No wedding invite - AIBU? (LONG)

[MyLittleAprilSunshine]

This happened a month or so back, so pretty over it now but curious to see what everyone else's opinions are. I'm not going to lose a friend over it as such, but felt offended.

My friend has been planning to get married for around a year now and actually got married last month. I got pregnant last year in July and he and his partner were trying for a baby at the time, but that's a completely different thread. He didn't speak to me for a while as he was annoyed about me being pregnant. Now he and I have been friends for 10 years, since we were both 13 and are fairly close as friends go.

His partner doesn't like me very much and hasn't came up with a good reason why and this is partially why I think I didn't get an invite, or at least the real reason. My other friends got invites to their wedding a few months before the wedding and I didn't receive one. I jokingly asked if he really wanted me to come to the wedding and he said, "I presume you couldn't come because of the baby" However, I hadn't told him the exact date she was due. I also explained that I would be OK to come to the church for an hour or so, as Mum was helping me out with the little lady. She would've been 5 weeks old, but she was eating every 3 hours and was/is being fed bm and ff. He just said "Oh" and left it at that.

My partner also didn't get an invite, who is also his friend. I wasn't sure why, as surely he could go but not me, which I mentioned to my friend, but he just ignored me.

Now his Mum hasn't been feeling well and had a medical scare a few months ago and has been very stressed. I commented on her status on Facebook (I know, FB is the devil) as we are all adults and she is on my friends list as I get on well with her. She said she was stressed in a status and I commented, 'If you ever want to talk' I didn't specify about anything in particular, I just left the offer open. This was a few weeks ago, a few days before wedding. I then got a message from aforementioned friends wife to be saying (direct quote without the swearword in full "F**k off it nothing to do with you"). I hadn't mentioned anything specific at all, so I told her to back off and stop showing herself to be the brat that she is acting.

Then my friend messaged me and wanted to be friends. His partner is now pregnant and I dread their parenting skills because neither cleans around the house and they are planning to leave their 2 week old baby (rough due date) back with his parents whilst they go on holiday to America for 2 weeks.

AIBU to think just because his girlfriend doesn't like me that it's not nice to not be invited to his wedding, as he had always stated we would go and I doubt my daughter is the real excuse?

I know it sounds petty, but as we have been friends for so long I'd've loved to have been there on his big day. I don't like his girlfriend but have always been really nice to her and offered to go dress shopping with her and everything, so I've never given her an obvious reason to dislike me.

Sorry this was so long! Ask any extra questions you need to. Sorry it seems to be a minor thing, but it did bug me. AIBU?

Ultimately OP if my partner had said I don't want to invite X to our wedding, I don't like them and it would take the shine off my day then I wouldn't invite them. I would put my future spouses feelings ahead of a not hugely close friend because they are the person I have chosen to spend my life with. Different if it was a close family member or my best friend but you don't seem to fall into this category.

Their baby hasn't arrived yet, so to assume they wouldn't be capable of changing a nappy or sterilising a bottle is harsh.

I think part of the problem is the facade of pretending to like her when she knows you don't. Sometimes people don't like each other, there doesn't have to be a reason. Her comments on FB were cruel but stop trying to pretend you could be friends when neither of you want that. Be civil, say hi, that's it. Stop faking a friendship when there isn't one.

chirp He has 2 or 3 best friends and as far as he has told me in the past, I am one of them. I am also the person he confides in the most. I understand what you mean but I would say to my partner 'I understand, but how come you dislike them so much? Maybe it can be resolved'. As now she says she is wanting to meet up with me/talk and apologise for her behaviour, that's what she said to my partner when he saw them last week. If I was that loathsome, would she even say that? I just feel confused, really.

I don't assume they can't change a nappy but they may struggle with it a little, just like my partner does - which is why I tend to change the nappies as he can't see at all. He does give bottles/wind though, so he definitely gets time with her. But she is planning to be the one that works, which would leave him at home with the little one and he has little vision. Plus as they are messy in the kitchen the bottles may get contaminated. Hopefully his Mum will give some tips and honestly if they wanted me to show them how to do it I don't mind as I know how hard it can be - I am worried, not planning to call social services on them or anything like that. I just love kids and wouldn't want anything to hurt/upset the baby.

Precisely. You say you would be 'more willing' to make your partner happy on their big day. This is exactly what your 'friend' has done. As he should.

And as for the 'can't rear a kid because the house is untidy' nonsense. I laughed at your attempt to cover it up by mentioning bottles. My house is a mess, but I breastfeed so social services don't take my baby away cause I'm too lazy to press a button on a steriliser!

Ridiculous.

They've had their neighbours help them before with cleaning. She doesn't want to breastfeed which is fine of course. I am worried about it but if they prove me wrong I'd be more than happy and admit I was wrong.

But like I said, she has said sorry (well, she wants to but as I'm up at my parents still whilst sorting out housing, haven't seen them yet and wants to do it in person). If I am so bad, why would she do that?

I just don't know.

Bottom line is I've only ever been nice to her. Just wanted to celebrate my friends special day and I know he wanted me to as well and she's backtracking on her behaviour. So I don't see how I'm the bad one and neither do most people who have witnessed it but there we go. I am interested to see it from an outsiders point of view, so to speak.

Well you're a charmer aren't you? If I disapproved of so much about my friend I don't think they'd want to call me a friend for much longer.

You sound a bit self-righteous.

There is an awful lot going on in your mind at the moment re: this isn't there - it's almost as though your thoughts are racing when you write. You have a partner and a baby of your own, perhaps you should take some time out to just spend with them and relax and not give this situation so much head space.

^ What they both said.

It seems you don't like her and she doesn't like you. I think you need to step away and keep out of each others lives for now.

It all seems a tad patronising with you appearing to the superior one which probably gets right up her nose. I am sure you don't mean to come across like that, but it does.

Go and enjoy your life with your family and the friends who make life less complicated.

Has it occurred to you that maybe you weren't invited because they were having trouble conceiving and didn't want you there reminding them that you had what they wanted? Could it be that the change of heart has come about because now she is pregnant she finds it a lot easier to be around you knowing that you aren't the embodiment of what she might have thought of as her failure to conceive?

The opposite thing happened to me. I WAS invited to the wedding where I was friends with the man, landed up and his bride spent the entire wedding blanking me and pointedly ignoring me even when I wished them!!! It was really strange and uncomfortable and I would rather that he not have invited me at all. Life's too short for this sort of nonsense.

Your comments about their baby and cleaning etc is totally uncalled for. That is probably why she doesnt like you and in fact Im baffled as to why you want to go for this wedding if you think so little of her.

You seem to have had a hard time. I think it was unkind not to invite you, and might be because of jealousy? Yes, it's normal to invite a good friend even if your partner isn't that keen - I would say that to not get an invite she must be more than "not that keen", she would have had to put her foot down and insist, I think she must really dislike you a LOT. Maybe she's a bit childish and doesn't like her husband having a close female friend.

I think jealousy must be at the bottom of it. If you are the person he confides in the most it's absolutely extraordinary not to go to the wedding.

Honestly, if I were early 20s, & my fiance had a female mate he'd had since childhood who obviously thoroughly disapproved of me, & made 'helpful' suggestions about taking me shopping for a frock etc, I'd dislike her too.

She doesn't like you. & it's quite possible that your buddy is re-evaluating your place in his life because you've clearly been somewhat sneery about his dw.

Re: the wedding - all the excuses about your new baby, & the non-committal comments, were your friend squirming because he'd already agreed with his fiancee that you weren't invited.

Subsequently inviting his 'stressed' mum to a cosy chat on FB will have looked like you were going to bitch about them together, let's be honest.

Your only dignified option is to Back Off.

I made a bit of a tit of myself over similar behaviour towards a long-term male friend with a new dw who loathed me, back when I was your age. You won't win, & you'll end up looking like some sort of bonkers stalker.

The odd thing is that my mate's dw & I are now quite good friends - I got out of her face & avoided them both for a bit; we eventually got to know each other when thrown together on group holidays etc, & it turns out she's actually great. She'd just disliked her then bf's group of mates because we were lairy, silly & cliquey back then, & I became the focus of her dislike because I was the only female in the 'gang'.

Honestly, leave them to it. It might come out in the wash, or not, but you won't help by pushing the issue.

Did you and he ever sleep together or snog?
If he has confided in you so much it could be he held a torch for you a long time. Now that's over you're missing the attention perhaps and the wife is definitely cutting that cord.

Forget it, move on and focus on your own stuff.

There's s girl I just don't like and my husband is insisting on inviting her to our wedding"

{{{{chorus of mumsnetty protest}}}} LTB OP!!!

Butt out.

Good grief... You sound like an interfering busybody. You'd drive me nuts so I can only imagine how your friends feel.
Firstly what makes you think his stressed mother who happens to be a Facebook friend would want to talk to you about her stress?
Secondly most people who are about to have a baby have never changed a nappy or may not understand the importance of cleaning and hygiene until their baby comes along. What make you think that you should advise or thy should come to you to advise?
Thirdly you don't like her she doesn't like you, but you offer to go wedding dress shopping with her... Why? What on earth were you thinking?

Seriously stop interfering, stop being such a 'helpful' busybody or you really will lose this 'friend' forever!

" Plus as they are messy in the kitchen the bottles may get contaminated. Hopefully his Mum will give some tips and honestly if they wanted me to show them how to do it I don't mind as I know how hard it can be - I am worried, not planning to call social services on them or anything like that. I just love kids and wouldn't want anything to hurt/upset the baby."

OP you are coming across as massively interfering and patronising and I can't help wondering if you have offended them.

They sound mad tbh so you are better off not having them in your life. You said you do not want drama & if you insist on socialising with them then drama is what you will get. Maintain a dignified silence, be polite if spoken to but dont go round giving baby advice and create some space between you all.

They think they she will be well enough to travel to America for a holiday 2 weeks after the birth?!! What if the baby comes prematurely or very late? Or she is ill or has to have a c-section? Bit risky spending all that money on a holiday so soon after the birth.

Get on with your life and be thankful that you don't need the idiots for your life to be happy. Enjoy your girl.

OP sounds like the overbearing and interfering MIL that we read so much on these boards.

I kind of feel for the wife because she has a MIL and an interfering MIL-wannabe. Hopefully, her MIL is one of the good ones so she only has to deal with one instead of two.

Seriously stop interfering, stop being such a 'helpful' busybody or you really will lose this 'friend' forever!

Indeed. And don't monitor their childrearing. A couple of times you've indicated that you plan to monitor the situation and possibly revise your opinion that they're a hazard.

April: Maybe she doesn't like you because you are female and she feels that you are a threat.
She won't want her husband discussing their life with you.
I think you maybe need to accept the friendship is over.

I am in a similiar position with a male work colleague that I have worked with and been (non sexual) friends with for 25 years.
We have been friends and supported each other through both our divorces, but his new partner really doesn't like me.
She thinks I'm a threat.

YABU

You dont sound like a very nice friend being judgemental over the state of their house. My house is messy but Ive managed to sterilise bottles etc for 2 DC

If the bride didnt want you there then why would you expect an invite? Your friend cares for his brides happiness more than yours. It was their day not yours.

You are giving this a lot of thought and head space to say you have a new baby!

Look, you've been friends in the past but maybe it's time to back away from this and concentrate on your family now. You've been through stuff together in the past but that's exactly what it is, the past. Stop trying to find out / second guess / speculate on why his wife doesn't like you. She just doesn't. Ultimately, your friend's loyalty is with her however unfair it may seem. I find it odd that you say he confides in you more so than anyone else? That's probably his wife's role now. Friendships move on. Some evolve and some dissolve. That's life I'm afraid.

And please don't judge their parenting skills before they've had their child. I'm a new parent too. I don't get it right all the time. This couple's approach may seem haphazard to you but they might surprise you.

OP I think you're getting a very hard time! If I had done nothing wrong, I would expect a wedding invite too in the circumstances you describe. Their new baby is nothing to do with you- it has GPs who can look out for its welfare so don't worry about that.

I woukd find it hard to sustain a friendship with someone who blows hot and cold as he is doing. Also, the FB message from his wife is completely unacceptable.

I woukd have a straightforward and adult conversation with him about it. "look, I k ow that X doesn't like me. What have I done? Does it make it difficult for us to be friends?". That sort of approach,