS taken charge of the arrangements for your MIL (?his sister?) but hasn't thought to inform you/your DH directly, assuming your MIL would have done so?

StuntGirl · 02/06/2013 22:32

mumngran Grin

D'you know what, I don't even have a problem with my cousins, they're all nice enough people. I just barely know them, we live on opposite sides of the country and rarely speak, except at the occasional family meal.

So as pleasant as they are if I'm choosing between close friends I see all the time and family I don't really know and see once in a blue moon, its no huge slight to the cousins they just wouldn't be a consideration.

MummytoKatie · 02/06/2013 22:39

I think YABU to think inviting people to the evening and also telling them where the ceremony is is rude. It's been going on for years and it is often quite fun to go to the ceremony in your posh gear, go off, have food and/or drink - often with friends - before going to the party bit in the evening. In fact some of my most enjoyable weddings have involved doing that.

I think it is fully accepted by the older generation too - I remember my mum leaving work for a "late lunch", swapping her black suit jacket (she's an accountant) for a pink one, plonking on her best hat, going to a Friday ceremony, posing for pics and making it back to work for the afternoon.

However, if the question had been "AIBU to think my MIL needs to sort her own arrangements" or "AIBU to think my dh needs to man up and tell his mother to sort it out herself" then I'd be agreeing with you!

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 22:55

Perhaps the B&G are only doing the evening thing out of respect to the aunts & uncles. There is every chance they just wished to have 100 for the whole thing. It wouldn't have been the first wedding that ended up bigger than originally envisioned because of pressure from the family to not leave anyone out.

firesideskirt · 02/06/2013 23:01

I don't think this is rude at all. If you formally decline and add that snarky note about the MIL, that will be rude.

Yours is an evening invitation and they think (bless them) you want to attend the ceremony even though they can't afford to have you to the full reception too.

It's your DH's family, you should go along with what he wants to do, whether this is declining the ceremony and just going to the evening, going to both, or not at all.

Panzee · 02/06/2013 23:07

Sorry I asked what MIL wanted and then went out for the day! I see she is desperate to go and is looking to your husband to help her.

I suggest your husband contacts the bride and groom and says that you and husband will be at evening do (and ceremony but only if you want to, there's no obligation in the invitation) but that they need to help out with MIL as she needs help throughout the day. And leave it at that.

The invitation is fine, it would have been easier re MIL if you had been invited to the whole day, but you haven't, so someone else can do it. :)

edam · 02/06/2013 23:38

Wow, there have been two ceremony-only invites on this thread. Now that IS indisputably rude!

Stuntgirl, I feel the same way about my cousins - they are pleasant enough people but I don't know them that well and didn't invite them to my wedding (although I did invite my Aunt and Uncle). Crucial difference is that I didn't say 'oi, we are having a very flash wedding, but I'm spending all the money on a posh venue and am too tight to cater for you'. And that it sounds like the OP's family have a different set up where cousins have all been to each others' weddings.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 02/06/2013 23:41

YANBU. I don't like guests being treated as convenient cardboard cut-outs that can suddenly be faded into the background when they might need to be treated like humans (i.e. fed and watered). If they can afford to get married in central London then they can afford to pick a venue and menu that will accommodate people like the OP. And I do think they should have considered how elderly relatives will manage.

Mumngran '£145 -200 pp is not unusual - and that is outside London' for a sit down meal - seriously? Are these events being personally catered by Gordon Ramsay or something? Shock

StuntGirl · 02/06/2013 23:44

I think though, that if you feel put out at not being invited somewhere anything can be used as an excuse to say "Oh look, they spent the money on food/entertainment/outfits/whatever, they could have used some of that money to invite us!" So anything above bare basic will be seen as an unneccesary extravagence by the injured party.

scottishmummy · 02/06/2013 23:46

I think your whole tone to bride/groom is snippy.i suspect other issues
they can,and probably will sort mil.you attend the wedding,act gracious,smile
frankly this is about something else.you've got a bee in your fascinator,I see your dh disagree with you too

BackforGood · 02/06/2013 23:51

It's nothing to do with "today".
I got married nearly 20 years ago - siblings, cousins etc all 20 yrs +, and it's always been perfectly normal to let evening guests know they are very welcome to attend the service, if this is at all possible. Some do, some don't. Personally, I like to, if I can, as I feel it's the most special and important part of the day, but, realistically, if it's difficult, then nobody is 'expected to', you are just 'welcome' to.
Similarly with the evening party - that' what it is, a party invitation. If you'd like to go, you go, if it's too much trouble for you, then say 'no thanks'.
It's never been down to the bride and groom, or bride and her family to organise transport or accommodation for guests, IME either, so I think your expectations on that front are unreasonable too.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/06/2013 23:53

Inviting, say, 10 cousins and 10 partners probably costs another £1000 at least (£50 per head). Then if you've got a big family on both sides, multiply that by 2-3.

Not to mention that you then need a venue that holds up to 150, limiting your choice and your chances of availability anywhere near your preferred date still further.

That's why I never understand comparisons between "extra guests" and one off items like a chocolate fountain or wedding favours or an extra flower girl dress, all of which probably cost less than £200.

JuicyMelons · 02/06/2013 23:55

You are being unreasonable by even giving a rat's ass about Granny Clampett. Leave her on the hard shoulder of the M25.

Hashtagwhatever · 02/06/2013 23:56

Can I ask,
What is Debretts?

JuicyMelons · 02/06/2013 23:56

[waves to Scottishmummy] Grin

JuicyMelons · 02/06/2013 23:58

Hash, Debretts is the etiquette bible - otherwise known as upper-middle-class elitist bullshit.

scottishmummy · 02/06/2013 23:58

lol,at clampetts .now that is a right proper rebuke
I likey

JuicyMelons · 03/06/2013 00:04

OP, would it be too much to ask you to visit my nan next weekend and clip her toenails? I can't be arsed, frankly.

scottishmummy · 03/06/2013 00:07

can I just say in Scotland visit my nan,has a whole different meaning
nan=fanny
but I see your semi-respectable and asked nicely that they visit your am