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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No wedding invite - AIBU? (LONG)

108 replies

MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:08

This happened a month or so back, so pretty over it now but curious to see what everyone else's opinions are. I'm not going to lose a friend over it as such, but felt offended.

My friend has been planning to get married for around a year now and actually got married last month. I got pregnant last year in July and he and his partner were trying for a baby at the time, but that's a completely different thread. He didn't speak to me for a while as he was annoyed about me being pregnant. Now he and I have been friends for 10 years, since we were both 13 and are fairly close as friends go.

His partner doesn't like me very much and hasn't came up with a good reason why and this is partially why I think I didn't get an invite, or at least the real reason. My other friends got invites to their wedding a few months before the wedding and I didn't receive one. I jokingly asked if he really wanted me to come to the wedding and he said, "I presume you couldn't come because of the baby" However, I hadn't told him the exact date she was due. I also explained that I would be OK to come to the church for an hour or so, as Mum was helping me out with the little lady. She would've been 5 weeks old, but she was eating every 3 hours and was/is being fed bm and ff. He just said "Oh" and left it at that.

My partner also didn't get an invite, who is also his friend. I wasn't sure why, as surely he could go but not me, which I mentioned to my friend, but he just ignored me.

Now his Mum hasn't been feeling well and had a medical scare a few months ago and has been very stressed. I commented on her status on Facebook (I know, FB is the devil) as we are all adults and she is on my friends list as I get on well with her. She said she was stressed in a status and I commented, 'If you ever want to talk' I didn't specify about anything in particular, I just left the offer open. This was a few weeks ago, a few days before wedding. I then got a message from aforementioned friends wife to be saying (direct quote without the swearword in full "F**k off it nothing to do with you"). I hadn't mentioned anything specific at all, so I told her to back off and stop showing herself to be the brat that she is acting.

Then my friend messaged me and wanted to be friends. His partner is now pregnant and I dread their parenting skills because neither cleans around the house and they are planning to leave their 2 week old baby (rough due date) back with his parents whilst they go on holiday to America for 2 weeks.

AIBU to think just because his girlfriend doesn't like me that it's not nice to not be invited to his wedding, as he had always stated we would go and I doubt my daughter is the real excuse?

I know it sounds petty, but as we have been friends for so long I'd've loved to have been there on his big day. I don't like his girlfriend but have always been really nice to her and offered to go dress shopping with her and everything, so I've never given her an obvious reason to dislike me.

Sorry this was so long! Ask any extra questions you need to. Sorry it seems to be a minor thing, but it did bug me. AIBU?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 31/05/2013 23:11

YABU - leave them alone, they have made their choice.

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:13

Now he is talking to me again and wants me to go round and talk baby stuff - I just don't know how he could put up with someone so controlling. It's his choice to accept it though. Just no invite to our wedding will be forthcoming I'm afraid. I don't mean that to be petty, but if he's like that and she's like that I don't want any drama at my wedding.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 31/05/2013 23:15

"I dread their parenting skills because neither cleans around the house and they are planning to leave their 2 week old baby (rough due date) back with his parents whilst they go on holiday to America for 2 weeks."

Hmm What exactly does it have to do with you?

Dannilion · 31/05/2013 23:18

YABU. It was her wedding. Surely you can't think that your friendship was worth more to him than keeping his new wife happy on their wedding day?

There's obviously some underlying issue that you're unaware of. For all you know he could have said your name 'during' and her blood boils every time she hears about you!

stiffstink · 31/05/2013 23:19

In what context did you jokingly ask if he wanted you to come to the wedding? Seems pushy, as does the wedding dress shopping.

Dannilion · 31/05/2013 23:20

And you don't like her either. I certainly wouldn't want to pay for someone who didn't like me to come to my wedding.

stiffstink · 31/05/2013 23:23

And how come you've needed her to come up with a "good reason" for not liking you? Whats all that about?

BackforGood · 31/05/2013 23:23

If the bride doesn't like someone, why would they expect to be invited to their wedding ? Confused

Aren't you just doing the same, anyway ?

Am I missing something ???

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:24

"Stunt* Not me as an individual, but obviously if the baby doesn't get changed and have clean sterilised stuff, that's not healthy for the baby. I have no problem with them doing it for themselves but you can't say you don't care if a baby gets sick from it, can you?

Danmillion I hadn't done anything to her though. Plus, it's his wedding as well. I wouldn't dream of telling my partner a friend of his couldn't come, even if I didn't really like him or her. Isn't that really mean? If her blood boils hearing my name, there is honestly nothing I have done as always been nice to her, invited her round for dinner (that I was going to cook) etc so can't be that mean, surely? Plus her being rude about me talking to my friends Mum is really nothing to do with her surely, as it's not related to her at all?

Stiff As I hadn't heard about the date. A few months beforehand he was talking about the wedding and where to have it etc and I jokingly asked as in 'Haven't heard anything since then' kind of thing. The wedding dresses was because she's a bit of a tomboy and said to me she has no idea what kind of thing to get. So I offered to go with her to see it from someone elses perspective, kinda thing. At the time she said yeah she might take me up on that. She has always been polite to my face you see, but bitched about me to my partner and to my friend.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 31/05/2013 23:26

You don't sound like a very nice friend tbh.

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:27

Danmillion If it was my partners friend and I didn't like them, I'd still pay for them to come to the wedding if it made them happy, isn't that what compromise is all about?

Stiff Well surely you can't dislike someone for no reason. When I say good reason, I mean no obvious reason, as never been nasty to her.

Back If my partner wanted her at our wedding, I'd grin and bare it for his sake. In fact, I don't like her but am prepared to be nice to her even now, because I'm not a nasty person. Was just saddened that couldn't be to my friends wedding as thought we were good friends and feel his partner pushed him to stop speaking to me/for me to go to the wedding. She has hinted that as much.

OP posts:
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 31/05/2013 23:28

TBH, given what you've said in your post I'm not sure why you would want to go to the wedding anyway Confused

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:29

Smite What have I done that makes me a not very nice friend?

--I am prepared to try again with this woman who has insulted me behind my back to my partner and friend and who has possibly told my friend not to talk to me, which is vindictive surely?
--I have offered to cook her and friend a meal.
--She is scared about the baby situation and I have offered to support them in any way I can, though of course I am worried about the baby I am willing to help them in any way I can.
--I would gladly have helped out at the wedding and if cost was difficult, would've paid for my own meal, no problem. To me it's about being their for my friend, who I have known for ages.

I may be being naïve, but how does any of this make me a bad friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:30

InVienna My friend is normally a really nice guy who is a good laugh and who I have known for a long time. We have gone through many things as friends and would loved to have been there to support him and be happy with him on his special day.

OP posts:
chirpchirp · 31/05/2013 23:31

YABU.

You know that the bride, for whatever reason, doesn't like you. I wouldn't invite someone I didn't like to my wedding. Your partner didn't get an invite because that would have created a shit storm in that he would be invited and you weren't, easier not to invite either of you. The happy couple can invite or not invite anyone they want. This is the main reason I didn't invite anyone and fucked off to Mexico instead.

And as long as they leave their child with a responsible adult it's really none of your business when or where they go on holiday. It wouldn't be a choice I'd make but it's also none of my business.

Your comment re their parenting skills is uncalled for and mean. My house is rarely immaculate, doesn't mean I don't love the bones off my child.

emsyj · 31/05/2013 23:32

"I don't like her but am prepared to be nice to her"

Um, she knows you don't like her. And so does he. Therefore you are not one of their friends and, as such, were not invited to the wedding.

Hope that makes it a bit clearer for you?

Dannilion · 31/05/2013 23:32

Maybe she sees through your fake invites and PA crap and that's the reason she doesn't like you. And maybe, just maybe he didn't care that much about whether you were there or not because the wedding was about them and not you.

I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding DP didn't like, that's a compromise. I know who I'd rather upset.

TheSecondComing · 31/05/2013 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:35

Chirp If he didn't want me there too I'd agree with you but what happens when one wants someone to go and the other one doesn't? Surely you'd grin and bare it for a day. You wouldn't just ask your partner to cut someone out of their life unless they did something godawful?

I agree it doesn't have anything to do with me I just have an 8 week old and just couldn't imagine leaving her now, let alone at 2 weeks old, with someone else as I'd miss out on my bonding time. That probably was uncalled for, but I just couldn't imagine doing it y'know? The cleaning thing I mean as in changing the baby/sterilising bottles because that could make them ill if they aren't kept hygienic. If they aren't hygienic it's not a problem at all but a baby?

I am honestly not trying to be mean, I wish someone could see that.

OP posts:
emsyj · 31/05/2013 23:37

"I am honestly not trying to be mean"

Ok, if you say so...

Why not just find some friends that you actually like, and who like you? Might make your life easier.

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:42

emsy actually no, he doesn't know nor does she. I am perfectly polite and nice to her and have never stated a dislike for her and he has never asked about my dislike of her and he would've if he picked up on it, that's just how he is.

Danimillion Invites not fake. I was hoping by getting to know her better I could see some of the nice qualities my friend has seen of her. I asked everyone's opinions on here just out of curiosity. Pretty much all my friends have agreed she's been unreasonable, even my friend has apologised so I can't just be some fake person. I think it's a bit rubbish to presume that about someone you don't know. I'm just asking for an opinion, not an outright slatting iyswim. I also think he does care as we've been through a lot as mates and he said a few months before he was really looking forward to having us there, he was even considering asking my partner to be best man which I thought was sweet. If he didn't want me there he could've said as long as he was polite about it I'd've said 'that's ok, as long as it's what you want' I really would. Anyone who knows me in rl knows I am a non judgmental person. Maybe I would just be more willing to make my partner happy on his big day. After all if he's happy, I am. How mean of me!

TheSecond Sorry that happened to you. I bet it was quite hurtful, but some people can be manipulative over their partners. It's his choice to put up with it though I guess. I am just :( because I wanted to be able to share it with him and see him happy on his big day and I don't see that as me being a bad friend. I must be missing out on something I have done...

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:43

emsy I wouldn't say I wasn't trying to be mean and not mean it, what a silly comment to make, honestly!

I've said already I like him and he likes me, therefore he is a friend that we both mutually like. I got a missed call from him tonight really wanting to talk, hardly something you do if you dislike someone...

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 31/05/2013 23:44

You obviously think very little of your friend if you think he'll neglect his own child.

emsyj · 31/05/2013 23:46

OP, I'm sorry to break it to you but fake 'niceness' is very very easy to spot for 99% of people. If you don't like someone it's not an easy thing to conceal. Everything you have said here suggests that she knows you don't like her.

Given that you don't get along with this man's soon to be wife, you must accept that his loyalty lies with her and not you. She doesn't want you at her wedding. He wants her to be happy. You are not their focus here, and nor should you be.

Original poster
MyLittleAprilSunshine · 31/05/2013 23:48

Stunt This is it I don't think he'd deliberately do it, he just doesn't know any better and doesn't seem to completely understand what it entails to be a parent. I know he would never intentionally do anything of the sort.

emsy But like I have said, I have invited them over to get to know the nice parts of her personality so haven't been outright disliking her until this wedding stuff. Beforehand, I was just a little dubious but nothing major - certainly gave her the benefit of the doubt. The not talking to his Mum thing just blew me over on the 'she's a bitch' radar, because how is that right in any whichway?

OP posts:
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