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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
MumnGran · 02/06/2013 15:10

I think YABVU

Having recently helped organise my DD's wedding, keeping numbers within budget & venue capacity was very difficult. Weddings cost a small fortune these days, and it simply isn't possible to pay for everyone to attend the whole day.

You have been invited to the evening reception They have told people who might want to watch the ceremony that they are more than welcome at the church .....but that does not amount to an invitation to the daytime event. It is a dip in option if you feel like it.
No obligation whatsoever.
So if its not convenient ....don't go to the church. If you really want to watch the ceremony, then go ....but it is not then the bride & grooms fault if you have to kill some time before the evening. It isn't their job to feed you either.

If there is running around to do, or a granny who needs to be watched out for, then I am sure that other members of the family who are going to the wedding breakfast, will be on hand. If granny thinks its a problem then I am certain she would say something.

Honestly, OP, this does just sound a bit as though you think the couple should have your logistics on their agenda. They won't. Not because they are rude, or uncaring, or uninterested in you .... they simply have far too much to sort out already, and are assuming that people are capable of sorting out their own agendas for parts of the day which they are not attending.

Pigsmummy · 02/06/2013 15:26

When I got married we had limited space (128) for a sit down meal but the church was huge so I made everyone welcome to that, some people who only came to the night do were happy that they were able to see us get married too. You do have to draw the line somewhere with th shyest list.

You don't have to go to the church if MIL has someone to go with?

Pigsmummy · 02/06/2013 15:27

Shyest = guest (and possibly the weirdest auto correct fail ever).

Annebronte · 02/06/2013 15:31

Are you sure transport isn't provided for guests, such as your MIL, who are going straight from church to breakfast? At weddings like this, there's often a bus/coach for all the guests.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 02/06/2013 15:34

What about your DH having a quiet word with the FOB (his uncle, I think?) to see if he could be added to the breakfast so he could be with his mother for the whole thing.

I did something similar when my mother was invited to a family wedding to which I was not invited (in US so no two-tier same day issues; that is not the done thing here, although it is usual to have a rehearsal dinner the night before which can be a mine field). Anyway, my mother really wanted to go to the wedding (which required overnight travel) but would not have been able to manage on her own. I called my cousin (whose daughter was getting married), explained the situation and was added as my mother's "plus one."

And yes, we do need to know more about the gift list. Wink

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 02/06/2013 15:36

At my church (ordinary Catholic parish church) weddings get put in the newsletter with an invitation to attend.

It's normal for the community to attend weddings. I was never away from weddings when I was a kid.

PorkPieandPickle · 02/06/2013 15:38

At our wedding, we kept it simple and invited the people we were close to in every day life. We didn't invite anyone who was the sort of person to bitch about us behind our back.

Maybe this bride is doing the same, and just doesn't want you there during the day because she knows you wouldn't truly be happy for them.

Decline the evening invite, you're clearly not happy for the couple, and it would be rude to go and pretend you like them. Just say you're busy and can't cart MIL about, its not your job. Problem solved.

jellybeans · 02/06/2013 15:38

Clam surely I am allowed a say as much as you? I was answering somebody's question..

badguider · 02/06/2013 15:41

blimey to the poster who thinks it's rude/ignorant to invite somebody to an event they might not be able to make or want to travel the distance to!!!

bloody hell.

we invited lots of people to our wedding who we didn't hope or expect would really be able to make it for various reasons, I don't think it was rude or ignorant to ask them anyway or let them know they would have been welcome or would be missed Confused????

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 15:54

I invited people and expected them to sort out their own travel/accommodation arrangements or decline. The guests were all adults, I would not expect to have to micro-manage them.

Everyone came and everyone had a good time. To this day, I don't know how some of them got there, or got home or where they stayed the night. Not my business really.

FobblyWoof · 02/06/2013 15:54

missStrawberry completely agree, just failed to mention that in my post! My marriage is the most important, and something cheap and cheerful is what wd'll have to go for if we ever want to actually get married! It'd just be nice to know that while planning and getting excited about my day day other people could really share in that like they do with bigger weddings now. If that makes sense?

Sinkhole · 02/06/2013 16:09

Married, is your DH an only child, if not are any of his siblings invited to the breakfast? Of all the 14 cousins, is he the only one not invited?

Can you tell us why no one else in the family can help out with MIL at church/breakfast, leaving you and DH just going to the evening reception as per your invite.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 16:12

Why do they call it a 'breakfast' when it's a fucking lunch?

And it's the 'done' thing here to have a two-tiered wedding under the pretext of affordability. Fair enough. Doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Just say no.

squeakytoy · 02/06/2013 16:16

"Married, is your DH an only child, if not are any of his siblings invited to the breakfast?"

I was wondering that too... why is it his sole responsibility (or is OP just assuming that)

"Why do they call it a 'breakfast' when it's a fucking lunch?"

That has already been explained, because it is the first meal that the married couple eat together as a married couple.. therefore it is a "wedding breakfast". Even if it was at 10pm.

Lovecat · 02/06/2013 16:23

Married, in all my 47 years :), I've seen many wedding invitations that are details of the church and then evening only.

My own wedding, some 22 years ago, had many such invites sent out as the church was massive, but the venue could only do 75 seated but 200 for buffet/disco in the evening.

If people were travelling long distances we invited them to the full day, as we wouldn't have expected them to come so far and not be entertained all day, however locals (mostly school friends, neighbours etc) were invited to church and evening. It was the done thing way back in 1991 so hardly unusual.

I have to say you're sounding snippy, precious and determined to take offence.

WRT your MIL, if you're talking etiquette, it is the parents of the bride who should be the hosts at a wedding so why isn't MIL's brother/sister making arrangements for her if she needs them? At my BIL's wedding one of the aunts was near-crippled with arthritis and heaven and earth was moved by MIL to make sure that she could attend and be made comfortable - no-one expected the bride to do this!

I'm not sure why you're taking this out on your cousin but you seem determined to be affronted. Perhaps you don't like her very much...

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 16:27

Just say no. I find evening only invites rude. Always will. So, if we get one, we say no.

We eloped, too.

florascotia · 02/06/2013 16:27

This won't help OP but not that long ago I went to a wedding that rather neatly avoided the alleged ishoo here. Guests were invited: 'please come to x church at x time (mid afternoon)', and also to an evening party 'please come to a dance at x at xx pm'. After the religious ceremony ended, absolutely everybody in the church was invited to share coffee and delicious fancy cakes and chocolates, served in the church itself, all arranged on prettily-decorated tables. Children (lots, all ages) zoomed around or let off steam in the churchyard; there was much handshaking and many kisses and a great deal of catch-up chatter. The bride and groom circulated and got a chance to welcome their guests.

After about 45 minutes or so, some formal wedding photos were taken and the guests all drifted off gradually, to have an early light supper at home or in local restaurants with relatives or friends. At the evening party, there were copious drinks and nibbles, a few short speeches and much music and dancing. To me, it all seemed very friendly and welcoming. And no-one was offended.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 16:32

Or have the wedding at 4 or 5PM and then buffet and party right after. This whole idea of having a 'breakfast' sit-down dinner (usually with dried out chicken or tough beef and never really good food) seems an old 'tradition' that costs too much and would be better off going the way of the dinosaur.

higgle · 02/06/2013 16:35

Sometimes we get invited to a wedding reception, sometimes to the evening do. I'm pleased to be invited to either, but sometimes decline just an evening invite if it involves long travel and we don't know many of the other guests ( still send a present) The one thing that would really upset me is if I didn't get the add on "you are welcome at the church..." OP, it is the bride and groom's day, it is inconceivable that they intended to upset you, you have gone completely "guestzilla" about the whole thing.

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 16:39

That's a very good idea, flora :) A wedding afternoon tea, which apparently should be called breakfast ... OP would still be whining about having to get her own supper, though, I bet.

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 16:42

Or have the wedding at 4 or 5PM and then buffet and party right after.

I did this. Mainly because I'd been traumatised by above-mentioned "long gap" weddings!

outtolunchagain · 02/06/2013 16:44

Its called a wedding breakfast because in the days when you had a wedding mass you were meant to fast before the service and so the wedding breakfast was the first meal after the fasting

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/06/2013 16:47

Well, I'm nearly the same age as the OP. My cousin (one of 20+ on my side and I don't know how many on her other side; both her parents have very big families) is getting married very soon. We have been invited and are delighted to go. DM is nearly 80 and on her own. She has been invited to the whole thing, but she has sorted out everything herself. She is going earlier than us as she is doing something for the wedding, but no one is holding her hand. She might be nearly 80, but she can still drive and sort herself out; she doesn't need us to do that for her.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 16:48

Yes, well, out, it's now 2013. Those were the days when people didn't live together before marriage but now a vast number of weddings are those of couples who already have children together.

It's lunch and no one's fasting except maybe those who still entertain this ridiculous, out-dated two-tier wedding style.

expatinscotland · 02/06/2013 16:49

'She might be nearly 80, but she can still drive and sort herself out; she doesn't need us to do that for her.'

That's grand. Plenty of people that age, however, have health problems, mobility issues or decreased mental capacity that means they require assistance.