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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:

MumnGran · 02/06/2013 19:25

Awww bless you, Scone!
Wonderful day when you do finally make it to the Big Moment though, hey.

Elquota · 02/06/2013 19:31

YANBU. You invite people to something - you provide refreshments and hospitality.

YoniRanger · 02/06/2013 19:40

The whole 'you are welcome at church' bit is such a sell out, of course you are. You can go to anyone's wedding in a church. They really can't stop you!

Just go for the evening. MIL is not your problem

foreverondiet · 02/06/2013 19:41

I'd just go to evening do after work and say can't take time off work for the wedding....

edam · 02/06/2013 19:46

If you can't afford to invite people to your wedding, either don't invite them at all or scale down your plans. It's rude to say 'we've decided we can't be bothered to cater for you, but do feel free to come to the ceremony'. It's particularly rude not to make arrangements or help to make arrangements for elderly guests who need assistance.

I think what is particularly galling for the OP is that the bride and groom have chosen a very expensive wedding yet are achieving that by excluding guests who would expect an invitation from the main reception.

I do see the thinking of those who say the bride is trying to be nice by saying 'you are invited to the evening but if you wish to see the ceremony, we'd be happy to have you there' but I think it is clumsy and rude.

The bride & groom (or their parents) are hosting the wedding and the first responsibility of hosts is to look after their guests. If you can't or don't want to look after your guests, don't have any.

We went to a Christening today. Very low-key as the parents are not terribly well-off at all. But they had catered for everyone and went to a great deal of time and effort to make sure everyone was looked after, from the tiniest (two week old!) baby to the elderly great-grandparents. A poor, working class family with far more style and manners than the OP's dh's cousin.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/06/2013 19:48

Where are all these venues that do a basic wedding?

I mean, other than hiring a church hall and bringing your own food?

Hulababy · 02/06/2013 19:49

expat - we did just that :) Late afternoon ceremony followed by evening buffer, live band. disco, etc. But ours was a blessing (we got married a fortnight before on out own abroad) and reception for family and friends. We did it that way as we could then afford to invite everyone who we wanted to come, plus the family invites. We didn't want to be excluding people or not allowing people to have a +1, etc. Was all pretty informal, once the ceremony was done, no formal photos, no formal meal. Just everyone letting their hair down, having a catch up and chat, a drink, a bit to eat and a boogie. Was fun. Mind you, as we are not down south, we also committed a MN faux pas - no free bar! I've stilll only ever been to one of those though despite being to dozens of weddings.

MumnGran · 02/06/2013 19:57

Having now read through a lot more of the thread, I am coming to the conclusion that there are two distinct viewpoints about wedding invitations:
one, that weddings are a party thrown by the couple, who should therefore host it as any other party would be hosted, with the emphasis on the guests

& the other, that it is a privilege to be invited to celebrate the couples special day and the day is really entirely about them.

Whether talking about evening invites, church ceremony, or whether the couples are self-indulgent or trying terribly hard ..... its always about whether you fall into the 'guests first' or 'couple first' camp.

I suspect its a "never the twain shall meet" thing!

SirRaymondClench · 02/06/2013 20:03

TBH if I get an invite to a wedding, be it all day or evening only, I'm thrilled. I always think it's lovely that someone thought enough of me to include me in their big day.
Op you should decline the invite because your attitude towards this couple's wedding is a shambles.
And not giving them a gift because you feel somehow you've had your nose pushed out?

Elquota · 02/06/2013 20:06

Yes of course it's a privilege to be invited to share in someone's special day. But that doesn't stop the couple being considerate towards everyone who's making an effort for them, does it?

StuntGirl · 02/06/2013 20:06

"by excluding guests who would expect an invitation from the main reception"

Aaand here's the problem. The OP is 'expecting' many things. If I got married tomorrow my cousins would be lucky to scrape it to the C list...even if I had a super scaled back celebration there are a lot of people who I'd want there ahead of them. For all I know my cousins harbour these ideas that by virtue of simply being related they deserve to be top consideration...I hold different values and would make my decisions accordingly.

MumnGran · 02/06/2013 20:09

"Stuntgirl" ... are you my daughter by any chance? lol

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 20:12

Curious. I've been quite startled at some of the OP's supporters (though none as startling as OP herself), who seem to take a view that guests' comfort is more important than what the couple want.

Then I realised this was the attitude I took to my weddings - I arranged things so nobody would be left hanging around, without a lift or without the food & drink they would want.

In fact, I'm more ashamed that the guest with MS at wedding #2 fainted in the sun than about marrying XH #2, which I already knew to be a mistake! Mind you, I know I'm a better host than a chooser of partners, so I guess I was playing to my strengths

Shitsinger · 02/06/2013 20:14

Im with edam and expat
If you are hosting a wedding you think of your guests and it is polite to provide refreshments for people who have made the effort to come to your wedding.
Likewise Christenings/Funerals and Birthday Parties .Human beings have shared food as part of celebrations for centuries but now a couple want you to come to their wedding but don't want to be hosts ( or their parents)-Ugh !

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 20:14

Don't beat yourself up. My SIL fainted at my wedding, poor love. I blamed the idiot priest who insisted on telling everyone they had to stand the whole time, despite me having told him beforehand that some of my family were not well enough physically to manage that.

There are always things you don't foresee, but it's about making a bit of an effort, isn't it?

I don't think the guests' comfort is more important but I think it's kinda weird not to think about basics.

Trills · 02/06/2013 20:16

Unbelievable rude? No.

Not even a little bit rude really.

Aunts/uncles (MIL) have been invited to the whole do.

Cousins (you and DH) have been invited to the evening event.

Pretty normal so far.

Some people might like to go to the wedding ceremony, so they've made it clear that you can do this if you like and that there will be space for you to do so. There's no expectation that you must, or that you should put yourself out to do it, it's entirely optional.

Where is the rudeness? What can you not believe?

If anything the person being rude is your MIL for expecting someone else (your DH) to sort out her arrangements for attending an event that they are not themselves attending (the daytime part of the wedding), and to skip work in order to do so.

babybarrister · 02/06/2013 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wherearemysocka · 02/06/2013 20:45

I once got invited just to the wedding ceremony - no food, no evening meal, just turn up to the church and then off you go, please.

Having said that, the couple were very religious and it was clear that to them the ceremony was the most important bit, so although I was a bit grumpy about it to begin with I did soften when I realise it was very important to them that I was there. I don't think there are many people who actively set out to offend on their wedding day. There are a lot of people to please.

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 20:45

at your priest, LRD! Perhaps he thought faith would sustain them

OP has been invited to the evening do, folks. Presumably she will be fed & watered there. And "we'd be delighted if you came to the service, here are the details" is not a summons. I may not be overly fond of the 3-stage wedding, but this one is in London - anybody attending stages 1 and 3 will have plenty to do in the interval - and OP doesn't have to go to the service if doesn't want to.

Her gripe isn't about the wait, it's just that she wants the big dinner.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 02/06/2013 20:45

I hate these kinds of weddings.
One of my brothers had one that was a bit like that. (I was invited to the whole shebang obvs but there was so much waiting around, and faffing while endless photos were done, and it was ages before anyone got any food!)
It seems like these days wedding are about The Dress, the photos, and the presents, rather than a celebration of a couple starting life together.
If I ever got married it would be registry office in the afternoon, then straight onto a church hall for a knees up, no presents, come one, come all. (Kids welcome)
The whole thing about "it's their day they can do what they like" is true, but I would still judge them for being vulgar .

Fecklessdizzy · 02/06/2013 20:50

Sheesh. This sort of pointless huffery is why my DP will forever remain DP rather than DH ( and his multitude of thin-skinned perma-feuding relatives at arms length ... )

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 20:54

Haha, me too, Sock! We drove hundreds of miles for it, exactly because it was important to them, and made a weekend break of it. Felt peculiar just waving everyone goodbye straight from the church, though. Met their parents on the way in, took some photos on the way out, then buggered off.

NotDavidTennant · 02/06/2013 21:07

If it makes you feel any better OP I've had a wedding invite from my cousin which is ceremony only. I'm expected to make a 200 mile round trip without even getting so much as a sniff of a vol-au-vent, so think yourself lucky.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 02/06/2013 21:08

OP I think you are a GUESTZILLA!
Ever heard the phrase "you can pick your friends..." Maybe they have invited 100 people they like, and you aren't one of them!
It's their wedding and they can invite who they like. You have an evening invite and can attend the ceremony if you want. That sounds quite normal to me.
And a question: why will your DP be wearing a tailcoat if he isn't a formal part of the wedding party?
Anyway, just because the 13 other cousins have done things one way, why can't they do whatever they like? They are paying! It's their wedding, their day. I think you sound bitter and entitled.

amandine07 · 02/06/2013 21:16

Wow this thread has exploded!

I was out all afternoon, there's another half a dozen pages.
Not much to add except that OP you are being VU and definitely a case of Guestzilla-itis

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