to ask my MIL to stay away this time?

[User212434884]

I genuinely don't know if I'm being reasonable about this any more.

The back story: DH's parents live abroad. When I was expecting my DD (first baby) I felt strongly that I wanted time to bond with the baby with DH, and keep visitors to a minimum for the first couple of weeks. Because of the distance I knew that the PILs would want to come and stay for a week or more, and it was just an extra pressure I felt I didn't want to deal with in the early days of being a new mum. I know the PILs mean well, were excited and genuinely wanted to help, but they are also extremely opinionated, stubborn and hard work to be around. My MIL commented on and and tried to impose her views on everything during my pregnancy (didn't understand why I wanted to BF, disagreed with the amount of mat leave I was planning to take, was horrified by how much weight I was putting on, etc., etc.) I knew she wouldn't hold back once the baby arrived (and believe me, I was not wrong). Our house is small so no one would have their own space, and they get bored easily so I knew we'd end up feeling we had to entertain them.

I explained to DH why I didn't want his parents to plan to come over when the baby was only a day or two old, and asked him to set expectations that they'd come over sometime in the the second week after we were home from hospital, when we were settled and ready. I also asked him not to tell them (or anyone) when I went into labour as I didn't want them to have time to turn up at the hospital if they decided it would be nice to 'surprise' us.

DH agreed initially, but then started to back track and said it wasn't fair as his parents live far away and my family get to see us all the time, and that I was being 'unkind' to them. I didn't change my mind, but lo and behold, I went into labour, he called them (without telling me), and they managed to book their travel and get here about 6 hours after I got home from the hospital, and stayed for a week!

This is getting long so I won't go into detail, but let's just say that although I tried to be generous towards them and make the best of it, it ruined the early days as a family, made me very anxious and affected bonding with DD and my confidence as a mum (I felt really imposed upon and generally scrutinised and undermined). I got PND due to a combination of factors, and while it would be ridiculous to say that visit was the trigger, it definitely didn't help.

We're expecting DC2 and this time time I have told DH absolutely categorically that they are NOT COMING FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS. Not staying with us, not setting foot in the country, until we are settled as a family and tell them we are ready. DH was a bit shocked and told me 'not to go on about it', but accepted. Now the stuff about it 'not being fair' has started again!

I do not want them to come, and I will not be letting them in the door if they and DH ignore me this time and they still come. AIBU??

Artex I could go and stay with my parents. The thing is, it's my DCs actually being put last in that equation if I do that. I really want a couple of weeks to establish BF with DC2, get DD used to a new sibling, get DH and I on track with new routine as a family (there were so many opinions last time about how DD should be feeding, sleeping etc. - it was confusing and shook my confidence, his too I think if he was totally honest). I want to get our little family right, and then ENJOY visitors, his parents included. It was all wrong last time, the visitors' needs came first it seemed.

The bit about it being your house and your baby is a bit off to me, it's your DH's house and baby as well.

You can't ban them from the country. Rather than being extreme, it's best to handle a situation like this. Is there any reason they can't be asked to stick to the same rules as your side of the family?

Don't tell your husband you have gone into labour!

Seriously though, I really feel for you. I know grandparents are excited but the early days are so tough that you really don't need any extra pressure.

Compromise - they come but stay in a B & B and don't come to your door until you call to say you are ready.

When I had my first I was in hospital for nearly a week. PIL came every day but one and there was no problem when DH rang them to say I had a bad night and wanted a day alone.

They sound awful. I'd tell them not to come for the first twelve weeks! Seriously, no reason why you should feel violated in your own home like this. I'd have a massive tantrum with DH and insist he puts your needs first.

I realise I might be being unreasonable, but given I'll have, as someone up there said, just pushed a melon sized object out of my fanjo, I think I'm entitled to say who I want to see and when i want to see them.

I'm due in August and my mum is going to come and stay for a bit to help out. but I wouldn't invite my MIL to do the same. I don't feel anywhere near as close to my MIL, and would feel uncomfortable having her around all the time.

They are of course welcome to visit. I do treat them differently.

How about if you wrote them a nice letter beforehand, explaining how you feel/felt last time.

Explain that your parents will only be coming for 30 mins at a time and say that if they want to come early on, then you are happy to put them in a hotel for a couple of nights. Or could they stay with your parents? Do they all get on?

You don't have to be rude, but in the letter, you need to be assertive in saying what you want/don't want. You could say that your midwife has suggested minimal visitors in the first couple of weeks in order to establish breastfeeding and perhaps if she whinges again about breastfeeding, direct her to the NHS website so she swat up on why it's good etc.

I'd then end the letter with something about you visiting them in the future when the baby is a little older and looking forward to your elder child getting some extra special attention from them etc.

I can never ever understand this need of visitors to come immediately after a birth (unless it is to offer practical help). YANBU especially if they are the sort who sit and sit and don't put the kettle on.

I can't remember who posted it but I think the suggestion of the OP having to go upstairs to get space in her own home is absolutely ridiculous.

As is the same poster's suggestion of the OP's DH taking the kids and his parents out for the day.

Why should the OP be at home all the time alone, with no support from her DH, because her in-laws are selfish?

Would they help out with your eldest dc at all? When I had dc2 my in-laws stayed locally for 10 days.

They were a total godsend as baby was in NICU and my mil just looked after my eldest and the house etc.

Our relationship had been ok before but not close, but that experience totally changed it for the better.

I agree your husband is the main problem here. You could tell him that you question the future of you relationship if he will put his parents convenience above your happiness and comfort at a time like this.
Do you usually get on? It sounds odd that he isn't backing you up over this. It's far more in his interests not to upset you as it's you he lives with. Why is he so keen to let his parents get their own way?
You could always phone them yourself and make it clear you don't want anyone staying in your house for the first x weeks, but you should have a good enough relationship with your husband that he is working with you not fighting you over this.

I think your DH's wishes should figure somewhere and for fairness either no grandparents visiting at all or both sets.

Could you threaten him with your midwife? Is there anyone bossy in your family who would interfere for you?

I think de-nesting, that is junking up spare room, is good. Leave the door shut so you husband does not have time to tidy it till last minute. (But make sure he sees it by the time you are in labour!)

Scare him with any possible complications i.e. I know someone who had...didn't get out of hospital till...stories.

Don't engage with his plans at all. Change subject or leave room. He knows how you feel.

Morgause, I think there is a huge difference between the OP's parents visiting for half an hour at a time once a day, to having the in-laws staying as house guests for a whole week.

OP has already said that the in-laws get bored quickly. They will need entertaining, and presumably (if they are as selfish as they sound) will expect to have their meals cooked for them. And then all of that coupled with the fact that they give their opinions on everything OP does with her baby.

It's very different to local family members just popping in here and there

What is it with these useless bloody husbands that kind stand up for their wives? I sympathise with you, I was in no way fit for visitors for at least week after birth, there is no way I would have been up to having any guests. I would just say no, this isn't happening, and if they show up I'd either stay upstairs for a week (not ideal) or throw a major bloody strop until they all got the message.

This would drive me bat shit crazy and if my husband did this I would never forgive him. If he pulls this stunt again, don't be afraid of making a scene and chucking them out of the house.

I would have another conversation with H and stress how serious this issue is for you and if he ignores your wishes then that is a clear sign that you are not his priority and therefore he will be leaving the house along with his parents!

YANBU not at all

I am surprised our DH is putting your wishes last when they should be coming first, I would find that very difficult to forgive

The time immediately after birth is so special and so different to 'normal' that being fair to other people doesn't come into it. There is a reason midwives and other hcp's are only concerned with the mothers wishes at this time. There is a brand new baby in the equation yes, but there is also a mother who is in a very vunerable place physically and emotionally

At all other times I believe in parenting being completely equal but just after birth there is nothing equal about it. If you and your DH were not together not even he would have the right to see the baby all day at your expense so there is no way you should let them overrule you on this

I wouldn't have anyone staying at my house in the two weeks following giving birth!

Visitors after the first couple of days, staying for an hour and making themselves useful - fine. But not houseguests.

I never understand the obsession some on Mumsnet have with "fairness" for both sets of parents

I would compromise by saying they can come and stay in a hotel, and visit once or twice a day at convenient times for an hour or so. But not in the first week. But exactly the same restrictions on all other visitors too, then your DH can't complain about unfairness.

FaithLehane Wed 29-May-13 17:44:17 put it perfectly.

YANBU at all.

What the hell has "fair" got to do with it???

Honestly - some people!

Is it "fair" that Op is expected to have house guests to wait on and entertain just after she's given birth?
Is it "fair" that her husband prioritises his parents' wishes over those of his wife?
Is it "fair" that Op has to go through childbirth while her wimp of a DH does not (just as well, really!)?

None of it's fair: life isn't fair! If Op doesn't feel she can cope with these overbearing people when she's already dealing with a newborn and her own child, she has every right to refuse to see them until she is ready.

U either ban all guests in first x length of time or allow all.

Sorry. Urs don't trump his. So all or none.

Oh fgs I was probing the idea of getting space upstairs, but clearly that is immediately interpreted as me insisting she live in one room upstairs on her own for 24 hours a day.

I meant IF the PILs were staying in a B&B and came over for reasonable visits during the day, she could still retreat if needed.

I wondered if she had felt duty bound always to be present in the room and too polite to say 'right I'm off for a nap with the baby'. She's answered that one and obviously she's not.

I'd offer a compromise - they are welcome to come over when your baby is over 3 weeks old and stay in your house, if they want to come over earlier, then they obviously can, but can't stay in your house, they'll have to stay in a hotel or B&B nearby. All visitors will have the same restrictions, maximum 2 hour visit at a time, and accept they aren't welcome when you have midwife or health visitor appointments at the house.

Another option might be - would your Mum be prepared to offer to have your PIL to stay? then they all get to see the baby for the same amount of time (you could go to them)

But generally, have you pointed out to your DH that you directly blame your PND on his parents behaviour after the birth? (Even if you know it was only a contributing factor, I would tell him you are of the opinion their behaviour is what tipped you over the edge) Also say that this time round, you won't be nice and polite to them, you will tell his mother to fuck off if she annoys you and you will tell them to their faces that you don't want them in your home or near your newborn. (the fear of that might actually shock him into realising that railroading you into this without your express approval might be causing him more problems than it will fix)

She isn't saying they can't see the baby, just that they will have to STAY elsewhere as she will not want to be pretending her house is a hotel. Her parents don't stay. I do think after birth the woman's parents aren't the same as her husband's. They have seen her upset and naked, especially her mum. This really isn't about "equal rights" to the baby like some trade union rep, it's about comforting and supporting a physically and emotionally tired and vulnerable woman.
I am amazed some women can't see that.
A new baby isn't a toy all relatives get "a turn" with.

If they stay elsewhere you TELL them they can only stay for an hour at a time and tell your husband this.