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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL and £1,500 suit - AIBU??

116 replies

LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 03:29

So, my DH called my ILs last night and FIL mentioned he'd 'had some good luck on the stock market' (!) and wanted to treat DH to a new suit. He told DH to go to FIL's old tailor in London and have whatever he wanted made - to the value of £1,500 (!) - and he would pay (by having the tailor sending the bill directly to FIL). DH was a shocked, said thank you (despite not wanting or needing a new suit and certainly not one worth £1,500) and told me about it.

Now, here comes the AIBU bit ... I feel very strange about the whole thing as I believe the gift is being 'structured' deliberately so that DC (2 DS) and I cannot benefit. I know it is FIL's money and he can do what he likes with it. However, £1,500 is an awful lot of money and could be used in lots of incredible ways by the whole family, particularly as they know that money is very very tight for us at the moment. Asking DH to spend such a lot on suit which is not needed/wanted just feels wrong. The fact that FIL is asking for the tailor's bill to be sent directly to him means DH cannot nip to M&S and use the difference to help the family (DH mentioned this himself),

I think this all stems from a couple of run-ins I've had with FIL over recent months (no-one ever stands up to him or questions him in any way, ever) and this feels like a strange kind of 'payback' for that. There are lots of little things that cause issues but 2 recent ones are:

  • they came to spend a week with us after Easter (they could not make Easter itself as FIL has a charity meeting he could not postpone!). During this visit, DS2 (4) developed a very high fever and we were advised by 111 to take him straight to our local hospital (we are not overly anxious parents so this was definitely unusual for us). FIL expressed his disappointment that we would not able to have Sunday lunch with them (I had managed to prepare a full 3 course do). He then refused to call their terminally ill friend who they were due to see the following day to warn her about them being in contact with a poorly child. This was on the basis that they had planned the visit, were not prepared to change their plans and were sure the lady would rather see them now than at her funeral! When I pointed out that (a) I was sure the lady would still want to see them but (b) they needed to give her all the information about being in contact with a poorly child so she could make her own decision he point-blank refused to call.
  • My DH has recently been hospitalised with severe stomach pains and went for a colonoscopy/biopsy last week. On the day before his procedure, FIL sent DH an e-mail (?!) to say that his brother (DH's uncle) who we never see/never visit/no birthday cards are sent etc (still not sure why) had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer after having the biopsy results from his colonoscopy 2 weeks ago! When I called FIL to say (a) how sorry we were about this news but (b) how the timing of the announcement perhaps could have been thought about, FIL was very dismissive and refused to even say sorry!

Lots more examples but am aware this is now far too long ...

I just need to get over it don't I?

OP posts:
LittleFeileFooFoo · 29/05/2013 03:38

Just sell it on ebay.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/05/2013 03:39

The suit thing isn't good, YANBU. The second thing is pretty petty, but I suspect it's part of a cumulative issue. The third thing - actually I think YABU there. Your FIL's brother has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer, he told his son about it, and he got scolded for the timing? It's his own brother! He's allowed to feel bad about it and want to talk about it.

Longdistance · 29/05/2013 03:47

I'd be tempted to burn the fucking thing in front of fil. Then it would really be a waste of money.

AdoraBell · 29/05/2013 03:52

Tortoise I can see what you mean about the man wanting to talk about his brother's illness, but I'm sceptical. As a parent I don't want my DCs to worry unduly and so I would find someone else to talk to. Not my own child who I know is about to have the same tests done.

That sounds a lot like my FIL, every situation has to be about him and if it isn't he finds a way to make it about him.

YANBU OP but unless DH wants to tell him that he doesn't a suit or anything else then just have the suit made and sell it as already suggested.

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 03:55

Sorry, not meaning to drip-feed but the way FIL broke the news to DH about the bowel cancer was by bcc'ing him on an e-mail that FIL sent to his own brother saying how sorry he was about the news. I completely agree it's his brother and he has every right to be very upset. The fact they communicated about the whole issue via e-mail hopefully means it would not have been unreasonable for FIL to have delayed the e-mail to DH by 24 hours?

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/05/2013 03:56

Oh, then yes, YANBU about any of it. I thought your FIL had just found out, was distressed, and had turned to his son about it. That's different.

(I hope your DH is okay by the way)

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 03:58

Thanks Tortoise - biopsy results in just over a week but being optimistic and hoping it was all 'just one of those things' ...

OP posts:
catsmother · 29/05/2013 05:54

All things considered it does sound a rather pointed getsure. And somewhat controlling too. If you didn't have money issues, and/or FIL didn't know you had money issues, and maybe a bespoke suit had long been a wish of DH's then maybe you could take this as an indulgent treat with no malice intended.

However, to spend that much on an item which has neither been asked for nor is needed when you are struggling financially really does seem thoughtless - at best - and actually, IMO, rather a nasty, almost twisted thing to do at worst.

I would have DH maintain his dignity, thank his father for his "generosity" but decline the offer as it's too much money for something that he doesn't need and in those circumstances DH wouldn't feel right accepting. How FIL then reacts would be telling ..... if he then asks if there's anything he can buy which is needed, then to be fair you could dismiss his earlier suggestion as mere thoughtlessness, a grand gesture which hadn't been thought through. If he gets offended then maybe there was a bit of spite behind it.

MortifiedAdams · 29/05/2013 06:00

If your DH doesnt have want / need of a suit then he could just not get a suit. Then PIL will have to eother keep.his weighted money or find another way of.spending it.

McNewPants2013 · 29/05/2013 06:03

What kind of work does your DH do. Would it make a better impression.

Your fil sounds hard work though.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 29/05/2013 06:09

There is no way my DH would accept the suit in those circumstances

Your DH should politely decline the gesture, your fil can't force him to take it and it does seem really 'off' that he's doing this

MusicalEndorphins · 29/05/2013 06:15

Hmmm. Hard to say about the suit, does your FIL think your dh is a poor dresser? Did your dh buy quality suits before he was a family man? Is your FIL into nice clothes? I find it a bit mean to exclude you and your children, but perhaps there is another treat in the works for you and them?
I hope all goes well with your dh's test, both dh and I are waiting for appointments.

HollyBerryBush · 29/05/2013 06:24

DHs God Mother occasionally does this. She gifts us large sums of money, then dictates what we spend it on. The last one being, she disliked our bathroom. Months of chaos whilst she organised a new one. But that's by-the-by.

Now and again she will decide I need a treat. So she lugs me up town to the theatre. Sometimes it's because she has no one to go with, sometimes it's because she's going and thinks I'll like the show. Don't get me wrong, I like the theatre and I know her gesture is well meant, but there are times when I think I'd rather go and get my hair done!

What I'm round about saying is (a) FIL thinks he has a good idea for a treat. (b) its his gift to give (c) as ever, his money, he can choose how to spend it.

So he's offered a particular gift. Your DH is either able to say "thanks" or "Dad, that money would pay for XYZ, would it be rude of me to ask for the cash/you buy XYZ instead" He can only decline, in which case you are now worse off than when you started

Inertia · 29/05/2013 06:25

If FIL is a man prone to being spiteful and petty, I would be really worried about him refusing to pay the bill over some perceived slight, and your DH left with a 1500 pound bill and a suit he doesn't need.

WMittens · 29/05/2013 06:53

Why is this just not about a man and his son? Why do you have to make it about you? (You can tell this is going to be an unpopular post.)

Getting a new tailored suit is obviously something FIL has enjoyed in his life and he would like his son to experience this same feeling (even though he may not share the same interest, that's parents for you). So he wanted to buy his son a gift, why the hell should you have to benefit from that gift? Does everyone who wants to buy something for your husband have to consider if you will like it and benefit from it?

Generalising a lot here, but men tend to be uncomplicated thinkers, so FIL probably doesn't see much beyond "gift - nice gesture." How much does he know about your financial struggles? Have you asked for money in the past? Has your husband even mentioned it to FIL? FIL may not remember the situation if it was mentioned a while ago, and he may not appreciate the extent if it's not been explained in detail.

NotYouNaanBread · 29/05/2013 07:06

I'm completely with WMittens. He sounds like hard work, but you're making this all about you.

If your DH and your mother didn't get on & your mother said "I don't think you've had anything nice for yourself for a couple of years, but you really deserve it, so let me take you to Mulberry and you can pick out whatever you like", how would you feel if your DH said "This is because she hates me - it's the only possible reason. I insist that you refuse."

If your DH is a freelance journalist then the suit might be a bit pointless, but if he works in a formal environment then a kickass suit is an amazing gift. Let him enjoy the pleasure of going to a tailor. Don't spoil it for him.

Snog · 29/05/2013 07:13

I agree OP this is not about you and doesn't need to be.
DH should gratefully accept the suit if he wants it and if not then politely decline.

Icelollycraving · 29/05/2013 07:17

I think he is not used to someone standing up to him,he is stubborn & rude. My mum also went to see a terminally ill friend when she had a streaming cold,didn't link the two things iyswim. She had made plans & was planning on sticking to them. I suspect fil is not used to being challenged. However,why does a gift need to include you?
Does your dh wear a suit for work? Need one for interviews? Accept or decline but don't be drawn into a whole saga.
Hope your dh feels better soon.

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 07:20

I know exactly what you are saying WMittens and NotYou so sorry if this gave the impression it was all about me/our DC. Was pleased for DH and have not discussed this with him - he was literally shocked in a kind of non-plussed way last night if that makes sense and we didn't really discuss it. Just feel weird about the whole thing and feel, as noted above, that it is a little pointed, hence the posting in AIBU. Fully intend to let DH enjoy the gift if that's what he wants to do ...

OP posts:
WorrySighWorrySigh · 29/05/2013 07:21

I agree with Inertia. This is potentially a gift with a sting in the tail.

£1500 is a lot for a tailored suit. This means the more expensive fabrics (mine was a mixture of wool and cashmere and cost more like £550) plus expensive linings, blah, blah, blah.

Does your DH work in circumstances where anyone would notice or care?

Oscalito · 29/05/2013 07:27

I think it's weird. Controlling. My sister is big on very expensive, extravagant gifts and there's always an element of power to the whole thing. the whole 'send the bill to me' think is just a bit little emperor too. If he really wanted to help he'd give you the money as cash for you to do with what you liked as a family. It's a very 'exclusive' gift.

No idea how you should deal with it though...

loofet · 29/05/2013 07:30

Yanbu. I can see what a couple of others are saying with regards to making it about you, it's just a father wanting to treat his son etc. But it would be entirely different if he suggested taking him out for the day or getting him something he's really desperate for/been wanting for a long time. But this is something he doesn't want let alone need so it's just a silly waste of money which I agree, would be better spent on something nice for your family.

If FIL didn't intend any malice, imo, he would give DH the money and tell him to spend it on something nice for you all. They are his GC after all and deserve it just as much even if you and him don't see eye to eye! But I have to agree he's definitely trying to be spiteful and controlling. I'd do what has been suggested and tell DH to say it's a thoughtful (tsk tsk) offer but I don't need a suit, thanks anyway' and see if he offers the money instead. If he gets pissed off, there's your answer.

daisydotandgertie · 29/05/2013 07:32

The cancer bit is actually really helpful. I know how worrying it is to be in your position, but a consultant will always ask if there is a history of cancer in the family and where it is.

The diagnosis and timely email from your FIL is a handy tool for the medial staff at the hospital who are dealing with your DH.

Wishfulmakeupping · 29/05/2013 07:33

Could your Dh not say something like 'a suit would be lovely but that's a lot of money, to spend on clothes when the boys need X...'
How does your dh feel?

Original poster
LadySaundersJones · 29/05/2013 07:33

McNewPants/Musical/Worry - DH works in an office but a £1,500 suit would be totally over the top for the environment and not sure anyone would care/notice. DH wears TM Lewin suits and the like and always looks smart. Agree it would be an amazing thing to own and I'm sure DH would love it if he decides to have it made but not a long held wish by any stretch.

OP posts: