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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister-in-law should look after her own child?!

138 replies

MaddyM · 31/05/2013 13:44

We both had children at roughly the same time, but unfortunately her marriage broke up before he was a year old. Since then it seems that her parents (my in-laws) have him nearly all the time! My SIL and her ex alternate weekends, but nearly every weekend my SIL is supposed to have him she's got something else on that she can't possibly miss and dumps him on her parents. Same with school holidays. It seems so ridiculous and means that every time we need our son looked after (which frankly isn't often), they've already got my nephew! I think they spend more time with him than his mother! AIBU to think that she should spend a bit more time with her son and a bit less time going out?
Have bitten my tongue so hard today that I had to vent somewhere!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:13

I work ft in 14 days see kids evening,and 2whole days weekend.whats your point?
your sil needs a big hug and told well done.not her nippy sil sucking teeth
why aren't you glowing with praise at sil ability. to get on with it?

DaemonPantalaemon · 31/05/2013 14:15

We just happen to think that parents should be the main carers when possible

Well, then YOU be the main carers of your children then, and leave your SIL to make arrangements that work best for her.

How can you be jealous and resentful of a single parent? You are really horrible.

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2013 14:16

hmm, given what you've said, this isn't a full time mum needing a break, when was the last time she spend a full day with her DS? From what you've said, she possibly hasn't had him to herself for 24 hours, or even had to cook him a meal for months...

However, before you think she should do it, have you thought she can't ? IME, when grandparents step up to the level, it's not about helping out, it's about looking after the DGCs because they know their DC can't do it. Either due to depression or just not wanting too, if she's opting out of spending anytime with her DS, it could be she just isn't bonded - that your PILs are more intersted in ensuring your DN is properly cared for and loved, yet they can say no to you because if they don't do it for your DCs, they don't have to worry that you won't.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 31/05/2013 14:18

You really do sound nasty. She's a single parent, working full time, and arranging appropriate childcare for her son. What is the problem exactly?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 31/05/2013 14:20

or even had to cook him a meal for months...
Did I read something wrong? I took it that he was with her every night during the week. So that will be five breakfasts and five teas a week? And if he's at nursery she may also be preparing him a packed lunch? Riiiiight.

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:20

your sil is one of the many unacknowledged parents who just gets on with it
well I for one, want to say well done to your sister in law
you come across as nippy,ungracious op.wagch you don't falloff that highhorse

D0oinMeCleanin · 31/05/2013 14:21

My whole family must think I am a dire parent then, Don'tmindifIdo, because they're always willing to have my children. My parents are taking them camping for two weeks in the summer holidays.

They're taking my sisters kids too. She must also be a terrible parent.

I always just thought it was because they enjoyed spending time with them and giving me a break.

orangeandemons · 31/05/2013 14:21

I wish when I wad a single parent, working full time that I'd had help like this. It is a struggle being a lone parent, why don't you help her instead of condemming her?

Works full time and only sees her dc for 2 hours at night. Dh and I share bed/bath time. She does it on her own every night. I'm knackered just sharing it, never mind single handedly. However I do remember doing it alone, and you never ever get any headspace without help.

Good luck to her I say....

MrsOakenshield · 31/05/2013 14:24

as long as the GPs aren't being coerced into this arrangement (and you provide no evidence that they are) I can't see your point. Have you actually asked if they can mind your DC too, should the need arise - they might love having both around. Your SiL is a single, fulltime working mum, trying to make a good life for her son - good for her! She must be shattered. Maybe you could offer to have her son (your child's cousin, no less, your nephew, as you point out) over every once in a while, if you think the GPs are finding it too much - that would be nice and supportive of you. As it is, you sound appalingly smug.

janey68 · 31/05/2013 14:24

OP- your comments about primary carers have totally lost you any sympathy. Mums and dads are the primary carers of their children FGS. Some parents use nursery, childminder, nanny as a form of childcare for some of the time, but unless the child is actually resident somewhere else, then their primary carers are the mum and dad

I started off giving you the benefit of the doubt, because I do think some parents really do take advantage with grandparents and childcare, and I'm equally sure many grandparents feel a certain pressure to oblige, even though regular childcare is a big restriction on them.

But I don't think you give a shit about whether your inlaws are feeling overburdened or exploited: I think you just smugly want to have a dig at parents who work. Also, something doesn't add up in your story: if the child is nursery age, why do you mention school holidays in your first post? Why on earth would she need school holiday care if he's at nursery? Hmm

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:25

get your sil to join mumsnet op.shell get the plaudits she rightly deserve
naturally a few precious moments will rock up to detract about nursery
they'll be ignored,as usual. but mist of all your sil will get praise not your bad vibes

Bobyan · 31/05/2013 14:26

You sound like a wonderful lovely Aunty, your concern about your poor neglected nephew is heart warming.

After all you could have just been all snippy about not bring able to use your pils for babysitting, but no your fully understanding about how hard being a single parent is. And the way you really consider the role of the child's father in all this is really well done.

Hmm
GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:27

I think it hinges on the pre-existing relationship between the adults involved, before the children arrived. Do the children never just end up in a puppy pile at one of the three houses, with the adults socialising happily?

pictish · 31/05/2013 14:28

OP you seem overly concerned with your sil's comings and goings.
Her parents (and they are her parents, not yours) are obviously happy to help out. They are not simpering fools that are being taken for a ride you know...

I think your feelings are driven by jealousy and dislike, which has manifested itself as disapproval in something that isn't your call to judge.

pictish · 31/05/2013 14:29

To put it bluntly....

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2013 14:30

A truth - true, all nurseries round here provide 3 meals for full time children, I just assumed that a full time nursery for a preschooler who's being dropped early enough and picked up late enough for one parent to be doing both drop off and pick up and work full time hours would cover all mealtimes there.

My concern would be that for someone to never want to spend a full day with their DC doesn't ring an alarm that she's lazy or taking the piss, but is struggling and hasn't bonded with her DC. It's not normal to never want a full day with your child. That shouldn't be making the OP think her SIL is taking the piss, but should be making her worry about her SIL. As a tempory thing while you go through a split up and divorce, understandable that you might not be able to do parenting, but to not want to step back into that once the dust has settled is worrying.

GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:30

I take it that your parents are not in the picture here, OP?

NaturalBaby · 31/05/2013 14:32

If the grandparents and child are happy then leave them too it. If the grandparents are not happy then they are grown ups and should be able to deal with their own issues.

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:32

a loved child isn't dumped in nursery.nor dumped at grandparents.its safe arrangement
a considerate,thoughtful parent makes adequate,safe arrangements and yes that inc nursery
I quite like when the precious moments crew suck teeth at ft nursery.as I don't court their approval

ubik · 31/05/2013 14:33

This was what I was wondering GrannyGoblin - my I laws tend to look after my children and their cousin together as the kids just amuse themselves and only need the odd cheese sandwich lobbed their way.

Also op - you may not have the whole story about what's going on in your SiL's life - she may have depression, euro dress etc

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:35

no.stop it.why would you presume ft work,nursery= depression.equally she could be great coper

D0oinMeCleanin · 31/05/2013 14:36

Or maybe SIL is just knackered, Don'tmindifIdo, after having to get up earlier to get her DS up and washed and dressed and to the nursery before work and then having to collect him, play with him, bath him, feed him supper, read him stories and put him to bed all before sorting out her own dinner/stuff for work the next day etc.

If she was a two parent family like OP, this would be shared and would still be knackering.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/05/2013 14:36

Everyone parents differently, i have friends who spend every moment outside work with their children and others like you SIL who leave their children often to pursue their adult life.

Some grandparents love it, others simply look shattered and put upon but darent say no as you only have to look on here for the slating GPs get if they wont assist with childcare.

However given you leave your child with grandparents, you cant really judge and just come over as jealous rather than concerned.

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2013 14:39

Scottishmummy - because of all the woman I know who work full time and use childcare for that (I also work and use a nusery, well not now, just started mat leave) - want to spend weekends with their DC, or at least part of it. It's not normal to arrange your DCs to be somewhere else with someone else looking after them 7 days a week.

D0oinMeCleanin · 31/05/2013 14:41

Just because it's not your normal, dontmind, doesn't mean it's wrong.

I've worked most of the half term and hardly seen my kids. I'm of tonight, they're at Grans until bedtime.

I need some time to clean up the mess they've made and some time alone, just to sit and do nothing, quietly.

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