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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister-in-law should look after her own child?!

138 replies

MaddyM · 31/05/2013 13:44

We both had children at roughly the same time, but unfortunately her marriage broke up before he was a year old. Since then it seems that her parents (my in-laws) have him nearly all the time! My SIL and her ex alternate weekends, but nearly every weekend my SIL is supposed to have him she's got something else on that she can't possibly miss and dumps him on her parents. Same with school holidays. It seems so ridiculous and means that every time we need our son looked after (which frankly isn't often), they've already got my nephew! I think they spend more time with him than his mother! AIBU to think that she should spend a bit more time with her son and a bit less time going out?
Have bitten my tongue so hard today that I had to vent somewhere!

OP posts:
ubik · 31/05/2013 14:00

Couldn't they just look after both of them Confused

StillSeekingSpike · 31/05/2013 14:00

If you and yr husband believe that parents should be the main carers- then wHy complain about your inlaws? Surely you should be glad that you get your child all the time?
Perhaps you should create a spreadsheet for how long she spends with her child each week...

Floralnomad · 31/05/2013 14:00

Have they told you that they don't want to look after him ? YABVU. Perhaps she needs to work full time to keep a roof over her head ,lots of parents do the same .

morethanpotatoprints · 31/05/2013 14:00

YANBU because you have a child who will grow up wondering why?
my ils have spoiled dd with money and time and not her brothers. completely different I know, but the dc still notice and it can hurt.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2013 14:01

We? No, YOU. It doesn't matter what you think. Maybe your ILs think their son married a judgey moo, but they mind their own business, and so should you.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 31/05/2013 14:01

If they're happy to have him and it's every other weekend then I think you're being mean to her and it does sound like you're pissed off rather than feeling sorry for your PiL..

CorrStagnitto · 31/05/2013 14:02

oh ffs sake, so she works FT and is a single parent but is not allowed a life at the weekends? Hmm

id say she sounds like she is doing a fantastic job if she is managing all that alone and deserves a break

coppertop · 31/05/2013 14:02

So in every 14 day period:

  • the ds spends 2 days with his father
  • up to 2 days with his grandparents
  • 10 days with his mother

and you think your SIL is the one "dumping" her child? Confused

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:04

you're being unpleasant and resentful.if grandparent want see chid up to them
she v fortunate to have accommodating,available grandparents
shame you're the nippy sweetie sister in law

janey68 · 31/05/2013 14:05

I think the OP does have a point if it seems the grandparents might be feeling obliged to do this and that it's hard to say no. Also, she said her SIL has alternate weekends completely child free, allowing plenty of socialising time where she wouldn't need to organise and pay for a babysitter. Also, if the GPs are genuinely finding the childcare such a strain that its minimising the time they could be spending with their other grandchild, then that's also a legitimate concern, and is one of the problems which can arise in families where one set of parents use the grandparents for regular childcare and monopolise their time and energy
HOWEVER the one thing that makes me unsympathetic is it sounds like the OP is annoyed only because she feels its affecting what she might get, rather than genuinely being concerned about the GPs being taken advantage of

GoblinGranny · 31/05/2013 14:05

'I repeat it's NOT because we want them to look after our son! We just happen to think that parents should be the main carers when possible.'

And you know the joy of living in a free society is that you are free to choose how to care for your children in any way you like provided it's not deemed harmful by the law.
You sound unpleasant, and to describe sharing a child with people who love him as dumping is unfair. What sort of a relationship do you have with your inlaws? How does your partner get on with his parents? loving and close and supportive? or not.
Perhaps it isn't your child that's the issue but you? You sound difficult to get along with, and very unwilling to let others live their lives.
If the child is loved, happy and thriving then that's great. My parents looked after my children a lot over the years, but it's always been a balanced relationship and after 20 years of it, they are now the ones being cared for and helped by two grandchildren and a family that loves and appreciates them. That's how it should be in our opinion.

mrsjay · 31/05/2013 14:05

My mum was a single parent for about 8/9 yrs i spent every weekend at my nans house I never felt dumped my mum worked shitty jobs so during the weekend she could go out or whatever , so what if a gp has a grandchild I think it is nice takes a village and all that malarky

TolliverGroat · 31/05/2013 14:06

Are you planning to organise your lives and that of your son around whatever your SIL "just happens to think" you should do?

If not, I am at a loss to see why you believe she should do the equivalent.

Original poster
MaddyM · 31/05/2013 14:06

No, in 14 days, he spends 8 days at nursery, 4 days with gps and 2 days with dad.

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 31/05/2013 14:07

Well, they obviously feel that she needs their help given she's now a single parent. It makes it tough on you though, but that's just the way it is sometimes I'm afraid.

CorrStagnitto · 31/05/2013 14:07

It seems so ridiculous and means that every time we need our son looked after (which frankly isn't often), they've already got my nephew!

do you even realise how selfish and petty this makes you sound?

Owllady · 31/05/2013 14:08

I can understand it a bit as my SIL was like this and even when my nephew was over 16 she would make some excuse so that MIL had to be there and couldn't come to ours etc and if MIL wouldn't do it she would say 'well you are never seeing your grandson again!' (I was witness to this, god it's laughable now) but tbh the conclusion i eventually came to was that my own SIL was a prat.

Maybe instead of getting angry about it look at ways to get sitting without using the in laws. Sitters.co.uk etc

expatinscotland · 31/05/2013 14:08

And? You have given this some thought to have calculated out her schedule.

motherinferior · 31/05/2013 14:09

I think that

(a) she's a single parent working full-time and it's really up to her
(b) saying that 'we think parents should be the primary carers' is a statement that radiates Smug Coupledom from its onset.

coppertop · 31/05/2013 14:09

I didn't realise nurseries now offered 24hr care.

CorrStagnitto · 31/05/2013 14:09

No he doesnt spend 8 days at nursery, he spends 8 days and nights with his mother but goes to nursery for some part of the day while she works, what do you suggest she do? give up her job?

usualsuspect · 31/05/2013 14:10

When my DD was a single parent and worked I had My grandchildren every weekend.

I still have them most Sundays because they like coming here and I like having them.

caramelwaffle · 31/05/2013 14:11

Your nephew spends days at the nursery and evenings and nights with his mother.

More power to her elbow for keeping hold of a full time job. She sounds smart. And the grandparents, loving.

D0oinMeCleanin · 31/05/2013 14:12

Whoa, wait a minute, there are nurseries that care for children for 8 whole days and nights in a row???

Why has no-one told me this? Sod the kids club, mine are going to nursery when we go on holiday Grin

EcoRI · 31/05/2013 14:12

They're her parents. They're helping her out by taking care of their grandchild.
What's wrong with that? It's totally normal.