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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Binkybix · 02/06/2013 12:52

Oh come on 'with exceptional good grace! Have you spoken to other members of family who will be there, or are you determined to be a matyr about this when it may not be necessary?

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:52

Lol at the sad face lrd Grin

Sirzy · 02/06/2013 12:52

Just read the ops comments so sorry if I am repeating.
But the breakfast is limited to 100 people, cousins and spouses account for 24 people so in effect the OP wishes for that one part of the brides family to take up 1/4 of the space available? That's before aunts and uncles and the grooms family

Jan49 · 02/06/2013 12:53

I think it's unfortunate that you weren't invited to the same parts of the wedding as your MIL but it may be that the B & G have no idea that getting there would be a problem for your MIL. At a big wedding there will probably be quite a few elderly relatives but I wouldn't see it as the B & G's responsibility to sort out travel arrangements for them. You seem to have decided that your MIL is a VIP guest because she's the eldest (eldest sibling of the bride's aunts and uncles?) but I wouldn't expect anyone else to see it that way. She's one of many relatives invited to a wedding.

And what on earth does your working FT have to do with anything? If you expect a couple to have a quick wedding to avoid wasting too much of their guests' precious free time for one day only, then probably you're not that interested in going to their wedding anyway.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:53

Ooh, yes. I fancy that massive hat Kate Winslet wears at the start of Titanic. But I'd look like a walking mushroom. With a rather plump stalk.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:54

It's ok, getorf. In the light of your comment I'm busily reinventing myself as the tarty wedding guest who drinks too much cava and has to be carried off the dance floor after screaming for more Abba. I think I can pull it off.

Jan49 · 02/06/2013 12:55

Not to mention, how on earth does someone have a wedding breakfast in the afternoon? If it's in the afternoon it isn't breakfast. Unless they're going to be served cereal and toast... Which would probably be nicer than the food at most weddings I've been to.Smile

daftdame · 02/06/2013 12:55

Did anybody see the Kath and Kim episode at the races with fascinators?

Now that's how to behave badly! Grin

clam · 02/06/2013 12:56

Because that's what Debrett's calls it!

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:56

Perhaps the wedding is on a weekday, needing a day's leave to be taken.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 12:56

DH will take his mother to the church; and escort her to and from the meal. He will play his part with exceptional grace and if a family member says "oh where are you going" when he leaves the posh hotel for two hour walk about in his tail coat, he will be far too ppolite to say, "I'd love to join you but I wasn't invited". He will collect his mother and take her somewhere for tea and a rest then head on to the east End for the evening reception. I shall join them at that.

Excellent! This way everyone is happy. MIL gets her son running around after her, he gets to jump to it when she wants something, the bridge & groom get to have a lovely day without being judged and you get to feel all smug and superior.

Everyone's a winner Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:56

It dates back to the times when you'd have a wedding mass (ie., the Eucharist as part of the service). You were meant to fast before the Eucharist, so the next thing you ate would be breaking your fast.

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 12:56

Hopefully they won't get married again LRD

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:57

I generally am the tarty wedding guest who drinks too much and is a show up Sad

Wedding breakfast, first meal the bride and grim eat no matter what the time of day, I think it's the rather traditional term for it, sounds a bit quaint.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 12:58

Haha bride and grim

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 12:58

Ooh, I am looking forward to the 29th then! Grin

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2013 13:01

Kath and Kim at the races. Probably a pretty accurate portrayal of the general admission area on Melbourne Cup Day.

But not those of us in the marquees darlink. We may end up carrying our shoes, but our hats always look good.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 13:03

Interesting that you start off by saying you've never had an invite like this in 53years, then say that you had one last summer, but that was ok because it was closer to where you live?! And that it was family only for the wedding breakfast - whereas it seems this couple have decided to prioritise people they spend time with over extended family they only see at family events.

Do the bride and groom have a connection to the church they are getting married in or to the area in East London where the evening reception is being held? East London seems an odd choice unless it's say, close to where they live/one set of parents live and/or the bulk of their guests do... You say they are after a society wedding, but IME it's very hard to get married in posh central London churches unless you have some sort of connection to that church, as others have said, you might find this is nothing to do with wanting to do a posh do, but wanting to have their wedding in a church that means something to them.

Fairenuff · 02/06/2013 13:05

Consulate.

Menthol.

QuintessentialOldDear · 02/06/2013 13:05

To be honest, I see where you are coming from. Even if they have followed etiquette in their invitations, they have not really shown much courtesy, which I also find quite - if not rude then at least thoughtless.

They have limited numbers to 100 for the breakfast, but in doing so excluded 18-20 people who are close family (Yes, I think cousins are close), and these 18-20 people are the most likely ones to be able to help ensure elderly relatives are well cared for and looked after. By excluding the cousins, they are making it more difficult than it has to be for some guests, and perhaps also quite lone for the most elderly family members - there will virtually be mostly strangers at the breakfast...

On the other hand...

My father has been invited to many weddings the last 10 years, however, nobody expects him to attend. (They know they will get a generous present if he is invited Wink ) If they really expected him to attend, they would have ensured the venue had wheel chair access, they would have called him to inquire about his needs, if he has transport, they would have made arrangements for another family member to assist him. His invitations are usually followed by a deadly silence from family until after the wedding is over. Hmm

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 13:05

Wedding in the savoy. Then they have run out of money and then have to go to a pub function room in Barking.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 13:06

Grin at faire.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/06/2013 13:06

Do you know they now do a really modern dual function fag, it is a normal fag and then you press a button on the filter and it magically turns into a menthol one. I had one the other day.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2013 13:08

And I still don't understand why you aren't suggesting your MIL calls her DB and asks if any of the other relatives are going so she could travel with them. If your DH wants to play martyr to his mum rather than suggesting she finds out first if there's already other people who'd be happy to travel with her, then that's not the B&G's fault.

Plus, if your MIL isn't likely to speak to her own brother or any other siblings (or is it just the two of them who've produced 14 DC between them? In which case I'd be thinking your DH isn't an only child so why is it falling to him to sort?), or your DH talk to his Aunts/Uncles between now and the wedding, you can't really be claiming to be close family.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/06/2013 13:08

I was thinking, that's no way to describe Prince Andrew, for a minute there.

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