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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Panzee · 03/06/2013 11:22

Saggy, perhaps he just likes wearing them. :)

ArbitraryUsername · 03/06/2013 11:24

Oh, and before anyone gets arsey, anyone invited to the evening rather than a whole wedding is most certainly a less important guest. That isn't necessarily a problem though. A work colleague would (and should) consider me to be a less important guest at their wedding than, say, their mother, their actual friends, etc. It doesn't mean I'm less important as a person, just less important in their lives than a whole range of other people.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/06/2013 11:37

Because at these sorts of wedding morning dress is just what you wear to the church to turn up in anything else would be a massive social faux pas . Everyone not just the bridal party will be in tails
Maybe if the B&G were William and Katherine!!
If its just a passing mention of where the ceremony is if you want to attend, then a suit will be fine! It's not as if DH is expected to be in the photos, is it!

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/06/2013 11:45

It is culturally normal for some people to wear morning dress to weddings even if they aren't in the bridal party. I have been to a few weddings like this and you don't have to be K&W.

But then again I've only had one evening only invite so maybe it wouldn't be normal in that case. Confused

I mean, FFS, it's the DH's family, he will know if it's usual for their family to wear one or not.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/06/2013 11:49

Absolutely Arbitrary. I think that some people are so full of their own self importance that the very notion that the B&G think more of their immediate circle than they do of distant relatives/acquaintances, sends them into a self righteous, snobbish tizzy. Some so much so that they clutch their pearls and run screaming to MN and Debretts for validation.Hmm

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/06/2013 11:51

It is culturally normal for some people to wear morning dress to weddings even if they aren't in the bridal party. I have been to a few weddings like this and you don't have to be K&W.*
Yes. But not if you aren't actually invited!

StuntGirl · 03/06/2013 11:55

saggy Grin

But she has been invited dontcha know? She received a summons to attend the church along with her evening invitation! Which in itself is surely evidence that one is NOT invited to the whole shebang

OctopusPete8 · 03/06/2013 12:00

Hmmm, I think you are fair enough to be miffed to not be invited to the full day although a bit U, its understandable.

And I understand you're concern for MIL is admirable but I am getting married a there will be people in 60's,70's,80's going with being full SAHM no car and my DP works crazy hours,

Theres no chance we could 'liase' our elderly guests they have to get there themselves.

OctopusPete8 · 03/06/2013 12:03

I'm not being funny but do people realise How expensive weddings are now?
you're talking at least £50 a head, x40 people which is a small wedding IMO , a helluva lot of money...

I think a lot of perceived thoughtlessness is just pure they can't afford it.

2rebecca · 03/06/2013 12:09

It wasn't a summons, just an invitation and as others have said anyone from anywhere can attend a church wedding, they are open to all. letting people know when the ceremony is is just being polite.
Most people would just turn up in the evening unless the wedding venue was convenient.
The OP seems to be being a bit martyrish about having to be the only ones who could possibly take MIL to the afternoon ceremony.
I'd be phoning whichever of MIL's sibs is parent of the bridal party and asking them to arrange someone to transport MIL as "we aren't invited to the afternoon do so won't be going until the evening".
Problem sorted but no the OP and her husband want to swan around in morning suits and feel aggrieved all day.

Vocalista86 · 03/06/2013 12:14

YABU. They will have invited who they thought best to the different parts of their day. Perhaps you are not in very regular contact with the bride/groom and therefore haven't been invited to every part?

Family shouldn't be expected to be invited just because they are family.

OctopusPete8 · 03/06/2013 12:18

14 cousins? thats a helluva lot I assume that would include husbands kids, maybe kids of there own?

I'm in a similar dillema , I have 26 or so cousins their partners and their grown up kids and their kids.... and then there's my DP youngest of 6 there DP's and kids and my DF is the eldest of four theRE dp's their kids...
my great aunts uncles, n their DP's about 8 all together ..you can see how numbers can just get so far out of hand?....

StuntGirl · 03/06/2013 12:18

"It wasn't a summons, just an invitation and as others have said anyone from anywhere can attend a church wedding, they are open to all. letting people know when the ceremony is is just being polite."

I know rebecca, my point (obviously badly made Grin) was that they are not invited to the day time do, but have been extended the offer of witnessing the ceremony of they like. This whole thing is such a non-issue to me, try as I might I just can't see why the OP is getting her knickers in a twist.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/06/2013 12:26

There's no real polite way to not invite someone to something. I think you just have to do what's you feel is right and stand by your decision. "never complain, never explain" and all that.

The sort of note the B&G sent comes across like: "Please affirm that I'm not a bad person for not inviting you." It's more about making it okay for THEM, not the person receiving it.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/06/2013 12:29

DP and I have 4 parents each, a total of 6 siblings and a few cousins each. A wedding with our nearest family and closest friends totals more than 100 people. It's not about you OP. It's their day, and they are inviting you, and PAYING for you to enjoy it. Be grateful for what you get, because if you were my relation, and I got wind of your opinion, you would be swiftly uninvited from everything!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/06/2013 12:31

P.s. your DHs elderly parent needs help. Don't be so crap. You will be old one day. Lets hope your offspring aren't so ungracious!

Ragwort · 03/06/2013 12:39

I'm not being funny but do people realise How expensive weddings are now? you're talking at least £50 a head, x40 people which is a small wedding IMO , a helluva lot of money.. - but you don't have to spend this sort of money, a wedding is about a marriage, two people comitting to spend their lives together - not about the dress/venue/flowers/rubber chicken/cheap white wine and vomit favours. Why do people feel they have to spend literally thousands on a bog standard wedding, you can have a wedding without all this fuss and expense? There is so much bridezilla stuff on mumsnet, I can't wait to read the threads in a few years when you are planning weddings for your daughters Grin.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 03/06/2013 12:56

I think I'd also be slightly peeved to be invited to a wedding ceremony but then be expected to hang around in my wedding finery and twiddle my thumbs until the evening do. But in this instance it sounds like it's more of a formal invitation to the evening do and then an option to come to the ceremony if you want to, as it's a big church and there will be space.

The MIL issue is tricky though, and it's a bit rubbish that the bride's family haven't been more proactive in making sure she's sorted.

I think you should either just go to the evening do, or go to the ceremony as well and then have a lovely meal out by yourselves in the interim. Either way, maybe speak to the bride's family and prod them in the direction of making arrangements for your MIL seeing as you won't be there for the whole day.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/06/2013 13:00

Think many forget that Ragwort, they are too intent of finding matching chair covers or sweet tables. Sheer madness to spend so much on one day that could fund a house deposit or cover the first year of maternity leave.

Far nicer to have a simple day and have everybody close to you witness the vows being made than host a lavish event and exclude many.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/06/2013 13:04

Yes it is about two people committing to eachother and spending their money on whatever celebration they see fit. If they want pretty dresses, flowers and 100 people for a sit down meal, that's up to them. If they want to spend their money throwing a BBQ for 250, that's up to them. If they want to elope and spend their money on a house or holiday that's up to them.

No one is obliged to invite you to anything. No one is obliged to feed and water you at all. And I am regularly [shocked] at the sense of entitlement that some guests here feel when they are invited to a wedding celebration.

DontmindifIdo · 03/06/2013 13:15

Ragwort - but this OP wants the bride and groom to have a huge wedding to accomodate extended family! She said they already have 100 guests in the day, including all the aunts and uncles - in central London, even if they aren't having a posh meal, that's going to be several thousand pounds, the OP wants them to add an extra 18-20 guests just for the cousins from the brides father's side (bride's dad being the MIL's brother, who knows if she also has cousins on her Mum's side and if the groom has cousins, it could easily add 50 guests or more). Or she thinks they should make room for them by say, spending all their money entertaining these people they aren't close too rather than friends they share their lives with who actually know the bride and groom.

If you have a huge family like the OP seems to have, you either have a huge wedding (a lot of people don't want those regardless of affordablity, I certainly didn't want hundreds of people and a massive event even if we could have found the money), or you do something like say "Aunts and Uncles for the whole day, cousins are evening only".

It's hard if the family 'norm' has been to throw a massive party with hundreds of people and invite all these people to say actually, I want a more intimate party, I don't mind having these people who are basically strangers to the evening, but for the day, I only want people who know me to be invited. Because you will offend people like the OP who just assume that because they were happy to have a massive event that the younger relations must do the same thing.

DontmindifIdo · 03/06/2013 13:24

BTW - i have a friend who did something similar, she had a family where the tradition was to have weddings with 250 - 300 guests. Usually the quality of catering and venue had to be cheaper to allow for this, but still it was a lot of money to feed, water and entertain all those people. When she got engaged, her dad handed her the £30k he'd saved for his "DD's big day" but said that he'd always hated the big weddings, so if she's rather spend the money on something else, she could do, her choice.

In the end, she got married with 25 guests, very small and happy wedding, in a very posh hotel with very gorgeous food (I was lucky enough to be in the 25!), and stil only spent a fraction of the money, the rest was her house deposit.

I know that her cousins were still bitching about her "cheapness" for not inviting them several years later. Sad

FadedSapphire · 03/06/2013 13:26

YANBU if your mil is anything like mine...
She is 80 and is an 'old' 80 rather than a sprightly one. She would absolutely have an expectation to be ferried around by her son. In your case it is unreasonable to expect your dh to do this unless you/he are invited to the whole thing. I feel you have only been invited to Church bit so you are in the 'right' places to ferry dear mil around.
I would be gritting my teeth...

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 03/06/2013 13:29

I think the whole two tier guests thing is staggeringly rude. Either you invite people or you dont. If OP and her DH hadn't been invited at all, there would be no expectation that they should assist MIL. I have never heard of a really smart wedding have a two tier list - it sound incredibly Hyacinth Bucket to me.

Oh and before you say how else do you feed everyone there are ways around it, such as having a smaller wedding. Or do what my friend did last year and have the wedding breakfast for immediate family and best friends only just before the ceremony, slightly later ceremony and on to the party. It was such a relief not having to be there until 430, and lots of the guests went for a late lunch first, I can't imagine anyone objected or could have.

BackforGood · 03/06/2013 13:35

I don't get this MN thing of it being rude to invite people to a party Confused
When my parents got married (1950s) it was normal to have parents and siblings to the service and back for something to eat, and that was about it.
By the time I got married (1990s) things had evolved, and people wanted to be able to invite more people, so the 'evening party' came into being, enabling the B&G to invite less close family members, colleagues, friends, later on in the day, as well as just close family to the afternoon bit.

To me, that's a nice thing - to be invited to a party to celebrate someone's wedding. I really don't get the 'professionally offended' on here at all.