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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my sister-in-law should look after her own child?!

138 replies

MaddyM · 31/05/2013 13:44

We both had children at roughly the same time, but unfortunately her marriage broke up before he was a year old. Since then it seems that her parents (my in-laws) have him nearly all the time! My SIL and her ex alternate weekends, but nearly every weekend my SIL is supposed to have him she's got something else on that she can't possibly miss and dumps him on her parents. Same with school holidays. It seems so ridiculous and means that every time we need our son looked after (which frankly isn't often), they've already got my nephew! I think they spend more time with him than his mother! AIBU to think that she should spend a bit more time with her son and a bit less time going out?
Have bitten my tongue so hard today that I had to vent somewhere!

OP posts:

WestieMamma · 31/05/2013 15:20

My daughter, now 20, spent pretty much every weekend at my parents. Started off as a break for me when she was a baby and I was home alone with her all week. It then continued when I started work full-time as my parents and daughter loved the time they had together. They also had one of my nephews at the same time and the 2 of them are still closer than most siblings.

YABU and as others have said, sounding quite mean and jealous.

pumpkinsweetie · 31/05/2013 15:24

Can see why you are annoyed, i don't think the issue is so much that she 'dumps' her children, but that you find it unfair they take her dc at the drop of a hat, but won't have yours.
My sil is like this, for many years before i found out pil were toxic they offered to have my dd when she turned 7, she turned 7, they never had her but had sils children from the age of 4 and it did grate on me ever so much. When sil was trying for baby no4 mil even had her 3 kids so they could dtd!!! Never once had any of mine though. It's hard not to be jealous when certain grandkids are favoured more than others.
There isn't much you can do though, except accept the situation for what it is

MrsOakenshield · 31/05/2013 15:26

That sounds tough, LadyMai. Is your SiL your brother's partner - if so, where is he in all this - can he not look after their child to free up some room at your mum's every so often for you? Or can your mum come and stay with you (or could she in the past, if she is unwell now?) YABU about the 18 month old in the car for 4 hours, that's not unusual for weekends away. DD has done 100 mile trips (around 3 hours, longer wiht a break) since she was a baby.

But - at the end of the day, your mum can say 'no' to the others, can she not? For the odd weekend? I don't think it's quite fair to blame your sister or SiL for the situation - presumably no-one chose to be where they are, IYSWIM?

MrsOakenshield · 31/05/2013 15:28

oh, x-post. Well, to be honest, I do think your mum could have asked that they stay in their own homes and come for Xmas day only, so your family can stay. Actually, I'm confused - are the children staying with your mum every weekend, even though they live round the corner?

rainbowslollipops · 31/05/2013 15:34

I'm jealous of your sister in law. My parents never babysat my dd, and still won't. I have a friend look after her while I'm at work and that's it. I don't go out at night. I go for lunch with friends during school hours but thats it.

SomethingsUp · 31/05/2013 15:35

People do what they need to do. I've sent my two for a three month visit to their father's to recharge my extremely depleted batteries and to try and sort out something for us all that's permanent and happy. Many many people are choosing to judge me, but I know in my heart I am doing my best for my children and myself, so the rest of the judgemental world can quite literally bog off.

Val007 · 31/05/2013 15:59

MaddyM, so your nephew spends alternate weekends with his dad. This leaves your in-laws free to look after your son for 50% of the weekends. Cannot get any more fair than this, can it?

So... what is the real problem then?

Is it that they and sil don't like you, hence don't want to take your child? Quote: They're nice people and would feel horribly guilty if they ever said no.
Surely they don't feel horribly guilty saying no to you...

Halfling · 31/05/2013 16:24

Maybe the OP is BU. But it is hard not to feel upset if you find Parents/PIL's favouring other children over yours.

It may be due to the SIL's circumstances but it is the OP's DC who is missing out.

In the past, I have felt the same when my DS was unable to spend much time with PILs because the SIL's DC were always there because of various reasons - SIL was unwell, SIL's DH was working out of home, SIL went away on a romantic break etc.

Since PILs spent more time with my DNs, they were obviously more attached to them. They seemed more reluctant to have my DS over, because they already had their hands full with SIL's DC.

I stopped trying beyond a point and we relocated to a different country. But I always feel sad that my DS never really got a chance to bond with his grand parents because SIl is always more needy.

We still make some effort just to ensure DS doesn't miss out - buying PILs expensive air tickets so that they come and visit us, making DS talk to them regularly on Skype and phone. But obviously, I can't force a relationship between them...

halcyondays · 31/05/2013 16:28

if its only the odd time you would like the gps to have your son, why couldnt they look after both children at once? there is nothing wrong with your nephew spending time with his gps if they"re happy to have him, but its a bit unfair if they never have your son.

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 16:29

My brother works away to pay for the house and her car and her clothes and to pay for everythimg for their son. Because he is away in the week she spent four months in a mother and baby ward. They live in the country so she had to go to a city hospital, she does not talk to her parents and when my brother is at home he looks after the boy but he also wants to see his mum and dad so he is there at weekends.

My family is dysfunctional anyway but I miss my mum. I have offered for her to come here but she dosnt want to impose and she cant say no to anyone and my brother is golden child and cant do any wrong.

The impose on my mum so much. My sister told me my family couldnt go for xmas lunch as she and her son was going - she was not even invited by my parents.

They dont relise how old my mum is and they just put on her because she dosnt say no. The only option I have is to stay away and not cause her any more hassle. Its a shame that my children are missing out on their gp and Welsh family history.

ssd · 31/05/2013 16:38

god you're getting some amount of arse kicking here op

FWIW I agree with you, loads of kids go to grans but it sounds like your sil is palming them off too often

still its up to them to say no

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 16:43

I could.take both children in the car for two hours there and two hours back but when I did last time my sister took my mum out so she wasnt back in time to see us and then sil had a "funny turn" and thought her head was not part of her body so my mum spent the afternoon and rest of the night at her house looking after both sil and baby.

I cant complain because sil is worse than me and im "the sort that copes"

I do feel resentful to my sister choiceing to be a signle parent (she chose to have the baby with the ons told her he did not want a baby, she had already had one termination) she tells me not to visit or that my mum is busy with her or her son. Sister is very protective of her time with my mum, I dont get a look in.

And I cant complain because she is a single parent and needs help and my sil is ill and needs help and I just dont say anything and suck it up knowing my mum could have limited time left and I dont get to spend time with her and she is missing out on her only grand daughter

Sparklypinknails · 31/05/2013 16:46

If you don't know all the details, keep your tut tutting to yourself, OP. Your SIL could have all sorts going on that you aren't privy to (I'm sure your in laws are well aware how judgemental and bitchy you are and wouldn't tell you her business) and the in laws could be supporting her for those reasons. Keep biting your tongue and hopefully you will chew it off.

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 16:48

OP nothing you can do its not fair but you just need to suck it up.

MrsOakenshield · 31/05/2013 16:58

well, LadyMai, your situation in many ways sounds rubbish and very sad for you, but as you say very little you can do. But it sounds completely different to the OP (who I notice hasn't come back to answer some of the questions put to her that might help clarify the situation, such as - do you PILS mind? Is your son actually excluded? etc etc).

DuttyWine · 31/05/2013 17:11

Does your dc spend time with your parents and her dc spend time with his paternal grandparents? Sometimes parents are closer to their daughters children than their sons because they are closer to their daughter. My dcs are closer to my parents than my dp's because I'm closer to my own mum than I am to my mil.

It sounds like your jealous but it's tough being a single mum I did it for 5 years and my parents helped out loads, now I'm with dp and gone on to have another child they don't do as much which is fine.

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 17:18

Op got flamed I dont think she will be back. I too would like to know if OP child spends time with gps or is it just they will not babysit for you?

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 17:23

well lets face it maddy youve got your answer:you're completely wrong

quoteunquote · 31/05/2013 17:28

OP, you can have exactly the same as her,

You could "dump" your child on your husband and go and do things, then the following weekend your husband can dump your child on you.

the thing about being a single parent, it is not she has him about an hour before school(really?) or a couple of hours after(really?)

It's when you are a single parent every job is done by you, rubbish out, tea cooked, stories read .......... every single thing,

you sit down at night on the sofa and have someone next to you to process the day with, another pair of eyes to notice and another pair of hands to lift, another mouth to nag,

When you are a single parent, everything is magnified, it not twice as big,it fifty times as big, or more.

And you don't have the luxury of trickle processing daily events, someone you can bouncy off, jump in and out of conversations with, it's incredibly stressful.

Your nephew is really lucky he has wonderful GPs who clearly want to help take pressure off their daughter.

You are not alone, hopefully your SiL will meet someone who adores her, she sounds like she deserves to be loved,

I would look around you count your blessing, and stop resenting someone who has a lot less than you,

how often does your nephew stay with you?

My mum died when I was young, Dad lives in another country, MiL has MH problems, and we rarely see FiL as he left when DH was 9.

I know it is hard, but I promise you it a walk in the park compared to being a single parent.

nulgirl · 31/05/2013 17:38

Going against the majority view here, I do find it a bit sad that your SIL doesn't spend any weekends with her ds. I work full time and the weekends are the time that I spend actually enjoying the children rather than the weekly grind of nursery, work, homework, bedtime routine.

Saying that you do seem a bit resentful that she is getting free time and you don't. Ive been a single parent working full time and it is is hard. If my parents had offered to take the kids off my hands every weekend I might have been tempted.

Fence-sitting....

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 17:44

it's factually incorrect to say the sil doesn't spend my time with her son
in fact op says mornings, evening and at weekend share time between go and dad
a loved chid being with its extended family is something to enjoy not bemoan

halcyondays · 31/05/2013 17:51

Why would the nephew need to stay with the op? he goes to his dad every other weekend and spends most other weekends with his gps. Of course it is hard being a single parent but she does get a lot of support from her family. The op has the support of her dh but I'm sure she wouldn't have the chance to spend every weekend child free even if she wanted to. And even if you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, there are occasions, when people would welcome a bit of support from their extended families, which doesn't seem to be an option here.

nulgirl · 31/05/2013 17:54

I know that a child profits immensely from an extended loving family but to not ever spend a weekend day with your children strikes me as a bit odd. Weekdays are busy, routine based and if you work full time, there simply isn't enough time to laze around in pj's or go for a picnic or any of the small activities that are so enjoyable

Mintyy · 31/05/2013 17:57

Oh, I'm sorry op got flamed and won't be back. I was just going to say that I completely understand where she is coming from! Seems I'm in a minority just for a change.

mynewpassion · 31/05/2013 18:01

Worry more about your own life and less about hers.

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