No wedding invite - AIBU? (LONG)

[MyLittleAprilSunshine]

This happened a month or so back, so pretty over it now but curious to see what everyone else's opinions are. I'm not going to lose a friend over it as such, but felt offended.

My friend has been planning to get married for around a year now and actually got married last month. I got pregnant last year in July and he and his partner were trying for a baby at the time, but that's a completely different thread. He didn't speak to me for a while as he was annoyed about me being pregnant. Now he and I have been friends for 10 years, since we were both 13 and are fairly close as friends go.

His partner doesn't like me very much and hasn't came up with a good reason why and this is partially why I think I didn't get an invite, or at least the real reason. My other friends got invites to their wedding a few months before the wedding and I didn't receive one. I jokingly asked if he really wanted me to come to the wedding and he said, "I presume you couldn't come because of the baby" However, I hadn't told him the exact date she was due. I also explained that I would be OK to come to the church for an hour or so, as Mum was helping me out with the little lady. She would've been 5 weeks old, but she was eating every 3 hours and was/is being fed bm and ff. He just said "Oh" and left it at that.

My partner also didn't get an invite, who is also his friend. I wasn't sure why, as surely he could go but not me, which I mentioned to my friend, but he just ignored me.

Now his Mum hasn't been feeling well and had a medical scare a few months ago and has been very stressed. I commented on her status on Facebook (I know, FB is the devil) as we are all adults and she is on my friends list as I get on well with her. She said she was stressed in a status and I commented, 'If you ever want to talk' I didn't specify about anything in particular, I just left the offer open. This was a few weeks ago, a few days before wedding. I then got a message from aforementioned friends wife to be saying (direct quote without the swearword in full "F**k off it nothing to do with you"). I hadn't mentioned anything specific at all, so I told her to back off and stop showing herself to be the brat that she is acting.

Then my friend messaged me and wanted to be friends. His partner is now pregnant and I dread their parenting skills because neither cleans around the house and they are planning to leave their 2 week old baby (rough due date) back with his parents whilst they go on holiday to America for 2 weeks.

AIBU to think just because his girlfriend doesn't like me that it's not nice to not be invited to his wedding, as he had always stated we would go and I doubt my daughter is the real excuse?

I know it sounds petty, but as we have been friends for so long I'd've loved to have been there on his big day. I don't like his girlfriend but have always been really nice to her and offered to go dress shopping with her and everything, so I've never given her an obvious reason to dislike me.

Sorry this was so long! Ask any extra questions you need to. Sorry it seems to be a minor thing, but it did bug me. AIBU?

You are 23.

Just give them a break to live their own lives. You live yours, enjoy your baby.

Then when you are 33 you will have got over the intensity of youthful relationships, and may shudder at this post.

Go out make new friends, and enjoy your life.

OP you seem to like any self awareness at all about how you are coming across to her. When it is pointed out to you that fake niceness can be spotted a mile off, you said:
actually no, he doesn't know nor does she. I am perfectly polite and nice to her and have never stated a dislike for her and he has never asked about my dislike of her and he would've if he picked up on it, that's just how he is

But in your OP you say i told her to back off and stop showing herself to being the brat she is acting.

I think she might have picked up you don't like her...

lack not like.

I agree...you're getting a hard time needlessly. I see nothing in your posts that suggests you are some overbearing nightmare who his wife has every reason to dislike....I think people on here get carried away with their wee fantasies at times.

Your friend sounds like a spineless git and his new wife a harridan.

I think you are getting a hard time: you have been friends for a long time so your friend obviously gets something out if your company. The change is the new wife: I think you may have to accept she is his priority and decide how that affects you.

OP, please don't offer to show them how to change a nappy or sterilise a bottle. It's massively patronising. Most new parents don't know how to do these things but they figure them out. If they ask for help fine, impart your wisdom, if not stop interfering.

OP I have been in a very similar situation and it is harsh. Unfortunately when this happens, it's very likely that either the friendship is now untenable, or that you have at least a few years of not speaking ahead. I agree with Raisa that theysound mad - America two weeks after birth? - but you can't do a lot now. Sad but you have to withdraw.

OP I have been in a very similar situation and it is harsh. Unfortunately when this happens, it's very likely that either the friendship is now untenable, or that you have at least a few years of not speaking ahead. I agree with Raisa that theysound mad - America two weeks after birth? - but you can't do a lot now. Sad but you have to withdraw.

No one has noted that they cut you out of their lives when you were pregnant. I agree with FarFrom that this is jealousy and resentment from them.

Some freindships survive the transition into the grown up world of marraige, kids and partners and some don't. And it probably isn't you, its probably her. But seriously he has chosen her as his life partner. I would step out away, let them get on with it. At a point the friendship might pick up, it might not but there is nothing you can do positively to influence it now.

It sounds to me like DW feels threatened by you (for whatever reason). It might be nothing you've done or said - she might just have reason (real or otherwise) to think you like him more than a friend or vice versa.

I agree with u that I personally wouldn't stop dh from having friends just cos I disliked them but every couple is different so if he's happy to go along with it then there's nothing you can do really.

Re leaving the baby - again, I couldn't leave him for 2weeks but if they feel able to and baby will be well looked after then it's not really a problem though I've not come across many new parents willing to leave a newborn

I would take a step back to be honest - some friendships fizzle out as our lives change. It a shame when you've been friends with someone for a long time but it does happen.
Don't keep up the fakeness with his DW. You have no reason to be mean to her but similarly you've no need to be two faced either.

For what it's worth, I don't think you have been mean in your post the bit about the house being dirty was a little uncalled for but I do think you need to accept that for now, at least, your friendship isn't as was and get on with spending your time with other friends and family rather than trying to fix what isn't necessarily broken, just changed.

I had a very close male friend from our single days, working together in London. We were a bit of a when Harry met Sally couple for a couple for about two years, when we were both between serious long-term relationships. We spent lots of time together, acted as confidantes to one another where our love lives were concerned, rang one another every day, sometimes for hours, all that stuff, sometimes would even hold hands out in public but it was completely platonic apart from one drunken night which we both preferred to gloss over.

He left London to go up north, I got married and had a baby, and we kept in touch only very sporadically after that, although he was the first person I rang from my hospital bed after I had DS1 (DH had phoned family and joint, current friends obviously.)

We did Christmas cards and the occasional phone call but they all eventually tailed off, and then contacted me at new year around 5 years later to say he was getting married that summer and to keep the date free. I was so looking forward to seeing him and hopefully some other old mates as well, so I moved the date of my family holiday which I had already booked, went on a diet to look great (like you do when you think you might see some old flames) and the date came and went with no invitation.

I was hugely disappointed, but not angry. I thought his fiancee had probably vetoed every random girl from his past that he hadn't kept properly in touch with and whom she had never ever met - and if numbers for the wedding were getting out of control then fair enough really. But at the back of my mind I wondered if she knew that we were Harry and Sally for a while and she didn't want to tempt fate!

It sounds like you don't like your friend so I don't understand why you call him a friend. If he really was annoyed with you for being pregnant, rather than stressed because he and his partner were struggling to conceive, then he's not a friend to you.

Since they haven't got children ATM, whether they keep a house clean enough for a baby is irrelevant and I find it strange that you assume that they will be exactly the same if they have a baby.

There seems to be mutual dislike on each side, so why not leave this couple to get on with their lives and accept that your friendship with him has run its course?

My advice OP?

Without trying to be patronising you are young at 23, so let me say this...sometimes your childhood friends grow up to be cocks. You're not the same person at 13 as you become at 23. Your priorities and values develop and change, and sometimes not for the better.

Leave him to her. Make better friends, now you are an adult.

A mixed response from me.

I think you are being unreasonable and judgemental about the parenting and the state of their house, and there have been a few things that coud have it someone's back up if they were already a bit prickly about you.

However, I too would be hurt about the wedding. We invited a couple of DH's female friends that I don't particularly get on with to our wedding. It really was no skin off my nose because I'm not jealous of them, we just don't really get on. It seems to me that jealousy is at the root of this, and I personally would find it difficult to be with someone who expected me to drop friends in this way.

I also think her message to you was unacceptable. It seems as though your friend does still like you because he wants to be friends again now. I would not bother with him for a good while.

This is a friend that resented you being pregnant and saw fit to cut you off until he decided you were worthy again.

He's an arsehole. No one needs friends like that. Trust me.

And if the problem is that he is an active participant on a wider social circle with lots of mutual friends and social occasions, then that's ok too...you can remain pleasant in his company but otherwise withdraw. He will become less and less significant to you as time goes on.

But it is his partner's wedding too and she doesn't like you , so that is a reasonable enough reason not to invite you.

No it's not.

Yes it is!

Wedding lists should be mutual. If the bloke in this scenario knows his partner is uncomfortable round the OP, then no invitation will be issued. It is there day and both should be at pains to make sure no one marrs it.

TBH OP you come across as needing this friendship if only to feel to superior. You've described her as a brat, slated the state of their house, holiday plans - none of which are any concern to you at all.

Kinda is.

1. The OP hasn't done anything to deserve such dislike - much less to the point of being excluded. As far as we know.

1. Get over yourself and your precious wedding already. Pointedly leaving one person out is mean. If this was your kid and the class party, you'd be spitting feathers.

It blows. I'm not that sort of person, and I have no time for those who are.

If DH had asked me not to invite a close friend of mine to our wedding because they didn't get on with them I would have resisted and found it a bit odd and controlling. Unless my friend had done something that deserved not being liked of course, rather than just it really getting on with them.

If someone you don't like being there is going to ruin your whole day, I think that's a bit odd or that you're unhealthily jealous of them. I don't think controlling who your partner is friends with because of jealousy is a good thing at all.

And please - quit with the sanctimonious crap too. If any of you had a friend who planned to leave a 2 week old baby at home, to go on a fortnight's holiday, you'd be pulling a mental
And don't say you wouldn't.
You wouldn't say anything, but you'd think it. Doubt the OP has said anything either...I mean you just don't do you? You can't shred her for thinking it though. Come back down to earth people.

The OPs friend has shown how he values his friend. So that's that. Time to move on.

OP it boils down to you don't like her, she doesn't like you, her partner is going to support her so even if he wants to be friends now it's not going to be much of a friendship because, before long, he'll feel he's in the middle. Cut your losses and just be civil acquaintances, less drama for everyone.