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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister-in-law should look after her own child?!

138 replies

MaddyM · 31/05/2013 13:44

We both had children at roughly the same time, but unfortunately her marriage broke up before he was a year old. Since then it seems that her parents (my in-laws) have him nearly all the time! My SIL and her ex alternate weekends, but nearly every weekend my SIL is supposed to have him she's got something else on that she can't possibly miss and dumps him on her parents. Same with school holidays. It seems so ridiculous and means that every time we need our son looked after (which frankly isn't often), they've already got my nephew! I think they spend more time with him than his mother! AIBU to think that she should spend a bit more time with her son and a bit less time going out?
Have bitten my tongue so hard today that I had to vent somewhere!

OP posts:
Owllady · 31/05/2013 14:43

I think most parents want a break from their children though. Why is it abnormal to want a break? I don't work anymore and have never had any parental support off either grandparents, I feel resentful sometimes - I will admit that and it grates on my nerves when my SIL harps on how she managed to work and I don't anymore (recent) etc (her 1 child, lots of parental support, my 3 one with severe disabilities, no help at all) It's just not the same scenario and neither should be compared against one another AND it's not a competition

but as I said before I think my SIL is a prat

All families are different I suppose

I agree with what happymumofone has written

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:43

you cannot anecdotally apply knowledge of your pals to speculate the sil depressed
if the arrangement works,if the sil and wee boy and grandparents agreeable thats what matter
well done the sil negotiating a demanding schedule

GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:44

Don'tMind, consider the source of the information you are working from here,
and how reliable it might be.

ubik · 31/05/2013 14:44

Depression is just one scenario-full time work doesn't cause depression but other factors might.

I say this because I had a similar scenario with my SIL and turns out she had trouble with alcohol and MIL was trying to help her. She is now 3 years sober.

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2013 14:45

And the OP's assumption seems to be her SIL is putting her social life before her DS and it's just about wanting to go out and have an adult life without being bothered by her child, but to me, it does seem more like not coping. The OP might be right, her SIL might be lazy and selfish, however IME that's not normally the case, every time I've met someone who's basically outsourced as much parenting as they can (not just what they need to work) it's because they aren't able to do it for one reason or another.

Owllady · 31/05/2013 14:45

It's also not just your SIL's child. Where is the child's Dad in all of this?
presumably he is complicit in the childcare arrangements

DryCounty79 · 31/05/2013 14:46

I'm not going to make a judgement either way as I don't know all the circumstances or the full story.

What I will say is that my parents currently have my son pretty much every weekend. And they have my tiny baby niece on a regular basis too, often on the same night they have my DS.

Neither I nor my sister and her husband ask for our parents to have our children that regularly. My DS loves going to theirs, and they love having him (at least, that's what they tell me!). It is quite often my parents asking to have the children. Actually, sometimes I wish I could have my DS to myself all weekend, but that's the only time they see him and I am well aware that due to the natural order of things they will have less time to spend with him than I will in the future.

It could be the same with your SIL. Or she could be struggling to cope with being a single parent and having to work full time and care for a house on her own. It's not an easy job and some people find it more difficult than others. Her parents could be aware of this and be helping her out so she can go get some stress relief.

GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:46

OwlLady, did you read the OP?
'My SIL and her ex alternate weekends,' Sounds equitable to me.

Owllady · 31/05/2013 14:47

I am envious of you all with such supportive, loving parents. I really do feel like my children miss out

TheSecondComing · 31/05/2013 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:48

I wonder if op thought she be agreed with and some tsktsk about outsourcing children

Owllady · 31/05/2013 14:49

it's fair for the Dad to only have the responsibility of his child for 2 days out of 14 and the Mum has the other 12 and gets judged for it. I don't think that's equitable.

GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:50

I'm grateful because DS has Asperger's and child care for children with SN is almost impossible to find and often more expensive. But my parents loved him, so it wasn't a burden to care for him.
Now he does their garden, and a lot of their shopping and takes books back to the library for them and....Smile

Secondme · 31/05/2013 14:57

Isn't OP trying to say that she doesn't think the gp should have the boy all the time because it's not fair on them. I know my ILs wouldn't like it. (There is the dog though. Long story Hmm).
I'm pretty sure she meant that it would be unfair on the gp to take two boys not that it was inconvenient for her. (Unless I am a really bad judge of character). How old are the boys anyway?

Halfling · 31/05/2013 14:58

OP, maybe you are feeling that your PILs are not giving your DC the same amount of attention and love, if they always have your SIL's DS and are not available for your DC. In such a scenario, it is natural to feel left out and a bit jealous.

However, your SIL is a single parent working FT and needs support, which your PIls are willingly providing.

What you should ensure is that your DC gets a chance to bond with the grand parents. Find time during the week or weekend when the PILs are likey to be free and can happily focus on your DC.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 31/05/2013 15:01

So, you are a SAHM then OP?

You don't ever plan on returning to work/study/volunteer work for the next 18 years?

YOu cannot cast judgement on your SIL because you clearly have never had a full time job and a small child.

Dd was in full time nursery from 6 months. I was shattered from working full time, and looking after a baby, looking after the house, cooking etc. and I had DH there with me. I can't imagine trying to do all that alone, I think parents who do that are bloody amazing and deserve a break.

You come across as jealous and quite frankly selfish.

And, I think it's quite normal to want a break from your children. I don't feel the need to spend every moment that I am not at work with my children. They stay with my mum, or my mother in law or their aunties at weekends sometimes because they like it.
Seeing extended family, going to visit or going to stay isn't abnormal.

WeAreEternal · 31/05/2013 15:02

To be honest it really isn't your business, if PIL DN AND SIL are happy you should really keep out of it.

My exSIL is the same, DBRO has his kids every weekend Friday (pick up from school/nursery) til he drops the at school/nursery on Monday.
They have always gone to nursery full time 9-4 since they were young (which my DBRO pays for) even though exSIL doesn't work.
Her parents have the DCs two days a week after school and my parents have them two days dropping them home at bedtime.

At first everyone thought she struggled on her own, which is why she hardly looks after them herself, but really I think she is just lazy.

Other than this she is quite nice and we have always go on well. So I decided to just stay out of it and not voice my opinions or get involved, and that works well for us.

burberryqueen · 31/05/2013 15:04

i dont know, sounds like you hate her for being a single mother tbh, there is a lot of it about, subconscious or otherwise.

HollyBerryBush · 31/05/2013 15:04

We just happen to think that parents should be the main carers when possible.

Bet you're a bundle of fun at Christmas

StuntGirl · 31/05/2013 15:09

You sound incredibly judgemental and harsh OP.

YABVU.

Summerblaze · 31/05/2013 15:11

My SIL is a single parent who works full time. GP's do the childcare during the week, take her to school etc and throughout the holidays. I don't mind at all and also help her out myself. She doesn't have alternate weekends with ex though as he has buggered off. I think if she has a chance to go out then she should take it. GP's don't have mine as much as we have my parents and each other if we aren't going out together. She doesn't have as many options. I agree with a pp 'it takes a village to raise a child'.

That said, now my DD has gotten older she has a few jealousy problems with GP and DN. We explain the reasons why but she doesn't understand why DN is always there and she isn't.

diddl · 31/05/2013 15:16

"We just happen to think that parents should be the main carers when possible."-but it's not possible.

Who will pay the bills if she doesn't work-her ex??!!

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 15:17

Op yanu, it greats.
My sil has depression and my sister is a simgle parent where the father is not in the picture so only help she gets is my mum and dad. My dn are always at my parents, they sleep there, she takes them to school and they have tea at my mums every night.

I have depression, two young children and a disabled dh I care for and I was told I couldnt spend xmas at my mums cos my sister was there and my family cant go over and stay a weekend cos the children arw there. I live 90 miles away and I havent seen my mum (70yo) in 4 months as I cant aford to go and stay in a hotel or make a 18 month old spend 4 hours in a car.

So because of my sister being a single parent and sil having PND my children never get to see their gps and my dd is the only girl in the family who does not know my mum.

My mum may have cancer and is having scans and im gutted my children may never know my mum because of their selfishness.

I understand its because they are worried sil may harm her two year old and its hard being a single parent but my children and I are paying for it :(

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 15:18

Also both sister and sil do not work and are sahm.

LadyMaiBlossom · 31/05/2013 15:19

And the live 5 min walk away and see my mum and dad every day.