No wedding invite - AIBU? (LONG)

[MyLittleAprilSunshine]

This happened a month or so back, so pretty over it now but curious to see what everyone else's opinions are. I'm not going to lose a friend over it as such, but felt offended.

My friend has been planning to get married for around a year now and actually got married last month. I got pregnant last year in July and he and his partner were trying for a baby at the time, but that's a completely different thread. He didn't speak to me for a while as he was annoyed about me being pregnant. Now he and I have been friends for 10 years, since we were both 13 and are fairly close as friends go.

His partner doesn't like me very much and hasn't came up with a good reason why and this is partially why I think I didn't get an invite, or at least the real reason. My other friends got invites to their wedding a few months before the wedding and I didn't receive one. I jokingly asked if he really wanted me to come to the wedding and he said, "I presume you couldn't come because of the baby" However, I hadn't told him the exact date she was due. I also explained that I would be OK to come to the church for an hour or so, as Mum was helping me out with the little lady. She would've been 5 weeks old, but she was eating every 3 hours and was/is being fed bm and ff. He just said "Oh" and left it at that.

My partner also didn't get an invite, who is also his friend. I wasn't sure why, as surely he could go but not me, which I mentioned to my friend, but he just ignored me.

Now his Mum hasn't been feeling well and had a medical scare a few months ago and has been very stressed. I commented on her status on Facebook (I know, FB is the devil) as we are all adults and she is on my friends list as I get on well with her. She said she was stressed in a status and I commented, 'If you ever want to talk' I didn't specify about anything in particular, I just left the offer open. This was a few weeks ago, a few days before wedding. I then got a message from aforementioned friends wife to be saying (direct quote without the swearword in full "F**k off it nothing to do with you"). I hadn't mentioned anything specific at all, so I told her to back off and stop showing herself to be the brat that she is acting.

Then my friend messaged me and wanted to be friends. His partner is now pregnant and I dread their parenting skills because neither cleans around the house and they are planning to leave their 2 week old baby (rough due date) back with his parents whilst they go on holiday to America for 2 weeks.

AIBU to think just because his girlfriend doesn't like me that it's not nice to not be invited to his wedding, as he had always stated we would go and I doubt my daughter is the real excuse?

I know it sounds petty, but as we have been friends for so long I'd've loved to have been there on his big day. I don't like his girlfriend but have always been really nice to her and offered to go dress shopping with her and everything, so I've never given her an obvious reason to dislike me.

Sorry this was so long! Ask any extra questions you need to. Sorry it seems to be a minor thing, but it did bug me. AIBU?

I think YANBU and it's understandable you're right. I think you're owed an apology and explanation from your friend.

My DH invited a friend who I didn't like to our wedding but I didn't disagree because he is his friend. His friend didn't even bring a card!

If you're happy to walk away then I would but if you want to stay friends with them then I think you should tell him exactly why you're hurt so he has a chance to fix it.

I think you should just stay away from them both. He's not your friend. He stopped speaking to you because you got pregnant FFS. He sounds like a child.

Jolly good pictish, very normal and mature comments.

I also agree that he has behaved badly here and that the friendship has reached a natural end.

Am really surprised at people who would accept being told/asked not to invite a good friend to their wedding because they just didn't get on with their partner.

Ok. I have a slightly different take on this. you have said that your friends DW is controlling. Having read your OP again, I am beginning to think that in fact, it is your friend who is controlling. It strikes me that HE is the one who was angry with you when you became pregnant. Also, who is reporting that she is insulting you behind your back? I am afraid I suspect that HE is actually doing or saying things to his DW that place you in a poor light for whatever reason. I think it was HIM that didn't want you at his wedding - it really doesn't stack up that he would think you couldn't attend because of the baby if he is really planning to leave his own newborn child for a holiday as soon after the birth as you say. Frankly, I would be giving both of them a very wide berth from now on.

Whatever you decide to do WRT the friendship, I agree with others here that it is NOT your place to be voicing your concerns about their ability to look after their child and keep it safe. My home is not, and never has been, clinically clean - it is not a filthy tip but it is not a show-home either. My own children made it safely and successfully to adulthood despite the odd bit of dust and being FF. And like your friend, when my eldest was born, I also had no idea how to change a nappy, sterilise a bottle,prepare a feed etc. But I (and DH) very quickly learnt. I would have been mightily offended if a friend, even a close one, had tried to coma across as an 'expert' having just had their own first baby not long before I had mine. So, if you decide to move forward with the friendship, you absolutely must keep your thoughts about their parenting to yourself unless specifically asked. And even then, I would suggest you try to be supportive rather than prescriptive in what you say.

I do not think YA at all U to have been hurt, but I do think you may be blaming the wrong person.

He sounds like a cock tbh. A wimpy flaccid one at that. His wife was pissed off that he had a close female friend, even more pissed off that you got pregnant before her and clearly enraged that you dared to have any kind of relationship with her future MIL.

Your so called friend doesn't have the balls to assert himself. For that alone I'd distance myself but having the brass neck to ask you for baby stuff

Don't engage, ignore and move on. The're is nothing you can do. Your very existence is enough to piss this lady off. He's her husband now, and for whatever reason that means he can't or won't be your friend any more. Stop obsessing and let them get on with it, and do not give them baby stuff! Grabby buggers!

I agree with pictish your friend treated you terribly when you were pregnant and his DW sounds a complete cow. I don't think you've done anything wrong, we all have a person/people in our lives we don't particularly like but have to be civil with for the sake of a loved ones happiness, so good on you for trying with someone who quite frankly sounds like an insanely jealous nut bag!

You're best off taking that step back and letting him get on with it, he sounds like he's not sure what he wants from you so don't hang around while he decides if he can be your friend or not!

As so often the case, OP, this thread is full of perfect people who never make judgements about others, take every slight or insult on the chin and are filled with nothing but benign good wishes for others, however badly those others may have behaved towards them. I would love to know where these perfect people live, because I never seem to meet them in real life.

OP, my guess is that the DW is jealous of her husband's close friendship with another woman. That's quite common, I'm afraid. Unfortunately if she really doesn't like you, and you don't like her, that's never going to bode well for your friendship with her husband. He will always show loyalty to her above you. So you probably need to call time on the friendship and move on, however sad that is.

Who here, truly and honestly, would want their husbands female friend who they didn't like to come to their wedding?

It depends xylem, if the wife genuinely didn't like OP due to personality clash or whatever then she may have been justified in not being comfortable having her there. To me however, it appears that the wife dislikes her simply for being a female friend. That is unreasonable and controlling.

If I had disliked my DH's female friend simply for being female I would have missed out on a great friend myself. It doesn't sound as though the friends wife has given OP a chance to be either like or disliked for herself, she's been excluded on no basis whatsoever aside from being the opposite gender to her friend and having the cheek to fall pregnant.

I would feel damned ashamed of myself if I excluded one of DH's friends from an important even in his life because I felt insecure.

I would. I would accept that she was part of his life/the crowd and that she would just meld into the background at the wedding....and also that I wouldn't actually have to worry about her being there, because I would be far too busy enjoying myself to care.

Unless I was jealous, immature and petty, then I might make a big childish point of leaving her out, like the twat I would be.

...if I were to do that. Which I wouldn't.

Pathetic.

Me? We invited male friends of his I wasn't keen on. It wouldn't be very grown up (certainly not grown up enough to be getting married!) if I treated women friends differently. Actually I did, I was a bit like the bride in this situation, and there was a good friend of my husband that was rather prickly about things. If course she came - she was a great friend of my husband.

Xylem - as said earlier, I did because a) I recognise that just because I didn't get on with someone, doesn't mean DH can't and it would make him unhappy to be made to exclude a friend from his wedding b) it's not a big deal to have one or two people there you don't get on with. Just be polite. C) I don't think that DH and I have to have a shared list of approved friends.

If one of DH's friends had been unpleasant towards me, for example, then I might feel differently, but I can't see this from the info given in the post. It seems to be a case of the wife taking against the OP because she's a female friend, which is pathetic.

I too would feel really ashamed if I excluded someone just because I was jealous of them or hadn't taken to them.

So would I Binky.
I'm stronger than that.

I also tend to agree with pictish - your friend has behaved disgracefully! Personally OP, I would be taking a huge step back from this friendship, it is painfully clear that he does not hold you in the same regard your hold him. A person who will flat out ignore you because 'you have something they want' (in this case it was pregnancy), is not the kind of self centred prick you need in your life. As the saying goes; with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Firstly, no it wasn't right to not invite you to the wedding. That's not what you do to friends.

OTOH you don't like his wife - and despite your insistence that you've always been polite, it's probably very obvious to her that you disapprove and don't like her. So TBH I'm not surprised she's less than friendly in return. Your efforts towards her are obviously not genuine as you're saying unpleasant things behind her back, staying on your high horse and are making no effort to find anything good in her.

I think it might be a jealously thing too. She may be jealous that he has a very close relationship with another female. She may think he had feeling for you previously and you're the one who got away and she's second best. And yeah the pregnancy thing doesn't help. I think her telling you to "f*ck off" when posting on her future MIL FB status is totally uncalled for. Very rude. There is more to this than meets the eye i think. But she is your friends wife and personally i would back off and realise that you don't like each other, and let the freindship slide. Some friendships are for life and some change. It is sad sometimes to have to let go. But sometimes you have to in order to protect yourself. btw. i would do the same - invite people i don't like to my wedding if my partner was friends with them, but she really seemed to have a bee in her bonnet with you. Like i said, something going on that you don't know about.

Raven I offered to go shopping with her as she said she's not good with dresses, so was trying to be of help I thought she was hinting she wanted a hand. I also have known his Mum for years and gone to barbecues at their house, gone over for his sisters birthday etc so me offering to talk to his Mum as she was feeling down isn't really that weird is it?

I do agree though with several people saying it may seem I was being self righteous but I'd never deliberately come across that way. If you knew me you'd know I really care about people and just want to help.

Little No we didn't sleep together but he did fancy me for a few years, but his feelings for me have been totally friendship based since 16, which is 7 years. He confides in me because he knows I wont tell all our other friends, nor will I judge him. He has told her he used to fancy me but definitely doesn't anymore. I don't mind either way if he confides in me or not. It's nice to know he trusts me though.

Captain I offered to be there if she wanted to talk... If being the word. Like I have said above I have gone to barbecues at their house, visited his house and gone to her daughters birthday party as well as her sons, obviously. We get along and I know she has been stressed. If she didn't want to accept the offer I understand but what's so wrong with me offering to be there. Not being rude but I think you're nitpicking on something very stupid. I may seem like I interfere but as he confides in me and tells me his worries and wants help, I hardly see me being there to help him as being a busybody. If he didn't want my advice/help he'd surely not ask for it. Like stated above I have a little baby, it's not like I have loads of time to nose into others business. However, I wanted to be there for a friend.
Because my friend normally comes to me for advice about most things and I have recently had a child so as well as his Mum I'd be a valid choice as most of their other friends don't have children. My friend wants to talk about the practicality with the baby with me, so obviously he wants some advice?
Being nice and trying to see some of the things my friend fell in love with her for. After all I don't know her really well, so wanted to get to know her well and help out as best I can. I didn't want to put my friend in an awkward situation where he feels I dislike his girlfriend and not even made an effort.

Mynew My friend shouldn't ask for my advice and ask me to come over and help with things if he doesn't want me to 'interfere'. How can I help without being involved. Again, everyone else seems to think AIBU that I know in real life so I must be missing a certain detail that you can pick up, or they are naïve. All of them.

Apocolypse No, I mean if they prove me wrong and do great I would be delighted. If not, I am sure his Mum will try and help as best she can or they can ask for advice from the health visitor. I don't plan to do anything about it at all. It's just my opinions/thoughts, I'm not going to go in all guns blazing.

Butch I think it's perfectly fine and normal to have a messy house I am by no means the tidiest person in the world but as long as things are hygienic I can imagine everything is fine and even with just them hygiene wouldn't bother me but a little baby needs everything very hygienic. I wouldn't do anything, it's just an observation I'm not ranting to them about it. It's not my place to say I'm just saying it on here as an opinion/thought I had, not anything I'm going to do or anything like that.Also like you say it was their day, which also means it was his day.

Whoever said above though about the jealousy thing with the baby could be right. In which case, I have utmost sympathy. It's just I can put myself in others points of view easily enough normally but sometimes I find it hard to imagine someone doing something I could never do myself, iyswim.

Margaret I mean he confides in me more than any of his friends. I am sure he confides in her more than me. I guess I just get confused and want everyone to like me. I know it's not realistic, but I am a sensitive person and therefore wonder why someone doesn't like me and how I can change that if that makes sense. I honestly don't have any bad/mean intentions.

Hermione Glad not everyone is raving mad at me and thinks I'm so awful. I agree with you though and will definitely sit down face to face with him and get everything out in the air.

Angry Yes a few weeks ago I said that but before that I had not said anything of the sort to indicate any anger/annoyance with her. Just her telling me who to talk to just made me really mad.

pic Thank you. I am glad at least 3 people don't think I am a complete nightmare. He is a nice bloke and caring but yes I think he's a bit afraid to upset her.

Kafri Completely agree with your post.

Jan What gives you the impression I don't like him? She's pregnant so they are going to have children.

Holly Didn't mean to slate, was only concerned. She was acting like a brat though, trying to control who I spoke with. I think it's because I know he wouldn't tell her which of her friends could come. I know a few of her friends he doesn't like much went to the wedding. Surely if it's mutual when he stated he doesn't get on with X person, she should've said 'That's OK then' I know it's his choice what he puts up with though and it's nothing to do with me. Bare in mind most of this is my thoughts, not what I have actually said to them.

Exactly pic I have thought it but not going to say anything. If they ask me whether I think it's OK I will say to them I personally wouldn't 2 weeks after Hollie was born but everyone is different and as long as she's looked after, it's for them to decide whether they feel it is right or not.

After reading this thread first of all there's twenty minutes of my life I will never get back and secondly I am not surprised she doesn't like you. You seem demanding and passive aggressive and slightly judgemental. Let it go love. Why are you obsessing over this ? She didn't want you there and they don't want you sticking your nose into their business. It's time to face facts.

No-one put a gun to your head and made you read it, Cravey!

sayit She messaged me after sending me the mean message that he didn't want to speak to me because I was pregnant but don't know if that was her passing the blame, if there was anything else or if I have missed something. My friend has told me, so has my partner and one of our mutual friends that she says things about me. Whether it's due to him saying things about me I really couldn't tell. Think am just going to back off and he can contact me if he really wants to talk and if there is good reason and everyone is nice, I will naturally give it a go but otherwise, give them some space. I am only thinking this about their house and baby, not offered to do anything. If they ask me to show them then sure but I haven't actually offered to do anything expect be there for him and if he needs anything even just a chat, I'm here.

Flank It's also probably not a help that her future MIL doesn't really like her that much. I can't help that though.

Elq I have made an effort that's why I've wanted to hang out with her and invite her over, to get to know her better and see the qualities my friend fell in love with. I honestly don't say a bunch of bad stuff behind her back just voicing opinions on here and called her a brat when she told me not to talk to someone when it's not her place to tell me. That wasn't two faced as I said it to her.

Just gonna give them space and see what happens in the future. If he needs me for something important I will be there for him.

Something weird going on here. They sound toxic and I'd ditch them. But YABU about the wedding, I wouldn't invite anyone I didn't like and whatever her reasons are, she doesn't like you. Sorry. But it doesn't sound like you have much ground for liking her either. Move on.

I don't know why you are friends with him, you do nt sound that close. Don't be so harsh on op, obviously if the friends wife des not like her, op has every right not to like her back. Why would I want to like someon who does not like me