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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my MIL to stay away this time?

103 replies

User212434884 · 29/05/2013 17:27

I genuinely don't know if I'm being reasonable about this any more.

The back story: DH's parents live abroad. When I was expecting my DD (first baby) I felt strongly that I wanted time to bond with the baby with DH, and keep visitors to a minimum for the first couple of weeks. Because of the distance I knew that the PILs would want to come and stay for a week or more, and it was just an extra pressure I felt I didn't want to deal with in the early days of being a new mum. I know the PILs mean well, were excited and genuinely wanted to help, but they are also extremely opinionated, stubborn and hard work to be around. My MIL commented on and and tried to impose her views on everything during my pregnancy (didn't understand why I wanted to BF, disagreed with the amount of mat leave I was planning to take, was horrified by how much weight I was putting on, etc., etc.) I knew she wouldn't hold back once the baby arrived (and believe me, I was not wrong). Our house is small so no one would have their own space, and they get bored easily so I knew we'd end up feeling we had to entertain them.

I explained to DH why I didn't want his parents to plan to come over when the baby was only a day or two old, and asked him to set expectations that they'd come over sometime in the the second week after we were home from hospital, when we were settled and ready. I also asked him not to tell them (or anyone) when I went into labour as I didn't want them to have time to turn up at the hospital if they decided it would be nice to 'surprise' us.

DH agreed initially, but then started to back track and said it wasn't fair as his parents live far away and my family get to see us all the time, and that I was being 'unkind' to them. I didn't change my mind, but lo and behold, I went into labour, he called them (without telling me), and they managed to book their travel and get here about 6 hours after I got home from the hospital, and stayed for a week!

This is getting long so I won't go into detail, but let's just say that although I tried to be generous towards them and make the best of it, it ruined the early days as a family, made me very anxious and affected bonding with DD and my confidence as a mum (I felt really imposed upon and generally scrutinised and undermined). I got PND due to a combination of factors, and while it would be ridiculous to say that visit was the trigger, it definitely didn't help.

We're expecting DC2 and this time time I have told DH absolutely categorically that they are NOT COMING FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS. Not staying with us, not setting foot in the country, until we are settled as a family and tell them we are ready. DH was a bit shocked and told me 'not to go on about it', but accepted. Now the stuff about it 'not being fair' has started again!

I do not want them to come, and I will not be letting them in the door if they and DH ignore me this time and they still come. AIBU??

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2013 17:28

No you are not.

I'd say they can come whenever but need to stay somewhere else.

squeakytoy · 29/05/2013 17:30

Are your own parents "allowed" to visit during the first two weeks?

Original poster
User212434884 · 29/05/2013 17:30

The issue is still the same if they stay somewhere else (I ended up begging someone to have them for part of the time) as they expect to turn up at 9am and stay all day...

OP posts:
schobe · 29/05/2013 17:32

YANBU about them staying in your house. But I suspect YABU about their not being allowed to enter the country or even hear about the birth Grin

So tell them, or rather your DH can tell them, they need to book a hotel.

Otherwise book a hotel yourself and threaten to use the room if they don't

I think this probably runs a bit deeper and your DH will renege again. Problem lies with your DH basically not agreeing with you or backing you up in terms of these unhelpful comments from your MIL. You need a proper chat about this without him shutting you down and basically doing whatever he wants in the event.

Original poster
User212434884 · 29/05/2013 17:32

Squeaky my family will be 'allowed' to pop in for half an hour at a time or so (and actually it's my house and my baby so I think I do have the right to make some rules about that), but I actually feel similarly about it.

OP posts:
schobe · 29/05/2013 17:34

You can surely disappear upstairs with the baby if they insist on coming at 9 and staying all day?

Again, your DH should be on board and arranging trips out with them and your other DC while they're over, rather than sitting for 12 hours straight in your house.

DH is your most immediate problem I think.

ArtexMonkey · 29/05/2013 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
User212434884 · 29/05/2013 17:35

Schobe he can tell them about the birth Grin I just didn't want them told the minute I got a contraction as I had a feeling they'd just turn up (which they did)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/05/2013 17:36

It is also your husbands house, and your husbands baby too.. so on that basis YABU to differentiate between his parents and your own.

By all means say that they cannot stay, but to ban them from visiting while your own family are allowed to is petty, selfish, and in the long run doing no favours to family relationships at all.

2rebecca · 29/05/2013 17:37

I would TELL him that if he invites his parents to stay in your house for the first 2 weeks then you will stay elsewhere and that it is fair because you don't want any house guests for the first fornight not just them. They can stay locally but not in your house and not visit for prolonged periods. tell him you will be sore, bleeding heavily and emotional and this is not a good combination with visitors.
I don't see what the rush is this time round, newborn babies really aren't that exciting. I think they're much cuter at about 3 months.

Original poster
User212434884 · 29/05/2013 17:37

schobe I did do that last time, but I felt like I was hiding out in my own house for half the day, when I just wanted a few days with DH and DD to bond and recover (I'd had an awful birth too and was in a state, which they didn't consider when they decided to come)

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 29/05/2013 17:43

Why on earth should the OP have to disappear to her own room just to get some space in her own home?

The real problem here is that her DH is not respecting her wishes or making an effort to understand why she feels this way. He should be listening to her and putting the needs of his DW and children over the wishes of his parents.

A hotel does seem the best way forward, and I don't feel you should have to be entertaining the ILs all day. Let your DH do that.

JenaiMorris · 29/05/2013 17:43

Yup, what squeakytoy said.

ArtexMonkey · 29/05/2013 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daftdame · 29/05/2013 17:44

Forget nesting and start junking up the guest room now! You could say you are just sorting stuff....which would not be a lie. Wink

FaithLehane · 29/05/2013 17:44

Tell the day he gives birth to one of your children is the day he can dictate who comes and visits after the baby is born. Until that day you're the one who is pushing something the size a melon out of your vagina so therefore your in charge. I agree with 2rebecca tell him you'll be going to stay elsewhere with your baby (your mum's perhaps?) if they decide to come and stay after the birth.

ArtexMonkey · 29/05/2013 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schobe · 29/05/2013 17:47

They may have decided to come, but your DH let them - in fact it sounds like he positively encouraged them and opened your home to them.

Why could he not have said, 'no don't come yet' or 'ok but I'll have to book you a B&B'?

If he is not hearing how important this is to you, then you need to make him hear. But you need to think of something - what exactly will deter him from doing the same thing as last time? He obviously feels that upsetting his parents will cause him more problems than upsetting you (or in fact potentially destroying your mental health again).

I'm not one for an ultimatum or empty threat, but if he values your views and feelings so little you need to explain that you will be GONE if they come this time. But you have to mean it.

NoelHeadbands · 29/05/2013 17:48

It might be the husbands house and the husbands baby but unfortunately it will definitely be the OP who has to give birth, and the OP who will be leaking and bleeding and wildly hormonal for several weeks afterward.

I'm all for equality when it comes to in laws (I've got it all to come with 2 sons myself) but this is one time when I think what the mother wants trumps anyone else

ApocalypseThen · 29/05/2013 17:48

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I also don't think you're going to get what you want. I think you need to go about this from a different angle. Your husband will tell his parents. They will come.

And you need to let him know exactly how you expect him to sort it out at that point - their accommodation, how long they can visit and trips with your elder child.

schobe · 29/05/2013 17:48

I mean come to stay in your home. I agree with those that say they can't be banned from visiting if your parents aren't.

ArtexMonkey · 29/05/2013 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 29/05/2013 17:51

So to make it fair the ILs can visit on exactly the same terms as the OP's family - for half an hour at a time.

I would be angry and very upset if my DH had prioritised the wishes of any family member ( mine or his ) over my need to recover from a traumatic birth with a bit of privacy in my own home. As it happens MIL was at ours by chance when DC2 was born, but she is brilliant - and she went home after we came out of hospital, to give us some space.

schobe · 29/05/2013 17:52

Yy MIL was staying with us by chance too when DC1 came early.

She was ok but it was not ideal. So I am feeling your pain OP.

Badvoc · 29/05/2013 17:54

I think your dh may the problem here!