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AIBU?

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Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 13:11

QuintessentialOldDear - it's 18-20 just from the bride's dad's side - OP hasn't mentioned if the bride has cousins from her Mum's side, or if the groom has any. And she's assuming that several couples won't go and that the unmarried ones don't have a partner to bring...

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 13:12

There must be someone already going to the whole day who could take MIL. OP has consistently ignored this. I suspect because her dh wants to take her and is going to take her and this mountain is, in fact, really a molehill.

But, back to that gift list...

Hulababy · 02/06/2013 13:12

I don't like two tier weddings really as it is very clear who are who, and you are clearly not valued enough to be at all. I think that in cases where you can't afford to invite everyone to everything you should replan the wedding accordingly. However, it seems to be the done thing these days.

We have a similar invite in a couple of weeks - church service and then the evening do, but not the meal in the middle. We are just turning up for the night bit, and DH is going to drive home rather than book a hotel. It's middle of nowhere, not many accommodation options anyway, and not much to do in the middle of the day for a few hours, whilst all dressed up, especially if it was a wet or cold day.

NorthernLurker · 02/06/2013 13:23

I'm rather hoping the bride sees this thread. Then she can save a few bob on attendances at the evening do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/06/2013 13:26

OP... I've noticed that you use a lot of 'celeb' terminology. It's strange to see. Nobody has put you on a 'B' list and you have received a 'proper' invite to the evening event. You seem to think that there's some kind of pecking order and that you've been slighted to not be invited to the whole day.

I don't think there's been any expectation on you or your husband to ferry your MIL around... but that's not really what your gripe is, is it? You don't feel that you're of importance because the invite doesn't meet your expectations of what an important guest should receive.

Do you want to attend this event or not? That's the only question you really need to answer for yourself.

QuintessentialOldDear · 02/06/2013 13:27

She can spend the money she saved on the evening invites on gold cutlery for the tables and higher quality bows on the seat covers for the breakfast! Wink

StrawberryMojito · 02/06/2013 13:29

I don't understand why, at a family wedding, your MIL must be your responsibility. Why can't you call brides parents and say that you'd love to come to the evening do and ask who is going to escort MIL in your absence. Put the onus in them, they will have to sort it and you can have a free day.

jellybeans · 02/06/2013 13:31

We got invited to a child free evening do miles away from a family member. I didn't go but DH went alone. I wouldn't get childcare etc overnight and drive miles for something starting at 7pm! Have been to a few evening dos in the area and they are usually friends/workmates acquaintances etc not family who live miles away! Some people are rude/ignorant etc. Ah well luckily I don't care about going to weddings so don't mind missing them if too far/silly.

clam · 02/06/2013 13:33

jellybeans This thread isn't about the wedding being child-free. The OP accepts that.

clam · 02/06/2013 13:35

If you've been married 23 years and are in your early 50s, and this cousin is getting married for the first time at, I'm guessing, early 30s (?) how close can she and your dh be?

Sirzy · 02/06/2013 13:36

Is it really rude/ignorant to have your wedding how you want it and where you want it?

The only thing that would be rude is getting angry at people if they declined the invite.

bamboostalks · 02/06/2013 13:36

Do not get a 'gracious, present. You're a mug if you do.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 13:38

Jellybeans - how old are your DCs? do people who have evening only invites actually bring DCs with them? Normally evening dos are childfree even if the daytime reception was with DCs... In the same way I would assume a daytime invite to someone's house would be whole family (eg. a bbq or lunch), but a dinner in the evening is rarely "bring your kids" unless it's a sleep over situation.

MrsWolowitz · 02/06/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 13:44

I feel your pain, married. I've been to two weddings like this and they were out in the sticks, so literally nothing to do in the 'missing' four or five hours! At one, we ended up sitting in the bar having snacks and drinks with the other sub-guests, while the 'real' wedding party dined two rooms away!

My opinion, since you asked, is that your DH's "exceptional grace" is the way to go. You'll be in London, it's not a case of wandering about forlornly - find something you'll both really enjoy to do; make a fantastic day of it.

All weddings involve some discomfort. Ours is not to get all arsey about the way they've decided to celebrate their marriage, just to make sure we have a lovely time anyway Wink

jellybeans · 02/06/2013 13:45

My 5 DCs were aged between about 2 and 14. I agree evening do's are often adult only, I have been to many in my area or within a shortish drive without the DC-but they were friends or more distant family or those having small weddings. Babysitter no problem in that situation. But in the case of evening do many hours away it would need 4-5 hrs drive there by 7pm and 4-5 hrs back -so overnight stay and childcare for 24 hrs pretty much-for 5 DC that is a lot to ask. This was actually close family in a way too (it is complicated as DH has 'two families') which is probably why it peed me off so much! I just wouldn't expect someone to travel all that way for a disco/buffet ..especially if they are family.

clam · 02/06/2013 13:47

This is not about child-free weddings!!!!!

LindyHemming · 02/06/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antisecco · 02/06/2013 14:09

when he leaves the posh hotel for two hour walk about in his tail coat

But you said earlier on that he was going to work (which would seem to be a sensible use of otherwise dead time...)

If You were a heckler OP at a stand up gig, the guy/gal on stage would be sending thanks to whomsoever for having sent them such a gracious wonderful gift!

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 14:21

Hmm, I noticed that you said in all your years you have never seen a wedding conducted like this before.

Then you said your decorator did it the same way. Discrepancy.

Now I've just realised that someone else upthread (sorry totally confused about who posted what now) has already pointed this out.

And you didn't respond to it.

Also, loads and loads of posts have asked you why your dh is the only person able to ferry MIL about, despite the whole wedding party being made up of close family.

You didn't respond to this either.

Have you run out of steam OP?

squeakytoy · 02/06/2013 14:43

Blimey.. have just read all of this and finding the OP to be a bit of a Hyacinth Bucket..

Its not YOUR wedding love.. its someone elses, and I feel bloody sorry for them after reading this.

Most people I know get married in venues rather than churches these days, so the opportunity to watch the wedding itself and then just go along to the night reception is not possible, but I have been to many weddings where you could go to the church, watch the ceremony, then go to the reception in the evening, having not been invited to the sit down meal which is usually just for close family and bridesmaids etc.

outtolunchagain · 02/06/2013 14:43

I understand where you are coming from OP ,I suspect this is a smart wedding eg Westminster Abbey/Cathedral,Farm Street ,St Pauls?

Are you absolutely sure that the B and G haven't already got arrangements in place for your MIL,they may have all bases covered .We invited elderly guests and whilst we didn't communicate it in the invitation (that would have been rude and patronising) we were fully prepared with a plan should they attend

As to etiquette ;as this was the model adopted by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge for their wedding it has probably now become accepted as appropriate .

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 02/06/2013 14:56

I'm really confused as to why one of MIL's other 13 grandchildren isn't taking her? Why don't you email them all and say "MIL's going to the wedding and needs help, we're only going to the evening do, can someone who is going all day please arrange to look after her?"

We went to a wedding like this recently, it was great. We took the children with us to the service, which was very very lovely, scoffed cake outside afterwards, went home, mowed the lawn, fed the children, left them with a babysitter and went to the evening do. Most civilised.

I always feel a bit sorry for the poor beggars who have to go and sit through a stuffy meal and a load of speeches. I quite enjoy the chance to meet up with all the old friends who are also missing the reception, and go and have a lovely day out.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/06/2013 15:01

I'm now pretty sure the invitation was very deliberately worded, because, the bride doesn't want you to come.

She knew you'd be offended and take umbrage and never wanted you there really but her father forced in peggy Mitchell style [its famiiiillly love - what would your nan say?!]

SirRaymondClench · 02/06/2013 15:01

Don't go if its going to give you IBS like this!
If it was my wedding I would retract my invite because you sound like a real pain in the arse!