to ask my MIL to stay away this time?

[User212434884]

I genuinely don't know if I'm being reasonable about this any more.

The back story: DH's parents live abroad. When I was expecting my DD (first baby) I felt strongly that I wanted time to bond with the baby with DH, and keep visitors to a minimum for the first couple of weeks. Because of the distance I knew that the PILs would want to come and stay for a week or more, and it was just an extra pressure I felt I didn't want to deal with in the early days of being a new mum. I know the PILs mean well, were excited and genuinely wanted to help, but they are also extremely opinionated, stubborn and hard work to be around. My MIL commented on and and tried to impose her views on everything during my pregnancy (didn't understand why I wanted to BF, disagreed with the amount of mat leave I was planning to take, was horrified by how much weight I was putting on, etc., etc.) I knew she wouldn't hold back once the baby arrived (and believe me, I was not wrong). Our house is small so no one would have their own space, and they get bored easily so I knew we'd end up feeling we had to entertain them.

I explained to DH why I didn't want his parents to plan to come over when the baby was only a day or two old, and asked him to set expectations that they'd come over sometime in the the second week after we were home from hospital, when we were settled and ready. I also asked him not to tell them (or anyone) when I went into labour as I didn't want them to have time to turn up at the hospital if they decided it would be nice to 'surprise' us.

DH agreed initially, but then started to back track and said it wasn't fair as his parents live far away and my family get to see us all the time, and that I was being 'unkind' to them. I didn't change my mind, but lo and behold, I went into labour, he called them (without telling me), and they managed to book their travel and get here about 6 hours after I got home from the hospital, and stayed for a week!

This is getting long so I won't go into detail, but let's just say that although I tried to be generous towards them and make the best of it, it ruined the early days as a family, made me very anxious and affected bonding with DD and my confidence as a mum (I felt really imposed upon and generally scrutinised and undermined). I got PND due to a combination of factors, and while it would be ridiculous to say that visit was the trigger, it definitely didn't help.

We're expecting DC2 and this time time I have told DH absolutely categorically that they are NOT COMING FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS. Not staying with us, not setting foot in the country, until we are settled as a family and tell them we are ready. DH was a bit shocked and told me 'not to go on about it', but accepted. Now the stuff about it 'not being fair' has started again!

I do not want them to come, and I will not be letting them in the door if they and DH ignore me this time and they still come. AIBU??

MistyB PIL's have stayed with my family before. My mum has (really nicely) suggested she'd rather not do it this time as it was quite a stress for her too. Last time they stayed with her she spent ages ferrying them about, did loads of cooking, and generally fretted as they are very different to her (and FIL is in particular a miserable sod quite hard to please). When they descended after DD was born she helped me by trying to 'manage' them and keep them out of our house - taking them on long errands and suggesting pub meals etc., but it was quite a lot to ask and I know she isn't really comfortable with it.

Interesting one to ask one set to keep the others in line - I'm sure MIL would not be backwards in telling my mum when she's being OTT (which sometimes she is too...)

OP do you also have probs standing up to your mother? How om earth did she end up at the delivery if you didn't want her there?

Or have I read it wrong?

OP, please do put your foot down. Second time round is the time to get it right, and to do it on your terms.
After dc1 was born, DH's parents, brother and sister all came to our house the next day and stayed four hours and didn't lift a finger and I was knackered and just wanted to snuggle my baby but no she was passed round the rellies and I didn't get to hold her .
I had dc2 last summer and after he was born, DH rang MIL who was in the car being driven by FIL up the motorway (2 hours away from us and in the wrong direction). Her first comment was "FIL turn the car round! We've got to go down to xxxx (town)!" Fortunately DH's first comment was "no mum, we're going to have a bit of time as a family, we'll call you to let you know when you can come". Awesome. We had almost a week just the four of us before parents came and when they did they stayed in a b&b.
Sometimes I feel almost like only dc2 is properly mine and I can do things the way I want with him. It is quite healing. I felt like I lost a bit of dc1 because of having to share her with the in laws so much. She was the first grandchild on that side and all the family, DH's siblings too, were so possessive of her.

I can understand differentiating between your parents and his. It is a completely different situation to have relatives who are popping in, and others turning up from another country and being reliant on you for accommodation and entertainment.

I have a toxic MIL and would be furious if my partner went behind my back like he did with your previous birth. You had a fear of what would happen, and you turned out to be right. They turned up uninvited and ruined your first days as a family. Tell him you do not want a repeat of last time, and as others have said I would be making it very awkward for him and them if they did turn up before you were ready.

Can you speak to them and explain you would love them to come for a visit once you are settled at home, it's only a couple of weeks in the grand scheme of things. Maybe say they will have more time alone with you all once the whirlwind of visitors has settled down a bit.

OP, I really don't think YABU. Apart from anything else, if they came to stay immediately after your baby is born, it may damage your relationship with them beyond repair. I too could never have forgiven my DH for ringing when I went into labour the first time after they immediately came over.

My in laws want to come and stay when my baby will be a few weeks old. They live abroad also. They want to come then as they are in the UK at that time anyway, flying abroad elsewhere for the winter. Dh will be at work during this time and after their last visit when DH was away with work, when they treated my Mother like a servant, did nothing to help at all, not so much as a please or thankyou and treated my own DC from my first marriage like absolute shit, I have told DH in no uncertain terms that I do not want them to stay here. I have however compromised and said that they can stay elsewhere and visit in the evenings when he is home from work. If they try and visit during the day (and they won't, because they won't hire a car and will expect DH to ferry them about) then I will go out or refuse to answer the door. Can my Mother visit in the post natal period? You bet! I can trust her to look after my DC, I can be honest and tell her if I think she is being overbearing, although she isn't, and she helps with things. Plus, I am comfortable with my Mother seeing me in my pyjamas, getting breastfeeding established, with leaked milk all over my top, bleeding etc. Fair doesn't come into it.

Please ensure you stand up for yourself OP.

OP, your DH really needs to man up and look after his wife and DCs - you should be his priority at the moment, certainly not his parents! You should sit him down and have a proper discussion about it and how much it's affecting you (or show him this thread!).

I have two boys, so may well be the MIL one day. I fully expect that, no matter how good a relationship I manage to have with them, any DIL I have will be more comfortable with her own mother seeing her with stitches, bleeding, learning to breastfeed etc. I hope I'll be welcome to visit, but I'd be in a hotel and arriving with chocolate and sticking the kettle on.

Excellent post by Bertha. Why should people be treated equally well when they don't behave equally well?

I would have been beside myself if I had had unwanted houseguests after my first baby was born. I didn't want anyone to stay. I needed space and to find my own way.

I wouldn't be afraid of making myself unpleasant in order to make sure this did not happen again OP.

Agree with Cloverer as well, it is definitely worth coming across as a precious bitch! I know this is what my boyfriend's mum thinks of me, but it is preferable to her thinking she can trample all over me like she does everyone else in the family.

Iggi101, you sound like the best mil already.

DontMindIfIDo and Furcoatnodraws, good advice, thank you!

What I have done to date is inform DH that if he allows his mother to come stay for two weeks, I will be taking myself, DS and new baby to my dads empty holiday house at the other end of the country and having a lovely two week break by the seaside bonding with my babies without him or his family!

I will try the omission by flattery technique on MIL though!

Just so people know, there is no way in hell I want ANYONE staying with me for two weeks after birth, I can just about tolerate DH. Even my own mum is not welcome for more than an hour at a time!

When are you due OP?

If my son has a child by a woman I will not be chomping at the bit to visit asap and for as long as possible. I will hope that I will remebre how physically and emotionally knackered I was after the birth of my kids. It really was the worse time of my life. I'm usually fit and energetic but felt awful.
If you want a good relationship with your kids and grandkids you have to take a step back at the birth, remind yourself that it is an important stage for parents to bond with the baby and grandparents not to get in the way of that and piss people off and be prepared to wait until you are wanted. By the time the baby is a toddler (and much more fum) they'll be desperate for you to have it for a while.

I would not want ANYONE staying for more than half an hour so quickly after giving birth and I don't think any woman should have to.
Why people don't realise this is irritating and completely disrespectful is beyond me.
Unless scientists and inventors will work together and can make an invisible mother in law that can dispense painkillers, cups of tea and cake whilst holding a older sibling and your newborn using special magical powers to make the newborn sleep through the night. I would be happy with that.

All GP's should be treated equally assuming they behave appropriately and show respect (they fed your 4 months old DC solids behind your back?! You're a saint to have anything to do with them).

Obviously respect works both ways, they show you none therefore can't expect you to extend the welcome your own parents get.

Unfortunately as others have said the real problem here is your DH. It sounds like he agreed with you then just went and did what he/they wanted anyway. Oh dear... that's a bit worrying. I'd be wondering if he's going to do that again. You need to have a really serious chat about where his priorities must lie.

YANBU - it's not about fairness or treating people equally as theya ren't treating you the same way or equally
From your posts:
Your family will come for short visits and respect boundaries
Your ILs will come for an extended period of time and not respect your opinions or need for space.

Have you told DH everything you've said on here?

YANBU I hope you stick to your guns

I think that the day her husband has gone through a pregnancy, pushed out a baby from his "bottom", is oozing of blood and goo, feeling sore, have problems pooing, and need to ensure that he gets breast feeding established, as well as getting some rest and recover after birth, his wishes in terms of visitors will be respected, Cravey.

I have just read in one of previous posts about reducing the chance of PND returning. I think that alone is one strong reason your DH should give as the main reason for not wanting his parents straight away. Surely then they would understand?

The OP's needs trump the 'equal rights' of anyone else in this situation. She has been there before. She developed PND. She knows what she needs, and that is not prioritising anybody else's 'rights' over her own wellbeing.

I am staggered that so many people think otherwise.

Can you arrange to have them come but only on condition that they stay with your folks? They'll probably run a mile. You could get your parents to invite them mentioning how 'tough the first delivery was, how dd1 will need to adjust but I'm sure, like us that you'll want to sneak in for 30 mins a day with some fresh food and to collect the laundry'....

Put your foot down OP. Reiterating what others have suggested, could you arrange that they stay with your parents? This is what I did with mine and they all popped over during the day to cook, clean
and help with dd1. You might have to tell them straight and not rely on your dh. Good luck

OP, Do what ever you want to do,

I don't understand why people feel obliged to share their baby with others before they are ready to.

You should only oblige yourself, baby, child and your husband should be supporting that,

You can hardly get into bed with new-born and do skin to skin for hours if you have visitors.

when we had DS after losing his brothers, we came home, shut the door, and had no visitors(pre warned everyone,few tried it on) and we (baby,older DS, DH and I) just found our own beat,

he was much welcomed by all but only after we had had our time together, I know it made a huge difference to all of us, but for me it was essential (I was bombarded when I had DS1, then stillborn, then prem and death)

I needed to just be allowed to be with my baby and family and not think about anything else.

If you feel you need it and you want it, then anyone choosing not to hear or understand, doesn't really care about you or your baby, and is just being totally selfish, the baby doesn't give a shit who it sees, it wants skin to skin with mum really, so it's all for the visitors benefit, who if they really cared about mum and baby would arrange to visit later with good grace, especially if the mum has asked.

Diana Mager among many others should be enough of a warning to people who do not take PND seriously

"No, that does not work for me" anyone asking after that is rude, so tell them all to fuck off.

Thank you Winkywinkola - heaven help me if they don't like chocolate!

I had a very similar situation when DS1 was born, PILs stayed for two weeks and by the time they left I felt genuinely depressed and miserable and was spending all my time in my room with DS. Although even that didn't guarantee my privacy as they would just come in to "check on us" without knocking or asking. Anyway the same thing will absolutely not be happening again with DC2 when he/she arrives and I have been very clear with DH about that. A weekend visit staying in a hotel is far more reasonable and I am determined to stick to my guns about this. I think this is the one time in life that it is ok to be utterly selfish and put your own needs and that of DC first. I do understand why people on here are suggesting that GPs must be treated equally but I actually don't agree. I couldn't care less if my own parents see my boobs or see me cry or lose my temper and I can talk to them about any physical symptoms or discomfort (both of them are medical) but do not feel this way about my PIL. Similarly if my husband was recovering from some sort of medical procedure which meant he had stitches, was bleeding, exhausted, hormonal, had trouble going to the loo and needed to sit around in a dressing gown with half his body exposed I would not expect him to delight at the prospect of having my parents stay for a fortnight and of course he would be more comfortable with his own parents there. So no in this instance GPs are not comparable and as a mother of a son I hope I will remember this in years to come.
So my advice is to stand firm and not to compromise on what you are comfortable with. Your husband is trying to please everyone but ultimately you have to come first and I'm sure deep down he knows that and is just hoping to avoid a confrontation with his parents...

ps Iggi101 I wish you were my MIL!