to ask my MIL to stay away this time?

[User212434884]

I genuinely don't know if I'm being reasonable about this any more.

The back story: DH's parents live abroad. When I was expecting my DD (first baby) I felt strongly that I wanted time to bond with the baby with DH, and keep visitors to a minimum for the first couple of weeks. Because of the distance I knew that the PILs would want to come and stay for a week or more, and it was just an extra pressure I felt I didn't want to deal with in the early days of being a new mum. I know the PILs mean well, were excited and genuinely wanted to help, but they are also extremely opinionated, stubborn and hard work to be around. My MIL commented on and and tried to impose her views on everything during my pregnancy (didn't understand why I wanted to BF, disagreed with the amount of mat leave I was planning to take, was horrified by how much weight I was putting on, etc., etc.) I knew she wouldn't hold back once the baby arrived (and believe me, I was not wrong). Our house is small so no one would have their own space, and they get bored easily so I knew we'd end up feeling we had to entertain them.

I explained to DH why I didn't want his parents to plan to come over when the baby was only a day or two old, and asked him to set expectations that they'd come over sometime in the the second week after we were home from hospital, when we were settled and ready. I also asked him not to tell them (or anyone) when I went into labour as I didn't want them to have time to turn up at the hospital if they decided it would be nice to 'surprise' us.

DH agreed initially, but then started to back track and said it wasn't fair as his parents live far away and my family get to see us all the time, and that I was being 'unkind' to them. I didn't change my mind, but lo and behold, I went into labour, he called them (without telling me), and they managed to book their travel and get here about 6 hours after I got home from the hospital, and stayed for a week!

This is getting long so I won't go into detail, but let's just say that although I tried to be generous towards them and make the best of it, it ruined the early days as a family, made me very anxious and affected bonding with DD and my confidence as a mum (I felt really imposed upon and generally scrutinised and undermined). I got PND due to a combination of factors, and while it would be ridiculous to say that visit was the trigger, it definitely didn't help.

We're expecting DC2 and this time time I have told DH absolutely categorically that they are NOT COMING FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS. Not staying with us, not setting foot in the country, until we are settled as a family and tell them we are ready. DH was a bit shocked and told me 'not to go on about it', but accepted. Now the stuff about it 'not being fair' has started again!

I do not want them to come, and I will not be letting them in the door if they and DH ignore me this time and they still come. AIBU??

I'm worried about this too OP. When I was pregnant with DS, MIL announced her intention to come and stay for two weeks. Apparently her own MIL did the same and she found it helpful.

I flat out refused, and as it turned out, both PIL ended up with raging colds when DS was born so didn't visit for a week anyway glossing over the fact that I had raging mastitis on the day they did visit and they insisted on showing up at 8am and staying til 2am the next day...

Anyway, when DS was a few months old we were visiting them and I overheard DH and MIL talking. DH was telling her about my PND and how hard it was. MIL said "see, you could have done with me there" to which DH replied "well, I didn't mind, it was Lady that minded".

I'm now 24 weeks with DC2 and she has started making the same noises again, only this time she is backing it up with how hard we found the newborn stage last time, and it was only because "I wasn't right in the head with the depression" that I didn't want her there.

If you work out a way of politely telling her to fuck off, can you let me know what it is?!?

Schobe, why on earth should OP have to hide upstairs while her PIL have the run of her house and monopolise her DH during his paternity leave (I expect) as he's supposed to be entertaining them and organising outings for them?

OP, YANBU. I had very similar guidelines for the first two weeks - no more than one visitor a day, for no more than an hour, for the first two weeks. We needed it, particularly me.

My PILs came (a 3-hour trip each way) when DS was 2 weeks and spent half a day with us, SIL did similar at three weeks and my parents (who live abroad, a 24-hour flight away) came at the pre-arranged time of 5 weeks after due date (thankfully also 5 weeks after birth, well done DS). Crucially, they stayed somewhere else.

Yes. This obsession with 'fairness' applies only to the GPs.

Nobody applies such fairness to the new mother! Ridiculous.

The op can have who she wants to stay, when she wants. Tough titties, so to speak.

Personally, I would be telling my husband that if his parents are more important than his wife and family then he can have a divorce and marry them instead.

He has already proved that he has zero respect for your wishes. I would put money on him doing exactly the same again. He sounds like a knob.

It absolutely isn't one of those times when the in-laws and the parents are the same. Do I want my FIL to see my breasts? No. Is DH expected to feed the baby with his breasts? No. See? Not the same.

My pushy but lovely MIL, now deceased, insisted on coming for the due date, even though I asked her not to. DD was over two weeks late and she had to go home. Luckily, she was lovely in most other ways and I miss her now.

Thanks everyone for all the replies and suggestions.

In terms of me saying 'my house, my baby, my rules', I think I am feeling particularly hardcore about it this time as clearly last time none of those things seemed to matter! Yes of course it's also DH's house and baby equally, but I think if there's a competition over who's needs come first, it is DC2/DD's and then mine (as a newly delivered mother, most likely emotionally and physically wrecked) who is the main person making sure DC2s and DD's needs are met. DH's are next, and then everyone else can join the queue...

I do agree with those who are saying DH is the main issue in this. He is generally assertive in life, but just crap when it comes to standing up to his mother, and it's been the same for a decade TBH. The PIL have said and done some pretty outrageous things before and after DD was born (I will out myself if I tell the more extreme stories but many of them involve my wishes with DD being completely ignored - i.e. solid food being given at four months behind my back when I said we were waiting for six). He gets annoyed too, BUT says we only have to see them a few times a year so it's not worth causing bad feeling with them. I've told him he has to back me as a united front when these things happen, but he never says anything to them. If I stand up to them I then just look like the precious bitch.

I have actually said I don't want them coming to the country at all for two weeks, not just that they can't stay with us, which an absolute given this time as there's no spare room once DC2 arrives (they'd happily sleep on the sofabed though). If they are here I just can't trust they'd respect any conditions I'd lay down - like visiting for half an hour/an hour at a time like everyone else - and I can't trust DH to back me up.

Behind all this is a genuine concern about reducing the chances of PND returning this time, it's just about me not wanting THEM there. I don't want anyone there imposing their thoughts and wishes on us, or inhibiting me from following my instincts with the DCs. I want the early days to be about giving DC2 and us the best start as a family unit. It's a whole other thread but my own mum made DD's birth all about her by insisting on being there which neither of us wanted (DH really resented that). Between the PILs and my own family it felt like the whole experience was about other people and what they wanted.

LadyFlumpalot maybe we could do a swap - I'll tell yours to fuck off, and you do mine?

It's NOT just about me not wanting them here - sorry, not clear

Maybe you just need to accept you might look like a precious bitch to them, but actually it's worth it?

If they come round at 10am, say "lovely to see you, you'll need to leave before lunch time though as I need to see to the DC, ok?". And then at 11am cheerfully remind them that it is time to go. Don't be afraid to make and scene if they refuse to shift!

I think then you need to put equal rules in, neither set of parents for the first fortnight. Hard on your parents, but if your mum is also a nightmare it might be good for you too. You can sell it to her as the only way to stop your MIL visiting.

Why do people think equal rules need to apply to both gps??!

When you've just given birth, you can't walk, can't sit down, you're headfucked and sleep deprived, seeing your inlaws is hard bloody work. Seeing your own parents (who brought you up, and know you better than anyone) is fine.

You can tell your own mother to back off!!!! Not so easy telling the MIL.

With our next child, I will definitely be telling MIL to back off for at least a month. Tough. I want my own mum there.

Of course you dont want them there! They are disrespectful to you, and interfering with a new mums bonding with her baby, in her own home!

It is hard to set boundaries, when not even your husband respects you.....

If they only see you a few times a year then I really don't see the problem them waiting until the baby is a little older and you more organised.

It's very different your parents coming and IL not because your parents are local and will be gone after an hour. I think the posters who don't get this, have not had "difficult" in-laws imposed on them shortly after birth

LadyFlumpalot - how about "MIL, I know you want to come and help, but you see, if I'm struggling, I'm going to be tempted to let you take over and look after the baby, if I do that, while it'll help in the short term, it'll mean I don't properly bond with the baby and that will make the PND worse. I really know you want to help, but I think it's best for the whole family if we put up short term pain for long term gain. I've taken some advise from PND specialists on this, family being around doesn't reduce the chance of you having PND with a second child, it actually increases it. But thank you, it's really kind you want to help, it's just a pity you can't, something DH and I have to cope with as a couple." delivered with a big smile (doesn't matter that it's bollocks about the family help, wrap it up as 'latest studies' and stick to it).

Can't help with the MIL issues as I have a fab one but with the unwelcome advice - simply start chanting in your head 'ignore, ignore, ignore' every time you get given some advice that is not what you want. Practice having confidence in your parenting choices. I have to say if anyone didn't follow my wishes with my DC when looking after them, that would be the last time they looked after the DC. I'm quite relaxed about most things but forcing food early when it is known you were waiting till 6 months would make me see red. If all else fails (and I sincerely hope your DH grows a backbone and the worst doesn't happen) and as a slightly light hearted suggestion, start imagining her as a hippo whenever she's giving advice - everyone laughed at reggie perrin for doing it but it undermined everything she ever said...... I just cannot understand why people think it is acceptable to impose themselves on a family so shortly after a birth. My MIL once said something very wise (that might be worth popping into conversation with yours) 'when your sons marry you have a choice, gain a daughter or lose a son'.

Alternatively could your midwife or GP have a serious chat with your DH about PND and not making it worse by allowing this.

Ladyflumpalot in all seriousness, it sounds like we have very similar worries: a pushy MIL, and DH that won't back us, and legitimate concerns about preventing a return of PND. I expect that my MIL (mostly being genuine, and also using it a little bit to get her own way) will also make the argument to DH that we really need their help because of the risk of PND, and I need the DCs taken off my hands as much as possible. The simple fact is that DH is an excellent dad and fantastic domestically, so with him off on paternity leave we'll have it covered (also I have enough friends and family to babysit DD for a couple of hours - plus a brilliant childminder - if we all need a nap).

I like dontmindifIdo's suggestions. I was actually thinking of calling my old psychiatrist and talking to him about this, as I think he would be concerned, if only because I'm worrying about it so much. I could then tell DH and PILs honestly that he has told me I need to have as much space as possible for the first few weeks. I'll probably say he said this, even if he doesn't

Hearing someone else's story actually makes me even more angry, and I think we both need to really make a stand. Why does it have to be all about what the PILs think is best? What is hilarious to me is that MIL tells a story about how her family turned up and stayed when she had DH, didn't help with anything and expected to be entertained, and she's still upset about it now...the irony...but she doesn't see the parallel!

" If I stand up to them I then just look like the precious bitch."
From what you've said, I'm not sure I'd give a toss WHAT they thought of me when I stood up to them .

Yes, your DH is your immediate problem; he really hasn't accepted that your MIL is a problem so soon after the birth. So maybe it would be best to cut out the middle man. Call her up and talk to her direct. "MIL, I had a horrible time with PND last time, and I will do whatever it takes to minimise the risk of that happening to me again. I will not endanger my health, and I will be asking all the family to support me in that. This time round, I will be keeping everything everything as quiet and intimate as I can because this is the advice I have taken from my midwife." (I would totally consider it OK to stretch the truth.) "So for the first two or three weeks, it's best if visits are kept very brief, half an hour or so. That given, I think it's best you don't come over until three weeks after the birth. I realise it's a lot to ask, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to feel responsible should I still get PND."

'when your sons marry you have a choice, gain a daughter or lose a son' this is excellent (I'll remember this if I ever have a boy!)

Piglit - also a good point. I could ask the psychiatrist to talk to DH actually. It would probably make a difference for a professional to tell him to effing listen to me this time

Ooh, x-post !

I hope all of those who say the in laws can't visit remember this if they are the mother of boys and want to visit their GDC!!!

Just be honest yourself OP and say you and your nuclear family don't want any visitors at all in the first week-but you must be fair and that includes your family too-how unfair that your family who you are close to can visit, but your DH family who he is close to can't. I appreciate the pushing a melon out of your fanjo and hormones and all of that stuff-but doesn't anyone actually talk to their DH and respective a families any more?

"MIL tells a story about how her family turned up and stayed when she had DH, didn't help with anything and expected to be entertained, and she's still upset about it now...the irony...but she doesn't see the parallel!"
Then I would point it out to her. Repeatedly if necessary.

I think you need to treat all your relatives equally.

So all visitors who come at the time when they're invited, treat you with respect, help out a bit/don't expect to be waited on, leave after not too long, and generally are pleasant company, should be invited to visit. Those relatives who are opinionated, overbearing, critical, inconsiderate, turn up uninvited and stay all day etc etc - those relatives should be told to leave immediately. There you go, one rule for all, perfectly fair.

This isn't a MIL/Mum thing, is it? Its a selfish cow / helpful loving woman thing, really. I had my MIL around when my babies were tiny, and kept my Mum at arms-length.

Yanbu. I was totally overwhelmed by visitors with DD1. It made it so hard with trying to establish BF, I wasn't comfortable getting my boobs out infront of my FIL etc..! I just found it stressful, and was annoyed that my visitors were having cuddles with My new baby instead of me!

There is NO WAY I could have coped with the PIL staying for 2 weeks!!!

I think they should know when baby is born but you are totally reasonable in requesting that they give you a couple of weeks to settle and form your bond first. That said, I would restrict all visitors so that PIL don't feel like they are last to meet baby.

Whereyouleftit I think talking to her myself might end up being the solution, but I'd rather it was the last resort.

I do feel that DH should in this case just man up and back me by telling them that it's what we're asking for as a couple. I'm fed up of being the only one to say anything and I don't really need the stress of an argument with them.

Is there any chance of your PIL's staying with your parents and each being given the role of keeping the other ones in line (message given as softly as possible so each get the message and sees their own role in creating stress)

But surely the op is not being respecting of her husbands wishes here either. It's his house nd his baby too. Tell hubby to put them in a hotel and make sure you have ground rules for visiting.